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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands drinking

32 replies

Isaidpivot · 05/02/2021 11:09

Hi I've changed my name as I don't want it linked to my usual account.

Basically this is a recent issue between us and I am needing some outside perspective and what others do in their own lifes. So my husband since Christmas in his two weeks say shift has been drinking every night. Now when I say drinking I mean no more than 4 beers and the very occasional whiskey. Just so I have given all information I tend to drink at the weekend. I buy 2 bottles of wine on Friday and I usually have one a night or 3 glasses each night meaning on a Sunday there will still be half a bottle left which I usually leave till the following weekend.

I think my husband drinking every night is to much. He doesn't see it as an issue because it's only a few and he isn't in any way drunk and is still going to bed at a normal time and isn't sitting up till the early morning. It's causing tension between us.

I have spoke to two friends one thinks its completely unacceptable and the other doesn't see the harm as it's not having an impact on our life and it's his way of chilling out after working all day.

Opinions welcome please

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 05/02/2021 11:10

it's not having an impact on our life and it's his way of chilling out after working all day

That's my take on it. I'm not sure I understand why you want to control his drinking. What is it you are concerned about?

Original poster
Isaidpivot · 05/02/2021 11:15

Thank you for your reply. I actually don't know what it is that is bothering me about it I just feel very anxious when I see him going for a beer. There has never been a row while he is drinking we just sit and watch TV and chat. I just have it in my head that it's excessive but is that because I'm not a big drinker myself

OP posts:
Curlymam88 · 05/02/2021 11:16

I too feel if he isn't excessively drinking and still going to work I dont really see a problem. Maybe just watch over time that the drinking every night doesn't build up over time. 4 cans may lead to 8 if he gets an intolerance to drinking. Otherwise I dont see a problem at the moment.

Original poster
Isaidpivot · 05/02/2021 11:18

Maybe I am being unreasonable then Confused

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2021 11:22

How big are these beers? He’s almost certainly drinking over what’s recommended.

CheshireCats · 05/02/2021 11:23

Drinking 4 cans of beer every night does seem a lot to me. But your 2 bottles of wine is 20 units and recommended units is only 14. So if you drink both bottles, you too are drinking above the recommended amount.

Hangingover · 05/02/2021 11:25

So that about 55 units a week and it's recommended to stay under 14. If he's open to it, I'd recommend giving "This Naked Mind" a read, it might open his eyes a bit. Drinking a highly addictive substance daily is risky...he may not be dependent yet but he won't know when it happens until it's too late.

AubergineDream · 05/02/2021 11:26

The every day bit would worry me a bit too

RonObvious · 05/02/2021 11:26

Unless you can't afford it, or it is negatively impacting in some other way, then it's his decision. I can actually sympathise, because my husband also drinks daily, although he has cut back a little recently, but was on 2 or 3 bottles of beer a day, with more at weekends, for a while. It isn't really healthy, but it's his life. He's a grown up and is perfectly aware of the risks.

Worried830410 · 05/02/2021 11:31

I'm with you. Drinking every single night means he is forming a habit. It doesn't mean that if he isn't falling over or causing a problem that it is fine. He is slowly becoming dependent on this habit.

My dh also did this over the festive season, but on a Friday and Saturday.
After a few weeks he just stopped completely. He said he felt like this was now becoming a habit because work was so stressful and he felt it was leading to down the wrong road.
We are not big drinker, me maybe 4 or 5 times a year. So he was aware of the difference in his drinking.

Liveitalittle · 05/02/2021 11:31

Everyday - that is a serious amount of calories/sugar to consume Everyday so he will be at risk of diabetes, liver problems and weight related problems. How much does that cost a week? I assume he is becoming more and more used to the alcohol levels so he needs more and more to get that relaxed feeling. Does it not make him grumpy the next day??

Liveitalittle · 05/02/2021 11:34

Ps I would say you also run similar health/mood risks drinking 2 bottles of wine every week

Original poster
Isaidpivot · 05/02/2021 11:36

It's only a very recent thing. Usually he goes to the gym every day and watches what he eats and only has a drink at the weekend. This everyday things has been since December. It's two weeks out of the month because of his shifts aswell. My friend also pointed out to me that my wine isn't any better cause I'm drinking it over two days which would probably be classed as binge drinking

OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 05/02/2021 11:36

I'd find it worrying too, but I also think you drink quite a lot (even though it's over fewer days). I am the child of two alcoholics though so my attitude to drinking has been affected by this.

MammaMiaWallace · 05/02/2021 11:36

Drinking every night isn’t ideal but is an easy habit to get into (and get out of as long as not progressed to a dependency of some kind).

The most shocking part to me is that you save half a bottle of open wine for a week 😱 (not because it’s impossible to leave or save wine, but from an oxidisation and taste perspective)

Minky37 · 05/02/2021 11:37

I would be worried because it’s every day. My DH’s consumption had started to creep up to 5 nights a week. He didn’t like me pointing it out and was very grumpy about it, but he’s gone back to 3 nights a week.
It’s a slippery slope IMO and yes I drink, but keep to Friday & Saturday nights.

BaggoMcoys · 05/02/2021 11:38

I think my main worry with your husband would be that it's habit-forming and could lead to worse in future. I'd probably try to encourage a couple of alcohol free days per week for health reasons, but of course you can't stop him if he doesn't want to stop.

SummerInSun · 05/02/2021 11:40

There will be a long term impact on his health if he keeps drinking like that. Apart from the alcohol content, a bottle of beer is around 140 calories. So if he is drinking 4 a night, that's 560 calories, or 1/4 of the calories a typical adult man needs on a day. And it's all sugar, with no nutritional benefit. If he keeps on like that he will gain a lot of weight, which isn't good long term. It's pretty much the same as if he'd started eating 2 Mars bars a day. Would you be concerned if he did that? It's not just a value judgment about alcohol.

81Byerley · 05/02/2021 11:47

It all depends on your own perspective on alcohol. I think it's too much, but then I think you are drinking too much at weekends as well. But then I would, because I probably drink about 2 units a year.

Original poster
Isaidpivot · 05/02/2021 11:48

Mixed bag then

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2021 11:56

Objectively, it’s too much. Depending on the size of the beers, it’s at least four units a night which double what’s recommended.l, probably more.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 05/02/2021 11:57

How many units is it a week? If it's over the recommended then you maybe have a legitimate concern for his health. Otherwise I'd be pissed off if it changed how he was acting either altering his mood that night (being silly or aggressive) or making him tired and grumpy the following day. Or if it made him snore and kept me awake.

If none of these apply and it's just you dont like his drinking then I think although it would probably make others feel uneasy as well, its not really impacting on you and you can't really complain about it

AStudyinPink · 05/02/2021 12:24

It’s 8 units daily (ish) so 56 weekly. Far too much and yes, you should be worried. This is the time for him to nip it in the bud.

Anothermother3 · 05/02/2021 12:26

I think health wise but also think it’s the same for too much food etc. It is a depressant so could affect his mood etc over time.

airforsharon · 05/02/2021 12:37

I was married married to someone with a very similar drinking pattern. We had 3 young dcs and as soon as youngest two were in bed about 7ish, he'd head straight for the fridge and a beer. He was never 'drunk' but it was obvious he'd been drinking - it made him slow, and just generally not great company. It was like having another child in the house tbh and i resented the fact it made me the 'on call' parent every night. It got to the stage i rarely went out of an evening because he'd drink, despite promising not to, and if the children played up he could be very short with them, and slam about the place. We separated when i went to a concert in town - was out about 3 hours for the first time in several months - came back and found he was obviously 'squiffy' and had broken one of the dcs bedroom doors by slamming it too hard when they'd woken up and disturbed him. He didn't admit it until one of the dcs told me what had happened the next morning.

What starts off as a can or two to wind down every evening can quickly become a hard habit to break, and it does impact the rest of the family, both financially & emotionally. No one would have thought ex was anything other than a lovely bloke but i felt like i was living on eggshells, and he ended up several stone overweight. And it's really shit knowing your partner prioritises his drinking over his family. I would never live with an habitual drinker again.

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