NRPs who act like Victorian fathers, swooping in with a stern word

[HugeAckmansWife]

Anyone else get riled by this? My ex sees the kids EOW only (100% his choice - I'd happily do 50/50 but he didn't want to and now lives too far away for it to be feasible). I work FT with 2 tween DCs. Its tough going at the best of times and these are obvs not the best of times.

Very occasionally, because I feel like he should know and be involved, I let him know if one or other is going through a really bad patch behaviour wise or has done something especially bad. I'd like it to be a dialogue between us, where we can discuss strategies but recently he has taken to calling up the DC and having stern words as though his input from hundreds of miles away for a 5 minute chat is going to solve all the problems, immediately make the DC reform and he can feel like he's parenting. What actually happens is they nod and apologise and promise to behave / try etc then end the call and come crying or angry to me which I then have to deal with.

He makes "suggestions" about what happens at his house which always hold the implication that they (he and his current wife) are doing it better, ignoring the fact that a) there are 2 of them and b) they only ever see them on weekends and holidays so they are never juggling work / school / homework etc. He has refused to do any homeschooling this time (this would be practical and possible, just would make his life more awkward, like mine is)but checks up on their Teams accounts and then asks them about anything that is overdue and "doesn't Mummy make you do X"?

So, I suppose my AIBU is, should I be "grateful" that he is involved and making any kind of effort , or am I right to be pissed off that he does none of the day to day care, has an entirely different experience of parenting to me and is a smug twat who doles out "advice" from arms length but doesn't do the very few things that would be possible that would make life easier?

Stop telling him unless it’s absolutely vital, and remove him from the teams accounts.

Don’t make your life, or your children’s lives harder.

I would stop telling him what they are up to.

YANBU day to day care is world's apart from what he is doing. Don't tell him so much. He is using the information to make out he is a better parent and put you down.

I can't remove him - he just logs in - he has PR so I have no basis to stop him having access. I don't really mind that he can see it, I just would prefer a more constructive approach, like, maybe actually DOING some of the homeschooling or talking them through a task over facetime. I usually can go months without telling him, I just get on with it but obviously at the moment we are all home all the time so there are more issues and I really bloody resent being the one who has to do it all AND not getting acknowledgement from him that my circs are significantly different and harder than his.

You need to swap roles for a few weeks.
He does the weekdays and you do the weekends.
I'd pitch it too him that you really need his help to get them into a routine and he is such a fantastic role-model they will really benefit from his wisdom.
I'd then swoop in with the advice and stern words sporadically over the phone when he's tearing his hair out whilst reclining on the sofa with Netflix and chocolate.
He needs a taste of reality.

Respond by telling him to address whatever is concerning him while the children are with him...

oh spied I would bloody LOVE to do that, but if he refuses (which he has and does) I can't force him. I practically begged him to share this lot of lockdown homeschooling and he just won't - we are the same position work wise, so its only me that has to do a half arsed job and let my employer down, while he gets to be a great, reliable employee with no distractions.

You need to reduce this idiot in your mind to the twat that he is, shrug your shoulders when your dc come crying.

You are partly responsible for giving your kids the impression that HE MATTERS. When, over time, they will come to realise (not yet) that he doesn’t.

On another note. It’s hard. You are not wrong for resenting the prick on a personal level. Have some and some

Aww thank you latent. I do have plenty of people reminding me what a twat he is constantly - most of my family are dying to tell the kids some home truths about him but I won't let them (yet). I am waiting for the point at which they will work it out for themselves, which I know will happen, but its hard. I do sometimes, when they complain about travelling to his, or wish we all lived together still, tell them to say that to him as it was all entirely his choice, but other than that I make non committal noises and vagualy suggest they call him once in a while, but they rarely do off their own bat.

Grey rock him. Grey rock is your friend. He is not.

Go you, OP, for managing all this single handedly. I hope on your child-free weekends you are resting and having long baths and connecting with your lovely family. That’s the real antidote to his fuckwittery.

Oh my ex does this too. My dc are teenagers now & tend to gently place their phone down, wander off & let him rant at the air...

If his diatribes did actually improve the dc's behaviour/work ethic/attitude I'd be quite appreciative of his efforts. As it is, they think he's a pompous wally & enjoy taking the piss - they see him regularly & are quite fond of him, but definitely don't see him as any sort of authority figure.

Ds once told me he envisaged his dad as Cartman from South Park 'Respect Mah Authority!'. I did try to pull my face straight but then gave up & corpsed - it's absolutely spot on.

From your POV, definitely grey rock him. You can't control his parenting, but you can disassociate from it. If he's no help, don't hand him the ammo to be a hindrance. Then leave your dc to come to their own conclusions. They will.

Oh I do - and I have a partner but we can't see each other much at the moment. I have no interest in a blended family or setting up a step dad for them, but he does do very practical things that help me enormously and spoils me a lot when its possible. Thank you for the words of support - sometimes I just need a little rant and I have probably bored my family rigid by now!

Have you told him the teams thing undermines you and all the hard work you’re doing. Or is that pointless.

OP, I completely disagree with the users suggesting not telling him what is happening with the kids. It looks like he wants to be involved, it is just not efficient. I can see why he is reluctant to do the homework on his weekends, he wants this time to be fun and enjoyable for the kids. I am not saying it is right, but he might be afraid they just won't come to see him if he pushes homework on them.
The situation is very hard on you, what I would suggest is to try and have a calm and constructive conversation with their dad. I would suggest explaining him in details their learning structure, encourage him to pick up certain activities he can physically help with remotely. Explain to him you are fully on board with him being a vital part of their education, however it needs to be more practical rather than chasing you, specifically 'doesn't mummy make you do it' is very unhelpful.
If it doesn't work or he gets defensive then I would ignore him in future and let children decide what they want to share with their dad

Ha this made me chuckle as I really recognize your description. Except I'm still married to my DCs dad. He's around much more due to covid but before that he barely saw them all week due to work (his choice) and would try and swoop in as if his word was law at the weekend - very Victorian! You cant be a hands off parent and then expect your DC to follow your orders/advice when it suits you. The DC would either ignore him or get upset and I'd have to sort it. It's all a bit pathetic.

I can imagine it's ten times worse in your position. YANBU!

@CorvusPurpureus

Oh my ex does this too. My dc are teenagers now & tend to gently place their phone down, wander off & let him rant at the air...

If his diatribes did actually improve the dc's behaviour/work ethic/attitude I'd be quite appreciative of his efforts. As it is, they think he's a pompous wally & enjoy taking the piss - they see him regularly & are quite fond of him, but definitely don't see him as any sort of authority figure.

Ds once told me he envisaged his dad as Cartman from South Park 'Respect Mah Authority!'. I did try to pull my face straight but then gave up & corpsed - it's absolutely spot on.

From your POV, definitely grey rock him. You can't control his parenting, but you can disassociate from it. If he's no help, don't hand him the ammo to be a hindrance. Then leave your dc to come to their own conclusions. They will.

Your son is a genius!

A lot of this sounds like my exh.

Mine had totally refused any meaningful homeschooling, and had also managed to schedule building works so that they will be going on throughout this lockdown and he can’t have the children over at all during this period. So I’ve got them all the time.

I’m a key worker and he’s not. If he’d done his bit, Ds could probably have been homeschooled as I work from home, but as it is he’s having to go to school (currently 2 days going up to 4), meaning that his sister (12) who has asthma is exposed to risk.

Mine does it to me, not the kids. Lets me know how disappointed or upset he is about things (how often the kids call him is the main one - they usually video call him 5-6 times a week but if it goes to three days without one I'll start getting the P/A "I'm so disappointed" messages - obviously aimed at me because which primary school aged kids have EVER said spontaneously "I haven't talked to Daddy in two days, must call him?" Of course I set and up and suggest EVERY SINGLE CALL EVER which he won't acknowledge.)

Makes me feel like shit tbh and it's all I can do to keep a civil tongue in my head. I don't respond to the messages but they do rile me up.

Have you discussed this with him? Have you communicated with him as to why you're letting him know about their poor behaviour? Maybe he thinks he's being supporting by "backing you up". Maybe he thinks thats why you tell him.

I would stop telling him if you don't want his input.

Re Teams and school work, have a proper chat with him. Tell him why things don't always get done and suggest that if he wants to be involved they can stay with him until schools reopen, or at least for a while. He can't have it both ways. It must be really hard working FT with two kids and not having someone there to pick up the slack, he probably needs to be more empathetic to your situation.

Thank you all, some good points on here. Unfortunately our co-parenting is not good. He left for OW and has never acknowledged that he was in the wrong (classic "script" that he'd been unhappy for ages etc) . He was paying decent maintenance then decided to scale it back to CMS only so that's another bone of contention. Over the years this has been going on, any attempt to work together positively always disintegrate - he can't seem to stop sending pompous, pseudo "legal" type emails that are full of crap and fail to acknowledge his unequal contribution, in all senses. I have learnt that the best way is to ignore him as much as possible.

re the calling - I suggest it to the kids most days but they just aren't bothered. It doesn't help that he seems to forget they are now significantly older and he still talks to them like toddlers.

I would tell him that he is absolutely right. Clearly you are letting the kids down and this situation must not stand. They will be over Mon-Fri next week so the ‘expert’ can work his magic.

LuaDipa I'd love to do that - If I thought the kids would go, I would!!

I suspect in a few years he won’t be seeing the children at all as they will start refusing to go. I agree stop contact with him if it isn’t about when he’s picking the kids up. He can talk directly to the children and then they will start not answering.

Men like this make my blood boil. And there is literally nothing to be done.
Just hold onto the fact in the long term he won’t have that great a relationship with them, but then he probably won’t care

I'd tell him if he doesnt contribute to the home schooling he doesnt get to criticise. If he suggests helpful things he does at his house, tell him once he parents 12 days out of 14 he can have an opinion.

Was he controlling by any chance when you were.married?

People who do fuck all or very little yet criticise others for their efforts should have a special place in hell