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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner doing enough with our newborn or AIBU?

46 replies

Sunshine1996 · 01/02/2021 11:09

DD is just over 6 weeks old. The last few weeks she has become much more unsettled which may be impacting on how I’m feeling. Partner has been working 7 days a week since she was 2 weeks old. He is out the house from 5:30am till 5pm. I understand how exhausted he must be and I appreciate everything he does. He does sometimes do the 4am feed if baby wakes and will normally do one feed in the evening. On Friday he went for a bike ride from half 5 till half 10. I rang him at half 9 just to ask when he’d be home, baby was very unsettled and I just wanted some support really. Partner was not happy as this was his time to relax. I apologised for this one. Then yesterday partner finished work early at 12. We went for a family walk which was lovely then he went on his PlayStation at 4pm. He had baby next to him in the bouncer for an hour, I had a bath and prepared dinner. Apart from to stop to eat dinner he stayed on his PlayStation, he said he would come off at 8. Then at 8 he said he was staying on till 9. I was annoyed as I thought he’d had a good amount of time on his game and he could help now. He argued that this was his only time to relax. I just feel I never have any time myself to relax apart from the occasional bath, but am I just being really selfish?

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 01/02/2021 12:19

He's out the house at 5.30am for work, and has to do the 4am feed?!
YABU.

Whitecup4 · 01/02/2021 12:20

He has 5 hours off, you have 5 hours off, easy. Ju set communicate that. If his working lots at a time when the baby is so needy can he not hire a cleaner or a nanny for a few hours.

When t he baby naps your cooking and cleaning??? Stop that. Jobs like this can be done with both parents are at home and tag teaming it.

zoemum2006 · 01/02/2021 12:22

At some point you’re going to have to hand him the baby and walk out the door for 5 hours.

Nip this in the bud now because it will kill your relationship.

Original poster
Sunshine1996 · 01/02/2021 12:22

He doesn’t HAVE to do it. He chooses to do it and her crying normally wakes him. I would never ask him to. As I said I do appreciate he does help and he does love her. But it’s the long periods when he is either out or on his game which I struggle with.

OP posts:
HelplessProcrastinator · 01/02/2021 12:29

Why is he taking on extra work at the weekends? Do you need the money? Maybe do less housework when the baby is asleep and relax. My DH was a full time student working every Saturday and Sunday when DD1 was a baby. I was breast feeding but DH started doing a night time bottle at 3 month stage while writing essays. In your case it does sound like your DH is deliberately checking out of parenting.

Gizmo79 · 01/02/2021 12:32

@bloodyhairy

He's out the house at 5.30am for work, and has to do the 4am feed?! YABU.
He is probably getting up and ready then anyway!
dontdisturbmenow · 01/02/2021 12:34

he does think I have loads of time in the day but when DD does nap I am normally am catching up with housework or cooking
Then stop. The house can cope not being spotless and why do you need to cook during the day? Sandwiches at lunch and dinner can be cooked when he comes home. He can look after the baby when you cook or he cooks.

He works long hours, it must be frustrating to be made to feel guilty to take some time off to relax just because you opt to do things that are not required and you could be relaxing.

MinnieMountain · 01/02/2021 12:37

Tell him now is not the time to take on extra work. Unless you really need it, he should not take on another weekend job.

Babies are boring at that age, but that’s just tough for him. Equally you need time away from the boredom.

He should either be making supper or properly engaging with your DD when he gets home (according to your preference- I couldn’t wait to hand DS over).

And you absolutely need equal free time.

DH drove me mad playing his PS pre-DS. He now plays once DS is in bed and only for an hour at a time or once I have gone to bed.

bouncealongbouncealong · 01/02/2021 13:15

OP I feel you. My husband did very similar in the beginning (swap 5 hour bike ride with a 5 hour game of golf and the stories are exactly the same!) My breaking point came around 3 months in when he woke myself and our non-sleeper of a baby up at 5.30am on a Sunday getting ready for yet another game of golf. I was furious and I truly snapped. I TOLD him he was being selfish and unfair. I TOLD him I needed him to be home more and needed more help with the baby. I TOLD him he was being a shit Dad. I TOLD him that if things didn't change I would go alone it with baby as I was getting zero help anyway and I would have 1 less person to tidy up after/look after. My husband honestly looked shocked. I had been suggesting and asking for more help for a while but he didn't really 'get it' until I blew up and laid it out as harshly as I did. We had a good chat about him working and how when he is at work he has a lunch break to switch off and relax, when he is at work he can have adult conversation without getting interrupted and my favourite one, when he is at work he can use the toilet in peace/without a rush! I literally told him I do not have time during the day to go to the toilet properly and it hit him. Looking back I think he thought I was coping ok and just having a 'moan' ...he honestly didn't realise I was sinking. I'm glad to say things changed quickly. With regards to his golfing hobby he played a couple of games a month rather than all weekend every weekend. He also made sure I had some 'me time' throughout the month which I must admit I spent mostly sleeping in those early days!
3 years on and we are expecting baby number 2 soon. I'm hoping things will be much easier this time around as we both know where we stand and what to especially from each other (plus lockdown has closed all of the golf courses... 👌🏽) Good luck x

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 01/02/2021 13:22

Poor you OP.

I had the same with exH. He did fuck all because he deserved time to himself as I "had all day to myself". As if I spent all day going clubbing, to the theatre and eating swanky lunches rather than cleaning up sick and trying hard not to fall asleep every time I sat on the sofa.

I never nipped it in the bud though and wish I had. You must be clear that he's taking the piss.

Gobbycop · 01/02/2021 13:22

Nope, you're not being at all unreasonable.

Another fucking gaming waster.

Loads of dads do 12hr shifts and do as much looking after children and housekeeping as possible.

I find it sad for the kids the amount of these parents that want to spend as little time with them as possible, why have them?

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 01/02/2021 13:28

I have loads of time in the day but when DD does nap I am normally am catching up with housework or cooking.

here is your mistake.

I'd keep housework and cooking when the baby is up! Use the nap as YOUR time.

I am not being goady: if you have several kids, you HAVE to look after them. You cannot forget about the older ones when you have a baby. Baby is absolutely fine, you keep them with you, you put them in a sling when you hoover if you must. They are part of your day.

Keep cooking time to a minimum, even if you cook everything from scratch.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 01/02/2021 13:29

Tell him now is not the time to take on extra work. Unless you really need it, he should not take on another weekend job.

Jesus Christ, for once a parent is acting responsibly to support their family and someone pops up with a stupid comment like that.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 01/02/2021 13:34

He is being shit.

(What is his job though? The below is based on him choosing to do these hours and being used to it, and it not being completely mentally and physically draining (which it doesn't sound like it if he can go for long cycles after wards). If he is a doctor working back to back shifts to cover sick colleagues on covid wards, then my answer would probably be a bit different.)

He cant have it both ways. Either looking after a baby all day is easy, in which case he should find he can take the baby for a few hours and 'relax' at the same time in the evening. Or it's hard bloody work and you deserve a break as well. What he seems to be saying is, you have it easy so you dont need a break, but he is too busy and important to help you out at all with your 'easy' job.
It should be equal amounts of relaxation time for both of you. Its fundamentally unfair that in a partnership one of you can have alone time to do hobbies for hours at a time and the other cant even grab an hour to have a bath. Why did he have a baby if he disnt want to get involved? What new parent expects to have any leisure time at all in thr first few months!? I'd be very careful of what happens when (if) you go back to work - if he has never done much with the baby he will not be used to it and the baby will not be used to him so it will be all down to you because the baby 'only settles for you' etc.

MinnieMountain · 01/02/2021 13:42

Ever heard of work-life balance @Iknowwhatudidlastsummer? I’m not suggesting he give up his FT job.

OP is struggling and the extra money the weekend job brings in might actually not be worth the additional stress.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 01/02/2021 13:48

@MinnieMountain

Ever heard of work-life balance *@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer*? I’m not suggesting he give up his FT job.

OP is struggling and the extra money the weekend job brings in might actually not be worth the additional stress.

even more stupid comment

You must be so privileged that you talk about "work life balance" when you know nothing of their circumstances. People rarely take on a second job because they are bored. Hmm

Piglet89 · 01/02/2021 13:52

@TheVanguardSix

A lazy git whose mother didn't raise him right.

The irony of this is palpable.

A lazy git whose parents didn’t raise him right.

luxxlisbon · 01/02/2021 13:54

It really doesn't sound like the amount of free/relaxing time he is taking in a week is that OTT particularly given how much he works. Imo the problem isn't the 2 times in a week that he has had this time, the problem is that you aren't getting it too. Whether that it because you aren't prioritising it because you think your partner wouldn't facilitate it is another thing.
One day a week do no housework in the afternoon and no cooking, make yourself a tub of fresh soup in the microwave or a sandwich so you have minimal cleaning up after yourself. Easier said than done but try to focus on yourself for this one afternoon, read a book while the baby naps, pop her in a sling and go for a long walk listening to a podcast, have her next to you in a moses basket on the bathroom floor and try to have a bath. Cook dinner in the evening on this day while your husband has the baby.
Then one other evening a week your husband takes the baby and you spend an evening with yourself, catch up on a show, ring a friend, curl your hair or paint your nails

MinnieMountain · 01/02/2021 14:48

You know nothing of their circumstances either @Iknowwhatudidlastsummer.

It could be that OP’s DH is using working to avoid family life. Some parents do.

As for “privilege” there is a middle ground between needing to work every hour possible to provide for one’s family and earning a high salary.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2021 14:53

A cyclist and a gamer Hmm

You cry in front of anyone you like.

He’s being a dick. Sorry OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/02/2021 14:59

a 5 hour bike ride? absolutely piss taker. Plus the gaming fgs

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