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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks i maybe autistic

48 replies

Rizzoli123 · 03/02/2021 01:35

My husband thinks i maybe autistic. I have done a few online surveys and they say mild form. I do have dyslexia. Is there anyway to get an adult assessment that isnt school based?

Am i unreasonable for wanting an assessment at 35?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2021 01:41

If you think you need a better understanding of yourself and/or your behaviours, I think an assessment is a great idea.

oddworld · 03/02/2021 11:19

Which surveys have you done? Try the AQ test here. It's well regarded, and NICE guidelines suggest GPs use the shortened version (AQ10) before deciding whether a full assessment is needed.

You're perfectly reasonable to want assessment. I'm waiting for one in my 50s. I want definite info about why I am like I am. Be prepared for a long wait on the NHS (2-3 years where I live). Go to your GP and ask to be referred, but some GPs are more knowledgeable than others. It's worth printing out the AQ test, looking at things like the NHS website and NICE guidelines and making some notes. Be prepared to explain why you think you need to be assessed by referring to symptoms, difficulties you have, and the guidelines GP should be following.

Godimabitch · 03/02/2021 11:25

If you think its affecting your life then you go the gp with all the reasons you think you are and they refer you to an autism assessment place near you who assess you. It's quite hard work and there's no practical benefit. The benefit is that you understand why you're struggling so much and it's a weight off your mind. You dont seem too fussed though so you might be better just accepting you might be and looking into ways autisitics help deal with the problems you may have.

What is it about you that makes your husband think you're autistic?

Crazzzycat · 03/02/2021 11:33

If you live in Wales, there is an integrated autism service and you can self-refer. They also offer longer term support, courses etc if you’ve been diagnosed.

There can be benefits to getting a diagnosis. My DH got a diagnosis a few years ago and it’s completely changed how he thinks about himself and other people. He’s also had support put in place at work that wasn’t there before. So it can definitely be worth getting a diagnosis as an adult

Original poster
Rizzoli123 · 03/02/2021 12:53

Thank you

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2021 12:56

I obviously don’t know you to say one way or another.

My EA ex used to constantly say he thought I was autistic - it was a form of gaslighting and I even went as far as seeing the GP about it. GP was very certain I didn’t need an assessment- I know they can be wrong on this - but 3 years post divorce I’m pretty sure I’m autistic.

The thing was he used “you’re autistic” as a way to undermine me and dismiss my needs / wants, rather than as a good person would use it as a reason to be more understanding and accommodate my perceived needs.

So just to warn you, it can be something used by an EA partner to

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2021 12:56

Sorry - I’m pretty sure I’m not autistic

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2021 12:57

Or don’t have autism I should say

TheVanguardSix · 03/02/2021 12:58

What do you think, OP? What are your own thoughts on this?

littlemissdirectional · 03/02/2021 13:04

A few of things, Dyslexia and ASD are quite often diagnosed together. Online assessment tools vary widely in accuracy, so I wouldn't put to much emphasis on such results. However, if you feel you would benefit from an assessment then absolutely pursue it.

One final thing, you can't have "mild" autism. You either have ASD or you don't, even the notion of Aspergers and "high functioning" have been dropped as diagnoses.

AquarianOwl · 03/02/2021 13:11

I've just done that AQ test linked and I got 36, with an AQ score of 9 which seems to be really high. I'm 25 and even I feel too old to be taken seriously and don't know if it's worth trying to get a GP to listen to me on it. But for me, it's always been glaringly obvious that I'm likely autistic and my partner agrees (clearly my parents just didn't pay enough attention to me to get my diagnosed as a child 🙄).

When I was first thinking about it, I read a lot of info; a little bit of medical type pages but mainly personal experiences of women diagnosed, that's really how it became clear for me and I found that a good way of figuring things out, so I suggest you do the same, and think about your behaviours, feelings, way your brain works, etc. really honestly and critically, and if you think it's worth it, see a GP. I just don't have much faith in GPs so not sure it's worth it for me right now.

PicaK · 03/02/2021 13:12

Read round some of the stuff about how autism presents in females.
If it rings so true that it makes you want to cry with relief and understanding then it's a good indicator tbh
You can ask your GP to start the assessment ball rolling. Massive waiting list. Took me 3 years I think.
Why did I bother in my 40s. Mostly for validation. So I could say to my son I have that too. And promote autism awareness. (You know home people roll their eyes at those who self disgnose conditions - I didn't want that)
I don't think you'll get any other benefit from diagnosis. You can take the tips about stuff and start applying them now. You may find them life changing and confidence boosting.
If none of the above is making sense to you then I would question your DH's motives here

LucilleTheVampireBat · 03/02/2021 13:19

Why is he saying this OP?

Have you a good relationship?

Is he saying this as a form of insult?

purplebagladylovesgin · 03/02/2021 13:22

@oddworld I've just completed the test you pasted and in scoring yellow to seek further assessment.

I didn't think I was at all but I have two children who are. Maybe the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Terfterf · 03/02/2021 13:30

Different condition, but my friend was diagnosed bipolar in his 40s. Always knew he was depressed but none of the meds ever really helped. The diagnosis has been life-changing, not just because he's now on proper meds. It's changed his working life because he feels brave enough to be able to ask his employer to make the "accommodations" necessary for him to better do his job, and because it is classed as a disability, he has legal employment protection. He has given talks to his colleagues about the condition, which has prompted others to also disclose their diagnosis and thus receive better understanding. The whole thing has been massively positive.
(I know not all workplaces would be so great but to my mind it would be a good reason to get a diagnosis)

BrumBoo · 03/02/2021 13:46

Agree with others, ultimately it's about how you feel. I think my husband has undiagnosed autism, it's certainly not out of being 'mean'. He used to really frustrate me, him not understanding what seemed like basic common sense things (to me!), having ridiculous reactions to loud sounds and food textures he wasn't used to. It took my older child basically turning out to be a clone of him (and being flagged quite early as possibly ASD) for me to realise that it was probably a familial link.

I'd never force my husband to be assessed, though would fully support him if he chose to. We've had long discussions about it, and we do have to find a balance in life as he has little insight into his 'different' behaviour.

If you feel like it would help you in life, then get assessed. It may not be the case regardless.

oddworld · 03/02/2021 13:49

purplebagladylovesgin that is how it was for me. One of my dcs has autism. I hadn't even thought about it before, although I have always felt I didn't fit in, and been treated for depression and anxiety. As soon as I read about adults with autism, I thought "that's me". Even more so when I read about women with autism. It does tend to run in families.

AquarianOwl please don't think you're too old! Like I said, I'm in my 50s. The more I read, it seems like so many women fall through the net in childhood. You're still really young anyway, but your GP shouldn't think it's at all odd.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing that's really awful that someone would use autism as a way of gaslighting. I hope you are ok now.

Original poster
Rizzoli123 · 03/02/2021 13:56

@LucilleTheVampireBat

Why is he saying this OP?

Have you a good relationship?

Is he saying this as a form of insult?

No just as i seem to exhibit some of the common traits
OP posts:
Original poster
Rizzoli123 · 03/02/2021 14:12

No familiar traits
Dad has vascular dementia mum had MS.

Im 34.
Two boys not on spectrum

OP posts:
Original poster
Rizzoli123 · 03/02/2021 14:12

I just took test and i got 6.0

OP posts:
mootymoo · 03/02/2021 14:14

What do you want to gain from an assessment? Do you want the nhs to fund it because it would be nice to know or because you are struggling with your life?

My dd is autistic and it was obvious from just a few weeks old she was different with the benefit of hindsight. The diagnosis has been useful to deal with adaptive lesson plans and alternative assessment at university but in day to day life is not relevant, it doesn't entitle you to benefits, and though good employers may offer specific support, most are likely to run a mile if you declare it!

If you want a private diagnosis for curiosity, fair enough, but I have heard that many private clinics give people the diagnosis they have come looking for, no proof but it's what my DD's psychiatrist told me (perhaps though a grudge against colleagues doing more lucrative but easier work than him as an nhs dr)

smoothchange · 03/02/2021 14:18

I'm in Scotland and my local health board doesn't do adult autism assessment unless you are in education or already 'in the system' - with mental health issues it's really common for adults, particularly women to be misdiagnosed so they can be assessed if the service thinks it is needed.

There are some good private places about but you have to do your research first.

Also, most importantly, what would you expect to get out of a diagnosis?

Comefromaway · 03/02/2021 14:34

I just did that test out of interest. I got a score of 31 with AQ score of 7. I have two children with autism so who knows.

YouWontBelieveYourEyes · 03/02/2021 14:41

What makes him think that? It’s not unusual to have traits, but it doesn’t mean a person is on the spectrum.

81Byerley · 03/02/2021 14:49

My daughter was recently assessed and confirmed as autistic, in her 40s. The diagnosis has helped her accept what she calls her "weirdness"...though most of us didn't see her that way.