Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my ex is being homophobic?

30 replies

Givemethechocolate · 04/02/2021 13:00

Would you say my ex-boyfriend/father to my son is being homophobic?
This is the text he sent me this morning, to begin with:

"Son just told me he's going to holiday destination with you and your girlfriend. Thought we had discussed you would be telling him she's your friend so not to confuse him. Guess you just ignored me as his dad yet again."

Firstly we didn't have a discussion beforehand. He pretty much told me when I told him I was with a woman that I should not encourage being gay in front of our son and that he wants our son to lead a normal life without that influence.

Secondly a bit of background on him. He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me while we were together. This was 4 years ago and I used up in a woman refuge. He is good at manipulation, comes to him like breathing really.

Lastly I casually brought into the conversation about my girlfriend with DS and asked if he minded and he said no and carried on playing. So I don't believe DS has said this to ex but this is exes views on the situation.

He believes I shouldn't have told our DS4 I have a girlfriend because it will confuse him! AIBU to have been so angry at this and to think he is being homophobic!?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 13:01

He pretty much told me when I told him I was with a woman that I should not encourage being gay in front of our son and that he wants our son to lead a normal life without that influence

Yes this is homophobia. I'm sorry Sad

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 13:04

YANBU. I'm sorry your child has to have him as a father. You make no more of a deal.of of ot if it were a male partner you had.

Make sure you're just as cautious and wait an appropriate amount of time to introduce your child to her -as you would with a male partner.

Sometimeswinning · 04/02/2021 13:06

I think him being homophobic isnt your issue here. It just sounds like something else for him to try and control you with.

Original poster
Givemethechocolate · 04/02/2021 13:09

@Notimeforaname yes definitely am waiting a good amount of time to introduce. She has a DD so we had discussed how we would do this. It's important to both of us.

@Sometimeswinning yes, we are currently going through a maintenance dispute as well. Turns out he earns double what he told me. So he's been trying to control me with that and now this on top too.

OP posts:
ClaudiaWankleman · 04/02/2021 13:11

Yeah he's a homophobic wanker.

Ignore, don't pander to him or give him the dignity of a reply.

Wishitsnows · 04/02/2021 13:15

It's simply none of his business if you choose to introduce your partner to your child in the same way you can't dictate the same in his household.

WaltzingBetty · 04/02/2021 13:17

Homophobic.

Ignore and don't engage. He doesn't get to dictate your life. No point even trying to discuss it.

Original poster
Givemethechocolate · 04/02/2021 13:41

Thanks everyone, I'm glad it's not just me who thought that. I told him he's being homophobic but he's swears he isn't because he has gay friends and worked with gay people. But I feel like he's saying I don't mind as long as no one who's gay comes into direct contact with our son

OP posts:
Wheresthesilverlining · 04/02/2021 13:47

Have you been seeing this girl long? Not defending what he said but was it meant in terms of introduce any new partners as friends until its serious? If though use have been seeing each other a while and ur son clearly knows ur in a relationship with her then yes he is homophobic sadly. Ur son sounds more intelligent than ur ex I wouldn't worry and enjoy ur holiday hope use get going

Original poster
Givemethechocolate · 04/02/2021 13:52

No it definitely was not from the angle of introducing her too soon. He knows she hasn't been introduced yet. His words were to introduce her as a friend not to confuse him because he doesn't want a gay influence in our sons life

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 04/02/2021 13:55

I have put you are being unreasonable because why do you care if your ex is homophobic or not?
As long as he doesn’t turn your son’s head. Do you think he would do that?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 04/02/2021 13:56

Yep feels like that to me

@Sometimeswinning exactly, there also seems a general theme of him trying to control and dictate

For clarity l would love to know what a “normal life” is. Bet he would hate my family: in-laws are both divorced and on their 2nd marriage, my brother is bisexual etc

WagnerTheWehrWolf · 04/02/2021 13:57

I agree with @WaltzingBetty. Don't engage with his nonsense. And have a lovely holiday when it arrives!

wishes1111 · 04/02/2021 13:57

I've never understood people like your ex. I cannot find it in me to be bothered by somebody's sexuality, race, religious views etc.

Ignore him. Children adapt to change around them. 💕

jeaux90 · 04/02/2021 14:01

A controlling homophobe
What an absolute knob.

covidaintacrime · 04/02/2021 14:08

How long have you two been together? Does definitely sound homophobic though, it should be no different than introducing a boyfriend. I think you're doing the right thing by being open and counteracting DC's DF's prejudices.

IliveonCoffee · 04/02/2021 14:19

He probably doesn't give a toss one way or the other about the gay influence on his son.

More this is just a convenient stick to beat you with. If you had a male partner younger than you, he would hate for you to be modelling a horrific age gap, and you must not allow your son to realise its normal.

If your new partner was a different ethnicity, I'm sure he wouldn't want his son to think being with a different race was normal.

I mean he's still homophobic in his words and actions, but I'd have doubts it's the main motive behind his current insistence, particularly, if as he claims he has gay friends and hasn't made any discernable effort until now to shield your son from the oh so terrible gay influence.

Thebeginning10 · 04/02/2021 14:23

@Givemethechocolate

No it definitely was not from the angle of introducing her too soon. He knows she hasn't been introduced yet. His words were to introduce her as a friend not to confuse him because he doesn't want a gay influence in our sons life
I’d be more concerned about your son being exposed to the influence of straight people. It’s straight people after all that are the most likely to have gay children.

I’d be tempted to get him a rainbow themed t-shirt to wear next time he’s off to his dad’s, but as he’s an abusive dickhead, ignore that and focus on having a wonderful life without this piece of shit.

What’s important is that your son is parented by someone that loves, encourages and supports him in a home that is safe, it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job.

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 14:25

I told him he's being homophobic but he's swears he isn't because he has gay friends and worked with gay people

Wow,and he's as thick as two short planks as well.

Congrats pn getting away from the cretin.
Sorry you're bound to him by your daughter.

Let him be homophobic and idiotic.
All you can do is keep showing your child a warm loving life with you. Regardless of who is around to share it with you. He sounds like he has a miserable life.

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 14:27

I’d be more concerned about your son being exposed to the influence of straight people. It’s straight people after all that are the most likely to have gay children
🤣 brilliant

ekidmxcl · 04/02/2021 14:27

Stupid man.

It’s so easy to tell little kids this stuff: some people marry men, some marry women. You marry who you want. The end.

YoniAndGuy · 04/02/2021 14:30

"Son just told me he's going to holiday destination with you and your girlfriend. Thought we had discussed you would be telling him she's your friend so not to confuse him. Guess you just ignored me as his dad yet again."

'No, I ignored you as a homophobe. I also ignored you as an abusive bully who didn't discuss with me, but tried to tell me how to interact with my own son. Hope that clears things up. Next time, save the text. Thanks.'

AIMD · 04/02/2021 14:31

Yes he’s being homophobic. Like others though I guess his reaction is partly or mainly about control too.

There doesn’t need to be any discussion with him about your relationship in my opinion. Does he discuss new girlfriends with you? I’d ignore any comments from him.

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 14:31

Son! Not daughter. Sorry 🙄

Original poster
Givemethechocolate · 04/02/2021 18:28

@covidaintacrime it's been about 6 months now
@iliveoncoffee that's a good point. I guess he would probably find anything to pick at. He's just split from his gf so he's probably trying to take it out on me as I'm happy

I've decided now I'm only going to do necessary contact only and not engage in any other stuff he throws at me

OP posts: