To think there isn’t always plenty of fish in the sea?

[Hard2Find]

A friend recently ended her relationship with her dp. All of our friends where quick to tell her not to worry and that she would find a new partner in no time and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I hated this reaction. It seems to dismiss her upset at her relationship ending plus I feel in her case it’s just a lie. She is 30 years old with 4 kids (2 different dads). As lovely as she is, that’s a lot for someone new to take on. Her youngest child is only a baby. I know there are plenty of great men out there but surely it’s going to be a lot harder to date and find the right person in this situation?

Are there plenty of great single men out there? My friends who were dating pre Covid would disagree.

I think it gets harder to find “the right one” when you’ve got a lot of baggage , the pool gets smaller coz some men don’t want to take on baggage so maybe you have to become less fussy. There’s some nice men out there but there’s also a lot of wrong ones who target single women coz they can be vulnerable in some cases.
I don’t think it’s easy to find “the one” these days ,regardless of your situation .

Yabu.

People 'limit' their dating pools for all sorts of reasons.

By having children.

By body modification.
By being a smoker/drinker/drug smoker-taker.
By choosing to work certain jobs.
By living in certain locations (and choosing to remain there)

The older I get, the more I see certain types of decent men/women who are happy to couple with those who are already with children.

"Single with children" does not equal "failure".

There is education, money and success (in my circles).

Walking away from children and being a 'Deadbeat Dad' = failure

It is however somewhat dismissive of people to urge her to couple up quickly. Being single (single with children) can be absolutely awesome. And in many cases, the best outcome for some people.

A fair whack of men prefer to meet women with kids.
Ready made family, easy to get their feet under the table etc.
Women with kids seem to do a lot better in the dating game than single women without kids.

You are right

The more baggage you have the harder it is and the older you get

Most men (vast majority) want a younger women with no ties as much as we may try to kid ourselves just becuase our neighbours bests friends cousin has five children and has now met the perfect man who adores her

Sadly many women have low expectations in a relationships and many who tell me you will meet someone I think I would rather be single than be with someone like your dh/dp

There is plenty of fish out there. Whether it's an edible fish is a different question.

Just from a dating perspective I do think it is harder for single mothers to find new partners especially if they have more than one child and are not well off.
If you have money you can buy help and child care without you are reliant on family and favours.
If you do manage to date you then have to sift through those who think single mother equals desperate an are just looking for a quick shag.
Then if you do find the holy grail of a man who wants commitment he has to be not only willing to be a step parent but the kids also have to like him and want him as part of their family.
So yes I would say it is harder for a single parent of four no matter what age.

Most men (vast majority) want a younger women with no ties as much as we may try to kid ourselves just becuase our neighbours bests friends cousin has five children and has now met the perfect man who adores her

Most men (Professional and personal) in my circles couple up with women who are roughly the same age (perhaps 1-5 years younger at most) or older. And I work in male dominated field so have many samples to field.

The beta males may dick around, but the blokes and alphas don't.

Yes I think it depends on circumstances ,my sister split up with her husband of over 20 years a couple of years ago ,her son's are 18 and 16 so not little kids at college fairly independent etc ,she's been in a new relationship for nearly a year ,her new boyfriend has two daughters in their 20,s ,so neither of them are tied down in the way they may have been if their kids were much younger .

Edible fish. Yeah. Not many edible fish.

Well it depends really. I split up with my husband 15 years ago and have been single since (have 2 teen/adult children) , not even 1 date, haven't even been asked on a date. I refuse to do online dating though, and it's just about impossible to meet anyone the good old fashioned way.

I hate the whole 'plenty more fish' line. Its almost the implication that a relationship is a must and that contentment on your own is unusual. It is of course nice to have a person to share things with but does it need to be a significant other? I'm afraid I'm not articulating myself very well.

Perhaps she doesn't need or want another fish just now... As she's 30 with four children maybe her first priority isn't and doesn't need to be a man...

I never found there were plenty of fish tbh

You're correct Proud.

Shagging for couples, or singles is easy when childcare is in place. Shagging as a single parent can be completely compartmentalised away from the children.

Many single parents are the prize, and many would do well to understand that, and be more discerning whom they let in their lives.

Hallowed

You're making perfect sense.

I honestly think it varies from person to person. Dating gets harder as you get older anyway regardless of if you have kids or not - as you have a clearer idea of who you want to meet, and don’t have the time to mess around in the same way you did when you were younger with no responsibilities.

Some women will be more discerning and not suffer any fools because theyre not interested in meeting anyone who isn’t right for them at this stage, but then others only feel comfortable when they’re in a relationship and may ‘settle’ for a less than great guy because of it.

I think the ‘plenty of fish’ response is quite a common one when someone breaks up with their partner. Partly just because people don’t always know what to say but want to be reassuring. But the fact is it’s fine to be single for a bit and spend time on yourself and your children and then if a nice man slots into that life, great, but it’s not the most important thing (I know that’s easier said than done, and having the financial/childcare/emotional support of another person can make things much easier).

Is that after their divorces PurpleHoodie

Certainly not my experience or friends (and have also worked in male dominated environments with plenty of alpha males)

Few separated/divorced women in their late 30’s or 40’s that I know have met with a similar aged divorced man and are now in a secure relationship. Many divorced men I know are with younger women especially those who have a bit more money

@x2boys

Yes I think it depends on circumstances ,my sister split up with her husband of over 20 years a couple of years ago ,her son's are 18 and 16 so not little kids at college fairly independent etc ,she's been in a new relationship for nearly a year ,her new boyfriend has two daughters in their 20,s ,so neither of them are tied down in the way they may have been if their kids were much younger .

I think your right and having older grown up children would make it much easier

No Why.

These are primary (non divorced) relationships AND post break up relationships.

Three men I'm working with atm for example.

The divorced 31 year old I'd desperate to settle down. He's looking at 25-30 year olds, no children.

The divorced 49 year old. New relationship. A lady slightly older. Older children (teens/20s) He prefers a woman who has/has had children.

Single man. 34. Looking for a women his age "Prefers women who are mums as the single women he meets are childish". "She must be a professional/ambitious"

I'm somewhat of an 'aunty' 'mother hen' at work at times. I get everyone's life wants/confessions.

Where are these great men. I've not found any!

The Home counties Toddler

Prefers women who are mums yes I have met these men they to want to be mothered to, ready made family and home

Apart from one of my friends all their ex’s have ended up with younger single women and now some have second families (doubt this was the long term plan for some of them now they have to juggle two families)

I am not saying there are not any men just they are few and far between or ones worth bothering with that’s why so many women are single mothers

There is a difference between Co-parents and single parents.

Single parents (of both sexes) may consist of:

Widows/widowers.

Those left by "dead-beat dads"

Self-selected single parents (Natural/adoptive/foster)

There are plenty of fish in the sea, sure, but the good ones have lady fish already. Or they like other boy fish instead.

Logically, in your 30's or older, the men left in the pool are the ones who didn't manage to couple up, or who have done and split. If you've just split yourself, the fish you just left is back in the pool...thats whats out there, him and many like him.

Tbh though, if you're only 30 and you already have 4 kids with 2 men, I would say dating should be low on the list of priorities anyway.