Would be very interested if anyone has had a friend, partner or sibling that behaves as my sister does. I have had to go NC after years of strange behaviour and I just have no idea what is wrong with her.
Some examples:
On my Mum's 70th birthday we all went away to a cottage (Mum, Dad, Me, DH, her, her DH and their toddler). Half way through the evening (after several drinks) she stood up and announced to the room that no-one in the world had any right to give her DD chocolate, because she “came from my womb”. She then said something negative about having to live close to the Grandparents (my Mum and Dad) to which my Mum got very upset. (she lives 5 mins from parents, I live 350 miles away due to work). By now, Sister was drunk and screaming, would not be quiet and the whole night was ruined. After this, she blamed me for the whole incident, saying that if I had been able to diffuse the situation, everything would have been fine (I tried).
I should mention at this point, that she has caused huge arguments at LOTS of family events, not just this one, but this felt worse as it was Mums 70th.
When she was 26 she got married to a guy that was a bit of a knob. On her hen night she had a bit of a wobble about the wedding, but was pissed. She now blames me for this wedding going ahead, and tells everyone that she was a vulnerable 23 y/o at the time, not 26. She also says that I left the day after the Hen do without a backward glance, but actually, I spent the whole day cleaning her house from top to bottom, because the stag do had ended up there, and everyone was on drugs and they trashed the place. When I remind her of this, she says she doesn't remember.
She gets annoyed that I can't attend her DD's birthday party every year. But I work for myself, and her DD's birthday is one of my busiest times of year, and I would have to cancel all my clients for at least 3 days, costing me £100's of pounds. I've managed twice to do it though, but logistically it was a nightmare. I always send expensive gifts though, call and sing happy birthday etc. She tells people that she came to all of my children's birthdays, but this isn't true, and even if it was, we only lived 35 minutes apart at that time, not 6 hours apart.
She says that I did not visit when her baby was born. Her baby was 22 days early, and my diary was packed full of clients. What we did do, is drive down the day before the baby's due date though. This happened to be my DH birthday, so he spent his birthday driving for 6 hours. We took lots of gifts etc. This is never acknowledged.
She told our Mum that when she had a miscarriage that my response was “Oh well. Summer babies are better anyway”. This is an out and out lie. What I actually said was something along the lines of being sure that she'd get pregnant again really quickly and will have a lovely baby by next summer.
Another time, when her DD was about 3, she accused me of only having seen her DD twice in her lifetime, and that on both occasions she had had to bring her DD to us. In fact, at that point we had seen her 10 times, and on 8 of those occasions we had done the travelling.
One time, we travelled down for her birthday. We met at a theme park, and then spent the night at her house. Once she was drunk, she accused me of being an alcoholic because I had had a cider with lunch. She then followed me around the house, and wouldn't let me go to bed. At one point she had me cornered in the bedroom. At 7am, I had to bundle the kids in to the car and leave, just to get away.
I offered to look after her DD in the school summer holidays. She replied that that wouldn't be happening because due to me moving away, her DD would not ever know me properly. She also said that if her and her DH died, that her DD would go to her friend, for the same reason. (This friend no longer talks to her btw)
Last year, I was caring for our ill Mum and she invited me to her house for dinner one night. She got drunk and said a few nasty things, but I just went to bed. She couldn't really stop me, as I was sleeping in her DD room. However, the next morning she started screaming in my face and doing the whole following me around the house thing – in front of the kids. I could feel my heart racing, so I tried to retaliate as little as possible, I packed my bag and left and went to my parents. I said how fast my heart was going, so Dad used his blood pressure machine on me, and the reading was so bad he called an ambulance. I thought this was a bit OTT, but when the paramedics arrived they said I absolutely had to go to hospital and I was blue lighted there. Tests were done, and I was told that I'd had a panic attack. Sister knows all of this and has never apologised. My DH was so worried, that he did a 12 hour round trip to bring me home.
Since our Mum has died, my sister and I have had to communicate lots about our Dad, as he is pretty useless. Even though I am far away, I have done hundreds of things for him, to set him up in his new life in a retirement village. I went down there and did loads of manual work, like clearing the loft, garage and shed of the family home before it sold, took stuff to charity shops etc. Because the messaging had increased, so had the opportunity for her to reprimand me over perceived things that I have done “wrong”. The messages have been so frequent (up to 30 a day) that it got to the point that when my phone pinged my heart rate would shoot up and I would get an adrenaline shot go through me. My adult DD who lives with us has seen the messages and has been telling me for months to stick up for myself, but in all honesty I was always trying to calm her down.
Anyway, cutting to a few weeks ago, our elderly Dad decided to cancel his cleaner, just until he has had his vaccinations for Covid (because the cleaner kept taking her mask off). Cleaner only came for 1 hour every fortnight, so was only doing the minimum of cleaning the loo, changing the bed and mopping the floor. Cue dozens of messages to me from her, moaning that she would not have time to clean his flat. I responded saying that if she didn't clean it, then perhaps he would realise he needed he cleaner and reinstate her (although I'd rather he didn't due to covid risk, but was trying to calm her down). Cue messages to me telling me that me and my DH are “Happy to let Dad hit rock bottom and live in filth etc”, and how “she would never allow that so she will do his cleaning”. I'm afraid something in that last message just blew me away, even though in reality she has said far worse in the past. And I withdrew and we didn't talk for 3 weeks. Yesterday I get a message all nicey nicey, asking me to facetime the kids, and almost inferring that I would be a bad Aunty if I don't.
I'm exhausted with it all. On top of all this, we have just found out that DH's dad has got cancer. When I mentioned this to her she was quite brusque, and said that Mum dying and DH dad having cancer aren't her fault.
I'm so flabbergasted that I have blocked her on every platform and realise that I just can't speak with her any more. I have messaged her DH to say that I am available at any time to speak to the kids. I did not tell him about anything else. Although I'm 100% sure that she will have given him her version of events painting me as the villain.
It is not just me that has withdrawn from her. She has lost at least 4 friends that I know of. Her DH's Aunt refuses to speak to her (don't know the details). She has also been disciplined at 2 separate work places for bullying, and in one case she was accused of “threatening to punch a female colleague in the face”. In one of these cases, I know that she was considering accusing a man of sexual harassment, even though this had not happened. She was ejected from a campsite a few years ago by management, for her behaviour (I don't know any more than this).
She has decided to appoint herself as the Covid police in supermarkets and has taken to shouting at shoppers if they don't wear a mask.
I should add that she can also be lovely at times, and is extremely generous, although of late I am seeing that side less & less.
I know she is in a bad place, but I just don't think I can take any more, for my own sake or that of my family around me who see me in this position.