Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need to have a come to Jesus talk with codependent parent?

47 replies

Willow79 · 01/02/2021 20:29

I'm almost 30 and struggling with my mum's controlling needy nature. She has always been like this and her parent was the same way. I know she loves me a lot but she is becoming so dependent on me and I cant stand it.

She has been single for some years now. She occasionally goes on holiday with a friend but other than that since I split from my ex she looks to me to fill that gap.

Last year she booked a holiday house without telling me. Months later she told me she had done it and made it clear she hoped I would go on the trip with her. I find this very strange behaviour. Why not ask me before booking?

Another time I had signed up to go to an artists festival my peers were going to. She booked a room at a nearby hotel for both of us...we had a nice time but in reality I'm a single woman and might have had the chance to meet someone if I hadnt been with her.

Lastly - I have been visited a friend abroad for years. Because I've talked about the place for so long, my mother also decided to go. She went with a friend & now whenever I say I'm thinking about going to stay with my friend again she asks to come with me. Once I said no she got so angry she wouldn't speak to me for hours.

I think she is lonely and depressed and looks to me to fill that social gap. I feel the resentment growing in me. I am still a youngish woman and while I want to spend time with her, I do not want to be joined at the hip with my other.

AIBu to broach the subject with her? But how without a huge fall out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow79 · 01/02/2021 20:33

I suppose I feel she treats me like a husband or partner/expects me to fill that gap

I am not willing to do that and think I will meet serious resistance and arguments from her in future. I could do with some advice on how to approach this while keeping the relationship.

OP posts:
WaveOverMe · 01/02/2021 20:39

Sounds absolutely suffocating. Are you an only child?

Have you heard of the grey rock technique? Someone else will be able to describe it better than I can, but essentially you need to stop feeding the beast. Stop telling her your plans, then she can't commandeer them as her own.

Original poster
Willow79 · 01/02/2021 20:42

@WaveOverMe I am! Nightmare.

Isn't grey rock no contact? I'm not willing to do that. I do enjoy her company a couple of times a month usually.

But she is being unreasonable and I am not sure how to tackle this without it sounding like 'I don't want to spend time with you' and her taking huge offence

OP posts:
Maria1982 · 01/02/2021 20:47

I don’t think there is really a way to do this without causing offence, at least temporarily

You need to tell her what level of contact you want, and then if makes unwanted suggestions keep calmly declining them. From what you’ve said she may not react well to this but I don’t really see another way.

Alternatively you can start not telling her about stuff in your life so she doesn’t know, but really, how tedious is that? I mean imagine not saying anything for months when you are planning a holiday ...

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2021 20:50

Sorry, op, but you're an adult and need to put your hard hat on. If your mother has a tantrum because you say no to her, then that's what happens, and you ignore such childish behaviour. You are not responsible for her emotions or reactions. You also need to stop telling her every detail of your life because she clearly has zero sense of proper boundaries, therefore you have to set boundaries and enforce them.

If she makes holiday plans without consulting you, you do not go. You can't enable her by giving in. Your mother is clearly incapable of cutting the cord so that means you have to.

ItsDinah · 01/02/2021 20:51

It might help if you take the initiative. Decide how much time & when you want to spend time with her and propose trips to her. Are you in a job with regular set holidays such as schoolteaching? If not, you could say you can't get e.g. a week off to go to holiday house but can she come to yours for weekend for theatre visit or whatever. Is there an y other family member in her generation who might be a good companion for her? If so,you might ask them along on a trip and see if that takes off. Final suggestion is that you slow down on taking/returning any calls and messages. She'll complain but it can work as a gradual process weaning her off the idea that you are always available.

Didiusfalco · 01/02/2021 20:55

Well grey rock is about resisting manipulation by being the most uninteresting version of yourself. So I think in the case of her booking the holiday without telling you, you might say ‘I’m sorry I don’t want to do that’ and then repeat without being drawn in by emotional blackmail, anger etc. Just calm and dull. Probably works best with someone who thrives on the drama - which may not be your mum.

AnnaMagnani · 01/02/2021 20:55

I just cut down the contact to what I wanted it helped that I have having therapy

It did cause a lot of hurt but fundamentally we both still wanted a relationship, just I wanted a different one.

We got there in the end but both of us needed to change.

So to use your last example - you have both been on holiday to the same place, you have a friend there. I'd have reminisced together about how lovely it was but only told her I was going again in terms of 'my friend has invited me in June'. If she asked to come, I'd have been clear it was me only. So angry she couldn't speak to me for hours - how can you tell if you only call every week?

Thankfully this is long in the past and neither of us behave like this anymore but there was a time I had to be v clear on my boundaries and that I didn't send a mixed message.

katy1213 · 01/02/2021 20:56

Surely it's easy enough to keep your holiday plans vague and don't tell her until you get home? Or at least don't mention it until after you've booked.

Thedarknightsarelifting · 01/02/2021 20:59

What age is your mum?

DynamoKev · 01/02/2021 21:00

Sorry, missing something - where is Jesus in all this?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2021 21:02

Jesus?

Vivi0 · 01/02/2021 21:03

Sorry, op, but you're an adult and need to put your hard hat on. If your mother has a tantrum because you say no to her, then that's what happens, and you ignore such childish behaviour. You are not responsible for her emotions or reactions

I agree with this.

You want to set boundaries without a fall out. But you cannot control how your mother chooses to react.

So, there very well may be a fall out, and you need to be prepared for that.

The alternative is becoming the companion your mother wants you to be.

Sparticle · 01/02/2021 21:06

Another one asking about how Jesus fits into this?

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 01/02/2021 21:14

I agree about telling her less about the details of your life. Keep things vague, or just lie and invent a hobby that theres no way she could join in on eg fresh water swimming or going to raves or something that she hates that she wont want to join. Be unavailable if she makes plans without asking you. Make plans with friends in advance and then run out of holiday etc to spend a main break with her but compromise on a weekend away instead. Or talk to her and say you're worried she is becoming too reliant on you, its not good if something happens to you or you have to move with work or something and you want her to be happy and fulfilled with her own circle of friends with similar interests. Could you encourage her to join clubs based around hobbies or interests that she enjoys? And maybe even attend with her post covid for a first meeting or couple til she is more confident going herself? Suggest she does some volunteering? Do you know any other older people in the same position that could take her under their wing?

Slippy78 · 01/02/2021 21:17

What does Jesus have to do with this?

Original poster
Willow79 · 01/02/2021 21:20

She is mid 50s. I feel she is far too young to be reliant on me now, I might have expected it more at 75! It scares me a bit honestly.

I have a hobby that all of my friends and family know about. This is because it involves performance and they come to my events etc - so I cant really hide this. But I dont need to tell her everything about my other hobbies which are now non existent but I hope that will change when lockdown ends.

I think we might fall out at first. I hope not but I think she will take it personally. I am not willing to be the 'companion' she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow79 · 01/02/2021 21:21

Also sorry everyone but I thought 'come to jesus' was a well known idiom - www.dictionary.com/e/slang/come-to-jesus/#:~:text=Outside%20religious%20contexts%2C%20come%20to,change%20in%20character%20or%20behavior.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow79 · 01/02/2021 21:22

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken before lockdown she had one main hobby. She asked me to accompany her to it a few times but I said no. It only took up one night a week but at least it was something.

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 01/02/2021 21:26

Surprised by how many people have not heard of the come to Jesus phrase ! It is common OP!

DynamoKev · 01/02/2021 21:27

[quote Willow79]Also sorry everyone but I thought 'come to jesus' was a well known idiom - www.dictionary.com/e/slang/come-to-jesus/#:~:text=Outside%20religious%20contexts%2C%20come%20to,change%20in%20character%20or%20behavior.[/quote]
Well that's a new one on me - it's from the US.

DynamoKev · 01/02/2021 21:28

@Hyppogriff

Surprised by how many people have not heard of the come to Jesus phrase ! It is common OP!
Maybe an age thing.
TrappedAndDepressed · 01/02/2021 21:28

Come to Jesus - offensive.

Mudmudingloriousmud · 01/02/2021 21:29

Op I've said yabu because obviously you can't feel happy socially with your mum.
Your mum however feels happy with you.
Is there any way you can re frame the relationship?....

As context, I would have loved to go away with my mum, enjoyed going out with her and I must say... She was very jolly and social and I actually did meet men when single and out with her 😁. I was quite shy but she would chat to anyone and was very warm.

My mum did like a drink however and was funny and sociable. I also didn't mind going to see my friends with her and my friends also thought highly of her.

It's hard if you cannot get on with her at this level.

Be kind... Help her find other activities to do in a kind way... Or go on some group activity where she might meet other friends.

I'm can't see anything wrong with her wanting to spend time with you, unless she's toxic and nasty and harms you emotionally ...

Let her down gently....

TrappedAndDepressed · 01/02/2021 21:29

Don't you have your own atheist term to use?