To go NC with this person

[SummerBlondey]

Would be very interested if anyone has had a friend, partner or sibling that behaves as my sister does. I have had to go NC after years of strange behaviour and I just have no idea what is wrong with her.

Some examples:

On my Mum's 70th birthday we all went away to a cottage (Mum, Dad, Me, DH, her, her DH and their toddler). Half way through the evening (after several drinks) she stood up and announced to the room that no-one in the world had any right to give her DD chocolate, because she “came from my womb”. She then said something negative about having to live close to the Grandparents (my Mum and Dad) to which my Mum got very upset. (she lives 5 mins from parents, I live 350 miles away due to work). By now, Sister was drunk and screaming, would not be quiet and the whole night was ruined. After this, she blamed me for the whole incident, saying that if I had been able to diffuse the situation, everything would have been fine (I tried).

I should mention at this point, that she has caused huge arguments at LOTS of family events, not just this one, but this felt worse as it was Mums 70th.

When she was 26 she got married to a guy that was a bit of a knob. On her hen night she had a bit of a wobble about the wedding, but was pissed. She now blames me for this wedding going ahead, and tells everyone that she was a vulnerable 23 y/o at the time, not 26. She also says that I left the day after the Hen do without a backward glance, but actually, I spent the whole day cleaning her house from top to bottom, because the stag do had ended up there, and everyone was on drugs and they trashed the place. When I remind her of this, she says she doesn't remember.

She gets annoyed that I can't attend her DD's birthday party every year. But I work for myself, and her DD's birthday is one of my busiest times of year, and I would have to cancel all my clients for at least 3 days, costing me £100's of pounds. I've managed twice to do it though, but logistically it was a nightmare. I always send expensive gifts though, call and sing happy birthday etc. She tells people that she came to all of my children's birthdays, but this isn't true, and even if it was, we only lived 35 minutes apart at that time, not 6 hours apart.

She says that I did not visit when her baby was born. Her baby was 22 days early, and my diary was packed full of clients. What we did do, is drive down the day before the baby's due date though. This happened to be my DH birthday, so he spent his birthday driving for 6 hours. We took lots of gifts etc. This is never acknowledged.

She told our Mum that when she had a miscarriage that my response was “Oh well. Summer babies are better anyway”. This is an out and out lie. What I actually said was something along the lines of being sure that she'd get pregnant again really quickly and will have a lovely baby by next summer.

Another time, when her DD was about 3, she accused me of only having seen her DD twice in her lifetime, and that on both occasions she had had to bring her DD to us. In fact, at that point we had seen her 10 times, and on 8 of those occasions we had done the travelling.
One time, we travelled down for her birthday. We met at a theme park, and then spent the night at her house. Once she was drunk, she accused me of being an alcoholic because I had had a cider with lunch. She then followed me around the house, and wouldn't let me go to bed. At one point she had me cornered in the bedroom. At 7am, I had to bundle the kids in to the car and leave, just to get away.

I offered to look after her DD in the school summer holidays. She replied that that wouldn't be happening because due to me moving away, her DD would not ever know me properly. She also said that if her and her DH died, that her DD would go to her friend, for the same reason. (This friend no longer talks to her btw)

Last year, I was caring for our ill Mum and she invited me to her house for dinner one night. She got drunk and said a few nasty things, but I just went to bed. She couldn't really stop me, as I was sleeping in her DD room. However, the next morning she started screaming in my face and doing the whole following me around the house thing – in front of the kids. I could feel my heart racing, so I tried to retaliate as little as possible, I packed my bag and left and went to my parents. I said how fast my heart was going, so Dad used his blood pressure machine on me, and the reading was so bad he called an ambulance. I thought this was a bit OTT, but when the paramedics arrived they said I absolutely had to go to hospital and I was blue lighted there. Tests were done, and I was told that I'd had a panic attack. Sister knows all of this and has never apologised. My DH was so worried, that he did a 12 hour round trip to bring me home.

Since our Mum has died, my sister and I have had to communicate lots about our Dad, as he is pretty useless. Even though I am far away, I have done hundreds of things for him, to set him up in his new life in a retirement village. I went down there and did loads of manual work, like clearing the loft, garage and shed of the family home before it sold, took stuff to charity shops etc. Because the messaging had increased, so had the opportunity for her to reprimand me over perceived things that I have done “wrong”. The messages have been so frequent (up to 30 a day) that it got to the point that when my phone pinged my heart rate would shoot up and I would get an adrenaline shot go through me. My adult DD who lives with us has seen the messages and has been telling me for months to stick up for myself, but in all honesty I was always trying to calm her down.

Anyway, cutting to a few weeks ago, our elderly Dad decided to cancel his cleaner, just until he has had his vaccinations for Covid (because the cleaner kept taking her mask off). Cleaner only came for 1 hour every fortnight, so was only doing the minimum of cleaning the loo, changing the bed and mopping the floor. Cue dozens of messages to me from her, moaning that she would not have time to clean his flat. I responded saying that if she didn't clean it, then perhaps he would realise he needed he cleaner and reinstate her (although I'd rather he didn't due to covid risk, but was trying to calm her down). Cue messages to me telling me that me and my DH are “Happy to let Dad hit rock bottom and live in filth etc”, and how “she would never allow that so she will do his cleaning”. I'm afraid something in that last message just blew me away, even though in reality she has said far worse in the past. And I withdrew and we didn't talk for 3 weeks. Yesterday I get a message all nicey nicey, asking me to facetime the kids, and almost inferring that I would be a bad Aunty if I don't.

I'm exhausted with it all. On top of all this, we have just found out that DH's dad has got cancer. When I mentioned this to her she was quite brusque, and said that Mum dying and DH dad having cancer aren't her fault.

I'm so flabbergasted that I have blocked her on every platform and realise that I just can't speak with her any more. I have messaged her DH to say that I am available at any time to speak to the kids. I did not tell him about anything else. Although I'm 100% sure that she will have given him her version of events painting me as the villain.

It is not just me that has withdrawn from her. She has lost at least 4 friends that I know of. Her DH's Aunt refuses to speak to her (don't know the details). She has also been disciplined at 2 separate work places for bullying, and in one case she was accused of “threatening to punch a female colleague in the face”. In one of these cases, I know that she was considering accusing a man of sexual harassment, even though this had not happened. She was ejected from a campsite a few years ago by management, for her behaviour (I don't know any more than this).

She has decided to appoint herself as the Covid police in supermarkets and has taken to shouting at shoppers if they don't wear a mask.

I should add that she can also be lovely at times, and is extremely generous, although of late I am seeing that side less & less.

I know she is in a bad place, but I just don't think I can take any more, for my own sake or that of my family around me who see me in this position.

I would! I know there are 2 sides to every story, but that last bit shows your sister is unreasonable.
Tricky as she might need support but you need to look after yourself first.

Well she sounds pretty crazy. I’d go as low contact as you’re possibly able to do whilst still maintaining care for your dad.

You don’t need that shit in your life. My god. What a manipulative shrew.

Is she an alcoholic? It seems like a lot of the problems happen when she is drinking? Can you support your dad without her help? Yanbu to not want her in your life.

I don't think she's an alcoholic, but alcohol definitely makes her more argumentative & aggressive. Just like our Dad really (who is an alcoholic) but has mellowed with age.

I second the question, is she an alcoholic? She reminds me very much of a family member of mine who is. A lot of the time when she kicks off or says awful things, she is pissed and genuinely can't remember so any attempt to talk about her behaviour ends in downright denial, gaslighting you and questioning your behaviour. It was exhausting. Now i don't engage at all, ever

I see a few similarities with your sister. If not, then she's just batshit

Poor you. You most definitely need a break from her. You sound exhausted and I'm not surprised.
If I were you, I would not respond to any social media posts, I think you said that you had. Only respond to texts with the information that you are tired and needing some rest and time for reflection in all aspects of your life.
That way, you are not putting her in the position of being able to blame you.
Any accusations, and you say you are not going to respond, you are taking a step back from the hamster-wheel of life to concentrate on getting back your energy.
No more explanations than that.
She can react. But you don't have to respond.
I wonder how her DH copes?
How old are her children now?
I ask as it seems like you post covered quite a timeline. It sounds like you have stood up to her and defended yourself against these accusations, if this hasn't done the trick, you need to put distance between the two you and explain why in mild but firm terms, as any anger from you will give her an axe to grind.
Remember, firm, and steady .

Yes, she could be drinking in secret and hiding the amounts, because to be honest from the things that occurred and forgetting things all the time, she does sound like she's pissed.

Definitely go low contact though.. she sounds too much to bear.

I haven’t read all of it because quite frankly, it’s really long. But what I read tells me your sister is an absolute fruit cake. I feel sorry for her child.

OP she sounds exhausting! Is she younger or older? Has she always been difficult? Could it be she is in someway jealous of you? It sounds like she’s punishing you and All I hear is that you have been bending yourself for years to ensure she can’t paint you as the villain - she is always going to do that anyway so leave her to it. If your LC then YOU will feel better, put your feelings first for once 💐

I thought she sounded very funny, loved the 'She came from my womb!' pronouncement but I can understand how she would be difficult to deal with. You sound like children brought up by alcoholics, really. Trying to keep the peace and people pleasing. Running around after your dad who 'can't do a thing for himself' because he can't be arsed and has had people running around him all his life while he got pissed.

I would keep my distance from her and do some reading on Adult Children.

Sometimes we need to send a clear message to those we love.

Sometimes, cutting off is the best thing for our sanity and mental health.

I think its wise.

I think it would be good to express the reasons why, tell her the ways her behaviour has affected you, tell her its not normal, tell her that you love her, that you are deeply concerned for her but that you're not going to sit around and let her be abusive towards you. She needs to sort herself out.

Tell her his is a last resort. You've tried to speaking to her and discussing with her. Nothing gets through.

Then when she's ready, when she's dealt with her issues, actively, then you can start to repair your relationship. But at the moment, your relationship is being damaged by her actions.

She sounds like she's struggling with some things. Goodness knows what but often, we take that shit out on our loved ones, particularly when we don't want to face it. And she has alot to face and take responsibility for.

You can even write letters and stuff to yiur sister and her family whilst you're not speaking, saying how much you missed them, things you've achieved in your own family etc.

I hope it works out OP. You sound like you need a break from her. And I hope she finds a way to mend herself.

No idea how her DH copes, but he always takes her side. When she shouted so much at me that I had a panic attack he was there and saw everything, and he still backed her up. He actually sent a text to my DH saying that it "hadn't gone down" in the way that I had said, and yet he would have had no idea what I had told my DH, so how could he possibly say that?

Kids are 7 & 4

She is 5 years younger than me.

She has always been aggressive, yes.

I think it would be good to express the reasons why, tell her the ways her behaviour has affected you, tell her its not normal, tell her that you love her, that you are deeply concerned for her but that you're not going to sit around and let her be abusive towards you. She needs to sort herself out

I typed an e-mail along these lines. She told me she does not want to read anything I send. So I haven't sent it.

Running around after your dad who 'can't do a thing for himself' because he can't be arsed and has had people running around him all his life while he got pissed

This is exactly what is now happening. He drinks heavily, sleeps loads, cannot do anything for himself, can't work his phone properly, can't do the internet any more, seems unable to understand any mail that comes through the door. Forgets stuff. I have to do an on-line food shop for him every week. He won't wear his hearing aid, so it takes forever on the phone to communicate what he wants me to order.

My sister does practical stuff for him, because he's only about 5 miles away from her, but she resents it deeply and until I blocked her, I was getting daily messages listing everything she had done for him, along with a lot of expletives and moans. She is quite rude to his face and from what he has said to me, she makes him feel foolish.

Regards the children, the parenting is odd. She can be shouting at them one minute, but then overly praising them the next. Very similar to my Dads parenting style when we were younger. Quite confusing really.

You have put up with a lot from her and I’m surprised you haven’t gone NC sooner. She’s batshit, and it can’t go on.

I have two siblings mentally ill-the most volatile sibling has both borderline and bipolar disorder-she has history of being unable to maintain relationships,explodes in anger and has been known to be removed from business premises if she is not on her medication. She is much,much better in peri menopause and when she's keeping appointments with her therapist-your sister sounds so much like her it's uncanny r/t our elderly parents! In the past I had to stay at low contact for my mental health. I advise you do as well

You have put up with far too much for too long.

Step away from the drama.

Thanks all. It's so hard isn't it? She's my sister and I love her, and I'm worried about her mental state. But the way that she speaks to me is so horrible (at times), that I'm left speechless. It was starting to make me feel ill.

At her end, I know that she will be blaming me right now for abandoning her at a critical time in her life, and I will 100% be the baddy in her head. She never doubts that she is in the right. I don't think for one moment that she will connect the dots and wonder why several friends have detached. They are wrong. She is right.

The thing is, even when I do lovely things, she finds the "wrong" angle. For example, one year I sent a lovely big bouquet of flowers for her birthday, and I know that she moaned to our Mum that it was so thoughtless, and she wished that she had a sister that bought "more thoughtful presents".

I did t read all the way through and already knew that NC is a good idea. Your sister can’t take responsibility for anything and resents you. Stay clear.

I think definitely she has alcohol problems. Until she sorts herself out then I would step away.

Although I would have to send one message detailing how her behaviour has affected you over the years and how it must affect her children. I would also mention her alcohol issues and maybe look to addressing them but until she does then to not contact you again.
I would also be not surprised that when your father passes whatever he owns will go to your sister.

She sounds like a high functioning alcoholic. They are great at hiding their drinking but every now & again, slip up & this sort of thing happens. She's obviously unhappy & you are the handy scapegoat. For your own sanity, go NC.

So what if she is your sister, she is making you feel ill with her viciousness.

Why is her right to be relentlessly awful to you greater than your right to a peaceful life.

I honestly can't understand any accepting this type of treatment because of a family connection.

Who cares if she blames you for everything?
You can never do anything right?
You are her emotional punching bag.

Stop focusing on her and ask yourself why YOU have accepted being treated so badly by her for so long.

It's not your job to fix her.

Look after yourself and your family and stay away from her and her husband who enables her and is just as bad.

What a toxic environment for your children to be around.

Think of YOUR children.
Your constant stressing of her will have had an affect on their lives.

Move on with your life.

She is a nasty bully, proven by the other people she has fell out with personally and in work.

You should completely go NC. She is damaging your health for gods sake. Take care of yourself

billy1966

So much of what you say there resonates with me. Especially the emotional punchbag bit and me having the right to a peaceful life. She has painted me as the villain of the piece for decades. Nothing I say or do will be right, so I just have to stop trying.

Regards my own children, they are adults, so no worries there really.

NC seems a bit extreme. LC for sure. I can see you don’t need all that stress.

One thing though - I think your response to her miscarriage was really not good (speaking as someone who has had several). What you say you said would have hurt me at a similar time. So I do wonder - ever so slightly - if some of your reactions to her are a bit insensitive/dismissive. That said, I could absolutely not be doing with all the drunken ranting. You are entirely in the right to want to put a stop to all that.

Good for you if you now decide to withdraw from her drama.

One thing though, don't think for a second your children are not aware of the poisonous dynamic with your sister.

No doubt they are well aware that you have put up with her bullshit for years.

Show them enough is enough.
Better still admit to them that you should have put a stop to this ridiculous cycle of abusive anger from her years ago.
Tell them you regret the years of stress that you put up with.

This would be good modeling for them.

Best of luck.