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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I respond to his messages?

59 replies

Happycat1212 · 01/02/2021 14:43

My ex will text me once a week to ask how our children are but he doesn’t ask to see them and has only seen them once in 3 months, I usually respond to his messages and just tell him they are fine and he says that’s good or ok, it never goes beyond that as I don’t ask him any questions back and He doesn’t ask anything else, and then that will be it till the next week. I respond thinking he may ask to see them so it would be wrong not to respond but he doesn’t ask but still texts once a week or so to check how they are, I feel more like he is a “pen pal” rather than a dad, he does no parenting what so ever and I haven’t had a break this entire time. He doesn’t ask to speak to them personally and they are not old enough to have their own phones. Should I just stop responding to his messages when he isn’t actually asking to see them?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/02/2021 16:34

Sounds like he does it as a tick box exercise.

I hope there are people in the children's lives who would step in if necessary, because their dad sounds pretty useless.

If they're old enough to talk, then he should at least speak to them.

I'd be tempted to say if there's an emergency situation you'll let him know, otherwise he cab assume they're fine.

It's bad enough he's not paying maintenance, he could at least take an active interest in his kids.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 01/02/2021 16:35

My children don’t have phones the oldest is 9 and isn’t having a phone yet, I have told them he could call them to maintain contact on my phone, he agreed but he did that once and never called again.

His parents passed away before I met him (both of them) he only has a sister but no she doesn’t have contact with the children.

OP posts:
Princessbanana · 01/02/2021 16:52

this is clearly not good for your children. if it was me, i would cut contact asap. i would text him and tell him that to be a parent it takes more than just texting every week to ask how they are, if he feels in the future he wants to actually parent then he needs to go through the proper channels i.e. solicitor, court. i would then block him and have nothing more to do with him. if you go to a solicitor, this is the advice they will give you. you could ask for CM so the claim would be started if he ever were to get a job in the future but if he's as useless as my ex partner then there's no point, as he will never get off his lazy arse to get a job to better himself!!! good luck, im sure you wont need it as you were doing it on your own anyway!!

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/02/2021 16:59

Even if he is on benefits, you should receive a nominal amount of maintenance . I think it is about £7 per week.
My ex used to play games like this . I refused to play .

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/02/2021 17:18

So sad that fathers do this to their kids
Glad the kids aren't bothered
Don't waste anymore time on this looser

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/02/2021 17:20

Also blaming your mood for his shit parenting is a dick move

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 01/02/2021 17:28

Yeh I think he expects me to be upbeat and happy when he contacts me which obviously isn’t the case but he makes out that that’s the reason why he stays away

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 01/02/2021 17:35

If you don't want to cut contact you could devise a standard reply that you just paste in each time. Hopefully he'll get bored and drop away. You should however start a cms claim. He might get a job eventually and then you'd already be sorted.

Littlepaws18 · 01/02/2021 17:40

You need to get him to be responsible for his children and the way to do that is to go to the cms. It may only be £7 per week but it's enough of his earnings to make him realise that he has a responsibility.

You could save it up and give it to the kids at Christmas or buy their Christmas presents with it. Whatever you do its him that now has to man up and at least take financial responsibility

Affor · 01/02/2021 17:41

OP what does he live off without working? If he's on UC you'll still get maintenance. Or maybe he's working and not telling you in case you claim!

wishywashywoowoo70 · 01/02/2021 17:43

My DD had a dad exactly like this.
No maintenance no effort to see her.
When he does bother I have to take her and pick her up. Absolute waste of space and I am looking forward to the day when she Fuchs him off

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 01/02/2021 17:52

He’s definitely not working, I guess I’ve never bothered with maintenance as it doesn’t seem worth it for £7, he hasn’t worked in 5 years, I have no suspicion that he is working

OP posts:
Playnoh · 01/02/2021 18:00

Gosh op he sounds awful

RandomMess · 01/02/2021 18:18

I would reply "who is this?"

After that I would just block his number.

YoniAndGuy · 01/02/2021 18:18

‘How are the kids’

‘Hi Parasite, they’d love to see you! 😃’

Can’t be accused of ‘being miserable’ or ‘making it difficult’ with that one.

Repeat every time. But no, don’t answer his question.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 01/02/2021 18:24

What a deadbeat.

Don't get drawn into an explanation or a long conversation with him. Please just do this as DinnaeFashSassenach suggested

"If you really wanted to know, you would come and see them. Please let me know when is convenient and we can work something out."

Same reply to every single message. It makes it clear that he is refusing contact.

titchy · 01/02/2021 18:39

£7 CM a week is £30 a month - £350 a year. £3500 in ten years! Wouldn't it be great to give your dd that on her 19th birthday.

CLAIM IT!!!!

Longdistance · 01/02/2021 18:41

I can see why he’s an ex. He’s fucking useless!
Just make sure you keep all correspondence from messages so that later down the line he can’t turn around and say you didn’t let him see the kids.
Make that claim through CMS.

YouWontBelieveYourEyes · 01/02/2021 18:58

Don’t rise to the ‘bad mood’ claims, ignore it. He’s doing it on purpose to get a rise out of you. And claim via the CMS, because you might as well.

louise4754 · 01/02/2021 19:06

I'd get them a phone. Mine are 8 and 10. They only have family numbers in their phone and their dad phones them every day as he works away.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 01/02/2021 19:28

They are not having phones yet and even if they did he wouldn’t call anyway, he was asked to call them on mine and he didn’t, he called once in October, and that was MY suggestion Confused to have calls, he’s never asked to call them. I’m not happy with getting a 9 year old a phone personally.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/02/2021 19:40

Why do you care if he thinks you’re in a mood? Tell him to stop contacting you unless he wants to see his children. Wanker.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 01/02/2021 19:47

Not that I care it’s more that he implies that I’m the reason why he stays away

OP posts:
Longdistance · 01/02/2021 19:59

@Happycat1212 yes, they don’t need phones. Too young and it’ll only lead to disappointment when he doesn’t ring or turn up.

titchy · 01/02/2021 20:05

@Happycat1212

Not that I care it’s more that he implies that I’m the reason why he stays away
So what? He can think/imply what he wants. Makes no difference to you or your dcs. CLAIM CMS!!!