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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you give up maintenance in this situation?

31 replies

MaintenanceOrNoMaintenance · 04/02/2021 14:20

DD is 6. I earn £30k per year, plus DD has some disabilities so I get LRC for her, plus child benefit and maintenance so my total income is around £32k per year.

The area I live in isn’t expensive. We are in council housing as DD needs certain things due to her disabilities (she’s on the cusp of qualifying for MRC and LRM) so my total rent plus council tax is under £600pm.

I am using a mixture of furlough for childcare reasons and annual leave at the moment (DD goes to a mainstream school as her issues are mainly related to her muscles and not due to social or learning issues) so my bills have increased slightly but I can more than meet it. My car is paid for by work and I only have to cover fuel and insurance for personal use which works out at about £100 a month (DDs conditions mean I try and walk everywhere as it’s really good for her). I have savings as I am planning to buy a house when DD is 18 either so she can live with me permanently or so she has some stability should something happen to me but I can dip into my savings if I need to. I am also saving some money as the therapies and activities that DD does to help her conditions are not currently allowed to open (swimming and gymnastics she does these in a mainstream class with some of her school friends so not open atm).

ExH pays £100 a month maintenance. On paper he earns around £10k a year but most of his assets are paid for by his parents through their business so he has maybe around double that, still a lot less than me.

I’ve recently been feeling guilty about taking maintenance off ExH. He has DD EOW overnight but due to his situation has only seen her once a month since August for a few hours. So at the moment I am her parent 100% of the time (as I can’t really do much in those 2 hours).

I know ExH is struggling financially, his parents only run his assets like that as he’s had problems with keeping a roof over his head so it’s more for DDs benefit than to hide assets from CM. He also has addiction problems although I’m sure he’s clean at the moment and has been for a long time.

For context ExH and I split due to his violence and control in 2017 but we get on mostly ok. We didn’t work as a couple but as friends and parents to DD we do get on ok although I’d never trust myself to be 100% alone with him. He was never violent in front of DD and has never raised his hands to her, if anything he’s the opposite and a bit of a Disney dad.

ExH has not asked to reduce the maintenance, I’m thinking about it. DD will not go without if I accept less, the bills will still get paid, there will still be food in the cupboards, our pets will still get fed and housed.

WWYD? Accept less maintenance or none?

YABU - Continue to take the maintenance
YANBU - don't take the maintenance

OP posts:

TinyCake · 04/02/2021 14:25

Is that the amount the CMS says he should pay? If it is then take it even if you save it and give it to her when she's older. If he hasn't asked to stop then I'd take that as he wants to pay it.

Original poster

MaintenanceOrNoMaintenance · 04/02/2021 14:27

@TinyCake

Is that the amount the CMS says he should pay? If it is then take it even if you save it and give it to her when she's older. If he hasn't asked to stop then I'd take that as he wants to pay it.

It's slightly less than CMS recommend because it was all he would agree to pay. CMS won't get anymore out of him as he's contributing.

OP posts:

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 04/02/2021 14:31

This is money for your daughter. Put it in a savings account for her if you feel you don’t need it. You never know when your circumstances could change.

muppette · 04/02/2021 14:32

Just leave it as it is. I did the same with my ex H and then later had keas income myself and he wasn't helpful.

Put it on one side for her for a rainy day. Or even for helping him should that be needed! Just save it,

pumpkinbump · 04/02/2021 14:33

Keep taking it. 100 a month is nothing! If he's in a financial predicament, that's hos fault, not yours.

TinyCake · 04/02/2021 14:36

Take it then, and don't think any more of it. If he was paying more then I'd have said consider dropping it to the amount they say if he kicks up a fuss. If you feel bad in any way about saving it (not that you should) then spend his £100 to enable you to save £100 of your own for her.

purpleboy · 04/02/2021 14:38

Also agree with keeping it, he is not your responsibility anymore, and unfortunately you don't know what is around the corner. At some point you may need that extra money.

KarmaNoMore · 04/02/2021 14:39

Keep the maintenance, if you are not needing at the moment, save it for future expenses (supplementing university loans, school trips, etc )

He may be struggling but you shouldn’t introduce the idea that maintenance is optional or can be reduced according to your needs.

TheSummerHolidaysMakeMeCrazy · 04/02/2021 14:40

If your daughter has additional needs that means she may need support into adulthood, and your ex is only legally obliged to pay until she leaves education, this £100 could be saved for her to help her when he no longer "has" to pay.

Take it and put it away for her for her future.

Original poster

MaintenanceOrNoMaintenance · 04/02/2021 14:41

Thanks everyone, looks like it's pretty clear I should stick it out. My savings for a house could be used for other things DD needs either now or in the future, so I'll try and see it as him contributing to that.

OP posts:

j10111289 · 04/02/2021 14:41

£100 is a bugger all really and although you sound financially stable you aren’t a high earner so you need it imo.

We earn more than my ex partner does and a in a better financial situation and he still pays maintenance. It’s money for DS, not me.

kittycorner · 04/02/2021 14:41

While I understand your kind thinking, I think it's important that he does pay. Put the money into an account for your dd towards higher education. With interest if you did that for the next 12 years she'd have at least 16k - 18k for her at 18. And that's without you topping up.

I think it's important for your dd to when age appropriate know that both her parents contributed towards her life, in all ways.

I think you've been very generous, particularly in light of what you've shared about your ex-behaviour etc.

TrixIrl · 04/02/2021 14:42

As he's so bad with money and has addiction issues there could well be a day when he stops paying maintenance etc so I would use the money to start a nestegg. Likewise you can't anticipate if anything was to change on your side. Better safe than sorry, and him struggling than your daughter.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/02/2021 14:43

Your ex's financial situation doesn't mean he doesn't have a responsibility towards his child. If you were living together he would still have to contribute! Take the maintenance. Especially as he does no active parenting at the moment.

marshmallowfluffy · 04/02/2021 14:44

Him paying Child Maintenance is proof that despite his addiction and life choices he cares about his dd and sees it as one way that he can be responsible and do the right thing by paying it. I would save the money for your dd just in case something happened to you and the person who takes care of her can use the money to help.

ItsNotAlrightButItsOkay · 04/02/2021 14:45

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for what you're asking. I was just wondering if your daughter has what my daughter has (JIA) and if so, Can I pick your brains?
Sorry if I've got confused. X

WhatKatyDidNxt · 04/02/2021 14:49

No chance! Especially as he does so little for your daughter. Another vote to save it for a rainy day and / or when she is older

VimFuego101 · 04/02/2021 14:49

Absolutely not. You need to make sure your DD's future is secure.

Winter2020 · 04/02/2021 14:54

Continue to take the maintenance

your circumstances could change in the future

if your ex gets, for example, £800 each month - but his rent and bills is paid outside of that - he may not have that much less disposable income than you

if he continues to pay £100 inflation will erode it’s value over the years

if he’s bad with money/addiction he might just waste the money anyway

you can save it for your daughters wants or needs in the future. If she wants something expensive for a birthday or Christmas you might even choose to use some of this and say her dad paid half (if you are feeling that way inclined).

£100 a month is £12000 over the next 10 years, before any interest or stock market returns. If you stop the maintenance and then can’t afford to help with driving lessons, a car, a deposit for a rental etc - you would have been able to if you had accepted this money and saved it.

your ex only pays £100. It is not much to raise a child. I think if you say don’t pay anything although he might say “ok great” you are actually taking away the little dignity he has as a parent at the moment.

Take the money with a clear conscience.

heatherpot · 04/02/2021 14:56

Why are you wasting any headspace on what may or may not be right for him? He doesn't sound great and your dd is entitled to that money. Savings will always be useful to have if you don't need it to meet living costs.

I'm in a similar position in that my ex is useless at being an adult and is subsdised by his parents as a grown man. No addiction issues. I don't need CM as such but he absolutely should pay and the children are entitled to the money. Why should they have to subsidise their own dad?

Godimabitch · 04/02/2021 15:05

If he was struggling for reasons out of his control then I'd have sympathy for him. But it seems like he struggles because he refuses to take responsibility for himself and is an abusive arsehole. So no, its important he takes responsibility for the child he created and barely sees, if he's struggling for money then that's his fault, not yours.

littleloopylou · 04/02/2021 15:08

Your situation could change in an instant. Given he's not even making an issue of it, I'm mystified as to why you would intentionally cut off a completely legitimatel source of financial support.

Jaxhog · 04/02/2021 15:09

It's a pittance quite frankly. Remember, this isn't for you but for your DD. If you don't need it - save it for her college/University/first car.

Doublefaced · 04/02/2021 15:09

Absolutely do not stop this maintenance.
It is hard enough to ensure parents fulfil their financial obligations to their kids without them being granted get out of jail free cards.
Put it in savings in case your circumstances changing.

MessAllOver · 04/02/2021 15:10

Of course you should take it. It's your DD's money, not yours anyway. Her father needs to contribute to her life, even if it's only financially. Leave him to sort his own mess out and save the money for your DD in case she needs additional help later on.

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