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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

embarrased about wedding

67 replies

nic033 · 02/02/2021 16:18

since having my DD over 4 years ago i lost all of my friends and havent spoken to anyone other than mine and my OH family since, im a stay at home mum and dont really go out unless its to take my DD to nursery. Me and my OH are getting married in a year and im really embarrassed writing our guest list, my OH only has work colleagues but our guest list is 50 people in the day yet 75 evening. with only our family on the list its still less than 50, my OH doesnt care and is inviting his work mates to the evening but i have no one and its really made me upset. i know its about us but it still makes me realise how lonely i am. advice?

OP posts:

minty133 · 02/02/2021 16:21

Have a smaller wedding? It should be about you and your partner, don't worry about other people. You're lucky you have plenty of family coming which is a lot more than some people! (Including me) Are you worried about what other people might think? Ignore them, it's your day and enjoy it with your family.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 02/02/2021 16:23

Better to have 50 good quality friends than 150 people you barely know!

We invited some random people to our wedding because my “friends” wouldn’t travel 3 hours, and our venue had minimum numbers. There’s about 20 people who came who haven’t talked to us since. Daft thing to do.

Ohalrightthen · 02/02/2021 16:24

Why did you lose all your friends? Could you reconnect, branch out, try and reach out to mums at nursery etc? Might be a bit soon for wedding invites, but would help with your bigger loneliness problem?

Ohalrightthen · 02/02/2021 16:25

Sorry, posted too soon, you sound really isolated. Is that something you're happy with?

Norwayreally · 02/02/2021 16:29

Why did you lose all of your friends? You sound incredibly isolated which isn’t healthy at all.

Flippyferloppy · 02/02/2021 16:29

We had 47 at our wedding and it was lovely. A piece of advice I found here was that if it isn't someone you'd be happy to invite out to a £50 dinner, then they shouldn't be on your list.

Original poster

nic033 · 02/02/2021 16:32

@Ohalrightthen

Sorry, posted too soon, you sound really isolated. Is that something you're happy with?

just fell out of touch, all goneoff into different directions in life. i tried to get intouch with my old best friend but after we met up she just ignored me, with the parents at the nursery its just a drop off and pick up system at the minute with covid. I just got so used to it just being me, DD and OH and never really noticed as im really close to my sisters, so i spent a lot of time with them but sitting down to do the guest list made me realise how socially im alone.

OP posts:

AlphabetDinosaur · 02/02/2021 16:33

I felt similar about my wedding but we decided just to invite family in the end. It was about 30 people and we had a registry office wedding and hired out a really nice small restaurant for the evening. Food was amazing quality and couldn't have afforded it for more people anyway. Weddings don't need to be huge to be nice, just keep it small if that's what works for you.

SandAndSea · 02/02/2021 16:38

I understand how you feel as I've been through something similar. The important thing is that you two enjoy your day. So, I would start thinking more creatively. Maybe get online and look at some alternative wedding ideas? Good luck with it all!

Alwaystired4 · 02/02/2021 16:38

I could have written this post 6 years ago! All my friends were still clubbing and livin the single life and no one wanted to hear about me getting married! Our wedding and reception were small and I gotta say not one friend remained once they realised I wasn't livin the single life with them anymore! I have 2 small children now and have made much better friends now I've hit my 30s. I know it sucks when it's supposed to be a special day but as long as you're marrying the one you love, forget everything else!! Lots of guests mean lots of fuss and hassle (can i sit here...I'm something intolerant...do i get a lift to the reception...bla blah!!) I felt super lonely too I was kinda glad when the wedding was done tbh!! Good friends will happen when the time is right 😊😊 much love and dont fret (weddings are often hard work!!) X x x x x x xx x x x

Original poster

nic033 · 02/02/2021 16:41

@AlphabetDinosaur

We dont want a huge wedding but most of the wedding is already paid for and my Father paid for a package for me and my OH at our dream venue and we just cant make up the numbers im worried about being judged on not having anyone especially by my OH familyand his collaegues

OP posts:

IliveonCoffee · 02/02/2021 16:42

I understand. I felt the same writing mine. I never made loads of friends to start with, and through various changes, I only ever seem to have 1/2 close ones at any given time.

My partner equally doesn't have that many but doesn't care nearly as much!

The numbers are what they are. Horrid as it feels, I had to realise that even if I tried I couldn't make friends fast enough that I'd feel close enough to invite, if that makes sense. I worked out at 35 day and 70 evening...most of which felt like cousins and work colleagues.

Covid is a reasonable excuse though, to have a small wedding. I'm going to be doing so when I can motivate myself to plan for the 4th time.

But otherwise, the guest list itself isn't the issue. Its finding ways to connect with others, even if they don't come to your wedding. So hard in a pandemic, but can you find any groups you'd be interested in, see if they're offering some sort of virtual meet atm, and get out there (virtually) a little more?

Parkermumma07 · 02/02/2021 16:43

Once the world returns to normal I’m sure you will meet friends through your little one and play dates. That’s how I met most of my friends after having a baby.

I know that doesn’t help you at this moment with your wedding but I’m sure things will get better once the world returns to normal x

SaltyMermaid · 02/02/2021 16:46

I got married over 20 years ago and Dh and I paid the vast majority of it. We had about 40 guests, literally siblings, parents, grandparents then really good mates. No work colleagues, no evening only invites, the people we wanted to be there were.

A piece of advice I found here was that if it isn't someone you'd be happy to invite out to a £50 dinner, then they shouldn't be on your list

Completely agree with this sentiment. Considering you are feeding people for the wedding breakfast and again in the evening work out price per head for both meals. Why is it perceived that big weddings = good weddings? All our friends' weddings were not huge affairs either. We were the first to get married, I believe the biggest wedding we went to was about 75 guests. Far easier to get round everyone is there is a smaller number.

SaltyMermaid · 02/02/2021 16:50

Just seen your update. Nice family/colleagues your partner has.

Usually you will make friends in the playground when your DD starts school.

I don't know how this works when you don't hit the minimum numbers, do you just have to pay anyway for the minimum even though there are guests not eating the food?

LApprentiSorcier · 02/02/2021 16:53

Really, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you have a lovely day and the people who matter most to you are there.

We only had 20 guests at our wedding. This was a combination of not being very 'social' people, not having an extended family, and the wedding taking place in our home county which is 200 miles away from where we live. The location was to accommodate elderly family who couldn't travel, but ruled out, e.g. workmates attending.

However even we'd been able to invite everyone we were on friendly terms with at work, we'd have had nowhere near 50 guests, let alone 75.

I still had a lovely day and I really got to spend time talking to all my guests, which was important to me. I have been to a few huge weddings where I barely got to say 'hello' to the bride and groom. Each to their own, but I don't see the point of having so many guests you don't have time to have a proper conversation with them. You'll have time to really appreciate all your guests with 50/75.

peanutbuttermilkshake · 02/02/2021 16:54

If you have to make the numbers up (as in you won’t get any money back if you have less people and it’ll annoy you to waste it) and you really will feel happier with more guests then I would reach out to old friends with invites. I’ve had invites to weddings from uni friends I haven’t seen in years but am always very happy to receive and feel very grateful!

peanutbuttermilkshake · 02/02/2021 16:57

And as hard as it is OP try not to let it taint your day. You mentioned you’re really close with your sisters - focus on that and do lots of fun pre-wedding things with them, have a lovely small hen do doing exactly what you want to do. The last year has been so crap you deserve to have fun

hopeishere · 02/02/2021 17:01

Just enjoy the day with whoever comes.

On my 40th I had a party and it was essentially all DHs friends which made me sad so I know where you're coming from. I didn't have a 50th and this was one of the reasons (that and a global pandemic!!).

ErickBroch · 02/02/2021 17:04

Damn, I think 50 is loads of people! You say your sisters and you are close. They are your friends! Not everyone is friends with their siblings so just because you are related doesn't mean they don't 'count' as a friend. I think it's wonderful you have such a close and supportive family try and focus on that rather than feeling like you haven't got friends. I am quite introverted so I don't have tons of people to invite to my wedding either.

HappygoesLucy · 02/02/2021 17:06

You absolutely won't be judged. Everyone will enjoy the day whether you have 1 person you know there or 500. The wedding is for you and your husband to be, don't worry what anyone else thinks.

Could you see if you have any local mum groups to join? There are lots of very isolated parents at the moment who'll be in the same boat as you

Bluesername · 02/02/2021 17:08

Would you be able to book a string quartet, DJ, an extra photographer? Would this count in making up numbers?

HappygoesLucy · 02/02/2021 17:08

Sorry, didn't mean that last sentence to sound like I was brushing you off, I just meant you'd likely find people who feel isolated too and you could chat with them to cope with it together.

It will get easier when you're able to interact with other parents though.

Sittingonabench · 02/02/2021 17:08

Why not invite some of your sisters friends? I’m really close with my siblings and their friends are mine too (although nowhere near as close), and we’re happy to be invited to celebrate.

EdithGrantham · 02/02/2021 17:15

I felt the same when I got married and it made me realise I wasn't happy with how small my social life had become. I joined a meetup group online and now have a group of 6 friends that I imagine I'll keep for life.

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