I was feeling really happy, and my Dad has put me on a downer.

[HappyBluebird]

(I have name changed).

I've been with my partner for 6 months. I'm nearly 40 and have never been in a happy relationship before and although it is early days, I am very much enjoying it. I mentioned to my Mum that if things continue to go well, I would consider marrying her. That's all I've said. I've not said I am in a rush to do it or even definitely going to do it-the way I feel though, if we continue to be happy for the forseeable, I would love to have a wedding and a happy marriage.

Today I spoke to my Dad who has heard what I've said from my Mum and he has upset me a fair bit.
'You can do better'
'It's too soon'
'Don't rush into it'
'Don't settle'
'Why do you even need to get married?! You don't want children'
'I don't want you marrying a bird'.

The 'too soon' and 'don't rush' comments are daft anyway, it isn't as if I mean next week. I realise options are limited due to sexuality and age but I'm not convinced that I wouldn't like to adopt at some point in the not-too-distant future.

There was more to it than this, things like I don't even know myself and I'm fucked up etc etc

I don't see why it bothers him so much.

FWIW he was abusive to me as a child and a lot of my horrible relationships in the past, I can see now, are a result of my low self esteem as a result of him.

When he says 'could do better' I think he means, I'm from a quite wealthy background and have a lot of assets compared to most, and she doesn't. I Think that's what he means-he wouldn't explain.
However I actually don't think I could do better, for someone who appreciates me and cares as she does, and I also don't think he understands that at my age, being gay, there just aren't so many options anyway!

But, that aside-I am not even PLANNING to get married yet. I just, was feeling happy that I felt I finally have happiness in some sense, and maybe, just maybe I could have a wedding that my parents will be still young enough to attend, and maybe just maybe we may work and I may have found someone who isn't an abusive psycho.

I am now doubting myself. Is he right?

Lazylump Sorry, I have just re-read what you said and I appreciate your writing so much, I was at work when I first read it so had to skim read.

Not homophobic but unsure of how to deal with your partner and you as adults in a loving relationship?

I know what you mean, and hope to think he is like this. He's very unconventional himself in many ways, intelligent and sensitive but has always been very 'My way or the highway' but also blames others
for his own wrongdoings. I wonder if it is the rich thing sometimes, he wants me to be with someone on what he sees as 'a level'. To be honest, I have had quite enough of all that. I have enough by myself, I do not seek someone for any reason other than to feel safe and happy. And I don't want to be alone.

I am also an only child and have given him no grandchildren-maybe that is part of it. He wants me to haev met a nice man. I cannot help but think that, bringing me up terrified of him has influenced how badly I have let people (men, and later once my sexuality emerged in my mid-twenties!) women treat me-I thought I was worth nothing.

I am so glad you are so happy with your partner and I hope it goes from strength to strength for you both, I have seen first hand how happy my sons partner makes him and how devoted they are to each other and I couldnt ask for anything more than seeing him so happy,I wish for you that you have the same contentment,peace,joy and love in your relationship you are building going foward,Take care.

Thank you. I hope it does too. And I also feel I want to protect her from him. He is nice as pie to her face and they get along well. It's very odd :(

I also feel that when he says I should not be with her, that he is deluded. Say I did what he said (which I won't, because I am very happy with her!) does he think that at my age someone 'better' (as I've said, I don't know what he means by this!) will just drop out of the sky?
I feel quite lost. It's very odd.

I voted YABU to think your Dad is right.
If he’s been abusive to you in the past have you ever spoken to anyone (counselling etc) about this? If not, it might be worthwhile doing so. As it’s probably connected to your low self-esteem and also exploring why you care so much what he thinks.

Your partner sounds lovely, your Dad not so much. So all the best in your new relationship.

you could do better

Translation: You should meet and marry a great blokey bloke just like me.

Do you want to marry your Dad? No, thought not. So disregard and carry on as you were.

Sounds like he thinks you will suddenly turn straight given enough time enjoy
your relationship and if you're in love, and happy, go ahead and get married! That's what life is all about.

He's a miserable bastard that finds comfort in shitting on other people's happiness so that can be miserable too. Easier than said than done, but ignore him and be happy.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

My abusive Grandad did the same with DM. She ignored him and had the most amazing marriage to my DF. Sadly divorced now, but on good terms.

My grandad eventually admitted he was wrong and actually liked him. Funny that.

Why are you so involved with your parents at nearly 40? All you need to tell them is you're in a relationship and then, if you do decide to get married, that you are getting married. Why are you even telling them 6 months into a relationship you might think of getting married? If you do what for want of a better expression is idle chit chit with them, don't be surprised if you equally nonsensical chit chat back.

Grey rock grey rock grey rock forever. Tell him nothing personal. Tell your mum nothing personal if she’s just going to parrot it to him. They do NOT have your best interests at heart. You are a grown ass adult and this is NONE of his business. Please feel free to tell him this. Protect yourself from this negative crap

I am guessing that he was hoping that you would 'come to your senses' and marry an actual man at some point.
You talkign about marriage to a woman has really got under his skin as now he has to face up to the fatc that that isn't going to happen.

When it comes to opinions, listen to people you trust, who have your best interests at heart.
That is not your dad, so let his opinion pass you by and ignore it.

I just smile at my parents and then go and do what I want. I've given up on expecting their approval for anything and don't even listen any more.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Why are you so involved with your parents at nearly 40? All you need to tell them is you're in a relationship and then, if you do decide to get married, that you are getting married. Why are you even telling them 6 months into a relationship you might think of getting married? If you do what for want of a better expression is idle chit chit with them, don't be surprised if you equally nonsensical chit chat back.

I alwyas find these type of comments astonishing.

I chat with my mum and dad all the time.
I am 53, have my own teens, and my mum and dad and I are good friends.
It is perfectly normal to chat to people you are close to about your life.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Why are you so involved with your parents at nearly 40? All you need to tell them is you're in a relationship and then, if you do decide to get married, that you are getting married. Why are you even telling them 6 months into a relationship you might think of getting married? If you do what for want of a better expression is idle chit chit with them, don't be surprised if you equally nonsensical chit chat back.

What a weird comment.

So what's appropriate to 'chit chat' with your parents about when you're over 40 then?

Nothing is worth more than happiness. As this year has shown us, life is unpredictable
Go with what your heart wants
Your father should learn to keep his opinions to himself. You didn't ask for advice

However I actually don't think I could do better, for someone who appreciates me and cares as she does, and I also don't think he understands that at my age, being gay, there just aren't so many options anyway!

"There aren't so many options" sounds a lot like "I"m prepared to settle", especially when you mention having low self-esteem.

Is your partner absolutely lovely? No qualifications/modifiers. In your opinion, is she the most wonderful human being in the world to be with?

If the answer is a clear yes without hesitation, then I'm very excited for you, and your dad really should be too. It's a shame he's not on board.

If the answer is "yes, given I am... X" then some of your dad's nasty comments might be coming from a good place. I mean, unlikely, but...

It doesn't matter how the world might see you objectively. If you and your new partner both think you're with the most amazing person in the world, then you can't do any better than that. That's real happiness, and you should grab it with both hands.

Haven’t read the full thread, but from the OP you keep saying that you don’t have many options due to your age and sexuality. It does sound as if you are settling, so I understand his concerns if you have relayed this to him

Thank you for the responses everyone just I'm working nights and am sleeping during the day, at the moment so I'll reply when properly awake :)

It's none of his business. From experience with an emotionally abusive parent, any info you give them, however positive or nice, is used as handy amunition for a put down session. Don't engage in anything more than superficial chit chat. It's empowering.

My own dad said “well you’ve ruined your life” when I announced that at 36 I was pregnant, I went on to have another and he now says it was “the making of me”. These situations have given me great cause for thought, what do I really want for my own daughters, I have in an age appropriate way told them it doesn’t matter who you love (as long as they’re kind and loving and treat you well) male or female as long as they’re happy and I really mean that, I want them to love and be loved and the sex of who they love is unimportant.