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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t think I can take another illness...

35 replies

Icantthinkofausername1 · 04/02/2021 07:50

I’ve been with someone for 3 years who has severe healthy anxiety. Every day there’s something wrong. I try so hard to be sympathetic, but I get to the point where I just want to say “oh will you just piss off” I’m getting to this point more and more now.

I’ve said about help, but they won’t! It really is taking over their life and it’s got progressively worse.

I don’t mean to be selfish but it ruins my day, every day and the struggle to stay positive these days is extra hard. I don’t know what my AIBU is really, I suppose it’s am I being really impatient or YANBU it’s soul destroying listening to someone wake up every single day with a new illness.

Would it be a deal breaker for any of you?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
MeanMrMustardSeed · 04/02/2021 07:52

It would be a deal breaker for me to the extent that I would have ended it 2 years, 9 months ago. Life is short.

Worried830410 · 04/02/2021 07:55

yanbu. I would have ended it a long time ago. Your dp will just emotionally drain you and drag you down. And it will never go away, so it just comes down to you living like this forever.

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2021 07:56

Deal breaker for me too not the illness that cant be helped but the refusing to get help part that is a deal breaker

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/02/2021 07:58

You don't have to stay with anyone you don't want to. Relationships built on guilt and obligation are not really ideal are they.

Obviously when you care about people you do your best to support them and help them through. However it shouldn't be at the cost if your own well being amd IMO I dont think.its worth putting yourself through trying to help people who won't help themselves. You cant carry everything.

DinosaurDiana · 04/02/2021 07:58

Having lived with someone with anxiety it would be a deal breaker for me.
Pleas don’t waste your life.

CherryRoulade · 04/02/2021 07:58

Yes. I wouldn’t tolerate it. Introspective, self-indulgence at its worse.

Original poster
Icantthinkofausername1 · 04/02/2021 08:00

Thank you to you have replied...I really needed to hear this today.

I feel like I’m being a terrible person because they’re clearly not well. However, I can’t fix that and enabling it as such, is making it worse and you’re right, it is emotionally draining me.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 04/02/2021 08:28

Even if you really loved them AND they were thoroughly committed to getting help it would be hard but the lack of willingness to address it is what makes it untenable. Do they realise or acknowledge the impact it has on you or are they too self focused to get that you are also suffering?

MakeMineALarge1 · 04/02/2021 08:34

Why don't you tell them to piss off?
Why indulge their feelings and feed their anxieties?
Tell them to grow up.

GreenlandTheMovie · 04/02/2021 08:34

I 9nce had a boyfriend like this (I didn't live with him). Although he was in his early thirties and extremely fit and healthy (he was a runner, there was constantly something wrong with him. Usually he couldn't do things because he had a "cold". Sometimes he had a "sore leg". A cold, seriously! I sort of got sucked into him being "sensitive and shy" when in actual fact he was controlling me and chipping away at my boundaries and "teaching" me to put up with his behaviour.

Be careful, because although it might be genuine health anxiety, it's also common behaviour in narcissists as it gets them attention and means the world revolves, around them.

Original poster
Icantthinkofausername1 · 04/02/2021 08:40

Sorry I don’t know how to reply to people individually 🤦🏻‍♀️...but anothermother - I think they know what it does but they are so obsessed with feeling ill, that nothing else matters because everyone should be as worried as they are and that’s the top priority.
There’s an element of shame I think as well is why help won’t be sought.
The thing is DP is up every morning for work, it doesn’t stop “normal life” as such, it’s just the whole day is about them not feeling very well and I find myself all day talking about an illness. Sorry I’m not explaining myself very well.
I feel so bad for DP, I can see the sheer worry every day that something is not right.
It must be a terrible thing to live with

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantthinkofausername1 · 04/02/2021 08:43

OMG Greeland, I could have written your post!!
That feels exactly the same. The fitness, the colds, all of it. I never even looked at it in that other light.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantthinkofausername1 · 04/02/2021 08:46

Makeminealarge1 - I think I might make mine a large one tonight and just bloody well do that.

You guys are great, thank you so much.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/02/2021 08:46

I knew somw9ne like that, though in her case it was less anxiety and more a demand for attention. She went to the doctors numerous times and managed to get various tests done, but there was never anything wrong.

The worst was her deciding she had the same very rare and inoperable tumour a friend had and consulting her about it. Needless to say we are no longer friends.

violetbunny · 04/02/2021 08:50

Yes, it sounds like it's fundamentally attention seeking behaviour.
What do you actually get out of this relationship?

converseandjeans · 04/02/2021 08:55

YANBU and I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone like that.

Do you have children/house together etc?

Wolfiefan · 04/02/2021 09:01

Health anxiety isn’t something you need to grow up from @MakeMineALarge1. What a horrid response. And so ignorant.
@violetbunny neither is true health anxiety an attention seeking behaviour.
It’s a debilitating and awful condition for those who have it.
But. This is someone refusing to seek help. That’s putting an intolerable strain on those around them. You can’t fix this OP. You can only get yourself out of this.
Little wonder some people don’t feel they can seek help when have to fear they may be told they are simply attention seeking or to grow up. Hmm

Original poster
Icantthinkofausername1 · 04/02/2021 09:02

To be honest it was well hidden at the beginning so didn’t see the signs.
No children, no house, I live on my own.
We actually do have a really nice time together beyond this. We get on well, go for nice weekends away (when we could), he’s very generous. If I needed a pound and he had his last pound there would be no question of me having it metaphorically speaking. He’s really funny and on a good day, we laugh all day.
This is why I’m grappling in my head - is it real? Or is it attention/control?

OP posts:
DayBath · 04/02/2021 09:24

I think if it's attention seeking then it would come out in therapy. If its genuine health anxiety then therapy would help, so the only way to know is to seek treatment.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, I always believe we should try and support our partners through mental illness BUT the fact that he is refusing to seek help would be the final straw. Refusing to engage in treatment would be the end of it for me.

DayBath · 04/02/2021 09:25

Perhaps you need to give him an ultimatum, he might start therapy if he realises how badly this is risking the relationship?

converseandjeans · 04/02/2021 09:32

icanthink that's easier in some ways. Maybe you need to be clear it's too much. I think I would find it draining. Always trying to reassure someone.

GreenlandTheMovie · 04/02/2021 09:38

@Icantthinkofausername1

OMG Greeland, I could have written your post!! That feels exactly the same. The fitness, the colds, all of it. I never even looked at it in that other light. Thank you.
My ex gave up work because he couldn't cope with that either. He inherited money so is OK financially if he lives frugally, but he wouldn't actually go outside for days at a time (the running reduced because he developed some mysterious leg problem that would come and go but wouldn't seek out a diagnosis or treatment). He became obsessive about his diet and calorie intake.

He then gave up me (he couldn't cope with a girlfriend) but stupidly I took him back and he then cheated on me because he "couldn't cope with relationships". He is 40 now. Doesn't have depression but has been diagnosed with a severe, untreatable, personality disorder. He has a succession of girlfriends for a few months at a time during which period he is a perfect boyfriend, before suddenly dumping them. (I'm friends with a recent ex). Some of those times he had colds, he was at salsa dancing with other women!

Basically, it all makes sense if you understand it from the perspective that it's all about him. Everything is about making him look good, or avoiding making him look bad. Only cares about other people for show, when it makes him look good.

He's a very extreme case and it seems to be progressive! It's a shame because he used to be very good looking but now he's very skinny and also comes across as a little bit sleazy and try-too-hard.

Hopefully your one just has health anxiety treatable with therapy!

Sonders · 04/02/2021 09:38

Have you discussed the possibility of them getting professional help for this, and expressed just how much it is negatively impacting on your life and relationship?

If the good times are as good as you say, it seems like it's worth giving them the time to try and get the anxiety/obsession under control.

If they refuse, or have tried to no avail, you totally deserve to be free from this emotional weight!

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 04/02/2021 09:45

God no, I'd be long gone OP. Sounds completely unbearable. I don't have any time for it to be honest. My mum had "health anxiety" and its horrendous to grow up with. The number of supposed heart attacks, blot clots etc she has survived must make her a medical miracle.

Baileysforchristmas · 04/02/2021 09:49

This will only get worse, I would finish it now, what a drain on you. It can be a form of control. I feel sorry for anyone has health anxiety but I personally couldn’t live with someone like that as it makes it all about them all the time.