Did I do the right thing here?

[jgb129]

Struggling massively with DS. He’s 9 and autistic and a real struggle at the minute.

A little while ago I cooked him some fish fingers (his diet is very limited). He eats early as that’s his routine.

He cannot tolerate ‘brown bits’ on food as in little brown speckles from the oven tray maybe. I don’t really know how to explain it.

They weren’t burnt at all but there was a tiny amount of brown burnt bit on the edge of one or two of them! Looked and tasted fine. If had over cooked them I would have understood.

He ended up screaming and shouting at me because of this tiny little bit of brown on the edge that was barely there.

He always checks over his food to check for ‘brown bits’ before eating it.

Carried on screaming and shouting at me saying he wasn’t going to eat it. So what did I do? Picked up his food and out it in the bin! I’ve had a bad day as it is. I need a break.

This isn’t the first time. I’ve got to cook food and be careful not to get any ‘brown bits’. So I’ve got to cook any meat until the right temperature and take it out before it has the chance to get brown. I’m a nervous wreck.

He told me to cook him something else. I’ve refused and said if he’s hungry he can have some toast. He won’t starve. He had a cooked lunch and a large breakfast.

Aibu to think I’ve done the right thing and not cooked him something else.

I know he has this issue with food but my god it’s not ideal. I have to sit and check his food constantly to make sure it isn’t browning.

He wouldn’t act like this at school if the food was slightly browned! So he shouldn’t act like it at home!

was I harsh?

YANBU if he could tolerate it at school, then he can tolerate it at home. I appreciate things are tough right now but he shouldn’t be shouting and screaming at you. I wouldn’t have made him something else either, fine if he wants fruit / yoghurt / toast etc

@MoreRainbowsPlease you're totally right about well meaning comments on parenting! It's also just so good to know there's a community of us all experiencing similar issues, makes it all feel less lonely and isolating.

My Ds is 20 and we still have days like this, last week it was bacon that was too dry, fries with slightly burnt ends mixed with fries that weren't quite cooked enough, he tolerates these things more now but last week was just a really bad week and and his ability to cope with it was less than usual.

OP those that say things like if he copes with it at school then its a behaviour issue maybe don't understand how children with Autism may compartmentalize, so things that are acceptable in one place (or many places) may not be acceptable elsewhere. It is not something that can always be helped and the child doesn't do it just to be awkward or wind up other people. Also many children with Autism won't speak up at school about things that may cause them to become upset or distressed because of masking or because they have learned that others do not understand their difficulties.

When ds was in primary school there was a belief that children with Autism would behave the same way in any setting and I am so glad that that particular myth has been well and truly busted.

We were told that ds couldn't possibly be autistic because there was a difference in his behaviour at the childminders (where there was no pressure) and his behaviour at school.

He isn't behaving badly by having an aversion to brown bits, it's like someone smothering your food in chopped cockroaches and wondering why you're complaining. And the fact he'll tolerate it in school (is he actually eating it in school or just leaving it?) is irrelevant, autistic people tend to not generalise responses to different settings, as a pp said. If he's like a lot of autistic people, he's probably barely keeping a lid on it at school (especially in the dining hall) from the incessant racket that many children causes, not to mention the odd smells, crowds, terrible lighting, etc. That's not him being angelic, it's him being shut down, masking. He needs to be taught (model it, get him to practise) appropriate responses, that needs to change, you should not be being shouted at, but food issues are part of the way his brain works (and similarly to the pp whose son cannot cope with the sensory issues of most pants - just find more he can wear fgs), it requires work-arounds, not punishment.

@SilkieAndMoonface, I have been trying to find boxers my son will wear for years. Sadly the type he likes (and I literally do mean the style and the colours they come in) are no longer made by that company. He will not accept any of the hundreds of pairs I have bought over the last 3 years. Lots of places will not let you return underwear even if it has not been taken out of the packet, and I do not have the money to keep buying things on the off chance he might wear them.

What will happen eventually is that once these last 3 pairs disintegrate (which is what happened to the others because they have been washed and worn so much), he will try the others, and he will complain and moan about it, but eventually he will get used to them and then those will become the only ones he will wear. By then it will be too late for me to go and buy more of those ones, because even if the company still make the same style, they will normally have changed the pattern/colour, and he will reject them on that basis. It really isn't as simple as just finding him more, if it was I would have done it. I don't deliberately set out to make my life harder, just as I do everything I can to make sure he can tolerate and enjoy his life. But people with autism do have to try and understand that other people having feeling about things too. With the Op's son and the fishfingers, he needs to learn that he can refuse to eat them if they aren't how he likes them, but it isn't ok to shout at Mum about it.

I apologise, @MoreRainbowsPlease I shouldn't have been so short. We have had our own battles with pants, and your initial reference to them sounded like you were just expecting him to tolerate the uncomfortable ones. I just find this thread upsetting, as an autistic person and as a mother of an autistic son. Some posters are insisting the OP's son should be punished, is just behaving badly, should not have anywhere he can be comfortable and feel safe - that he should mask 100% of the time. I agree with you that the OP's son needs to learn more polite ways of expressing himself.

Could he learn to or help to cook? I realise it's an ordeal in itself but it has helped my asd child appreciate the process of cooking and given her a bit more "range" in acceptable foods.

@SilkieAndMoonface

He isn't behaving badly by having an aversion to brown bits, it's like someone smothering your food in chopped cockroaches and wondering why you're complaining. And the fact he'll tolerate it in school (is he actually eating it in school or just leaving it?) is irrelevant, autistic people tend to not generalise responses to different settings, as a pp said. If he's like a lot of autistic people, he's probably barely keeping a lid on it at school (especially in the dining hall) from the incessant racket that many children causes, not to mention the odd smells, crowds, terrible lighting, etc. That's not him being angelic, it's him being shut down, masking. He needs to be taught (model it, get him to practise) appropriate responses, that needs to change, you should not be being shouted at, but food issues are part of the way his brain works (and similarly to the pp whose son cannot cope with the sensory issues of most pants - just find more he can wear fgs), it requires work-arounds, not punishment.

I can see your point, but it is also incredibly stressful for OP to be shouted at and constantly on edge seeing if there's the tiniest part of brown. I can sympathise. His needs don't make him right and her wrong.

Completely acceptable to give toast instead.

Agree with PPs about getting him involved in the cooking. Perhaps help him learn to make scrambled eggs or beans on toast or pesto pasta so he can have a quick alternative if he doesn't want to make what you've prepared.

You shouldn't have to make him a whole new meal. What if you made him a new batch of fish fingers and there were brown bits on those too? And the next ones? And the next ones? It could go on forever, so if he can make something else himself, hopefully it will avoid getting stuck in an endless brown bits battle.

Good luck 💐

He wouldn’t act like this at school if the food was slightly browned! So he shouldn’t act like it at home!

This is the crux of it. His tantrum was a choice. His demands are a choice.

You did the right thing, 100%.

Also, just because the OP is his safe space, that doesn't mean she has to be his (metaphorical) punchbag. It's not healthy for the OP to have to put up with being treated like that, and he needs to learn it isn't acceptable.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Also, just because the OP is his safe space, that doesn't mean she has to be his (metaphorical) punchbag. It's not healthy for the OP to have to put up with being treated like that, and he needs to learn it isn't acceptable.

Agreed

Ah fuck - ignore that post! Wrong thread, obviously.

Would he accept if you scraped any brown bits off? I'm thinking like if I slightly overdo toast I scrape off the burnt bits so it doesn't taste of charcoal. That way you wouldn't have to be on edge so much because you could remove any bits prior to him sitting down to eat.

Sympathies OP. I think I would make him a chart about “here are you options when your food is wrong”
Explain that you always try to make things the way he likes but sometimes things go wrong like brown bits on fish fingers. If this happens you have two choices

1. Cut the brown bits off and eat them
2. ask someone to take away the bad fish fingers and eat the rest
3. leave the meal and help yourself to toast and yoghurt Explain that it’s ok to feel cross and frustrated and if he needs to leave the room to calm down first before he makes his choice that’s ok but shouting and screaming is not.

I don't know, he could be able to eat them at school because it's already a stressful environment so he's it's aware of it whereas home is a safe space and he wasn't prepared for it.

I don't know if he'll be able to alter his choices in future-if not it wasn't fair.

All that said I would probably have cracked and done this long ago.

I think it's good for him to understand how people will sometimes react to his behaviour you are building his resilience- you don't do it everyday
@SnarkyBag makes a really good point. You could also add to the list 4) ask mum nicely if she minds making something else BUT make it very clear that it will be up to you if you do. Thhis may help him understand your feelings. Also, an earlier poster said about him doing some cooking Perhaps he could try this occasionally so he understands it isn't an easy job to cook things exactly as he wants them.

You're only human, OP, of course it will be a bit much sometimes

@SilkieAndMoonface, thank you for the apology, I hadn't explained that I didn't want him to wear things he wasn't happy with, I was frustrated by him not seeing that I am trying my best.

I hope things have gone a bit easier for you this evening jgb129.

@Notimeforaname

He wouldn’t act like this at school if the food was slightly browned! So he shouldn’t act like it at home!

Sorry I missed this part. Yes hes playin up.if he can eat it at school

I don't agree with that

It an enormous effort to hold it all together when at school/out. He an NT child playing up, he's a child with SEN. I don't think you should expect them to fight their natural reactions at home unless they endanger someone else.

@jgb129. I really do feel for you. It's exhausting & frustrating. How would he react if you cut off the bits he doesn't like the look of?

I don't blame you for snapping & doing that,not at all, but I don't think you did the 'right' thing.

Hope you're getting some decent sleep tonight, you must be shattered!💐

I realise he has problems but he also needs to be shown that you are not there to take abuse even if he does not see it that way. Let him help you to cook his food and he might become more tolerant. I think you must not always make excuses for his behaviour when it is too bad and show him where the line is and when to stop. Perhaps breathing exercises when it becomes awful and then a talk about how to deal with a situation out of hand with an outcome to suit both of you?

it doesn’t sound like your son has any control over his aversion of the brown bits. To me it does sound like he has control over it as he eats it at school. Yanbu OP.

You probably didn’t react the best way but no ones perfect and what you did wasn’t terrible. Agree with the above posters that it’s a learning experience that people will react differently and that parents have feelings. My kids all have eating issues, I have given up hiding how stressful I find it and I think that’s actually helped with their empathy and resilience

At a different time when there isn’t pressure I like to talk to my kids about how they could fix the problem for themselves. One of mine has learnt to pick the brown bits off. I have another who has huge issues with clothes but we know it’s an adjustment issue so we talk about how a new piece of clothing will feel funny at first and acknowledge he finds things different hard.

@1DoesNotSimplyWalkIntoMordor

My Ds is 20 and we still have days like this, last week it was bacon that was too dry, fries with slightly burnt ends mixed with fries that weren't quite cooked enough, he tolerates these things more now but last week was just a really bad week and and his ability to cope with it was less than usual.

OP those that say things like if he copes with it at school then its a behaviour issue maybe don't understand how children with Autism may compartmentalize, so things that are acceptable in one place (or many places) may not be acceptable elsewhere. It is not something that can always be helped and the child doesn't do it just to be awkward or wind up other people. Also many children with Autism won't speak up at school about things that may cause them to become upset or distressed because of masking or because they have learned that others do not understand their difficulties.

When ds was in primary school there was a belief that children with Autism would behave the same way in any setting and I am so glad that that particular myth has been well and truly busted.

We were told that ds couldn't possibly be autistic because there was a difference in his behaviour at the childminders (where there was no pressure) and his behaviour at school.

To be fair I'd be peeved if I was given raw fries