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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

embarrased about wedding

67 replies

nic033 · 02/02/2021 16:18

since having my DD over 4 years ago i lost all of my friends and havent spoken to anyone other than mine and my OH family since, im a stay at home mum and dont really go out unless its to take my DD to nursery. Me and my OH are getting married in a year and im really embarrassed writing our guest list, my OH only has work colleagues but our guest list is 50 people in the day yet 75 evening. with only our family on the list its still less than 50, my OH doesnt care and is inviting his work mates to the evening but i have no one and its really made me upset. i know its about us but it still makes me realise how lonely i am. advice?

OP posts:

Sssloou · 02/02/2021 17:18

If you are close to your sisters are you also close to any of their friends? Often you may have known these people longer than your official friends.

Also who is judging you? If anyone is they shouldn’t be there. With that many people the other guests won’t have a clue who is on bride or groom side.

Quality not quantity. If there is a minimum spend then ask that they reallocate any excess food budget to something else - drink!

LeekPeachPlum · 02/02/2021 17:18

We had about 50 at our wedding. The package was for 60 or 75 but we decided we would enjoy the extra drinks/canapes and buffet as more people were catered for then attending than invite people who we didnt really want there. When doing the guest list we felt a bit embarrassed by the lack of friends we have to invite but the day was perfect!

Sssloou · 02/02/2021 17:21

But if you are feeling lonely - have a think about making new acquaintances through hobbies, courses, school gates etc - these turn into friendships in time ..... so keep it light - spread yourself thin and you will find individuals you will click with.

FluffyMcWuffy · 02/02/2021 17:31

I had a big wedding (150+) and to be honest, looking back I would have preferred something much smaller. I think if I was in your shoes I would scale it back even further, to just close family. You can then always have a big party on say a significant anniversary. That then gives you time to work out why you have isolated and do something about it. If your fiance really wants his colleagues as part of it then could he organise a stag party or something similar so that he feels as though he has wishes respected too?

Chickoletta · 02/02/2021 17:32

I got married in my 20s 18 years ago and had a big wedding, which we both enjoyed. Thinking about it now though, neither of us had met any of the people we now count as our best friends in our 40s. In my case, I’ve made 4 of my 6 closest friends since getting married.

Not much help to you except to say that once this craziness is over there are future friends out there to meet and love. Reach out to people, join some groups (many of my friends are through my choir or through the kids’ activities) and be friendly.

AfterEightAnyTime · 02/02/2021 17:33

25 at our wedding (including us) It was lovely.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 02/02/2021 17:38

No one who comes will know how many people the package was originally going to cover. They won't be standing there thinking, well theres supposed to be 75 people here and theres only 45.

Talk to the venue. You could negotiate to still pay the same, reduce numbers, but have extra added to your package. So if it's a standard buffet for 75 in the evening, could they cater for 50 and include more expensive items, or desserts. Or increase the drinks included. Or provide fresh flower centerpieces and swap real champagne for the toast if currently its sparkling wine. Add canapes on arrival? There must be some leeway.

Just make sure they plan the table layout well so it looks nicely balanced in the room.

Fressia123 · 02/02/2021 17:43

Not to want to compare but if it makea you feel better... I would only have 3 guests and my DP will have about 10. I have NO friends to invite and I still do t care,I'll have the wedding of my dreams!

edwinbear · 02/02/2021 17:45

There were 45 at my wedding. DH is an only child, both my parents were only children so none of the usual aunts/uncles/cousins etc. We had a few close friends and some extended family from DH's side. Honestly, it was lovely.

We could afford to have everyone for the entire thing, so no separate evening reception (45 isn't really big enough for a separate party). We married at 5pm, had exclusive hire of a beautiful venue, champagne and canapes with a jazz band on the lawn, followed by a 5 course dinner of lobster, lamb, pudding, cheese & port, then coffee. We could afford a completely open bar, nobody paid for a thing. We finished off with fireworks instead of the evening disco, with sparklers for everyone. Small but perfectly formed!

Jimjamjong · 02/02/2021 17:46

Would you want to invite some of your old friends? It could be a way to catch up with them.

lovemelongtime · 02/02/2021 17:48

We had four guests and it worked for us. There is no requirement to have a massive wedding, it's about sharing the day with people you are close to surely.

Countrywalking · 02/02/2021 17:51

Is 50 small?
This seems like a good number.

NavyKitchen · 02/02/2021 17:51

Op, you say you're close to your sisters. Most people only have a handful of close friends. Your sisters are your close friends. Nothing wrong with that!

Pinkblueberry · 02/02/2021 18:00

We had 40 in the day and 60 in the evening, it never occurred to me to feel embarrassed about that

WhySoSensitive · 02/02/2021 18:01

I had no friends at my wedding. We had close family only! 20 all day and that’s it.

For us it was about marrying the person you love and not a show.

Lorieandrews · 02/02/2021 18:05

I had 12 people at my wedding. Including me. Husband and our kids

Best day ever!

Chanandlerbong01 · 02/02/2021 18:18

I have a lot of friends but I still wouldn’t be able to get to 50 guests!

VienneseWhirligig · 02/02/2021 18:24

I think the thing is, objectively, do you feel lonely? Until you had to compile a list for your wedding, did you feel like you were missing out? I don't have friends either - I had DS and got married in my early 20s when my friends had all moved away for uni and didn't move back, and DH was very shy and introverted (although life and soul at home in his comfort zone) and I didn't miss other people. Since he died, I feel lonely, but I wouldn't have said it was something that bothered me while he was still alive because I didn't have a gap to fill, my family (including parents, sibling etc) were my social circle which was fine.

Notnownotneverever · 02/02/2021 18:25

I wouldn’t worry about being embarrassed by the lack of numbers. That isn’t important but how you feel and feeling lonely is important.
It’s hard to do much about things right now but once lockdown starts to ease up try joining some classes or groups - child related or adult groups like evening classes or fitness or hobby based. Take up a new hobby. There will be groups that are online/Zoom based right now but will become in person when they can. If you find people you click with then you can invite them to the evening do. You don’t need a lot of notice for an evening party so if the wedding is a year away then you have time. But the main thing is to connect with people for yourself.

oakleaffy · 02/02/2021 18:25

@nic033

If someone has enough friends to fill up the fingers of one hand in a lifetime, one is lucky.

True friends are rare.

Don't worry!

Far better a small wedding than a big one in my opinion. 🙂

Zebracat · 02/02/2021 18:28

There will be friends of your parents/ relatives of that generation who would be thrilled to be invited. You may also have neighbours. These are people who may well be in your life for longer than your old friends. It is also perhaps, an opportunity to think about whether you need or want to be a little more outward facing.

TidyOmlette · 02/02/2021 18:28

This won’t help with the wedding situation but feel free to message me for a chat if you want a friend 🙂

ComDummings · 02/02/2021 18:31

I only had 30 of us in total at my wedding, it was great. We don’t have loads of friends (sort of fell out of contact as we had children before the majority, nobody’s fault, just how life went) and I was a bit down about it. However on the day it was so great! A small reg office wedding followed by a meal in a restaurant my mum hired for us. Honestly 30 felt like loads of people on the day! So don’t worry about it. It’s quality not quantity that counts.

ComDummings · 02/02/2021 18:32

I know that doesn’t help you with the friend situation, sorry. I’m just saying you’ll still have a fantastic wedding day whether you have 2 guests or 200.

KarmaNoMore · 02/02/2021 18:33

I’m sure you have some forgotten long standing friends who really appreciate you would be very happy to be with you at the wedding: good school friend? Lovely colleagues from the past? People who supported you or you have supported?

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