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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My overreaction due to pregnancy?

30 replies

Jurysinnoutinout · 04/02/2021 09:21

I have found myself pregnant - 32 weeks gone now. Not my first but totally unexpected due to a number of medical conditions.

Getting stuff for the baby. Didn’t want to go pre-owned for things like pram, cot, Moses basket so obviously didn’t. Totally different mindset to in laws where if anything can be preowned it is and this therefore includes baby stuff.

SIL has a little one of a few months and is using a support seat that’s 6 or 7 years old and been pre-loved by a number of baby bums around that side of the family. Not thinking, I stupidly mentioned to MIL that we would be getting one. Her response was quite firmly that we were wrong to get a new one, and that it was a personal slight as not only had she got this thing x years ago but it was basically a family heirloom.

I totally accept that I don’t like accepting things from that side. A drama is always made regarding the favour that’s been done, and I am often told that families should split wealth with the focus pretty much always on us to do said splitting (countless incidents where we have been expected to foot a bill or allow usage of things). This colours my view, and I accept that I don’t want it to be an opener to us having to lend stuff (current example we are getting a night nanny and are hearing a lot about how tired SIL is and how she could do with a break when lockdown finishes but baby sitting is so expensive)...

DH basically said I was on a highway to nothing trying to explain my view, but I called her back to try (yes I know before the thread fixates on this, idiotic and aggravating but I was genuinely trying clear the air as she had previously finished with the ‘well I won’t bother knitting anything then if this is how you feel about the seat’). I tried to explain it that I just never grew up either borrowing or lending (which I didn’t) and MIL eventually exclaimed that if that’s how I viewed it she would view inheritance in the same way as it was just giving family stuff after all including a particular piece of furniture DH likes (that I loathe) and that DC wouldn’t get helped (ha! Never helped with a penny yet!) on the same principle.

I feel very stupid, very pregnant and easily agitated. I shouldn’t have called or pushed to try and get her to see what I meant but did she over react or did I deserve everything I got?

OP posts:

OrangeSlices998 · 04/02/2021 09:29

I think you’re being quite snobbish about secondhand things frankly, and I imagine that’s come across to your MIL. I wouldn’t reuse a secondhand car seat that was that old for safety reasons, but we have a secondhand pram and lots of clothes kindly gifted by friends.

However I think you probably shouldn’t have tried to explain, you’re entitled to your opinion but she’s also entitled to be offended by your stance and you then ringing to get your point across further just made things worse IMO. I’m not sure it’s a hill worth dying on?

strawberrypip · 04/02/2021 09:34

I guess its up to you as it's your baby. Were you polite when you were rejecting second hand things or did you do it in a down putting way? Maybe this has got her back up.

Agree with you about the seat - don't agree with you about things like a pram. Both my prams have been second hand, as was the next to me crib, I just got a new mattress which is advised. But like I said, that's up to you and what you feel comfortable spending, some people do feel funny about things that aren't new.

BeesAnkles · 04/02/2021 09:36

I think she sounds completely batshit. Giving is supposed to be a nice gesture for the receiver's benefit. If you don't want/need something she has absolutely no right to get angry with you. You have no obligation to accept anything you don't want!

Petmytrain · 04/02/2021 09:40

Nothing wrong in refusing second hand stuff you don’t want and will only clutter your home accepting them just to keep the peace. If you can afford brand new things why not.
I grew up dirt poor and my childhood was spent wearing second hand clothes from neighbours. My parents worked extremely hard and facilitated a great expensive education for me which resulted in great financial stability for me and my children. And now that I can afford brand new things, I don’t get anything second hand, neither for me nor for my children.

FelicityPike · 04/02/2021 09:40

No I wouldn’t have second hand things for my baby either, and that’s an individual choice.
I also personally loathe hand knitted baby clothes (think that stems from my own childhood though, my gran was a brilliant knitter).

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 04/02/2021 09:42

I think you’re being a bit precious maybe over secondhand stuff, but at the same time there’s obviously a history of issues where you feel they are expecting stuff from you that you don’t want to give/share. Personally I’d avoid calling her for a bit. Let your DH handle them.

2ndtimemum2 · 04/02/2021 09:45

Op this baby is yours and your husbands so its entirely up to you whether you want to buy new or second hand...its your money so no one has a.right to tell you how to spend it...each to their own but there is no way in hell I would be using a second hand car seat that I don't know how it was used by the previous family members...that's putting a babies life at risk in the case of an accident.

However your mother in law is not going to change that is her belief system and sometimes for an easy life its easier to nod an smile rather than engaging in a discussion with someone who will never see your point of view.

And I would stick to your guns about not lending or borrowing too. Maybe its time to keep the information about nightnurses etc to yourself? Especially if your sil can't afford such luxury it may look like your looking your nose down on them.

Good luck on the birth of your baby

frazzledasarock · 04/02/2021 09:55

When it comes to personal finances, the less you tell anyone the better.

Using second hand stuff is entirely your own personal decision, I tend to decline other peoples stuff too, it's too emotive and if it's held over your head forever more as a favour when in fact you would have preferred new things for your baby anyway, it's a pain in the arse.

Step back and ignore, and stop telling them things about what you're getting. And if she refuses to leave your husband the piece of furniture he wants and tells you so, well it's entirely up to her.

luxxlisbon · 04/02/2021 09:59

This totally depends on how it was done. You obviously don't want anything second hand full stop and you haven't changed your view on that, which is your choice. However your title is asking about overreaction which makes me wonder how this went down and what was actually said to MIL.

I don't even understand why you pushed to make MIL see your side, there is no POV to understand really, you just didn't want the stuff. Perhaps by trying to justify why you didn't want it you came across rude and that rubbed MIL the wrong way?

It is hard to tell who is being unreasonable from this.

Santaiscovidfree · 04/02/2021 10:01

Back away op.. After all the ils are themselves secondhand. They were dh's dps first!!
Seriously you can't argue with stupid. And they are for trying to tell you how you feel is wrong. They brought up their dc their way. And you can do the same.
And for the record my ils never ever had my mobile number.. Leave the dc managing a relationship with them to dh. Makes for a much more peaceful life. Then dh can be the one to update /send pics etc. You can't be blamed for lack of info then!!

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/02/2021 10:09

Take a leaf out of the Royal Family’s book when it comes to your in laws... never complain, never explain.

You don’t need to explain yourself, next time just say “thanks that’s really kind, but I’ve been super organised and already got everything we need”.

Godimabitch · 04/02/2021 10:11

It's your own decision so stop discussing it with them as you know they will disagree. They probably are hurt by your stance, makes it seem like they and their things aren't good enough for you.

But I do think you're being quite snobbish, about that family in general, I definitely got the impression you think you're better than them.
But also, there is nothing wrong with second hand, fantastic that a lump of plastic has been by loads of babies instead of each family buying a new lump of plastic. We've bought pretty much everything second hand, except the car seat, we could easily have afforded to buy everything new but why add to the giant rubbish piles of our planet?

billy1966 · 04/02/2021 10:45

@JemimaTiggywinkle

Take a leaf out of the Royal Family’s book when it comes to your in laws... never complain, never explain.

You don’t need to explain yourself, next time just say “thanks that’s really kind, but I’ve been super organised and already got everything we need”.

I agree with above.

Step back.

Stop giving them information that is none of their business.

Stop trying to make things better.

Stop being so needy of them and gaining their approval.

You have it in your power to just not get involved in their battshittery.

Don't discuss what you have or what you are doing/buying.

Stop throwing fuel on this situation.

Step away.

Your MIL clearly likes drama.

Google the "grey rock" method of communication and apply it to your situation.

There in lies a more peaceful life.

mootymoo · 04/02/2021 10:50

I second you coming over as snobbish and entitled when it comes to second hand. And the fact you are getting a night nanny just enforces the implication that your in laws whilst now comfortable obviously understand what it's like to have less money now and you don't. I also get cultural undertones with the "splitting wealth" I'm guessing you are from a different background.

It's up to you how you spend your money but you come across as critical of second hand and it is far more sensible than new for many!

Kitdeluca1 · 04/02/2021 11:02

Second hand was a no from me aswell OP both my babies had new, aside from the pram that converted to a double. Your in laws sound a lot like mine you say no to one little thing and she’s gone off the deep end, I can relate! I’ve learnt to just accept anything they give me, smile then if I don’t want it it gets packed away and given back when the babies ‘outgrown’ it.

Ticklemynickel · 04/02/2021 11:25

If you don't want to discuss it, then don't mention it. There are plenty of things we don't mention to either set of parents because it'll lead to some sort of discussion and I can't be arsed listening to feeding advice from the 1980s.

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2021 11:29

Have you told your husband his mom is threatening to disinherit him over a mouldy fucking seat?

IEat · 04/02/2021 11:29

It’s your choice if you want new

strudsespark · 04/02/2021 11:36

Look at it from mil's point of view. You are rejecting everything they have to offer, nothing is good, new or fancy enough for you in their eyes.

Picture you getting a dil who is better accustomed, comes from more money and rejects all you have to offer. It's probably how they perceive the situation.

But at the same time you say by accepting anything, you will be opening a floodgate of expectations and I understand your apprehension. Could you (together with your dh) put some firm boundaries in place, so that you can gracefully accept some things from them (you don't have to use them) but still be firm on what is yours and that you save and pay for what you get, not to subsidize others.

grey12 · 04/02/2021 11:46

Some things you should get new: mattress and car seat!! Very important!

Pram? If you can get a good one second hand, why not? Cot? The cot I slept on was a wrought iron heirloom. New mattress though.

MaskingForIt · 04/02/2021 11:54

each to their own but there is no way in hell I would be using a second hand car seat that I don't know how it was used by the previous family members

FFS, read the OP. It is a support seat, not a frickin’ car seat.

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2021 12:03

YANBU
You are not obliged to take anything from anyone.

Good for them that they pass things around and recycle...some people want their own stuff knowing it doesn't have to go back into the 'extended family possessions we all share' pile

How very sad that your MIL thinks her way is correct.
How very sad for you all that she's such a cruel,tight woman threatening to remove inheritance because you want your own stuff. She sounds like a horrible,controlling woman

Bourbonbiccy · 04/02/2021 12:29

YANBU i never wanted anything second hand for our son. It wasn't made into a big deal, we just bought what we wanted.

We were offered items from other people which we politely declined, I do remember a friend getting a bit upity about some shoes !! so I took them put them in a bag and then give them back in couple of weeks without every going near his feet. I'm not sure why people feel offended by it.

Look it's up to her how she distributes her inheritance but sounds very petty and a lot like hard work, there are obviously already issues, just take a step back for a little while, maybe reconnect after baby is born.

Angeldust2810 · 04/02/2021 13:05

YANBU. It’s your choice to have new. You are not asking anyone else to pay for it. I hate it when people try to palm off stuff on others. It’s nice to offer if the motivation is to help but if the answer is no thanks that should be the end of it. But not where the ulterior motive is to exert control or avoiding a trip to the rubbish tip.

TheGlitterFairy · 04/02/2021 13:19

Eugh - I feel for you OP. First pregnancy here after many many years of fertility treatment / surgeries and my SIL keeps trying to palm off her baby stuff (whereby most of it was second hand to start with) onto me. I don’t see why it’s so hard for people to understand you might want to choose your own new items for your baby particularly when it’s been hard earned!! I’ve been just saying a polite thanks but no thanks and trying not to get embroiled in a conversation about it but it’s irritating to say the least.
Stick to your guns and buy what you want for your baby. You don’t need to apologise for being able to buy all things new.

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