To think I need to have a come to Jesus talk with codependent parent?

[Willow79]

I'm almost 30 and struggling with my mum's controlling needy nature. She has always been like this and her parent was the same way. I know she loves me a lot but she is becoming so dependent on me and I cant stand it.

She has been single for some years now. She occasionally goes on holiday with a friend but other than that since I split from my ex she looks to me to fill that gap.

Last year she booked a holiday house without telling me. Months later she told me she had done it and made it clear she hoped I would go on the trip with her. I find this very strange behaviour. Why not ask me before booking?

Another time I had signed up to go to an artists festival my peers were going to. She booked a room at a nearby hotel for both of us...we had a nice time but in reality I'm a single woman and might have had the chance to meet someone if I hadnt been with her.

Lastly - I have been visited a friend abroad for years. Because I've talked about the place for so long, my mother also decided to go. She went with a friend & now whenever I say I'm thinking about going to stay with my friend again she asks to come with me. Once I said no she got so angry she wouldn't speak to me for hours.

I think she is lonely and depressed and looks to me to fill that social gap. I feel the resentment growing in me. I am still a youngish woman and while I want to spend time with her, I do not want to be joined at the hip with my other.

AIBu to broach the subject with her? But how without a huge fall out?

@Hyppogriff

Surprised by how many people have not heard of the come to Jesus phrase ! It is common OP!

Never heard of it.

She is only a few years older than me 😳😳😳😳😳 geez I plan to inflict myself on other people not my children!!!

never heard that term in my life and I'm 50!

She's very young.. Do you think she could meet someone? Is her confidence an self esteem ok?.

Once I said no she got so angry she wouldn't speak to me for hours.

How frequently do you speak that you could even notice she was ignoring you for a few hours?

I'm not sure how effective it would be to "confront" her if this is the pattern of a lifetime. It's difficult. I would focus on changing my own behaviour, saying no if she proposes something that crosses my boundaries, trying not to be so invested in her reactions.

She can't control your life decisions and you can't control her emotions.

Do you feel guilty that she's lonely/depressed? Is that what drives your resentment?

@Mudmudingloriousmud jolly and social would not describe her

She is quite moody and not very easy to get along with at times. Other times we will spend a perfectly nice weekend together and have a few laughs. She is unpredictable.

What do you mean by re-frame the relationship?

You might be right @starch23. She is very stubborn and I think she is unlikely to change now.

Recently she asked me my plans on something, I asked her why (I knew she was only asking to criticise my plan and offer a 'better' one). I told her I had it all under control/didnt tell her more details and she got annoyed, saying we are only having a conversation, why can't you just tell me!

As for meeting someone...never say never, but I think it is unlikely. She isnt the easiest person to get along with. She is very sociable with strangers but struggles with long term relationships.

@ghostyslovesheets

never heard that term in my life and I'm 50!

I'm 58 and I hadn't - my guess is younger people have heard of it because they seem to be swamped by US idioms and cultural norms.

Before anyone has a go at me for anti-Americanism, I'm not - just reporting a perception. If I was younger I'd probably know a lot of these US-terms.

I have quite a few American friends fyi - it may be that more than anything else. Rubbing off on me!

[quote Willow79]Also sorry everyone but I thought 'come to jesus' was a well known idiom - www.dictionary.com/e/slang/come-to-jesus/#:~:text=Outside%20religious%20contexts%2C%20come%20to,change%20in%20character%20or%20behavior.[/quote]
It is!

It is!
Obviously not, or it wouldn't have been queried so much.

Your mum needs to realise that you have your own life to live and she needs to respect that and get on with hers. It's just doing that firmly but gently that's the tricky bit.
If she tried to tag along on your holiday to visit your friend, act clueless and say something like, but why would you want to come and spend all that time on your own? I'll be staying with X and they only have one spare room so you'll just be in a hotel by yourself all the time. If she has to explain it out loud then she might realise how ridiculous it is. If she tried to tag along with friends or whatever, question her with a laugh, but what will you do while I'm catching up with my friends/doing my hobby/going on a date?
Nipping it in the bud sooner rather than later is crucial here I think as the longer this goes on, the more it'll become the norm and the harder it'll be to undo.

I've also got a parent who was widowed in their mid-sixties and showed signs of wanting me to become their default companion, though I live far away. I had to be pretty determined about setting boundaries, and it took time, but it did work, and (what do you know) they did in the end find their own activities and friends, and I was able to settle on a contact pattern that I could reliably maintain with love and good humour.

I'd suggest sometimes not being available until a date after the one she suggests, so she gets used to slightly rarer meetings. I would also suggest you being busy lots of the time (even if it's just with a bath or an audiobook or a jigsaw - she doesn't have to know that) and feel free to say (great MN phrase) 'that doesn't work for me', or, 'that doesn't fit in with my plans' BUT why don't we....[suggestion of alternative activity that you like to do with her on a date that suits you].

Your life is your own. She is responsible for living her own life. Keep in touch with her, but on your terms, and ignore it if she's passive aggressive or self-pitying or resentful about it. Don't be afraid to sometimes feel selfish - I felt huge guilt at times for maintaining boundaries with my parent, but in the longer term it was to both of our benefit.

Only child here 👋

What really helped me was to have designated “special time” we’d go on a holiday or to a thing and then pretty much the next day I’d be booked on to the thing I wanted to do alone. It really helped. Plus she got better at developing her own network.

Good luck

Well into my 50's and that is an expression I have heard for years.

OP,
Your mother is being selfish.
You will have to be firm.
Do not tell her so much.

Decide how often you would like to meet up and be unavailable otherwise.

If she has a tantrum, that really is on her.

Do not waste these years feeling that you have to socialise excessively with your mother, causing you to miss out on normal opportunities with friends.

This is your time

You sound fond of her which is great but that doesn't mean she gets to appropriate your social life.

Encourage her to take up new interests, but if she chooses not to, that is down to her.

My mum can be a bit like this sometimes OP- l feel guilty cos my dad died and she was widowed before most of her friends so if l tell her l am going away she gets stroppy and says l have always wanted to go there . My sister is tue same so l say to them go together! Have got to the point now where l tell white lies - eg if l have arranged to go away with my friend l tell them she invited me so they can't try and gate crash. So awks.

That sounds really hard. You need to stop sharing things with her and telling her your plans.

If you want to go on holiday book it, don’t tell her, then just go on it. Send her a postcard or call her from the airport so she doesn’t worry about you.

You do need to have a chat with her to make her understand. Break the link now or you’ll be stuck like this forever, and resentful if you don’t meet anyone.

Plenty of people are close friends with their parents and see lots of them, but it needs to work for both of you. Keep the twice monthly visits (assuming they’re covid rules compliant) so she doesn’t feel dropped or lonely, but stop over sharing. Explain you need your own life, space, friends and suggest she tries new hobbies and to make new friends.

Don’t feel guilty, and don’t backtrack if she throws a tantrum or if her attempts at making new friends don’t instantly work out.

I’ve also never heard of that phrase!

@VestaTilley it has only become a major issue for me over the past year. I previously lived far away and while she knew things about my life, she didn't know all the details, nor did she seem to want to.

If it comes to it I think I'll have to explain that I was quite happy with the contact etc we had at that time and although it is nice to see more of her now, I fear I cant offer the type of close relationship she wants from me.

I am hoping this situation will calm down once life starts to open up again. I plan on being very, very busy with my life once I'm allowed out!

Come to Jesus?!?! What the f?!?!?!

I'm 'not old' and have never heard of it. As a Christian, I thought you meant a literal 'come to Jesus' talk - I think it's a horrible expression to use otherwise so perhaps people could consider not using it, whether it's something they've heard of for ages or not?

@Sparticle

I'm 'not old' and have never heard of it. As a Christian, I thought you meant a literal 'come to Jesus' talk - I think it's a horrible expression to use otherwise so perhaps people could consider not using it, whether it's something they've heard of for ages or not?

I can see how it would be offensive to Christians. Ironic it's from the US where Christianity is so much part of the culture. Although I'm an atheist I grew up in a Christian tradition so I try not deliberately offend anyone's religion even though I'm not a fan of religion in general.