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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner doing enough with our newborn or AIBU?

46 replies

Sunshine1996 · 01/02/2021 11:09

DD is just over 6 weeks old. The last few weeks she has become much more unsettled which may be impacting on how I’m feeling. Partner has been working 7 days a week since she was 2 weeks old. He is out the house from 5:30am till 5pm. I understand how exhausted he must be and I appreciate everything he does. He does sometimes do the 4am feed if baby wakes and will normally do one feed in the evening. On Friday he went for a bike ride from half 5 till half 10. I rang him at half 9 just to ask when he’d be home, baby was very unsettled and I just wanted some support really. Partner was not happy as this was his time to relax. I apologised for this one. Then yesterday partner finished work early at 12. We went for a family walk which was lovely then he went on his PlayStation at 4pm. He had baby next to him in the bouncer for an hour, I had a bath and prepared dinner. Apart from to stop to eat dinner he stayed on his PlayStation, he said he would come off at 8. Then at 8 he said he was staying on till 9. I was annoyed as I thought he’d had a good amount of time on his game and he could help now. He argued that this was his only time to relax. I just feel I never have any time myself to relax apart from the occasional bath, but am I just being really selfish?

OP posts:
RainbowFlowers · 01/02/2021 11:18

You are not being selfish. I think you really need to spell it out to him that you need time to yourself too and you are not getting it. He probably thinks you get loads of free time in the day.

How come his hours are so long? It doesn't sound maintainable even without a baby.

ElizaLaLa · 01/02/2021 11:19

No you're not being selfish. He's a pisstaker. And a fucking big one, at that.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2021 11:22

Did he want a baby? Why is he working every single day, could it be to get out of household stuff?

Dyrne · 01/02/2021 11:23

I think it’s fine to have the odd time with the baby in a bouncer while he does something else as babies of that age don’t always need constant attention and stimulation as long as they’re happy. Can you encourage more of that? So he can still game or whatever but it still gives you a couple of hours to relax.

Going off for a 5 hour bike ride (especially without communicating length to you first) is completely taking the piss though.

I agree that you may need to discuss his working hours as that is completely not sustainable long term.

Original poster
Sunshine1996 · 01/02/2021 11:25

Thank you for the replies. That’s true I think he does think I have loads of time in the day but when DD does nap I am normally am catching up with housework or cooking. He has taken on a private job at the weekend he normally is just Monday-Friday. He’s got another month left of it. Or so he says until another one comes up. I do appreciate he wants to earn as much as he can but he is barely home at the moment.

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 01/02/2021 11:27

When my DH came home from work he took over as primary carer until bedtime and round the clock at weekends. He wanted to squeeze in as much time as possible with his son as I got to spend time with him all day during the week. Why doesn't your DP want to spend time with his baby? He likes bikes rides and computer games more than he likes his own child, what does that tell you about him?

Potentialscrooge · 01/02/2021 11:30

When’s your time to relax?
I see so many of these threads on here and it makes so cross so many men fathering children then thinking because they leave the house to go to work they don’t have to lift a finger at home and resent you asking for them to care for their own children.
Think of it that your job is looking after the baby, so when he is at home not working - you have 50/50 leisure time.
A bath is not leisure time it’s a washing to ensure you are clean.
A couple of days in sole care of the baby would show him how bloody hard it is. I’m sure you don’t stop in baby nap times to keep the house ticking over.
Serious chat and division of tasks when he’s at home. What’s going to happen when you go back to work? Will you be expected to work and carry on with everything else?

TheVanguardSix · 01/02/2021 11:31

No. He's taking the piss. There is nothing wrong with a bike ride. But there's everything wrong with a 5 hour one! 5 fucking hours? And 5 hours of the PS? That's way too long.
Can he agree to dial it back to 2 hours?
I'm not trying to coddle your partner here, but adjusting to a baby is hard for everyone. It's a first for both of you, so of course there will be growing pains and yes, it will challenge your relationship. Babies' needs trump our own and it is exhausting and it can be such hard work. So there has to be some sort of balance struck. You do sacrifice, but it doesn't have to become some gulag for new parents.
Talk to him. Hash out a schedule to get through these early days.
If he can bike ride for 5 hours, the guy's got energy to burn! He needs to get his Dad Boots muddier and help out more, for sure. Does he cook? Do some of the tidying up? Laundry? If he isn't hands on with the baby, perhaps he can pitch in in other ways. Instead of 5 hours on the PS, he can do 2 hours of 'relaxation' and a load of laundry and/or make dinner for you both and do the dishes. It's hardly asking him to build the pyramids of Giza. It's just called running a household as a family. And if he balks, then you've got a bigger problem: A lazy git whose mother didn't raise him right. I hope this isn't the case.

Doomsdayiscoming · 01/02/2021 11:36

I remember a few weeks ago being ridiculed for saying that there is an epidemic of men who haven’t grown up and video games is a big part of that. Yet, every other AIBU post about a shit partner is about spending time gaming over spending time with their family.

Chuck out the PlayStation. It’s the only way.

Potentialscrooge · 01/02/2021 11:42

@Doomsdayiscoming YES TO THIS. Soooooo right!! I can’t believe how many men think this is acceptable. Everyone loves a bit of gaming/ insert pursuit of choice but it can’t be at the detriment of partners and children. And then the sulking. Bah.

FatCatThinCat · 01/02/2021 11:43

It's not the PlayStation's fault. Lots of people are perfectly able to manage playing games and being a parent, myself included.

klh386 · 01/02/2021 11:44

Bouncer time is totally fine (I'd mix it up with a play gym for tummy time, but it's great to let the baby entertain itself with toys for as long as they can tolerate it. In my experience it builds attention span very effectively), but he is NOT taking enough of the load off of you. That long bike ride? WTF?!?!?!?!

Original poster
Sunshine1996 · 01/02/2021 11:45

We tried a long time for DD, then unfortunately I had a miscarriage and finally 9 months later I fell pregnant with DD. Funnily enough partner’s mother has always told me his dad worked every hour possible almost to avoid child care. But partner insisted he didn’t want to be like his dad. I just feel like as she’s a newborn he isn’t interested yet. He does love her and does help out some what, more than his dad did by the sounds of things. But I still feel like I need more support. After his bike ride I cried and said I was struggling and he told me I needed to stay strong for our baby. I know it’s silly and I shouldn’t cry in front of her but I just feel so exhausted sometimes.

OP posts:
lionpaws · 01/02/2021 11:50

He's not pulling his weight. Seriously, take time for yourself during the day when you can. Let your baby sleep on you and watch Netflix or read a book. The housework can wait for when your partner gets home and then he can either do the housework or look after the baby!

strawberrypip · 01/02/2021 11:52

being a first time parent is a huge shock to the system. of course you feel like you need support. doesnt matter how many hours hes working, a 5 hour bike ride? sorry but that isnt really a luxury you can afford when you have such a young baby with so many needs.

you are working too - having a baby is bloody hard. its tiring, demanding and repetitive. you need to get a break sometimes too.

Godimabitch · 01/02/2021 11:53

You should be getting equal down time.
So far in 3 days he's had 9 hours (not counting the hour he watched baby) and you've had none. Not counting you making dinner or you fulfilling you basic needs by having a quick bath.

Draw up a rota for baby care outside of working hours. You care for baby the whole time he's at work, and the rest should be split evenly.

I do agree with the above that games consoles have caused a massive issue in men, although it used to be the pub, DHs dad would finish work, go to the pub, come back after the kids were in bed for his dinner. At the weekend he'd spend all day in the pub and come home for 2pm for his Sunday dinner, he actually still did this until very recently.

RealMermaid · 01/02/2021 11:54

He told you to stay strong for your baby when you told him you needed more support? Sorry but that is really crappy. You deserve AS MUCH time off as he does.

Godimabitch · 01/02/2021 11:55

And if he can do a 5hr bike ride he can't argue that he's tired either so don't take that.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2021 11:59

He is working loads. I think this does depend on how much your baby sleeps. Both mine at that age slept about 18 -20 hours per day, so I had so much time in the day to do what I liked. Ok, it had to be in the house, but I watched movies, did exercise vids, read. So, if you're getting that, I wouldn't begrudge him any down time he wants given his working week. But if you're not, then - it's equal leisure time is the rule.

SinkGirl · 01/02/2021 12:00

I can’t believe 20% think YABU. If he needs time to relax he shouldn’t be taking on extra work, and where’s your time to relax? Having a newborn and “time to relax” is not compatible.

He needs to spend a few days as main carer and see how he finds it. He clearly has no bloody clue.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 01/02/2021 12:08

I think the next time he came home, I’d immediately hand over DD and swan off on my own five-hour bike ride..... (ok, I probably couldn’t manage five hours but you get my gist)

TheVanguardSix · 01/02/2021 12:08

After his bike ride I cried and said I was struggling and he told me I needed to stay strong for our baby.

Confused Ok now he's just being a condescending dickhead.
And obviously, your baby is not sleeping 18-20 hours a day (wouldn't that be lovely? Never had one of those champion sleepers myself) because you wouldn't feel so broken if that were the case.
You're in the trenches, you and DP. Remember that you're on the same side/same team. So support and love each other, but by all means, don't ask- TELL- your DP what you need from him. Staying strong for the baby doesn't mean paddling your own canoe upstream. Enlist your DP more. Gaming and cycling are his outlets/hobbies. That's fine. I hope you have a hobby too. But his '5 hour sessions' is really, really taking the piss.

HappierTimesAhead · 01/02/2021 12:13

@Sunshine1996

We tried a long time for DD, then unfortunately I had a miscarriage and finally 9 months later I fell pregnant with DD. Funnily enough partner’s mother has always told me his dad worked every hour possible almost to avoid child care. But partner insisted he didn’t want to be like his dad. I just feel like as she’s a newborn he isn’t interested yet. He does love her and does help out some what, more than his dad did by the sounds of things. But I still feel like I need more support. After his bike ride I cried and said I was struggling and he told me I needed to stay strong for our baby. I know it’s silly and I shouldn’t cry in front of her but I just feel so exhausted sometimes.
Please don't give yourself a hard time about crying in front of your baby! It's hard, hard, hard and especially when you are basically doing it single-handedly. I still cry in front of my 2.5year old sometimes because it all gets too much. We are only human Flowers
Doomsdayiscoming · 01/02/2021 12:15

Unfortunately video games are designed to be addictive. I’ve wasted my fair share of a lifetime playing them to know.

I think the issue here is that this probably pre-dated the baby. My best advice would be to make him choose. He can do other relaxing things sure, but not ones that directly take him away from his family.

I think marriage counsellors are going to have to understand video game addiction much more over the next decade.

Esmeralda1988 · 01/02/2021 12:18

We do everything that needs doing until it's done, together so one of us will deal with DD and the other will be making dinner, cleaning etc. Then at weekends we both get time out in blocks of about two hours. I find I'm the only one asking for it though whereas my partner will just go and do his own thing if he thinks there's nothing else to be done. He doesn't really understand about needing to entertain a baby (DD is 5 months) and not just sticking her on a playmat and ignoring her crying/needing attention. So whilst the physical load/chores is pretty evenly split I find the mental load of having a baby is pretty much on me.
Your partner sounds very selfish to have ten hours free time and not even consider that you might need the same! I would tell him plainly that you need two hours where you are not in charge of the baby and after that he can have two hours. From my experience if you don't spell it out in blocks like this it causes arguments and resentment. I think it's particularly difficult at the moment because there's limited places to go or things to do in your free time and if you were out of the house it would force him to step up.