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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annual leave to attend funeral. AIBU?

57 replies

hillarypcof · 03/02/2021 11:49

It is my aunty's funeral tomorrow, and I have always had the day booked off as annual leave. My line manager is aware that I am attending a funeral.

AIBU to request this is compassionate leave and not my own annual leave?

I understand the policies include "immediate family", but I feel slight resentment in the fact that my colleague (we are a team of 3, 1 line manager, myself and my colleague) has had almost 5 weeks off as "special leave", fully paid, for an array of spurious excuses. These include having to cook a birthday cake for her son's birthday, attending house-viewings and attending to her horse in a local horse field. Seriously..

It is with these in mind that I feel a bit miffed to be using annual leave to attend my aunty's funeral.

Do you think I could request compassionate leave without sounding unreasonable to my line manager?

Thanks x

OP posts:

LemonadeFromLemons · 03/02/2021 12:50

I would say usually she wouldn’t be included as an immediate family member so no compassionate leave. However, I once had a colleague who had compassionate leave for their friend’s dad’s funeral... 🙄

PurpleMustang · 03/02/2021 12:51

It probably would be a no but you will only know if you ask. And if you resent the time you colleague has had off ask and use it as a way of saying 'you said no to me but xxxx had blah blah off, how is that different?

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 03/02/2021 12:53

I asked for a day off from my husbands grandmothers funeral but was refused as not immediate family. She was a grand mother to me and i even lived with her for a while. I took it as unpaid leave as my way of a silent protest.

I do think companies are very harsh when it comes to compassionate leave and it only being for parents, spouse, siblings or children. What happens if someone was raised by a grandparent or other relative. I think everyone should be allowed 1 or 2 days per year (if needed) for funerals without having to use leave or take it as unpaid. Obviously we all hope we don't have to use those days but a little compassion when it comes to compassionate leave is needed.

Fifthtimelucky · 03/02/2021 13:00

I think there is a difference between being able to take the day off work to attend a funeral of a more distant relative (which is absolutely reasonable) and expecting the day off as compassionate leave (which isn't, unless the employer's policy says so).

I have never been refused time off for any funeral I have ever wanted to attend, but I only had compassionate leave for my parents' funerals. I used annual/flexi leave for all the rest.

lyralalala · 03/02/2021 13:37

Only you know your company and manager and how likely it would be to be given.

The place I worked when my Nana died only allowed paid annual leave for parents, child, spouse or sibling. I had to take unpaid leave for Nana’s funeral even though my GP’s brought me up from the age of 7. DH’s company gave him paid compassionate leave as they work on closeness.

ZenNudist · 03/02/2021 13:40

Not compassionate leave at my work.

Colleague is not relevant

ChablisandCrisps · 03/02/2021 13:44

I imagine you don't know the details of your colleagues absences and rightly so. Absolutely none of your business.

I'm sorry about your aunty but like everyone else my employer would not allow compassionate leave for non-immediate family. You only get 3 days for the death of a child or parent

AnnaSW1 · 03/02/2021 13:44

I think you need to just take annual leave to be honest.

SurvivalIsInsufficient · 03/02/2021 13:47

Colleague is not relevant

Of course its relevant. If one employee is (actually, seriously) being given paid days off to bake cakes and mind horses, another employee can't be made to take annual leave for a close family members funeral.

ForTheLoveOfWine · 03/02/2021 13:54

Where I work it’s managers discretion.
You can only ask because to be honest it completely depends on your manager/ company policy. Or ask to take unpaid leave if you don’t want to use holiday?

Lemonyfuckit · 03/02/2021 13:56

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm going to go against the grain here and say no harm in asking. It may be defined in your firm's leave policy. I have twice taken a day's compassionate leave for the funeral of an auntie/uncle and that was fine at my firm at the time as the policy didn't differentiate between level of closeness for up to three days per year. If you were needing to take a longer period of compassionate leave - ie not just a day to attend a funeral but because you needed time to grieve, that was defined as close relative and then there would have been discretionary leave as well depending on circumstances.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 03/02/2021 13:56

Sorry for your loss but anywhere I have worked it would not have counted as direct family. Also technically they could say the funeral is only an hour not for the whole day as well. Do you have lieu time you could use? Or make up the time on another day?

DappledThings · 03/02/2021 14:02

Our policy says it is at manager's discretion. I have previously given compassionate leave for the funerals of family members not in the official list where it is clear that the person had a significant relationship with them.

A friend of mine was raised by her grandparents with caring responsibilities for them and was given a few days when each died, again at her manager's discretion.

But this would be entirely an individual decision, reasons that other people have been given compassionate leave don't make it a tit for tat. And I don't believe for a second anyone got compassionate leave to make a cake.

LApprentiSorcier · 03/02/2021 14:09

I'm sorry for your loss .

Will you need the whole day for the funeral? I ask because with Covid funerals are normally just the part at the crematorium/church, rather than there being an after-funeral gathering. I realise you may have to travel or may feel you need time to compose yourself afterwards, but if it would be an option to request a morning or afternoon only, you might have more chance of getting this as compassionate leave rather than annual leave.

TillyTopper · 03/02/2021 14:15

I'm sorry for the loss of your aunty. At my company (large corporate) we'd use annual leave unless it was spouse, child or parents. You can try asking if you can have compassionate leave, but be careful how you phrase it so you don't seem grabby and accept the decision given (even if you feel it's not fair). Your colleague's apparent abuse of the system should colour your employer's view of you.

mootymoo · 03/02/2021 14:19

I took annual leave for my aunts funeral, uncles was on a day I wasn't scheduled to work thankfully. Current employer did give me a couple of days off for h's grandmother but exceptional circumstances as I was her carer.

Annabell80 · 03/02/2021 14:21

You might get it. It's classed as compassionate leave where I work.

VaggieMight · 03/02/2021 14:23

I was given compassionate leave when a family friend died. I was offered compassionate leave, but didn't take it, when family members were in a car accident. A colleague was given compassionate leave when their family pet died.

It's down to your employer, ask them.

Sargass0 · 03/02/2021 14:29

Why are you miffed when you haven't even bloody asked?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 03/02/2021 14:30

Wouldn't be policy in my workplace but as a manager, I would have the discretion to grant it.
I also think there must be reasons why your colleague is having so much time, other than those you have mentioned.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2021 14:31

It would be annual leave at my work for an auntie.

The situation with your colleague sounds bizarre. I imagine you haven’t got quite the right info there.

Coffeeandaride · 03/02/2021 14:37

Sorry for your loss. We’d have annual leave (if could get it), however I’ve never heard of paid special leave for cake baking. There is unpaid leave as an option here too.

Cam2020 · 03/02/2021 14:43

Compassionate leave is tricky isn't it? It assumes a heircharchy of biological realtionships that might not correlate with feelings or emotional realtionships, but companies have to draw the line somewhere. It must be annoying that other colleagues appear to be getting time off for what seems to be spurious, reasons but you don't really know those reasons for sure - people are not always truthful about what's going on in the lives.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 03/02/2021 15:09

@Sargass0

Why are you miffed when you haven't even bloody asked?

Couldn't you have found a kinder way to ask this?

Tarantallegra · 03/02/2021 15:12

Just ask, policy or not the worst that will happen is they may say no and that's no loss as you'll be in the exact same situation you are in now. Don't ever be worried about asking for something you may not get or you'll never get it.

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