Can anyone ever change their spending habits?

[Purplependant222]

My DP (together three years and lived together for a year - he regularly talks about marriage and trying for a baby) is in ridiculous amount of debt. I shouldn’t know about it but after a few red flags and him completely denying, I went digging.

His spending habits are ridiculous, this month he’s taken out three new unnecessary subscriptions, and he never seems to learn from his mistakes.

I do love him but I since I’ve found out how much debt he’s in, and that he doesn’t seem to be doing much about it, I can’t seem to look at him.

I’m not sure what I’m asking apart from is there light at the end of the tunnel?

It's not true what someone said upthread about you being chased for his debts if you marry him, that's absolute nonsense. Your personal debts are just that - personal! You can however be held responsible if you take out credit jointly with someone. So do not do that, whatever else you do.
As others have said, he can change, but only if he really wants to. My DH used to be shocking with money and had unsecured debt of £40k at one point. He saw the light, gradually paid it all off, and now he's better with money than I am. But your DP has to really want to sort himself out, and he has to be prepared for the fact that he's going to be totally skint for a few years. If that's something he's not going to be able to accept then you're probably better off leaving him to it I'm afraid.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4153512-To-think-children-should-be-taught-financial-literacy

And yet 17% think we shouldn't teach children financial literacy
This is exactly where that attitude ends up.

You need to have it out with him and issue the ultimatum or else you are going to wake up one day bankrupt and homeless with a child.
He has to come clean about every penny he owes & what he is currently spending & come up with a plan to resolve it & stick to it or it is the door.
He can start by having the family member who he took a loan out for take out their own loan (how they do that is their problem) and pay him what they owe so he can pay off that loan.

Yes. DP was apparently awful with money when he was younger, almost lost his house and his parents bailed him out. He was so mortified that he changed completely, paid them back, and he's now 51 with a house owned outright, 1.5 Bitcoin, a private pension, an ISA, premium bonds and plenty of day to day spends saved from his wages.

He's generous when necessary but errs on the side of saving if we have spare cash.

People can change but I wouldn't have stayed with him if I'd known him when he was like that.

Of course, people do change their spending habits. But only when they want to. Not in the situation your DP is - where he doesn't want to and is totally ignoring the reality of his situation.

Don't marry him. Don't buy a house with him. Don't have a baby with him. You seem to be well aware of this. But also, don't lend him money or agree to take out a loan for him or be a guarantor - ever.

And, especially if you're living together, it sounds bad but it would probably be sensible to do a twice a year credit check. Debt equal to his annual salary if he has no assets is a dangerous level of debt that he will be having difficulty sustaining it. At some point soon he likely isn't going to be able to pay off the minimum amounts without doing something dodgy.

People can change, but I agree with others that it's unlikely he'll change if he's still deceiving you (and himself?) about the extent of his debt.

I also agree marriage would be a bad idea.

If you want to see if he can change, I think you need to have a really open conversation about how you know he is in far more debt than he says, and for you it is a deal breaker.

A thing you could do - and I'm not recommending it necessarily, but it's a halfway house if you do feel you want to stay with him - would be to get him to agree to take charge on finances. If he really can't seem to get control, you could have his salary paid into your joint account where you can see it, and he'd need to ask to take out subscriptions/spend money. If he's serious about wanting to change but very weak-willed, that might help.

But you won't get anywhere unless he's really serious.

Someone I'm close to changed his ways. But only after losing his home.
He told me he was seeing someone with kids and the first thing that went through my mind is 'I hope she's in charge of the money!'. They've now been married for years and she is!
It wasn't lack of teaching from his parents. I don't think school lessons could have prevented the situation. It may have been lack of discipline, social isolation, related to his diagnosed dyslexia, or possibly he has undiagnosed ADHD. Either way he can never get another mortgage. I'm not sure what changed to make him grow up. Having to go to court for bankruptcy was shit though, then having to be a lodger because he couldn't get proper tenancy.
My own take on it was that the problem was he never understood how long a month was.
So yeah, he might change once he hits rock bottom, but do you want to be around for that? Painful to watch, more so if you are expected to pick up the tab.

Citizens advice bureau are helpful if he needs help sorting the debt.

I have a lot of debt, that can partly be down to having no income for a year then another 5 years earning a third of previous salary. I pay all my bills on time. I don’t really have anything to show for the debt: no designer things, few clothes and possessions, don’t take drugs, gamble or do anything illegal. I just seem to do really impulsive things that put me in bad situations and make poor choices. I’m a professional with good income. I have bipolar 2 and EUPD, so not sure if it’s related to that. It’s so frustrating, I now have a plan to deal with it. It’s terrifying and sometimes so overwhelming that I want to end it all.

OP give him 6 months to grow up and if he hasn't kiss his sorry asshole goodbye.
End of. It's easier said than done at first believe me. You'll thank yourself when you're well shot of it and sadly watch them tag on to someone else that might save him.
Dust your hands and be strong. 💐

Well, he's got no hope of changing if he isn't even willing to admit to the full extent of the problem. As sad as it is, I would move on, you can't build your life with someone like this.

People can change if course. If he's denying the extent of the problem and lying about it then he's no where near ready to change. I think you will end up resenting him. What does your future with this man realistically look like?

He doesn't even want to change or even see that there is a problem. So no, he won't change. Save your sanity and get out today.

For anyone suggesting the dp of a spender taking control of finances, its pointless as there is always a way to borrow money. Cut up credit cards - they remember the number. Cancel them - secretly apply for more. There is also bank overdrafts, personal loans, mortgage redraws, pay day lenders. Short of locking some one in the house with no internet, it's impossible. Even then they would probably wait until a friend walks by on the street and call out that they want to borrow money.

When I was a student I was very extravagant with store cards and ran up a few thousand, that stressed me out majorly at the time and I had to buck up and handle it.
I learned and now I am late 30s and I am the complete opposite - so my gut reaction to your opening title was 'yes of course people can change'.

However a yearly salary amount of debt and presuming he is not a 19 year old makes a difference and I would be personally really wary, as I am sure you are.

I'd say a frank discussion is needed with him as others have suggested :(