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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I do the right thing here?

51 replies

jgb129 · 04/02/2021 16:40

Struggling massively with DS. He’s 9 and autistic and a real struggle at the minute.

A little while ago I cooked him some fish fingers (his diet is very limited). He eats early as that’s his routine.

He cannot tolerate ‘brown bits’ on food as in little brown speckles from the oven tray maybe. I don’t really know how to explain it.

They weren’t burnt at all but there was a tiny amount of brown burnt bit on the edge of one or two of them! Looked and tasted fine. If had over cooked them I would have understood.

He ended up screaming and shouting at me because of this tiny little bit of brown on the edge that was barely there.

He always checks over his food to check for ‘brown bits’ before eating it.

Carried on screaming and shouting at me saying he wasn’t going to eat it. So what did I do? Picked up his food and out it in the bin! I’ve had a bad day as it is. I need a break.

This isn’t the first time. I’ve got to cook food and be careful not to get any ‘brown bits’. So I’ve got to cook any meat until the right temperature and take it out before it has the chance to get brown. I’m a nervous wreck.

He told me to cook him something else. I’ve refused and said if he’s hungry he can have some toast. He won’t starve. He had a cooked lunch and a large breakfast.

Aibu to think I’ve done the right thing and not cooked him something else.

I know he has this issue with food but my god it’s not ideal. I have to sit and check his food constantly to make sure it isn’t browning.

He wouldn’t act like this at school if the food was slightly browned! So he shouldn’t act like it at home!

was I harsh?

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 04/02/2021 16:48

It’s a tough one. Yes, it’s horrific for you to be so on edge all the time but, at the same time, it doesn’t sound like your son has any control over his aversion of the brown bits.

Either way, as he’s eaten a lot already today toast and fruit / yoghurt / cereal (whatever he will eat) is fine.

Justcallmebebes · 04/02/2021 16:54

The fact that he will eat brown bits at school etc means I wouldn't cook him another meal. Toast, fruit or some cereal

LApprentiSorcier · 04/02/2021 16:57

Does he have the right skills to cook his own food (under your supervision)? He might understand more how difficult the brown bits are to avoid, even if he has an aversion to them.

TaraR2020 · 04/02/2021 16:58

No, I think you're with this one, don't worry about it.

TaraR2020 · 04/02/2021 16:59

Oh and Flowers because you're finding things so tough atm
Hope there's someone who can give you a bit of TLC

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 17:01

No I'm with you op. I think you're fine to do that you have a breaking point too Flowers

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 17:02

He wouldn’t act like this at school if the food was slightly browned! So he shouldn’t act like it at home!

Sorry I missed this part. Yes hes playin up.if he can eat it at school

Juneboon · 04/02/2021 17:07

I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong, everybody has their breaking point.

However as a parent of an ASD child with equally annoying traits, he really cannot help it. The reason he does it at home and not at school us because you're his safe space. I imagine the current situation has been difficult for him, as with many others. I wouldn't cook anything else if you don't want, provide snacks that don't need cooking.

Sending you a hug because I've been there Flowers

jgb129 · 04/02/2021 17:07

Thanks all. Calmed down a bit now. He’s mentioned brown bits on his food at school a few times but he has never said anything to the staff, I don’t think he would be brave enough. He’s an angel at school who doesn’t say a word wrong which is good but on the downside they don’t see the struggles we do at home. 😭

OP posts:
jgb129 · 04/02/2021 17:09

@Juneboon thank you. We are usually so careful but tonight I was cooking, dealing with things round the house and Dd they got a cooked slightly longer than they should have. Dp is at work til late tonight and the evening routine is hard work 😭 I don’t even have time to eat myself!

OP posts:
MoreRainbowsPlease · 04/02/2021 17:09

You did fine OP. My son is autistic and we have the same arguement every morning over his boxer shorts. He will only wear certain pairs so will tell me he has no boxer shorts to wear despite there being at least 10 pairs in his wardrobe, but those ones are not suitable for various reasons i.e. they have the wrong coloured stripe on the waistband. This morning I also lost my shit and told him to go and talk to his father as I am no longer dealing with it. If there are only 3 pairs that he will wear then someone else can have the responsibility of making sure they are washed in time for being worn, cos I am obviously not doing it well enough and the alternatives I have provided him are not deemed good enough.

It is the relentlessness of the same things having to happen over and over again that are really getting to me. My DM normally has him to provide a bit of relief, but obviously this hasn't been able to happen since last year. My ds did apologise for upsetting me in the end, but he still refused to consider even trying on any of the other pants.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you both.

Godimabitch · 04/02/2021 17:11

Absolutely right. There's a difference between having issues with food and bad behaviour. His autism is no excuse for the way he behaved and he needs to learn that he cant treat people poorly just because he's autistic.

The fact he eats it at school shows he's able to tolerate it and control his emotions. You should expect him to be able to do that at home aswell.

GreenSlide · 04/02/2021 17:11

I wonder if there's a way to cook them that means they won't end up with brown bits. Cover them with tinfoil maybe?

LittleOwl153 · 04/02/2021 17:11

I think you did right tonight. Sometimes it is just too much.

To avoid brown food in future have you tried steaming? One of the things I dont like about steamed food is that it doesn't colour!

LittleOwl153 · 04/02/2021 17:12

Appreciate you can't steam fish fingers...

MackenCheese · 04/02/2021 17:13

My son 13 is the same. Sending strength, OP . I'm eating dinner on my own in my bedroom, because I've had it up to here all day, and don't want to blow up at him. Might stick a movie on for myself and eat some crisps to boot!!

TaraR2020 · 04/02/2021 17:14

I'm glad you're feeling better :)

Isn't that every parents lot? Dealing with the bad behaviour they don't show elsewhere? As pp have said, you're his safe space :)

@Juneboon I have a question, and don't wish to derail the thread, but I'm curious and hope you're not offended. Completely accept that an asd child can't help it, but also, don't they need to learn how to be able to cope in a variety of settings? Ideally, wouldn't they learn a better or coping with such stressors and how do you teach them this?

Not a criticism of child or parenting! Just genuinely unsure how this would be managed and understand it will be different for different children with asd.

Juneboon · 04/02/2021 17:38

@jgb129 you're doing amazing. It will get better. I find as mine gets older (almost 12) he's much more reasonable about things. And understanding why it's not always possible to have things his way.

@TaraR2020 not at all offended. I can't speak for anyone else, as I'm sure everyone and every child is different, but I have had success in helping DS overcome certain things (texture of certain foods, being near certain sounds etc) but done over periods of time, discussions when not faced with the thing he hates so much. For example we ever talked about food issues at dinner time, it was always in between meals or in the supermarket. And like I mentioned above, as he gets older he's definitely able to have a more reasonable discussion about things. I think a fair balance of not pandering to it but also accepting that an issue won't be solved straight away is how I approached it, in my very limited experience. (although I've lost my rag a fair few times)
I know this isn't helpful advice to OP right now, and I have been in exactly that position with a pizza with 'green bits' on Envy

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 04/02/2021 17:56

I know this is a bit selfish but I'm sort of pleased other people are going through the same stuff we are. My eldest (both my boys have autism) took one look at dinner today and just said "nope" and handed it back. I refused to cook something else tonight because I'm just so tired of it. He can have cereal or toast. We also had the clothes thing and I had to fish a preferred pair of trousers out of the wash bin today as he wouldn't wear anything else. I get it, I really do, they can't help it but I have started to feel like a slave!

MoreRainbowsPlease · 04/02/2021 18:45

LadyOfLittleLeisure, I don't think it's selfish feeling that way. I feel so relieved when I read threads like this with other autism parents sharing their experiences because it makes me realise I am not a shit parent and what I experience with my son is "normal" for parents with an autistic child. We are all trying so hard, and often it feels like nothing you do is making any difference, and then I have (some well meaning, some not) people commenting on my parenting which just makes me feel worse. As JuneBoon said, I have to keep reminding myself that things won't change instantly. That doesn't mean they won't change eventually. My Ds is 15. I am not joking there are some things we've have tried to get him to do for years, eventually we gave up, then all of a sudden he started doing them when we thought he would never do them (wearing trainers instead of crocs is one that springs to mind!).

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 18:49

I assume fish fingers are his choice so given tb likelihood of most fish fingers having a bit of brown on them , that's how they look, if he continues the way he does I would be making him food which can't possibly brown ie veg until he stops behaving like that over it.

I appreciate his needs but if he can handle it at school this is a behaviour issue. You can't live your life nervous about a bit of brown on his food.

Love51 · 04/02/2021 18:53

@Godimabitch

Absolutely right. There's a difference between having issues with food and bad behaviour. His autism is no excuse for the way he behaved and he needs to learn that he cant treat people poorly just because he's autistic.

The fact he eats it at school shows he's able to tolerate it and control his emotions. You should expect him to be able to do that at home aswell.

Unless of course, you appreciated the hard work that goes into masking.
TaraR2020 · 04/02/2021 19:03

@Juneboon thank you for taking the time to reply, really interesting :)

Girlyracer · 04/02/2021 19:22

Autism or not, you've done the right thing in teaching him behaviour like that is not acceptable. Any child who behaves like that needs reprimanding. Good for you OP.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 19:28

@Love51

I understand what you're saying but at the same time , masking and her bring his safe space should not be a free run at home to behave however he likes.

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