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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thinking my children are spoilt

32 replies

FriedTomatoe · 02/02/2021 21:15

Recently I've been thinking this. I coparent with my ex-h and in most respects we get on okay but I'm starting to think he's spoiling them too much. An example is our device situation. My eldest who is 11 has a phone, ipad and chrome book (latter is non-negotiable as he needs it for school). Youngest who is 10 has an Ipad, laptop (which is meant to be shared with me but isn't) and a PC. It's not just this though, they both get £5 a week pocket money from ex which they both are allowed to spend on whatever they want. Fair enough but they're constantly saving for the next flashy gadget or game. I feel a bit like bad cop when I constantly say no to things and that if they want extra money they'll have to do something for it or that they have more than most kids their age have.

OP posts:

tttigress · 02/02/2021 21:47

Hmm, I don't know. Isn't that fairly normal now?

Maybe you could cut them down to 1 computer each for school / entertainment and one other device each?

RE the pocket money, what do they use it for? At least they are saving.

Do they act completely ungrateful for the possessions that they have?

Passthecake30 · 02/02/2021 21:50

It does seem fairly normal. I’d say we are pretty tight with ours, and they don’t get things outside of Xmas and bdays. The 11yr old has a (2nd hand) iPhone, iPad and switch, the 12yr old has a (2nd hand) iPhone, iPad, switch and Xbox. They get less pocket money - £10 and £15 a month (11,12 yr old)

LadyCatStark · 02/02/2021 21:52

I don’t think you’re spoiling them at all.

CoRhona · 02/02/2021 21:53

£5 per week isn't a lot and if they're buying games, they'll need to save for a while.

It's difficult though when you parent differently, however that manifests itself.

idontlikealdi · 02/02/2021 21:53

I think it's a good thing they save up the pocket money.

Mine are 9 and get £4 a week but they have to put their clothes away and sort the recycling for that.

They have a chrome book each but that is for school, share an iPad and both have iPods. They have kindle fires kicking around somewhere too but never use them.

They are far from spoilt, I don't think what you've described is excessive.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2021 21:56

Being "spoilt" isn't about the things your children have, it's whether or not your kids appreciate the things they are fortunate enough to get. It's about their attitude, not their stuff.

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/02/2021 21:59

I think being spoilt is more to do with their attitude than the amount of stuff they have. Do they kick up a fuss if you say no, or accept it? Are they polite, do they help around the house, do they come off the screens without argument when asked?

Also the amount of time they spend on the screens is more important than the number of screens per se. Do you and ex agree on that (and is it easily enforceable without argument from the children?).

tttigress · 02/02/2021 22:01

@Aquamarine1029

Being "spoilt" isn't about the things your children have, it's whether or not your kids appreciate the things they are fortunate enough to get. It's about their attitude, not their stuff.

This^ great post. If your kids had tons more stuff but we're humble about it, that is fine. If they are total brats regarding their possessions, and don't appreciate what they have, that is the problem.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/02/2021 22:02

I think that tech is the equivalent of toys in our childhoods. And tbh, kids need them - everything relies on internet access now. I would consider the Chromebook to be school equipment, so wouldn't even count that. £5 pocket money is also reasonable imo and it's good they are learning to save up to buy what they want.

lovepickledlimes · 02/02/2021 22:04

Another vote for spoiled being a attitude and behaviour not how much they have

olympicsrock · 02/02/2021 22:04

I think they are spoilt....

CherryRoulade · 02/02/2021 22:08

It is not having things that spoils children. Many have far more and manage reasonable behaviour.

Spoilt is parents who are too lazy of frightened to say no, who indulge and appease. It’s inconsistent and ambiguous parenting. It’s children given too much control at too young an age.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 02/02/2021 22:15

Dd is 7 her dad and I have been separated for about 2.5 years. She has my old mobile 0hone, a windows surface tablet for homeschooling and homework and somewhere a kindle (my old one). I think devices are a part of life. If they are appreciative and don't take things for granted then I wouldn't say they were spoilt. As others have said spoilt is more about the attitude.

She gets £5/week pocket money from me, I don't buy her things often outside of birthdays and Christmas. She has saved her pocket money, birthday and Christmas money and recently had saved enough to buy herself a switch lite. She has a gohenry card so took great delight in ordering it herself and having to show her card in order to collect it. I knew she was serious when it took her a month and endless debates with my dad before she decided on which colour she wanted to buy!

Santaiscovidfree · 02/02/2021 22:20

From aged 7 9 and 10 (10 years ago) exh had bought all dc laptop, phones, tablet and games consoles
.. I didn't have stuff like that at my home. I wasn't a thief or a Disney dm either... Dc were happy about different rules. In fact 2 went nc with their df due to lack of parenting and boundaries..

peboh · 02/02/2021 22:23

What they have, and what they save for seems fairly common nowadays. I wouldn't say just because they have these things they're spoilt. Spoilt to me is more about the attitude, as opposed to belongings.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/02/2021 22:23

I don't think being spoilt is simply a product of having access to things. It's about the attitude to them. If your kids are grumpy when they can't have more, won't share, expect the newest, etc. then they're spoilt. If they have plenty but appreciate it and know it isn't a right then they're just lucky.

In terms of whether they have more than the vast majority - pretty much all kids in the UK do. Their tech and pocket money sounds on the good end of UK kids', but not the far good end.

Original poster

FriedTomatoe · 02/02/2021 22:25

Maybe it's not as bad as I think then. When I say no they will answer back a bit and try to persuade me but they do accept it. I do sometimes think they don't appreciate it but that might be because I have seen first hand how little some people have and I think my view of the world is a bit warped.

OP posts:

HyggaeHugger · 02/02/2021 22:27

@Aquamarine1029

Being "spoilt" isn't about the things your children have, it's whether or not your kids appreciate the things they are fortunate enough to get. It's about their attitude, not their stuff.

This

Rich isn't same thing as spoilt

HyggaeHugger · 02/02/2021 22:29

@FriedTomatoe

To be fair, at their age, I didn't know much about how some British people live. Parents weren't rich but quite comfortable. It is quite normal at that age to talk back to parents but the key is to stick to your guns and not give in to tantrums, whining etc

Indecisive12 · 02/02/2021 22:34

My 9 year old has use of a laptop and an old iPhone 5 without a SIM. They have a games console they share between the DC. I don’t give pocket money but pay them to do jobs (cleaning/gardening) around the house.

I’m not expecting to be able to keep this up for much longer. Year 5 seems to be when most children get mobiles at our school although I’ll be trying to put it off until the end of Year 6 and then when high school starts I expect more tech will be needed for homework. It’s just how things are changing I think.

user86386427 · 02/02/2021 22:35

I think it all depends on how they respect their property and parents, I think you can indulge children without making them act spoilt depending on how you parent them and you introduce the gadgets. If that makes any sense?!

Oysterbabe · 02/02/2021 22:35

Sounds pretty normal to me.

SD1978 · 02/02/2021 22:40

I agree with @Aquamarine1029 - being spoilt and understanding you're privileged, are two different things. My daughter has the 'usual' electronics- iPad & switch. He also saves her pocket money fir games/ credit. But she is aware that she is very lucky we are able to have/ do what we do, and that some kids can have/ do more and that some have/ do less. I don't feel guilty that she is privileged in comparison to some- just as I'm not jealous that she wouldn't be in comparison to some others. It's about being great full for what you have, and still understanding that life is different for everyone and not judging people.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/02/2021 22:45

It’s pretty normal I think, my 10 year old has a decent laptop, an iPhone 6s and a tablet. 16 year old iPhone 11 , MacBook and iPad. My younger children have a tablet and an iPhone 5s each with no sim to play games as they are small enough to easily be portable 8 year old also has an iPad. Tech is necessary these days.

littlepieces · 02/02/2021 22:50

@Aquamarine1029

Being "spoilt" isn't about the things your children have, it's whether or not your kids appreciate the things they are fortunate enough to get. It's about their attitude, not their stuff.

This.

Kids really need devices to get by now, both socially and educationally.

Definitely think that kids should earn their pocket money, but also think that they should be encouraged to do their bit around the house anyway without being 'paid' for it because it teaches general responsibility and being helpful without the need for monetary reward.

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