Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should he pay maintenance?

46 replies

Firevixen · 03/02/2021 16:49

I have two children DD is 14 and DS is 11. Up until about 6 months ago my ex and I had a 50/50 residency agreement for both children. This is not court ordered, it was agreed between the two of us. Because we both had the children for equal amounts of time, neither of us paid child maintenance, and the child benefit goes to me, as I have a council house and it helps to determine how many bedrooms I was entitled to.

About 6 months ago DD decided she wanted to live with me full time, as she was clashing a lot with her father, and she would regularly walk round to my house after having a row with him.

Ex was happy for the new arrangement to go ahead, so that is what we agreed on. Since then DD has stayed at his house for only 1 night.

As this new arrangement is working well and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon, I have been thinking about asking him to pay maintenance to me for DD. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for this, considering child benefit has always been paid to me?

For full disclosure, the 50/50 arrangement started around 3 years ago. Previous to this I was the resident parent and he had the children 1-2 nights a week and paid maintenance to reflect this.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 03/02/2021 23:05

My thought is that yes, he should pay maintenance. But be prepared that if your DD suddenly decides she no longer wants to live with you and move to her fathers, you would then have to pay maintenance to him - and possibly lose your family allowance for her as he would be the resident parent.
The issue shouldn’t really be about money, it should be about what has happened to make her not want to stay with her father. Is she just pushing against his boundaries or is it more?

JesusAteMyHamster · 03/02/2021 23:09

Yabu.

You're also benefitting from subsidised rent as well as having the CB for all this time. So long as he pays his way regarding clothes and school stuff etc I don't think he should pay anything.

RB68 · 03/02/2021 23:15

Perfectly reasonable for a request for maintenance whoevers choice it was to stay at Mums - he no longer has the costs and she does. I would approach it in a friendly way and ask him for a contribtion as you are bearing all the costs of clothing provision etc - I suspect the CB has been used for childrens needs anyway if no maintenance between you as you seem to be the RP ie the one they revert to rather than visit even if it was 50/50

Tavannach · 03/02/2021 23:20

He should pay maintenance and you should help facilitate a better relationship between your DD and her father.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/02/2021 23:21

@Tavannach

He should pay maintenance and you should help facilitate a better relationship between your DD and her father.

I'd say that was his job actually!

Original poster

Firevixen · 04/02/2021 08:09

@JesusAteMyHamster he doesn't pay any school related costs(uniforms, shoes, trips etc) I pay for those out of the child benefit.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 04/02/2021 08:18

He should pay maintenance, but I think you need to offset it to a degree on account of you keeping all the child benefit in the past whilst 50:50 care.

Watchingbehindmyhands · 04/02/2021 08:25

Plus it was your daughter’s choice to stay with you full time

Yes, I forgot. Children who make a choice to live with one parent over the other no longer need any kind of financial support

Watchingbehindmyhands · 04/02/2021 08:26

you should help facilitate a better relationship between your DD and her father

Dad is an adult. He is responsible for his relationship with his DD. No one else.

Breastfeedingworries · 04/02/2021 08:29

You do not have to share child benefit, or the universal credits, it reflects general cost for the resident parent plus lots of mums can’t work with young children ect because they can’t pay for childcare.

I think he should just pay maintence for dd, go on the Calculator, but not pay for ds

ArnoldBee · 04/02/2021 08:38

Why don't you suggest he has the chb for his son?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2021 09:28

@ArnoldBee

Why don't you suggest he has the chb for his son?

Because that money gets spent on the children's school uniforms, school costs etc which only op buys. She isn't living off the CB and spending it on caviar, it goes directly on what should be shared costs.

Op I think you should ask for him to contribute to DD given that she's living with you full time. Do the calculator

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/02/2021 11:00

Do the maths.how much is the child benefit you have had, how much is the maintenance he would pay for DD. He doesn't pay until you are even on the CB.

Do you get any other benefits that are based on you being the resident parent? Housing benefit, child tax credit elements?

I'd be careful of swapping one income for another. Technically you & your DH should each claim the CB for one child, which would probably lose you some income from universal credit.

willowmelangell · 04/02/2021 11:48

Gosh this is tricky.

Would he maybe pay her pocket money? That would free up some of your income.
When school starts, you could say that cb covers meals and some bills or uniform but not both. Or keep uniform/shoe receipts and just ask for half.
You have nothing to lose by asking. Even though you shouldn't have to.
Fingers crossed for you op.

mootymoo · 04/02/2021 11:54

I'm kind of inclined towards not, but I would not have accepted my dd in your position refusing to go to her fathers, I make my dd ring hers (lockdown preventing travel as she's over 18) and if she was under 28 I would insist she goes for at least a few days a month. My exh had automatically offered me money because I'm stuck with dd (should be at university) but didn't accept as it's not his fault

Dogscanteatonions · 04/02/2021 12:04

Honestly I can't believe some comments child benefit is £80 odd quid a month and OP has already stated she was the one who bought all the uniform, paid for school trips etc.

Yes he of course he should pay maintenance for her. What the OP might get from universal credit and benefiting from cheaper housing costs because she has a council house has bugger all to do with if and how much child maintenance he should pay.

OP it might be possible to get a rough idea of how much he earns if you know the company he works for and kind of job he does by looking on Glassdoor or googling. Then you could do a rough calculation at least

mrsm43s · 04/02/2021 12:17

He obviously still needs to support his DD in some way. If you have a good co-parenting relationship, I'd suggest you have a chat with him about sharing/paying for some of your DDs direct costs (phone/pocket money/holidays/school trips/whatever is appropriate) rather than paying you maintenance per se. It'll likely to down better and keep things amicable. He's been very reasonable in forgoing his claim to 1x the child benefit (and any associated tax credits etc) which he absolutely could have claimed with 50:50 care, so why not be reasonable back. It's in everyone's interests to keep things amicable.

Squarepigeon · 04/02/2021 12:22

If a child lives with you for the majority of the time, the other parent should be paying maintenance for them. It’s that simple. It’s the non resident parent’s contribution to their upkeep.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2021 12:22

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Do the maths.how much is the child benefit you have had, how much is the maintenance he would pay for DD. He doesn't pay until you are even on the CB.

Do you get any other benefits that are based on you being the resident parent? Housing benefit, child tax credit elements?

I'd be careful of swapping one income for another. Technically you & your DH should each claim the CB for one child, which would probably lose you some income from universal credit.

You realise he contributed nothing to uniforms, school trips etc even though it's literally HUNDREDS per child each year?

BillMasen · 04/02/2021 12:53

I think yes he probably should. I know,however, if I were in his position I’d already be upset about one of my kids moving out, and then paying for that as well must feel like a kick in the teeth.

I think you having had the child benefit but used that on the kids is fair. You’ve not been “up”, but neither has he skimped.

2020iscancelled · 04/02/2021 13:16

If she is no longer staying at his then yes he should technically pay maintenance.

I think in your position I might wait a little while just to let the dust settle then raise the subject.
Just to keep relations amicable.

Also your DD may change her mind and decide she’s happy to go back there the odd night a week.

If you’re not absolutely desperate for it then I’d probably sit on it for a couple weeks / month then raise it as “DD doesn’t seem like she’s going to change her mind so we need to think about costs because I’m now paying for a lot more etc etc”

You of course don’t have to wait, it’s just what I would probably do in the same situation

Flip

1 2