Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can anyone ever change their spending habits?

38 replies

Purplependant222 · 02/02/2021 22:50

My DP (together three years and lived together for a year - he regularly talks about marriage and trying for a baby) is in ridiculous amount of debt. I shouldn’t know about it but after a few red flags and him completely denying, I went digging.

His spending habits are ridiculous, this month he’s taken out three new unnecessary subscriptions, and he never seems to learn from his mistakes.

I do love him but I since I’ve found out how much debt he’s in, and that he doesn’t seem to be doing much about it, I can’t seem to look at him.

I’m not sure what I’m asking apart from is there light at the end of the tunnel?

OP posts:
coronafiona · 02/02/2021 22:56

IME- no. Sorry. Make sure you are protected.

IDKNABYBIF22 · 02/02/2021 23:06

How much debt are we talking?

For me, it would be a deal breaker if they weren't willing to do anything about it. One of my friends parents had a similiar situation years ago when we were at school; his dad racked up a lot of debt without his wife knowing. In the end they stayed together on the condition that she had financial control; his wages were paid into her account and she gave him weekly 'pocket money' in cash to spend as he liked, he also had to give up all of his debit/credit cards so the pocket money was all he had. I remember him telling me about it a few years ago when he was drunk in the pub, saying it was for the best and would be like this forever as he "couldn't be trusted with money, I spend it like water". Some people would probably say she is financially abusive, but it works for them (and I don't envy her, must be tiring not to be able to trust your husband with money).

IDKNABYBIF22 · 02/02/2021 23:07

And have you spoken to him about it? Does he know that you know now?

Original poster
Purplependant222 · 03/02/2021 09:24

@IDKNABYBIF22

His debt is around the same as his yearly salary.

Apart from his car and the loan he took out for a family member there’s nothing to show for any of it. Some of these loans have been taken out while we’ve been together - I also don’t get why as there’s nothing to show for it.

Any time I mention his debts he completely down plays them (he thinks I think he’s got half the amount of debt he’s letting on). He quite often says about us taking a nice holiday in September as that’s when he’ll be above water again etc (not even close!)

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 03/02/2021 09:27

His debt is around the same as his yearly salary

Wow. That’s insane. I don’t think I could contemplate a future with him, that kind of debt would worry me sick.

icanboogieboogiewoogie · 03/02/2021 09:29

I used to spend too much money on crap, and got into quite a mess with debt when I was younger, but I grew up, paid stuff off and now don't buy anything I can't afford. I have a credit card (they let me have one again!) but it's set up to take the full payment every month so I've never had to pay interest on it, and keep my spending tightly controlled. So yes, people's spending can change. You have to want it to, though, which I suppose is the problem.

Highfalutinlootin · 03/02/2021 09:29

Of course people can change their spending habits. But that's not the problem you have. Your issue is that you and your partner don't have an honest or mature enough relationship where you can talk openly about finances and jointly plan for the future. You should not be considering children or marriage if you need to "go digging" to understand his finances, and if he isn't willing to initiate spending changes himself, they won't last and you'll be disappointed and resentful.

I think you both need to work on communication and maybe some more maturity before moving forward.

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/02/2021 09:42

Why would you sign a legal contract financially binding yourself to someone who hides their financial situation from you? That’s the real question.

peachypetite · 03/02/2021 09:44

Run for the hills. It’s not like he sat down with you and came clean and had open honest communication. How can you trust him? You’d be mad to consider marriage and children.

Godimabitch · 03/02/2021 09:44

Why dont you both join up for clear score? It tells you your debt very clearly, maybe that'll shock him.

He wont change unless he thinks he needs to

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/02/2021 09:45

Is he gambling OP?

ZaraW · 03/02/2021 09:49

Of course you can change your spending habits you have to want to and be 100% committed. He's none of the above. I wouldn't marry him he's too much of a liability.

peak2021 · 03/02/2021 09:51

Don't consider marriage and/or a child with someone who is so unable to manage money and face the realities. I recall someone I was at university with who was hopeless at managing money (not sure what happened to them afterwards) and had to hide from bailiffs.

The kindest possibility is he is a person who is financially illiterate and can never change. Some people have no sense of direction, some people can never be on time for anyone, and in the same way some people cannot manage money at all. In all three examples such people are unwilling to change and hide their failing.

Protect yourself above all things though.

Melange99 · 03/02/2021 09:54

Yes you can change. I did. But my debt only impacted on me, nobody knew, and I eventually came to my senses and paid off my debts and more importantly changed my mindset about mindless spending, analysed why I was doing it. My case, boredom and trying to improve self esteem. It failed to increase my self esteem, I felt worse for being out of control.

However, your DP is on another level. My debt was nothing like his sounds. I am now financially solvent. He is still in head in sand mode, playing down the debt, adding to it. Who knows if he will ever come to his senses and start paying it off. The fact he is downplaying it and still spending on inconsequentials would make me disentangle myself from him (financially, and perhaps emotionally).

If I could go back in time one of the things I would do would be around money. I am talking about savings, and the independence it brings. I am doing okay but will be working until I drop I think! Do you want to be tied to somebody you cannot trust around money, or one you have to police, or whose debt might rebound on you?

MaskingForIt · 03/02/2021 09:56

Marriage is nothing to do with love and pretty white dresses - marriage is a legal contract with financial implications. Please do not marry this financially incontinent manchild or have a baby with him, because he will ruin you.

Changing spending habits is possible, but only if the person acknowledges they have a problem and wants to change. It seems like he thinks debt is “normal” and isn’t concerned about changing.

If you want marriage and children in your future you need to let this one go and find a real adult to be with.

PollyGray · 03/02/2021 09:58

You are thinking of throwing your lot in with someone who hides things from you and the fact that it's his financial situation is the tip of the iceberg.
Knowing you can trust someone is essential in a relationship and more importantly it's essential to good mental health.

Can you and do you trust him?

caringcarer · 03/02/2021 09:59

A debt as big as his annual salary. Wow, that is hard to believe if nothing to show for it. I would say he won't change and if you stay together you will never be able to trust him with money. Don't ever have a child with him and never marry him as automatically his debt becomes your debt too and you can be legally chased to pay it off and a baliff can take your things if he falls behind on any of his payments. I would cut my losses and look for someone more responsible. If you ever want marriage and babies you need to dump him and move on. If you don't you will face a future full of misery.

caringcarer · 03/02/2021 10:06

I am just trying to imagine the amount of interest he must be paying every month just to service that huge debt and it is blowing my mind. How much is his annual salary? What on earth are these subscriptions he can't do without? I would dump him and tell him why as well. It sounds like he is making no attempt to reduce his debt. I would tell him he has debt counseling and works out a debt plan to pay down debt in say 4 years or you will leave him. He may be talking of marriage as a way of getting you to pay it off for him.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 10:14

I think the key point is you cannot financially tie yourself to someone who has a lot of debt and is basically a spender, and will spend what they don’t have. It will cause you too many problems in the long run.

If he clears his debt, then goes several years of being able to show he can manage his money and live within his means then consider it again, but until he has demonstrated responsibility for an extended period when debt freee then the answer is no,

I also would not have a child with someone in this situation, unless you’re willing to financially fully support any child.

Can he change, maybe, maybe not, you will only know that many years down the line when he’s cleared the debt, and has been living debt free and responsibly managing his money, saving etc,

luxxlisbon · 03/02/2021 10:27

Debt which mostly comes from impulse control or using spending as an emotional crutch is incredibly difficult to overcome. It is ver similar to alcohol or drug addictions. It was used as a coping mechanism for so long that it takes deep rooted reprogramming to get past it, and not everyone does.
The fact that your partner doesn't seem like he can be honest with himself about the debt it a red flag really and he can't change his habits if he is still down playing them.

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 10:28

If you were asking about yourself because you wanted to change your own habits and circumstances, I would say yes.

Since you're posting about another person who doesn't consider they have a problem or any reason to change, and who has expressed no desire or intention to change, then no.

I wouldn't financially entangle myself with him in terms of marriage or children. Although I appreciate that after 3 years you're already emotionally entangled.

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/02/2021 10:31

Is he snorting it up his nose?

I know people who took out debt relief orders when they first came out as an option and are now considering a second.

TallTowerFan · 03/02/2021 10:39

People can change. I did. After a relationship break up in my 20s I stupidly got some store cards and credit card and spent a lot on crap. I got into such a mess that I could only afford to buy big things using my card as the repayments were so high that I had no disposable income. At that point I changed my ways completely and paid it off. No credit for almost 10 years now.

I'd be very concerned if someone showed no signs of change. And probably wouldn't have married my husband if he lived like this.

Original poster
Purplependant222 · 03/02/2021 11:32

Thank you all.

I know I can’t have a baby with this man, and certainly never marry him.

I get why he’d hide it - he’s obviously embarrassed and he knows I’m firmly against unnecessary debt. He’s got himself a hole and he knows I won’t have sympathy (ridiculous spending on cars/clothes/holidays which I pointed out at the time!)

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 03/02/2021 11:36

His debt is around the same as his yearly salary.

I get sleepless nights when my credit card debt reaches £1k, which is half my monthly salary, which is why it doesn't happen often.