To keep my maiden name at work?

[OllietheOwl]

I’m about to return to the office after a years maternity leave. Prior to leaving I was known by my maiden name. I still had bank cards, passport in maiden name but always said when I had children I’d change everything to my married name (which I have done).

My maiden name is very unusual and I have built up a solid career under this name. My married name is much more common - for example I’m now officially “Katy Jones” rather than “Katy Vandenburg” (just examples!).

AIBU to keep my maiden name for work purposes only? It would mean my work email etc wouldn’t marry up with my personal documents.

I also have a first name that’s shortened - ie real name Catherine, shortened to Katy.

So potentially it could look like two completely different names: Katy Vandenburg at work but Catherine Jones on paper.

Or should I just get over it and go with my new name?

YABU - you’ve moved on now. Go with your official name and keep it simple

YANBU - keep your maiden name. Your career was based on this and being another Katy Jones will get lost in the system!

@Igmum

Keep it. I'm an academic and can never understand why women change their names. It's a massive professional disadvantage. YY to making sure HR and colleagues know in case nursery/school etc call but they should all be pretty familiar with this

Seriously. I never changed my birth name when married and told my now husband within the first month of our relationship that I’d never change it. I told him if that’s a deal breaker for him, that’s fine but to let me know. He didn’t care and didn’t want me to change my birth name either. My name would’ve have been extremely boring if I did change it. That name isn’t mine and doesn’t describe my personality or family history at all along with my professional career. Why would I change it?

@Poledra

Keep it - I have, for more than 20 years.

Also, you can have an observation included in your passport that says 'The holder is also known as ...' . I have my own name and professional title noted in mine (this is for UK passports, I don't know about any others!).

That’s really cool. How do you go about doing that?

I still can’t think of a good reason for a woman to change name or title just because she’s married.

Recently did a collection for someone leaving and used PayPal. Didn’t have a clue who about 25% of the payments came from because the names were different. If everyone just kept their own names life would be a lot simpler!

It's super common to stick with a maiden name at work, imo. As others say, you just need to be careful around proof of identity stuff, and sometimes I can't remember if I've ordered something using maiden/married name so when you do click & collect on something (more frequent in pandemic) then if you're me you end up saying "it's either Jones or Vandenburg" - but that's more my inefficency/disorganisation than anything else. I much prefer my maiden name to my married name, so was happiest to keep it.

All official institutions like schools default to the Mrs Jones form even if you're Ms Vandenburg, in my experience, and as most places ask for mobiles for contact details now I wouldn't be worried about the switchboard thing.

@WagnerTheWehrWolf

Depressing that this is even a dilemma. Women and name changing madness.

Absolute sexism stemming from the days when women weren’t considered people in their own rights.

I’d rather pull my teeth out and replace with wooden ones (as was the tradition).

Even the term “maiden name” makes me shudder.

It’s 2021 FFS

Keep your name it’s really common, when I was a PA I had a couple of female bosses who did just this and never had any issues with travel arrangements because I had all the info, never caused any significant issues

Plenty of people do this, I’d do the same

@DicklessWonder

Even the term “maiden name” makes me shudder.

It’s 2021 FFS

As I was typing my reply I tried to figure out a way to say it differently and gave up. I was going to put "original name" but it sounded odd. I agree it's a ridiculous term but it's so engrained.

Yeah 'maiden name' seems so antiquated.

'I'm not in fact a maiden, I'm an adult woman who's had many sexual partners. Good day to you, sir.'

Keep your name.

(The “what if nursery or school phone” thing is a red herring for most people, surely? Mobile phones, direct lines, exist. Obviously not for all jobs but easy enough to give reception/secretary/PA a heads-up that if Tiny Starlets nursery call for Catherine Jones, it’s for you.)

@DicklessWonder

Even the term “maiden name” makes me shudder.

It’s 2021 FFS

Yes, this is why I use(d) the term “birth name” because that’s what it is.

@JingsMahBucket, there is a bit on the passport form (I think it was Section 8, but i'm not entirely sure) for including an observation on your passport. So, when I do it, I say that I want my professional name added - as I have previously held a UK passport in that name, they just accepted it and it gets printed on the page facing your photo page.

Oooh, it is Section 8 - see the guidance here assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/867556/6.4824_HMPO_Applying_for_your_Passport_Guidance_ILB_52__11.19_.pdf

I changed my name to dh's when we married because I didn't want my maiden name anymore (it was my dad's and he was a jerk and I barely knew him - he'd also died years before).

🔔 I call HOUSE

It’s 2021. Women still apparently don’t have names of their own. They must always be considered the property of a man.

(If you hated your birth name that much you could have changed it the minute you hit 18 (or maybe 16). No need to wait for someone to rescue you from the horror via marriage.)

Men often have shite dads but few of them change their surname to reflect this.

[quote Poledra]@JingsMahBucket, there is a bit on the passport form (I think it was Section 8, but i'm not entirely sure) for including an observation on your passport. So, when I do it, I say that I want my professional name added - as I have previously held a UK passport in that name, they just accepted it and it gets printed on the page facing your photo page.

Oooh, it is Section 8 - see the guidance here assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/867556/6.4824_HMPO_Applying_for_your_Passport_Guidance_ILB_52__11.19_.pdf[/quote]
Very cool. Thanks so much for sharing that resource @Poledra. @OllietheOwl this might be a good option for you as well.

This is very common OP. The HR systems hold my official name so there are no issues on official documents (eg payslips) or travel bookings, but my email etc is all in my maiden name.

Have done the same since I married 17 years ago. Not been a problem.

Work travel isn't that much of a faff - I'm an EA and book a lot of travel. it happens more than you think with men - I've had four male directors who go by their middle name over the past couple of years; I'd have had no idea that their used first name wasn't their birth certificate one. If you have a central booking firm then send them a copy of your passport for your travel account.

Re OP's question: Sounds like a lot of unnecessary faff. The easiest thing would have been to keep your own family name: this is the default legal position. Some women do hawk two different surnames around with them in professional and private contexts - I know one or two lawyers (now of the older generation) who do this. I'd find it a nuisance but it would be better than relinquishing your own identity entirely.

Re. random other replies on this thread: discarding my own name would never even have occurred to me. Hence I never asked my husband whether the simple liberty of retaining my own family name was a deal breaker. I stopped to consider even less whether anyone else would have a problem with it (as it turns out some in-laws did, and people who barely know me have also been quite disrespectful). My identity isn't up for negotiation. As it affects no one but me I also don't see why anyone else should care.

NB. my father was a giant arsehole: not a nice thing to day about your dear ole da, but he was extremely abusive and has done untold damage to both me and my sibling. Another thing that never occurred to me was that my name was any less mine than his.

Women do and can continue to call themselves whatever they like - some couples like to portmanteau their names or take other options. (Some can be quite entertaining about the 'Mrs' title, though). Fine and dandy: your name, your choice. But I agree with the PP who mentioned the term 'maiden' name: makes me cringe inwardly. The connotations are nothing short of repulsive. It's not an announcement of my sexual availability or status, it's my family name. Not my father's; not my husband's. Mine.

I use both. Had I got married earlier then I’d have probably used my married name but I was quite old when we eventually got around to getting married and didn’t want to change it at that stage. Also my married name is really unusual, long and has a few variant spellings.

My passport has my maiden name but there’s a bit on the back that says “this holder is also known as” section where you can include your professional title and married name. I travel a lot for work and have never had a problem. I think the only think you are obliged to change is your driving licence but I could be wrong. I changed mine because it was useful having photo ID in both names.

I kept my maiden name at work as I had built up a good reputation, and would have been going from an unusual name to a very commonplace one.
I used my married name for everything else.
Many people at the large company I worked for did the same.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks
Hence I never asked my husband whether the simple liberty of retaining my own family name was a deal breaker.

Do not be mistaken please. I didn't ask him. I told him.

That was me screening out any potential men who didn't believe I had a right to my own name. I also told him in that first month that I didn't want to ever have children either and if that was a problem or deal breaker for him then we could stop the conversation right there so we didn't waste each other's time. He also didn't care about kids and came around to my perspective on them as well. :)

I’ve double barrelled my surname as I wanted to share a surname with my baby, but am continuing to be know as my original (single) name at work.

How does it work with HMRC and other official agencies?
I didn't know you could have 2 surnames, you learn something new everyday.

Lots of people I know who attained their professional qualifications and started their careers under their birth name and then later decided to change their name at marriage or for some other reason have done this, it seems perfectly reasonable to me.