Am I being ungrateful?

[Fluffyhood]

My DM would do anything for anyone, she helps me out loads in many ways and always has. I have mostly been a single parent since I moved out years ago and I've never had cash to splash so she has helped financially in many ways (to help me buy xmas presents, buying clothes for my DC, days out for my DC that I couldn't afford alone etc) she has also always offered things she doesnt want from her own home to me so for example my home has got lampshades she didn't want, curtains she was getting rid of etc, part of me thinks she buys them intentionally for me but then tries to pass it off as something she brought and didn't like but anyway I am always more than grateful even though my home ends up being decorated by her choices and none of my own lol.

But now I am with a partner and we have moved in together and he has mentioned a few things that have made me realise my DM is still treating me as though I live on my own and she is making decisions on curtains/furniture that me and my partner should be making and although I am massively grateful, my DP is going to end up getting annoyed as I've tried to tell my DM she can stop buying/looking at things and she hasnt listened.
She literally sends me pics of things on fb marketplace constantly saying do you want this, am I being ungrateful?

We've been living together for nearly a year now, the curtain situation is that there were curtains in the house when we moved in but not to our taste, my partner mentioned what type/colour he would prefer and we said we would look for some when we had the time and money. But she came over and changed them to a spare pair she had at home. They were perfectly nice just not to my partners taste if he was to choose and as we already had some there wasn't any rush for my DM to change them.

@louise4754 it's not that I dont want it now that I have a partner but she is basically making decisions that couples make together when they have a home. I try to see it from the other way and if my partners DM was doing the same I'd feel like I was being pushed out of decisions.
I've never expected any of what she does for me which is why I am always grateful and always will be, I'm trying to find a middle ground where my partner doesn't feel like she's taking over but where she can still feel helpful as I know she loves to help out.

I think it's just the habit your DM developed while helping you out and she is still adjusting to the new situation.
I will explain it to your new partner and hopefully, he will understand that your DM will eventually adjust to it after doing those things for so many years.If you can,speak to your DM about your and your partner's feelings as well.Maybe it is not quite clear yet to her that you want to make decisions about your home decor yourself from now on.

I'll just give quick examples of what she has brought/given us in the past year.
Curtains for downstairs, lampshades for the living room, small unit for the living room, garden table and chair, sun lounger, umbrella, duvets for both my DC's, new bed & fridge found on fb, towels, bathroom mats, pictures for the walls, kitchen accessories, clothes for the DC the list goes on.
Some has been stuff she says she was getting rid of (i always offer her money) and others she has brought and declined when I say I'll pay her.
The thing is anything I mention we need or are going to buy she jumps in and has brought it before we have chance. I try not to mention things anymore but she is in and out of our home (childcare bubble) and if something is broken or whatever she'll be like oh you need a new one of those I'll keep an eye out.

I feel like she really likes a project. And for so long she has had you as that project. It’s the perfect combination of looking after you and having a hobby that has a sense of achievement.

Does she have any other leisure activities, hobbies, or social things (pre Covid too)?

@sunflowersandbuttercups but the op can say no and doesn’t??!
Op if you want to buy your own stuff then decline your mums offer and buy your own stuff. Seems it was fine her forking out when it suited you. You’re free to say no 🤷🏼‍♀️

[quote Summersun2020]@sunflowersandbuttercups but the op can say no and doesn’t??!
Op if you want to buy your own stuff then decline your mums offer and buy your own stuff. Seems it was fine her forking out when it suited you. You’re free to say no 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
Oh, I agree she should say no.

But she's said her mum has just walked in in the past and started hanging up curtains! That's so far over any kind of boundary I know of.

OP, I think you need to sit Mum down with a cup of coffee and be very open with her. Tell her you've really appreciated her helping you out with furniture and stuff over the years and couldn't have managed without her, but it's different now you're with Billy Bob as you want to furnish your house together and choose your own things. If she still doesn't get it then say it makes Billy Bob feel uncomfortable so please don't bring any more stuff over. Smile sweetly and say, another coffee, Mum?

Your mum sounds lovely, but you need to stop oversharing the details of your life.
If I needed a new fridge or curtains, I'd do the grown-up thing of just going out and getting them. She really doesn't need to be this involved.

Can you bit tell her you and DP would like to choose curtains, lampshades, etc together as it's your first home together.

I can understand how your DP feels.

Do tell your mum you appreciate her help, but it's just nice and something you've been looking forward to doing with your DP.

If she's reasonable, she'll understand this, without feeling upset about it.

Typo

^can you not tell her