I was feeling really happy, and my Dad has put me on a downer.

HappyBluebird · 2021-02-02T19:18:35+00:00

(I have name changed). I've been with my partner for 6 months. I'm nearly 40 and have never been in a happy relationship before and although it is early days, I am very much enjoying it. I mentioned to my Mum that if things continue to go well, I would consider marrying her. That's all I've said. I've not said I am in a rush to do it or even definitely going to do it-the way I feel though, if we continue to be happy for the forseeable, I would love to have a wedding and a happy marriage. Today I spoke to my Dad who has heard what I've said from my Mum and he has upset me a fair bit. 'You can do better' 'It's too soon' 'Don't rush into it' 'Don't settle' 'Why do you even need to get married?! You don't want children' 'I don't want you marrying a bird'. The 'too soon' and 'don't rush' comments are daft anyway, it isn't as if I mean next week. I realise options are limited due to sexuality and age but I'm not convinced that I wouldn't like to adopt at some point in the not-too-distant future. There was more to it than this, things like I don't even know myself and I'm fucked up etc etc I don't see why it bothers him so much. FWIW he was abusive to me as a child and a lot of my horrible relationships in the past, I can see now, are a result of my low self esteem as a result of him. When he says 'could do better' I think he means, I'm from a quite wealthy background and have a lot of assets compared to most, and she doesn't. I *Think* that's what he means-he wouldn't explain. However I actually don't think I could do better, for someone who appreciates me and cares as she does, and I also don't think he understands that at my age, being gay, there just aren't so many options anyway! But, that aside-I am not even PLANNING to get married yet. I just, was feeling happy that I felt I finally have happiness in some sense, and maybe, just maybe I could have a wedding that my parents will be still young enough to attend, and maybe just maybe we may work and I may have found someone who isn't an abusive psycho. I am now doubting myself. Is he right?

HellonHeels · 02/02/2021 19:20

No he isnt right. He's a bigoted nasty piece of work. Maybe he resents your happiness and feels it moves you out of reach of him and his abuse.

fannyFERNACKERPANN · 02/02/2021 19:21

No he's not right at all and should mind his own.
Sounds like you're in a happy relationship, enjoy it and don't let him bring you down

HellonHeels · 02/02/2021 19:21

Enioy your relationship and think about seeing a lot less of him.

TillyTopper · 02/02/2021 19:22

As he abused you in the past why are you listening to him now? Clearly he hasn't changed and you can't expect him to, so you need to change how you relate to him. I suggest stop listening to your father, distance yourself and be happy within yourself instead of wanting him to change his opinion (which won't happen).

DeusEx · 02/02/2021 19:23

@HellonHeels

Enioy your relationship and think about seeing a lot less of him.

This!

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 19:24

I was thinking of, next time it comes up (and it will)! trying to explainthat although I will listen to his concerns, he also has to listen to me-and when I respond to his concerns, actually listen to my answers. He wouldn't today. E.G 'You could do better'
Me: 'Better in what way?'
Him: 'Well It's too bloody soon and you could do better!'

BUT, he hasn't ever listened to anything about me before-why would he now? I guess yes, I should just not bother.

OP posts:

MRex · 02/02/2021 19:25

FWIW he was abusive to me as a child and a lot of my horrible relationships in the past, I can see now, are a result of my low self esteem as a result of him.
Why are you listening to someonev who you feel was abusive? Keep him and his comments at arms length and you'll be much happier.

You haven't said much about your girlfriend, but if she's making you happy then that's what counts. Enjoy each day x

Dyrne · 02/02/2021 19:25

I think you should consider why you feel obliged to spend time with a man who abused you in the past and is still saying horrible things to you now.

Also whether you should speak so often to your mother who is happy to tell your father things that result in him hurling abuse at you.

You don’t have to subject yourself to this, you deserve better.

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 19:27

Thank you all. I will not let him ruin it. I would ordinarily speak to her about anything that had upset me, but I won't about this, because it really isnt fair on her to hear his horrible, misguided opinions is it.

She is just a very sweet person who seems to just 'get' me. I am careful and I have been careful to even let her in a little, but although she is very different to me I am enjoying the differences and enjoying being appreciated. We're both very loving toward one another and I trust her a lot.

OP posts:

user1465423698 · 02/02/2021 19:28

FWIW he was abusive to me as a child and a lot of my horrible relationships in the past, I can see now, are a result of my low self esteem as a result of him.

Has he stopped being abusive and battering your self esteem?

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 19:31

We get on a lot better now. I have, for many years just wanted to forget the past and have a decent relationship, he struggled with this and continued to be difficult but he seems to mellow as he gets older.

But no, not totally I guess!

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greenlynx · 02/02/2021 19:33

I personally wouldn’t listen him much. He belongs to different generation and clearly has different opinion about sexuality, he is worried about money too much, he was never a great source of understanding and support to you, and finally I never trust male’s opinion about females and the other way around. Enjoy your new relationship.

ejhhhhh · 02/02/2021 19:37

I think he's given you ample cause to stop talking to him. I wouldn't encourage any more unpleasantness by trying to explain it to him, a lack of understanding is not what this is about. He's trying to hurt you, an explanation isn't going to change his actions towards you. I wouldn't bother with a big bust up type confrontation either,just stop talking to him. If you need to keep communicating, because of your mum for example, just keep conversations short and superficial, steer them away from anything personal, and don't find ways of staying away from him. You could suggest days out with just you and your mum, rather than going round to their house. I would tell your partner about this, she'll likely figure out there's something going on. You don't need this sort of person in your life, father or not, you don't owe an abusive parent anything.

ejhhhhh · 02/02/2021 19:38

Sorry, that should have read "find ways of staying away from him".

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 02/02/2021 19:51

There's no point trying to explain to him, or thinking you can logic him into agreement with you. The facts are that it's your life and you can do anything you want. His opinion is 100% irrelevant.

Your new partner sounds lovely and as long as you feel happy, safe and confident then it's nobody else's business.

littlepieces · 02/02/2021 19:57

Sack him off and enjoy life with your partner. I doubt he knows what is best for you when the basis for his advice are heterosexual relationship ideals from Victorian times.

DitzyFakeBlonde · 02/02/2021 19:57

Im going to go against the grain now and say if you have assets, regardless of orientation and gender, male/female gay/straight/bi, it would be sensible to take steps to protect these.

If you didn’t say your Dad was abusive and is the reason for your self esteem issues, I might think it was reasonable advice to take things easy, (only because I have friends who in the honeymoon period have rushed into monumental commitments like marriage and regretted it.). Is the issue more about how he’s said it? And do you feel like if it were a man you might not of had this conversation?

It’s not like your actively planning a wedding now so ignore his comments, (He sounds a bit old fashioned with no filter) enjoy your relationship, hope you are both very happy together and prove him wrong

AdoraBell · 02/02/2021 20:00

Ignore him. Enjoy your relationship.

lazylump72 · 02/02/2021 20:53

OP I would presumme rightly or wrongly that any parent who could see their own child so happy would be so chuffed for them? I think he has issues that he is covering up and not dealing with.This is going to sound awful and I honestly dont know quite how to put it but having a gay son myself I have seen a bit of this in our family from older relations,not me I couldnt be happier for him but older relations have had trouble accepting him and his partner together,,,it sounds weird and makes no sense but they love my son,they are proud of him and do genuinely want the best for him but their best somehow meant wife and 2 kids and that was never going to happen! They seemed to find it difficult in not not accepting he is gay thats fine they kind of get that but when he moved in with his partner they kind of had to see it..does that make sense?Do you know what I mean? Maybe your dad has issues like that? My son has the most wonderful partner who loves him dearly and I am praying for the day and would be so omg when/ if it comes so I can rush off and buy my hat knowing that they are settled and are building a wonderful life and future together its what I would like more than anything some of my reletives however would be not embarrassed as such but it would bring their, ignorance is not the right word but it would be a challenge for them as they still think it sort of unconventional maybe and to be fair they are abit 1950s and well hopefully you get what I mean...could your dad be a bit like that? Not homophobic but unsure of how to deal with your partner and you as adults in a loving relationship? Someone once said to me,a very close reletive oh lazy I am so sorry you will never have grandchildren,They werent being awful or mean in anyway but when I pointed out I could have a dozen grandchildren if my son and his wonderful partner chose to have children they were genuinely gobsmacked and couldnt fathum out how this could ever be possible or happen!! Thats kind of what I mean with your dad,not ignorant mean ignorant just not knowing and wondering instead of just bloody asking they get themselves in a right pickle! They just can;t see the bigger picture of the fact the world has moved on and all things are possible for all people regardless of who they love and whatever kind of relationship they are in...I hope you get my drift,didnt know how to write this cohearently! I am so glad you are so happy with your partner and I hope it goes from strength to strength for you both, I have seen first hand how happy my sons partner makes him and how devoted they are to each other and I couldnt ask for anything more than seeing him so happy,I wish for you that you have the same contentment,peace,joy and love in your relationship you are building going foward,Take care.

BonnieDundee · 02/02/2021 21:05

I was thinking of, next time it comes up (and it will)! trying to explainthat although I will listen to his concerns, he also has to listen to me-and when I respond to his concerns, actually listen to my answers. He wouldn't today. E.G 'You could do better'
Me: 'Better in what way?'
Him: 'Well It's too bloody soon and you could do better!'

I've got a better idea. Next time it comes up tell him it's not up for discussion and he can like it or lump it.

Stop justifying yourself to him. You dont need to. And he will never see your point of view anyway

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 21:08

@DitzyFakeBlonde

Im going to go against the grain now and say if you have assets, regardless of orientation and gender, male/female gay/straight/bi, it would be sensible to take steps to protect these.

If you didn’t say your Dad was abusive and is the reason for your self esteem issues, I might think it was reasonable advice to take things easy, (only because I have friends who in the honeymoon period have rushed into monumental commitments like marriage and regretted it.). Is the issue more about how he’s said it? And do you feel like if it were a man you might not of had this conversation?

It’s not like your actively planning a wedding now so ignore his comments, (He sounds a bit old fashioned with no filter) enjoy your relationship, hope you are both very happy together and prove him wrong

He hasn't said that, that's my guess as to what he means by 'could do better'. I would like to know what he means, but when I asked him if that's what he meant he changed the subject. If I do marry, I will protect my assets. If it was a man, he would probably be as bad if said man wasn't from a similar background to me, but of course the 'don't be with a bird' thing wouldn't have been said.

The truth is I've been around enough to know she's not one I want to let go of (at least up until now).
Thank you for your advice :)

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 21:08

@BonnieDundee

I was thinking of, next time it comes up (and it will)! trying to explainthat although I will listen to his concerns, he also has to listen to me-and when I respond to his concerns, actually listen to my answers. He wouldn't today. E.G 'You could do better' Me: 'Better in what way?' Him: 'Well It's too bloody soon and you could do better!'

I've got a better idea. Next time it comes up tell him it's not up for discussion and he can like it or lump it.

Stop justifying yourself to him. You dont need to. And he will never see your point of view anyway

Of the last sentence, yes, I think unfortunately this is just how he is-he isn't interested in my point of view at all and never has been.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 21:10

@lazylump72

OP I would presumme rightly or wrongly that any parent who could see their own child so happy would be so chuffed for them? I think he has issues that he is covering up and not dealing with.This is going to sound awful and I honestly dont know quite how to put it but having a gay son myself I have seen a bit of this in our family from older relations,not me I couldnt be happier for him but older relations have had trouble accepting him and his partner together,,,it sounds weird and makes no sense but they love my son,they are proud of him and do genuinely want the best for him but their best somehow meant wife and 2 kids and that was never going to happen! They seemed to find it difficult in not not accepting he is gay thats fine they kind of get that but when he moved in with his partner they kind of had to see it..does that make sense?Do you know what I mean? Maybe your dad has issues like that? My son has the most wonderful partner who loves him dearly and I am praying for the day and would be so omg when/ if it comes so I can rush off and buy my hat knowing that they are settled and are building a wonderful life and future together its what I would like more than anything some of my reletives however would be not embarrassed as such but it would bring their, ignorance is not the right word but it would be a challenge for them as they still think it sort of unconventional maybe and to be fair they are abit 1950s and well hopefully you get what I mean...could your dad be a bit like that? Not homophobic but unsure of how to deal with your partner and you as adults in a loving relationship? Someone once said to me,a very close reletive oh lazy I am so sorry you will never have grandchildren,They werent being awful or mean in anyway but when I pointed out I could have a dozen grandchildren if my son and his wonderful partner chose to have children they were genuinely gobsmacked and couldnt fathum out how this could ever be possible or happen!! Thats kind of what I mean with your dad,not ignorant mean ignorant just not knowing and wondering instead of just bloody asking they get themselves in a right pickle! They just can;t see the bigger picture of the fact the world has moved on and all things are possible for all people regardless of who they love and whatever kind of relationship they are in...I hope you get my drift,didnt know how to write this cohearently! I am so glad you are so happy with your partner and I hope it goes from strength to strength for you both, I have seen first hand how happy my sons partner makes him and how devoted they are to each other and I couldnt ask for anything more than seeing him so happy,I wish for you that you have the same contentment,peace,joy and love in your relationship you are building going foward,Take care.

Lovely to hear about your son :) and also, yes I've had similar conversations about children etc-It's just so damn ignorant and although they don't realise they are being awful, they still sound awful with those 'Oh I'm so sorry!' comments.

Yes, my Dad is just how he is. I feel a bit better now, thank you for everyone's comments :)

OP posts:

billy1966 · 02/02/2021 22:00

OP,

Your nasty father needs to know less about your relationship.

Tell your parents nothing.

Your father was abusive and sounds awful.

Pull well back from them.

Your lovely partner could well have second thoughts about you if she meets your parents and finds that you, a 40 year old women, are too dependent on them.

It would give a lot of people pause for thought, especially as no doubt your father will be unable to hide his horrible nature from her.

Don't allow him to spoil this for you.

Wishing you well.

Original poster

HappyBluebird · 02/02/2021 22:06

Your lovely partner could well have second thoughts about you if she meets your parents and finds that you, a 40 year old women, are too dependent on them.

They have met. I am definitely not dependent on them. He was/is lovely to her face.
I will not speak about her around him any longer though.
It's off topic-but he seems to not want me to talk about anything!
There are a fair few subjects I'm told not to mention in front of him. Ah well, what's another one :)

Thank you for the well wishes :)

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