Should I respond to his messages?

[Happycat1212]

My ex will text me once a week to ask how our children are but he doesn’t ask to see them and has only seen them once in 3 months, I usually respond to his messages and just tell him they are fine and he says that’s good or ok, it never goes beyond that as I don’t ask him any questions back and He doesn’t ask anything else, and then that will be it till the next week. I respond thinking he may ask to see them so it would be wrong not to respond but he doesn’t ask but still texts once a week or so to check how they are, I feel more like he is a “pen pal” rather than a dad, he does no parenting what so ever and I haven’t had a break this entire time. He doesn’t ask to speak to them personally and they are not old enough to have their own phones. Should I just stop responding to his messages when he isn’t actually asking to see them?

Why don’t you say “ when are you coming to see them?” Or “ you need to speak to them” and see what he says rather than passively waiting for him to say something. If he doesn’t want to then I would tell him that a weekly text message doesn’t qualify as parenting and you’ll be happy to answer his questions when he steps up and actually parents his own children.

I don’t ask him to see them anymore, I did in the beginning but he would make excuses so I’ve stopped asking now, I’m not going to keep begging him to see them but I don’t know if I should just stop responding full stop

I would just reply one last time saying, that if he's interested in their well being he can come and see them or speak to them, otherwise stop messaging. I hope he's at least financially supporting them

I would be inclined to just say ‘why’ and leave it at that.

But to be honest I would say you will be no longer replying as he no longer choose to see them. Texting is hardly parenting. What a knob.

I would literally ask every single time. That way, he can see how little he does and the kids will know you didn't stop trying

Tell him if he wants to know how they are he can either call and speak to them or actually make effort to see them. Your not going to respond to his lazy I can't be arsed to be a father style of parenting by answering his questions anymore. If he cares he makes the effort with the kids if he doesn't it shows his not worth your response.

No he doesn’t pay maintenance. When I’ve tried to cut contact before because he wasn’t seeing them he makes out like I’m just being difficult and says that I’m always in a bad mood apparently!

Why doesn't he pay maintenance?

Why does it matter if he says you're difficult/in a bad mood?

why doesn't he pay maintenance?

on the texting thing, if its bothering you, you could just tell him his texts are pointless (it sounds like advice someone has given him, possibly his mum) but you will let him know if anything isn't right with the kids. like dont call us we'll call you.

sounds like he's protecting himself from paying maintenance or from having to admit to himself he's an absent rubbish dad

@Happycat1212

No he doesn’t pay maintenance. When I’ve tried to cut contact before because he wasn’t seeing them he makes out like I’m just being difficult and says that I’m always in a bad mood apparently!

www.gov.uk/manage-child-maintenance-case

CSA website in case you haven't already put a claim in (I'm sure you have).

Set up a gmail account specifically for dealing with him, give him the address, say you will check it once a fortnight then block him on every other medium.

What do the kids think about the absent dad - do THEY want to see him? If so, tell the dad that your son/daughter would like to see them...you don’t have to have a relationship with your ex but I think you should encourage it and be supportive for the kids sake. I grew up without a dad, and it comes back to bite you in adult life, even though I had a great mum I still feel an aching loss for my absent dad. Protect your kids from ever feeling that sadness and loss if you can.

Is he just sending the texts to show that he's doing all the right things (ha ha) in potential future proceedings?

How soon do you reply to his texts? If it's straight away try leaving it for a day and see if he chases it up and is actually interested in the answer.

My children don’t ask about him or ask to see him.

He doesn’t pay maintenance as he doesn’t work.

@Happycat1212

No he doesn’t pay maintenance. When I’ve tried to cut contact before because he wasn’t seeing them he makes out like I’m just being difficult and says that I’m always in a bad mood apparently!

he expects you to be in a good mood dealing with the father of your children who neither supports them in a practical nor financial way? Of course you're in a bad mood with him, why wouldn't you be?

Doesn't work but won't parent. What a hero.

And yes, every time, "you can see them any time" or "do you want to Zoom/Skype?"

I personally wouldn’t be replying to his message.
If he’s not interested in seeing the kids then I would only want to hear from him if he does want to see them, wants to provide money for their upkeep, if he finds out he has a genetic condition, or if he’s dead.

I'd personally be saying if you don't want a relationship with our children then please stop messaging me. All he's really doing is reminding you that you're doing it all yourself. Why couldn't he help if he doesn't work!!

Its so damaging for a child to have parents like this who come and go as they please. You read so much about the child's right to have a relationship with their parent, and that the courts bend over backwards to make sure that it happens, but what about protecting children from this type of parent? :(

Thanks for the advice I will stop responding then and send one last message explaining why. I guess when he says I’m in a bad mood etc he makes out that I’m the reason why he doesn’t see them.

Contact the CMS and put in a claim. At least then you can say you tried.

One last response to the next message: Unless you are going to start being a parent, do not contact me. You provide nothing for the children, have not once asked to see them and quite obviously do not want to have a relationship with them. I will not tolerate you dipping in and out of their lives and causing more damage than you already have. Unless you can be bothered to see and speak to them, I wish to hear nothing more from you.

Ensure every knows what a piece of shit he is. I’m not usually one of sly comments on social media or when you speak to someone about him but fathers like this make my blood boil. They just fuck off and leave you holding the baby, literally. You don’t ever want to be accused of “stopping him seeing his kids” and the last thing you need to someone attacking you.

What about his family are they not interested?

I guess when he says I’m in a bad mood etc he makes out that I’m the reason why he doesn’t see them.

My DSD's mum was extremely hostile and difficult. That never stopped my DH seeing his DD every week. Nothing his Ex did discouraged that man. A devoted parent keeps going.

Your Ex is a useless excuse for a father.

He could be trying to build a case that he has regular contact, when in reality he doesn't do anything as a parent.
Find a way to store the texts, and keep a diary. Hopefully you'll never need it.

How old are your children? Old enough to have direct contact?

He is being a nonexistent father. Talking to you and getting a report about them is meaningless. With that, and the lack of financial support, he might as well not exist.

I would stop replying. He will either drift away like the useless waste of space he is or step up (I wouldn't hold your breath).

"If you really wanted to know, you would come and see them. Please let me know when is convenient and we can work something out."

Same reply to every single message. It makes it clear that he is refusing contact.

A quick google tells me that the CSA take a nominal amount out of benefits? Something like £7 a week. I'd claim that of the deadbeat!!! Even if it just pays for two Happy meals a week!