If dogs had AIBU

[peak2021]

AIBU to ask why you make such a fuss about cats not us dogs, when we take you for walks twice a day?

Aibu to think that my human is bloody ungrateful. I keep surveying the front window to check for feline intrudersand duly warn her (loudly) when I see one of those pesky cats.

Rather than thanking me for my loyal duty - she shooes me off the window and tells me to shush

Aibu to get excited when my human gets a face mask out? It means we’re going out, right?

Everytime I go out in the back garden my neighbour starts shouting abuse at me. I can't have a piss in peace without him screaming through the fence! AIBU to think he is a complete twat!

Who is BU?
My owner cook and clean 100%, she also brings 100% of the household income but IMO I'm entitled to 50% of her food and her bed.

I stand guard at the gate and warn my hooman of all danger. People walking past, foxes, cats, cars, leaves, wind and the man in red!!! But I will happily let any workman or delivery man come into the garden and pet me 🤦‍♀️
Just this morning I warned my hooman about the man in red trying to put dangerous materials through to hole in the front door. I barked very loudly and tried ripping it up, that was until she got out of bed and grumbled something about a ‘lie in’ and ‘day off’
What is her problem?

AIBU to STILL not know who’s a good boy?

WIBU to eat the entire tub of flora? I think not. I mean, I know I vomited all over the kitchen floor, then started to act oddly so had to be taken to the vet. And yes, I know I had to stay overnight at the vet on a drip and my humans had to pay over £350. But what did they expect?

Let’s face it, I would do the same again given the opportunity.

@Sandgrown1970

AIBU to STILL not know who’s a good boy?

@SlatternIsMyMiddleName our dog did similar but got through two tubs! He developed pancreatitis and almost died.... ended up costing over £6k in the end and then had to be on special (expensive) food for the rest of his life! We were just grateful that he recovered ok but most expensive margarine I’ve ever bought! 😬

@EssexLioness holy smokes! Your poor doggie and poor you. It’s a good job we love the little blighters.

I know it's not being unreasonable to keep on guard against the marauders around here.

There's this gang... They show up every so often and come into the garden and take our stuff!
It's not as if they're even quiet about it, they come in a huge noisy lorry, which I must admit smells divine, full of old food and rotting things.
I think I scare them, because they always bring the big smelly container back when I start threatening them.
It's obviously an organised operation, because they sweep through the whole street.
The Rottweiler next door but one told me that he bit one of the gang once and made him leave the things behind, but his humans weren't a bit grateful. Honestly, if it wasn't for us, they'd nick everything, containers, garden chairs, maybe even the car...

Don't get me started on the sneaky one in red... he comes nearly every day, rattling on the door, and he is obviously a wrong'un because they never ever let him in. Not even when he shoves presents in the door hole. But he always comes back...

There's another one who brings something to climb up to try and get in the windows. It's a good job they're shut, because he tries every single one. I have to be on my toes with that one, and run through every room.

AIBU to expect a bit of appreciation? But no, just told to shut up, get down, etc. 🐕

@Giggorata

I know it's not being unreasonable to keep on guard against the marauders around here.

There's this gang... They show up every so often and come into the garden and take our stuff!
It's not as if they're even quiet about it, they come in a huge noisy lorry, which I must admit smells divine, full of old food and rotting things.
I think I scare them, because they always bring the big smelly container back when I start threatening them.
It's obviously an organised operation, because they sweep through the whole street.
The Rottweiler next door but one told me that he bit one of the gang once and made him leave the things behind, but his humans weren't a bit grateful. Honestly, if it wasn't for us, they'd nick everything, containers, garden chairs, maybe even the car...

Don't get me started on the sneaky one in red... he comes nearly every day, rattling on the door, and he is obviously a wrong'un because they never ever let him in. Not even when he shoves presents in the door hole. But he always comes back...

There's another one who brings something to climb up to try and get in the windows. It's a good job they're shut, because he tries every single one. I have to be on my toes with that one, and run through every room.

AIBU to expect a bit of appreciation? But no, just told to shut up, get down, etc. 🐕

But do YOU know who’s Good Boy then?

AIBU to curl out a massive turd right outside the bakery or Post Office? The human has to bag it up anyway, so what's the problem with doing in front of a long queue of people outside the shops? They all stand around looking disgusted and muttering while the human faffs around with a poo bag, and bottle of water. Anally retentive twats ...why don't they just give in to their instincts and enjoy filling their nostrils with the aroma like us dogs?

AIBU to hate the fact that I take my owner out to the park every morning but once we are back in my house, she has a bath and goes out to the park AGAIN without me? She pretends she is not going to the park by telling me she's going to work. The only place she could possibly go to is the park because it's the BEST place. Why does she do this to me? I've tried eating the door frame and pissing on her shoes as a warning that I KNOW how UNFAITHFUL she is. Should I LTB?

AIBU to sit pointedly by the front door until its time for walkies, then make it impossible for anyone to put the collar and harness on me?

AIBU to expect praise for the fact that I'm the one chasing the teenager out of the door every morning? He needs to leave! I don't know why, or where he goes in that smart outfit he complains about my hair upon, but its vital that he leave the house! I know his routine better than he does! I should be paid in biscuits for this fact. And then allowed to nap for several hours right behind Mum's chair so that she has to stay in one place. Because if she doesn't, I have to supervise her. And after making sure the teenager leaves promptly and on time, I'm exhausted.

Need. To. Nap.

AIBU, also, to sneak in a few extra portions of food whenever the dozy kittens wander away from their bowls on the floor? If they were going to eat it, they would have done so in one sitting, surely, rather than scuttle off every five minutes or so? And their food is sooooo much better than mine is! I know teenager calls me "chunky puppy", but surely that's said in jest?! Either that or he's exceptionally impertinent and deserves to be herded out of the house by me at 0820 on the dot every morning!

What is wrong with sitting on people's heads? Apparently it was cute when I was a puppy, but they complain about now I'm an 'adult'.

Also... Why the huge fuss when I snuck off with my girlfriend that one time? Sending me for an operation seems incanine punishment...

AIBU to be miffed that I'm not allowed on the sofa when I'm wet?

AIBU for grousing at the dozy kitten who pounced on my head during my morning roll around on Mum's bed? I've never been so startled in all my four years before! No matter that the dozy kitten seems to have attached himself to me, purely because we share the same colouring and have white tufty left leg-pits - I ANBU for refusing to claim him as my surrogate child (have one of those already, the teenager who really needs to leave the house - especially after whining about not being able to for those endless months of drear!), despite what everyone says. Pouncing on a rolling canine's deliriously upturned head is sacrilegious! I could have pissed myself through terror, and been shouted at by Mum (who hates it when I try to help her change the bedding - apparently I "get in the way", but how can I when I'm inside the duvet cover trying to weight it down for her?)! It would all have been dozy kitten's fault! He deserved a telling off - no teeth, just a grumbling that I am learning how to perfect now that there are two of the blighters running around my home! Especially my feline doppleganger! He's trouble, that one, mark my paws!

I am composing this whilst sulking on my downstairs bed. Mum has been allowed into the kitchen unsupervised because I grumbled at the dozy kitten. He'd best not try to snuggle with me later for our daily nap on my bed, although if Mum feels like sharing a biscuit with me for our mid-day cuppa, I won't say 'no'...

AIBU to bark at every sound I hear? I am protecting you mums!

AIBU to eat the cats food as he clearly doesn't want it?

AIBU to wonder why the humans have spent the morning worrying about something to do with clocks? Will it affect my daily walks or my food?

AIBU to be concerned about the royal household dogs now that the Duke of Edinburgh cannot trip over them any more?

AIBU to try to bark like fury at the window cleaner - don’t you realise that he looks and smells like a serial killer?

AIBU to enjoy the comforting smell of the pair of dirty knickers/unwashed socks, that I’ve taken to bed with me in my basket?

AIBU to object when you do a particularly ripe fart and pretend it was me? Please understand that the ‘bouquets’ are quite different, and mine is a lot more interesting.

AIBU to think it grossly unfair that the bloody cat’s food smells far tastier than mine?

Oh, and do please try to understand that when I bark at the postman or the dustmen, who are daring to invade our territory, I do it because it works! They invariably go away! Geddit?