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Original poster

Am I being ungrateful?

35 replies

Fluffyhood · 01/02/2021 18:30

My DM would do anything for anyone, she helps me out loads in many ways and always has. I have mostly been a single parent since I moved out years ago and I've never had cash to splash so she has helped financially in many ways (to help me buy xmas presents, buying clothes for my DC, days out for my DC that I couldn't afford alone etc) she has also always offered things she doesnt want from her own home to me so for example my home has got lampshades she didn't want, curtains she was getting rid of etc, part of me thinks she buys them intentionally for me but then tries to pass it off as something she brought and didn't like but anyway I am always more than grateful even though my home ends up being decorated by her choices and none of my own lol.

But now I am with a partner and we have moved in together and he has mentioned a few things that have made me realise my DM is still treating me as though I live on my own and she is making decisions on curtains/furniture that me and my partner should be making and although I am massively grateful, my DP is going to end up getting annoyed as I've tried to tell my DM she can stop buying/looking at things and she hasnt listened.
She literally sends me pics of things on fb marketplace constantly saying do you want this, am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/02/2021 18:34

Exactly what decisions is she making on on curtains/furniture?

Also, did you move in together or has he moved in with you?

luxxlisbon · 01/02/2021 18:35

So your partner is upset that your mum offers you curtains or they are upset that you take them?
I hardly think she is trying to make decisions that should be making just by offering you something she came across or something she doesn't need anymore. If you don't like the stuff or don't want it for whatever reason then don't accept it.

TheChip · 01/02/2021 18:42

No you are not being ungrateful. My parents were like this for a long time. Helping me out so much that they kind of felt it was their duty, I think.
It got to the point where they would be offended if I said no to things and respond with "well we are only trying to help" and it would make me feel like I was being ungrateful.

To not feel needed by your child must be quite difficult. Maybe you could say something like "I need x and I'd prefer it this colour. Do you want to help me find some like that?" When you're decorating. That way she still feels like she is helping, only you're the one picking the style etc.

Summersun2020 · 01/02/2021 18:43

She doesn’t sound overbearing at all, she sounds kind and lovely. She’s offering and you’re free to say no. Sorry OP but you sound really ungrateful. If you partner gets annoyed that’s weird.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/02/2021 18:46

I don't think you're being ungrateful, but I do think your mum has got into the habit of doing it, so may not realise it's a bit inappropriate now you have a live-in partner.

I wouldn't like it if my MIL was picking things out for my house!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/02/2021 18:47

@Summersun2020

She doesn’t sound overbearing at all, she sounds kind and lovely. She’s offering and you’re free to say no. Sorry OP but you sound really ungrateful. If you partner gets annoyed that’s weird.
Would you really be totally okay with your MIL picking out all the furniture and decorations for your house?
Original poster
Fluffyhood · 01/02/2021 18:51

@worraliberty she brought round some old curtains of hers for the living room as we didn't have any, she literally just walked in and hung them up and said oh they look perfect lol. We needed a new fridge and she trawled the fb sites and sent me loads of pics until I chose one, she is making some net curtains for some rooms as she thinks they need them, came round and measured up the windows. If I say no to anything she offers I have to explain why I dont want it which is why most of the time I've always accepted things from her.

We moved into a new house together, but he was living with parents previously so most of the house stuff is mine ( cast off's from my mum already)

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 01/02/2021 18:54

It's a habit of a lifetime for your mum so give her a chance to adjust. When she offers something just say you've already seen some you like and your DP is buying them with his next pay check, or just no I don't need a new one of those at the moment thanks.

And your partner needs to lighten up a bit, my mums always offering me stuff, fortunately she knows we have completely different tastes.

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2021 18:55

If I say no to anything she offers I have to explain why I dont want it which is why most of the time I've always accepted things from her.

OK but you've accepted her help for so long, why don't you explain why you don't want it anymore.

Perhaps it does need explaining?

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2021 18:55

sunflowersandbuttercups this is not the OP's MIL.

Original poster
Fluffyhood · 01/02/2021 18:57

@summersun2020 I've never been and still am not ungrateful for the things she does, it's just my partners comments of 'where do I get any say in some of these things' etc have made me wonder if she has just gotten into a habit of helping me and doesnt know how to stop.
I've made jokey comments that she doesnt need to do so much/spend her money on things that me and my partner should be buying, I'd rather she keep the money and treat herself.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 18:59

She's never been able to stop looking after you, not even when you moved out and had kids as you needed her. Suddenly you've moved a guy in and you don't need her money or her support because you have a man
That's normal, but understand it's going to take some adjustments and to do it gently. Of he leaves, who will be there bailing you out?

So if she offers something, say thanks and you'll talk to your partner about it. Tell her how grateful you are for everything she's done but with your partner paying half the bills you, you're financially ok and you're glad she's finally able to treat herself more.

Lock the front door if you don't want her walking in. Mil does in the day, since I had too many babies to answer it but certainly by tea time I lock it

Wean your Mom down. If she's used to being there 7 days and now the new partner says he wants her to visit once a fortnight, it isn't just about him. What do you want? What about the kids?

Freddiefox · 01/02/2021 18:59

I wouldn’t want to live with someone whose mum chooses our curtains. I think you need to speak to her, and show her how grateful you were. But now you are in a different place.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 01/02/2021 19:00

If you had perfectly good curtains and she replaced them - that would be odd and overbearing.
If you have none, and she offers you some, that's helpful. You now have some temporary ones until you can afford to replace them with what you want.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/02/2021 19:01

@WorraLiberty

sunflowersandbuttercups this is not the OP's MIL.
Yes, I know that.

But from the partners point of view, he lives with his girlfriend, yet his future MIL is picking out all the furniture.

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2021 19:01

When things like the curtains happen say great they will door the time being until we have chosen what we want and so on. If you don't want nets tell her you don't want them as you are going for a different look. She sounds kind and thinks she is helping and it has become a habits of her but now your partner does need a say too.

luxxlisbon · 01/02/2021 19:03

It sounds like this could potentially be your partner feeling inadequate financially? In the case of the curtains you said you actually had none, were you about to buy some and pick them with your partner or did you guys not have the money for any yet? If the situation is you literally don't have things and your mum is just trying to give you something to use in the meantime then your partner is being unreasonable.

If you and your partner are able to buy your own stuff and your mum refuses to listen when you say you don't want them then she is being unreasonable. Although it does sound like you just say yes to her for ease, which isn't helping because if you keep accepting things then she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2021 19:07

sunflowersandbuttercups ahh of course sorry. I get what you mean.

OP, you need to stop 'jokingly' saying things.

Sit her down and tell her you're beyond grateful for all the help and support over the years, but now you and your DP are going to take over.

If you can, perhaps involve her by way of sending her a few links/pics of things your considering buying and ask for her opinions...just so she's not feeling left out.

GameSetMatch · 01/02/2021 19:09

He would rather have no curtains than accept your Mums??

Darkstar4855 · 01/02/2021 19:14

He gets a say when he is buying the stuff! Why don’t you choose some things to buy together?

louise4754 · 01/02/2021 19:20

Why do you want the stuff when you're single but not when you have a partner?

If you split would you still want your mum to buy the stuff?

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/02/2021 19:23

I've made jokey comments that she doesnt need to do so much/spend her money on things that me and my partner should be buying, I'd rather she keep the money and treat herself.
This is the problem. You shouldn't joke about it. Have a serious talk and tell your mum that your DP feels he doesn't get a say in things and that, although you are really grateful, now that DP lives there too, you need to make choices with him now you are building a home together.

I think it is probably a habit, borne of love, but you need to build your home with DP now. Obviously that doesn't mean excluding her from your life, just from choosing and buying furnishings etc.

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2021 19:29

Does your DP have the cash to buy what’s needed? If not, he will have to make do with what your mum gives unless he wants bare windows etc.

HappygoesLucy · 01/02/2021 19:37

Um you haven't told her you don't want the things she buys/makes for you and are welcoming everything she does for you. Why on earth would she stop? Tell her to stop and she probably will? Is it really so hard to work that out Hmm

Titterofwit · 01/02/2021 19:59

I would expect your partner to be contributing to furnishing the new house and when he does you can tell your Mum all about how excited you both are to go and choose your own things.
Once she sees that you can stand on your own two feet she will likely taper off her help in the form of actual items She may still want to offer her advice though but again she can be weaned off that if you are sensible.
She sounds like a very good Mum to you and to call the things she has furnished your house for you with as cast -offs is offensive.
Sounds like she has helped you to have a comfortable home once and is continuing at least until you show signs of taking over yourselves.