Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should he pay maintenance?

46 replies

Firevixen · 03/02/2021 16:49

I have two children DD is 14 and DS is 11. Up until about 6 months ago my ex and I had a 50/50 residency agreement for both children. This is not court ordered, it was agreed between the two of us. Because we both had the children for equal amounts of time, neither of us paid child maintenance, and the child benefit goes to me, as I have a council house and it helps to determine how many bedrooms I was entitled to.

About 6 months ago DD decided she wanted to live with me full time, as she was clashing a lot with her father, and she would regularly walk round to my house after having a row with him.

Ex was happy for the new arrangement to go ahead, so that is what we agreed on. Since then DD has stayed at his house for only 1 night.

As this new arrangement is working well and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon, I have been thinking about asking him to pay maintenance to me for DD. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for this, considering child benefit has always been paid to me?

For full disclosure, the 50/50 arrangement started around 3 years ago. Previous to this I was the resident parent and he had the children 1-2 nights a week and paid maintenance to reflect this.

OP posts:

oldyellerbeller · 03/02/2021 16:52

YABU. You’re already ‘ahead’ by getting the CB. Plus it was your daughter’s choice to stay with you full time, it’s not like he asked for it

shitinmyhandsandclap · 03/02/2021 16:54

I think yes he should pay maintenance, they're his kids

sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/02/2021 16:54

Technically I think he should be paying you something, but as you're already getting child benefit for both despite DS being with his dad 50/50, I would be inclined to leave it unless it would make a significant difference to your finances.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/02/2021 16:55

Doesn't matter who's choice it was. Of course he should pay maintenance.

MissMarpleDarling · 03/02/2021 17:31

Agree YABU as you owe him half the child benefit for all that time. Once you paid him back then I'd think about maintenance.

strawberrypip · 03/02/2021 17:35

I think you are setting yourself up for him asking for half of the child benefits if you ask him for maintenance.

Wannakisstheteacher · 03/02/2021 17:48

It’s a bit of a piss take to keep all the CB for 3 years and then immediately ask for maintenance.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 03/02/2021 17:51

Of course he should pay maintenance if one child doesn’t live with him and lives with you. Just like if she lived with him and not you then you should pay CMS to him.

Theunamedcat · 03/02/2021 17:52

Child benefit goes to the resident parent you do not need to fucking share it 🙄

Who earns more you or him? Could you ask him for a small amount to cover your increased costs as she is living full time?

Has he made any efforts to make peace with her?

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2021 17:57

Child maintenance does not depend on who earns most nor does child benefit have to be shared
The fact is one child is 50:50 still and one isn't so he should pay maintenance for the child that no longer is under the 50:50 arrangement, USe the CMS calculator to work out what that may be and then have a chat with him about it. Hopefully he will do so on voluntary basis but if not you can always apply to CMS.

GarlicMonkey · 03/02/2021 17:57

Yes, he should. You say he had them 50/50, but I'm guessing he didn't do much of the 'wife work' (taking to appointments, being the default contact for school, caring for them when ill on a work day etc) or have his career progression affected by pregnancy or child rearing? Unless you weren't subject to any of that (& I don't know a mother who hasn't been) then you have always been the resident parent & entitled you to the CHB. You now need to contact the CMS & ask them to calculate maintenance. You should not be solely financially responsible for 50% of the joint children.

Roastednotsalt · 03/02/2021 17:58

Child benefit isn’t anything to do with a council house and how many bedrooms you have OP. Unless it’s changed but I don’t know about this.

When you say he had an equal agreement on 50/50 who paid for clothes, activities and so on? Is this been split down the middle?

I can’t believe people are saying you should have to give him the CB for the first child it’s only around £80 a month and less for your 2nd child.

Roastednotsalt · 03/02/2021 18:01

@MissMarpleDarling

Agree YABU as you owe him half the child benefit for all that time. Once you paid him back then I'd think about maintenance.

3 years? What about OPs working life before this we don’t know weather she worked while the kids were younger or maybe she could only do part time. CB does not compensate for how a mothers work balance is uprooted compared to a mans! £80 pound doesn’t even cut it.

SpaceRaiders · 03/02/2021 18:26

Op you’re “getting ahead” on £35 per week, you should be throughly ashamed of yourself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2021 18:32

Yes if course he should.

It’s not about choice. It’s been decided that the best thing for Dd is to live with you full time. That’s what you go by - what’s best for the kids. However that decision came about, the one with less caring time pays maintenance.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 18:36

@oldyellerbeller

YABU. You’re already ‘ahead’ by getting the CB. Plus it was your daughter’s choice to stay with you full time, it’s not like he asked for it

So if the children don't do as Daddy says he doesn't have to pay for them??

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 18:38

@Roastednotsalt

Child benefit isn’t anything to do with a council house and how many bedrooms you have OP. Unless it’s changed but I don’t know about this.

When you say he had an equal agreement on 50/50 who paid for clothes, activities and so on? Is this been split down the middle?

I can’t believe people are saying you should have to give him the CB for the first child it’s only around £80 a month and less for your 2nd child.

Housing will want proof she needs a three bedroom house, which will be CB. If ex claims CB he's seen to be the primary carer even with 50/50 and as such she doesn't have a right to a 3 bed. So yes, certainly when she was signing up, she needed to be in reciept of it. If op and ex were both registered, only one would get the 3 bed.

rwalker · 03/02/2021 18:46

Just ask have you discuss how she's settled and take it from there .

Original poster

Firevixen · 03/02/2021 22:12

Thank you for all of your input, I really do appreciate it. I haven't broached the subject with Ex yet as he has a way of talking me round and making me feel like I'm being completely unreasonable about things, and tbh I wasn't sure if I was. I felt it would be a good idea to get a general consensus first.

I did not want to put details of each of our incomes because I dont think it's really fair to judge based on that. It shouldnt be about one being far better off than the other, but rather what is equal and fair(and I say that as someone who is currently unemployed and gave up my career to be a stay at home mum when we were a couple).

My DD is 14 and is growing out of clothes every couple of months, and eating my cupboards bare, so I think he should contribute really. I dont know how much he currently earns so cannot do an online calculator, and I'm hesitant to go straight to CMS without at least trying to discuss it with him first.

So far there seems to be quite a mixed response from you all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Firevixen · 03/02/2021 22:15

Oh, and in reply to a pp who asked which of us paid for extra clothes, clubs, trips etc when we had 50/50 care, it was me. I paid for the extras with the child benefit. Although, tbh it didn't really cover everything because things like uniform are ridiculously expensive. In that respect he had a much better deal, even though I claimed the CB.

OP posts:

TheyIsMyFamily · 03/02/2021 22:22

Of course you should ask for maintenance.

DillyDilly · 03/02/2021 22:25

Would he try and persuade your DS to live with him full time if you approach him about maintenance for your DD?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 03/02/2021 22:28

@oldyellerbeller

YABU. You’re already ‘ahead’ by getting the CB. Plus it was your daughter’s choice to stay with you full time, it’s not like he asked for it

This is such a nonsensical comment. Child maintenance is literally to pay for the costs of having the child - the food, clothes, bills etc. Whether or not he chose it or not is irrelevant. OP is still paying for the entire cost of raising DD which isn't fair.

oldyellerbeller · 03/02/2021 22:44

yes and when he had both kids 50% of the time, he wasn’t getting any of the CB even though he was spending equal time and presumably money on them

DelphiniumBlue · 03/02/2021 22:58

50:50 care doesn't necessarily result in no maintenance, it depends on the earnings/income of both parents and the needs of a child - if for example, one parent lived in a large, mortgage free house and had a very well paid job, and the other was paying rent and on a much lower income, it would be reasonable for the higher earner to be paying some maintenance so that the child had a reasonable standard of living in both homes.
In this case, it's not 50:50 residency now, it's much less, so on the face of it, yes, the child's other parent should be contributing more towards their living costs.
Unless you are earning lots more than your ex, of course he should pay towards his daughter's costs. The fact that she doesn't want to live with him doesn't affect his responsibilities.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread