to ask whether anyone has overcome low self-esteem?

[oggbogg]

And if so how? I am in my late 40s and outwardly probably seem OK. I don't think people would think I am especially confident but I sometimes do things that look as though I might be - give talks to large numbers of people, that kind of thing.

I have a lucky and fortunate life but MY GOD I have spent my whole life internally torturing myself with feelings of inadequacy. At the moment, these feelings are mostly focused on my career which I experience as a total humiliating failure. I punish myself for every mistake, I dissect everything I do and find it wanting, and constantly punish myself for that. It's so painful but I also know by now that if I didn't work for whatever reason, I would find something other way to internally tear myself apart.

Is anyone else like this and crucially what have you done if so? I have tried counselling and self-help books and sometimes they help a little but it seems my brain is set to function like this.

Another danger of comparing ourselves with others is that we almost always compare our one self with a host of others. It's easy to think I am so useless, everyone else I know has a happy relationship, a great job, a brilliant figure, lovely kids, great relationship with their parents, a massive income. Whereas in fact some of them are slim, others are happy in love, others have a great job etc.

I have to work on this with DS2. 'I felt rubbish tonight when everyone else was talking about all the girls they've been out with and i will never get a girlfriend.'

Me: 'So does H have a girlfriend?'
'Well no.'
'And J?'
'No, he was complaining too.'
'And we know B doesn't.'
'Yeah but...'
'So out of a crowd of seven friends, three have girlfriends. You are in the majority.'
'Oh, right. Yeah.'
It's just too easy to focus on what certain other people have. It's so damaging and pointless. And as soon as we get what they have we move on to focus on what someone else has that we lack because it's a habit of mind not a genuine lack.

@Labobo

I really like the phrase 'don't compare the inside of your world to the outside of someone elses'

It sounds very shallow but dressing better helped me. It really does completely change the way people treat you, especially in new situations. I realised the way I was being treated wasn’t a reflection of my interior, but a reaction to my exterior. This helped me understand there was really nothing fundamentally lacking in me, and there was no reason for me to feel small or inadequate.
This of course doesn’t apply to people who know you. It’s an unfortunate and really unfair truth, but according to some people the clothes supposedly do really make the woman.

Being in a nurturing and supportive relationship, particularly with someone accomplished, emotionally intelligent, and with plenty of people skills... really helped me to learn and grow in those areas myself... like going to school, but in your own home/comfort zone, in a gentle affectionate environment.

Travelling and seeing diverse cultures and ways of living allowed me to understand there are many ways of being, and the way you are yourself and your own uniqueness is an asset to be embraced rather than hidden.

Learning new skills and engaging in new hobbies is another big one... I think it’s about feeling accomplished and more functional.

Visualising where I want to me and who I want to be... I thing we don’t yet understand how this works, but the metaphysics is real... we become what we think about or desire most.

I suffer from low self esteem at times too.
Never felt good enough to eat in restaurant or go to nice places,it drives dh insane.
The weird thing is pple think I'm confident and quite outspoken at work.I think my parents were hyper critical.My dm still is A and cannot say anything nice or complimentary to me.She just can't.Tbh it is the lockdown that has given me a space from her.We speak on the phone and I do feel a sense of duty to her but I do have a mental distance from her criticism. I should've got a better paid job etc.This.
When I'm happy I can see I am slim,hardworking,friendly,well organised.I do think some self esteem is down how well we are regarded by our parents though.
Why not write a list of all of your good points and read it when you need a boost.

Yes to bring your own advocate. And faking it until you make it. I think you almost have to brainwash yourself for a bit and give no quarter to the thoughts telling you you’re not good enough. Or at least tell yourself they are false. It takes a lot of self-discipline and quite a lot of using your own mental over-ride button.

I had some counselling and also listened to some hypnosis tracks which were a bit woo for my taste but they are a very effective way to reset your brain when you go down a rabbit hole of insecurity. Actually repeating self affirmations (I am good enough etc) can be helpful even though it feels weird.

Oggbogg if you are in a position where you are giving talks to large groups, I would say you are probably doing well career-wise. I'm nearly 40 and avoid doing anything like this whenever I can. I feel terribly inadequate too and can't find words in these situations and as a result haven't really achieved as much as I could. You can give me a few pointers and tell me where I am going wrong!

No, I still struggle with it but I've got better at practising at not caring. By which I mean, making the occasional mistake or something doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

I found it so exhausting torturing myself with my perceived short comings and tying myself in knots trying to please everyone and I was so unhappy as a result. Trusting that I'm essentially a good person, that I always try my best to be so has to be good enough.

I won't always please everyone, nor will everyone like me. Its been a painful lesson but im learning to let it go. I've put boundaries in place and I'm happier as a result.

@TaraR2020

No, I still struggle with it but I've got better at practising at not caring. By which I mean, making the occasional mistake or something doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

I found it so exhausting torturing myself with my perceived short comings and tying myself in knots trying to please everyone and I was so unhappy as a result. Trusting that I'm essentially a good person, that I always try my best to be so has to be good enough.

I won't always please everyone, nor will everyone like me. Its been a painful lesson but im learning to let it go. I've put boundaries in place and I'm happier as a result.

I used to struggle with not everyone liking me. Then I eventually realised that everyone I myself like and respect, actually does like me! So the ones that don't, it's not that there's something wrong with me, just a question of dynamics, or judging without knowing me.

Don't want to suggest a self-help book as I agree with pp that they sometimes make you measure and scruitinise yourself further, but I recall reading a book about confidence and the general theme was that most people appreciate competence over confidence and it's a bit of a myth that a confident personality gets you wherever you want in life. I know it is not the same as self-esteem, but I think the pressure of constantly projecting a confident personality and needing to 'work' on it can be more damaging to your self esteem than anything else. It was an interesting read.

@NoOpinionNoProblem

Don't want to suggest a self-help book as I agree with pp that they sometimes make you measure and scruitinise yourself further, but I recall reading a book about confidence and the general theme was that most people appreciate competence over confidence and it's a bit of a myth that a confident personality gets you wherever you want in life. I know it is not the same as self-esteem, but I think the pressure of constantly projecting a confident personality and needing to 'work' on it can be more damaging to your self esteem than anything else. It was an interesting read.

I agree with this. IME very confident people can annoy others greatly, and people are way less tolerant of their faults. A bit of self deprecation on the other hand can make people feel much warmer. Maybe because most of us can be a bit insecure and so relate better.

Hi OP low self esteem is really tough. There's a youtube channel Dr Christina Hibbert. I found her videos really helpful especially the 3 minute therapy videos for low self esteem.

Exactly, well put :)

lobster8
Thank you for mentioning CCI Health. Their workbook is really helpful.

Yes about ten years ago. I found a book breaking the chain of low self esteem by Sorensen. After that, did some therapy. I also joined an online forum specifically for one of the base reasons for the low self esteem. The first step is recognising you have low self esteem. Sounds like you are thinking of moving into a more positive space about yourself. My warmest thoughts are with you on your journey

My suggestion would be to research the “inside out” theory.

It effectively teaches us that our thoughts are just projections and are not reality and therefore we can choose to place them to one side and find the real “us” inside. The us which is not affected by what has happened to us in life.

What would happen if you stopped telling yourself that you are self conscious and have low self esteem? Who would you be without that narrative in your life?

I’m very new to the concept but it has completely changed how I view and process my thoughts and emotions.

If you are really prepared to go for it, Kara is absolutely the business for "sorted out" your brain. Enjoy.

https://unfuckyourbrain.com

I overcame the worst of it with taking therapy.
Again it's caused by parents saying things in jest or without thinking that caused a lot of it.
Finding a really good counsellor was life changing.
I went to find the root cause of my anxiety and the self esteem stuff also came out.
I used to be a massive oversharer because I didn't trust my own judgement so I told everyone everything so they could validate me.

I still have anxiety but it was completely manageable until COVID, now it's not great but I'm still in a far better place than I was a few years ago

There must be a connection with comparing oneself to others, no?

I know some incredibly successful people. I can identify very specific things in their backgrounds that are different to mine that has made certain things easier for them (contacts in industry,etc) but it doesn’t stop me feeling inadequate in my achievements next to them.

I have! And it has changed my life so much.

I was in a terrible situation a few years ago where I was being bullied in work. I was suicidal at one point. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression. Things were very difficult.

I had counselling for ptsd several years ago and felt I had overcome the traumatic event that had caused it. The bullying in work brought it all back.

My social worker put me forward for a course on PTSD which really helped me understand my brain and explained how I was thinking. It made me see that my illness was not my fault.

When I finally got my counselling I was in a much better place and my counsellor was excellent. She identified low self esteem v quickly and focused on my childhood and events that could have contributed to it. The idea being your core belief about yourself is formed then.

So the little things I had dismissed as being "silly" added up and contributed to me thinking I was pretty rubbish.

Once that wa identified we put together a new core belief - I, chose "I am just as good as anyone else". I did loads of work on automatic thought records which helped me to rationalise my thoughts about different situations, which were quite often centred around imposter syndrome type feelings.

It has completely changed how I live my life. I am so much gentler on myself now, and I can identify when I am thinking a thought Vs an actual fact, if that makes sense.

It really was a long process but I put the work in and it has really paid off. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that it took me until 38 to get sorted, especially when I think of all the things I didn't do when my kids were little because of my lack of self esteem. But then I give myself a bit of a shake and remind myself that I made the best decisions I could based on what I knew at the time.

Yes I have and I would recommend CBT.

I think this is a really good point. In my career I have often had 'nemesis's' (nemisi?!) - people who have out-performed me, and I get horribly jealous and twisted about them, and use their success to beat myself up for my own failures. I am really trying not to do that not least because it is not that pleasant, but I am trying to remind myself that it is not whether I am 'the best,' but whether I am better than yesterday. And whether I am doing my best. It's hard but I also know that I have wasted so much time worrying about who is better than me as opposed to just getting on with my own thing and being the best that I can be. It's a work in progress though even at my grand old age.

Oh, that previous post was a response to an earlier one and I only just realised that lots of others have commented too. I am going to come back to this later! Looks like lots of interesting stuff here.

@oggbogg - I remember when I was first introduced to the notion o f'personal best' what a liberating idea it was. No need to look left, right, over your shoulder at what others are doing or achieving, just improve what you do, how you do it and keep moving towards how/where you want to be. It wastes far less energy.

I found Six Pillars of Self Esteem book helpful.

Jordan Peterson talks wonderfully well in his numerous videos and podcasts (for example ) about the meaning of life and responsibility to be the best person you can be, so that perspective distances you from your personal anxieties somewhat because they stop being the focus of your attention.

It's also good to identify what causes or triggers these feelings. For most people the cause is somewhere in the upbringing and triggers are events that resemble the events that caused the insecurities in the first place. So it could be and absent parent figure in childhood as the cause, and then how supportive/present (or not) people are at work, in personal relationships, etc. Some of the present set-up you might be able to change although it's not easy or quick.

Finally, highly sensitive, gifted people on the spectrum experience everything with more intensity because of how their brain is wired. So this is a possibility too.

@SecretOfChange, what might be some of the effects of an absent parent figure?