Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My baby hates me. I wish I could do it all over

29 replies

Betteroffwithoutmetbh · 01/02/2021 06:59

My 10 month old hates me. My partner takes care of him mainly throughout the day because I’m working (from home) and am completely financially supporting the household, though I do stop to play, give him a bottle or a cuddle. But I think he hates me.

He doesn’t respond to me when I call his name, when he’s on me he just scratches and hits me, I think he’s doing things on purpose like wiping his dirty face on my clothes yesterday while trying to clean him up. He doesn’t laugh with me and he’s started to move away when I try to stroke his head or face. Breaks my heart writing this but I’m at the point where I think he would be better off without me.

OP posts:
Cornetttttto · 01/02/2021 07:08

They don't hate you. It's kind of understandable as he's spending so much time with your partner that he is reacting to the unfamiliar. That sounds horrible written down but even my 2 year old will scowl at me from time to time and run off to his daddy! Can you squeeze in some quality play time throughout the day?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 01/02/2021 07:08

Do you have pnd? It can kick in anytime untill they are 1. Stopping breastfeeding or starting work can trigger emotions.
He doesn't hate you. My ds lied his dad more at around that age and nana as he just did then he reverted back to me.
He doesn't hate you, he's a baby. He wouldn't be better without you. You and daddy are his whole world.

covilha · 01/02/2021 07:10

Didn’t want to read and run- just wanted to say you are his mum, he needs you and definitely would NOT be better off without you. Hopefully, someone with more knowledge and experience will be along soon for advice x

Whiskeylover45 · 01/02/2021 07:11

It hurts I know. In my case it the opposite and DS went through a phase where he would cry if I left the room, and behaved the way your describing towards his dad who like you was in full time. It passes. He's just a baby and at that age they aren't sure who is who so go off faces. It does get easier I promise. Ds 3, 4 in may, is still a mummy's boy but loves playing equally with daddy

Iggly · 01/02/2021 07:12

This is about you and your feelings. Babies reflect the emotions of those close to them.

I would gently suggest you think about whether this is PND. Please try a PND questionnaire and ring your GP for a discussion.

MellowMelly · 01/02/2021 07:12

I was about to write exactly what @Cornetttttto wrote. He doesn’t hate you it’s just I think he sees your partner as the main caregiver. If you’re feeling stressed about the situation he is probably picking up on that too.
Who does the bed time routine and do you work at weekends?

Whiskeylover45 · 01/02/2021 07:14

And just to reiterate what PP have said, you are NOT a bad mum. He would not be better off without your. When I had PND after having DS, the health visitor told me I was a good mum purely because I worried I wasn't. That it was the mums who didn't worry at all that weren't good. So please talk to your GP or HV if you can as I was the same as you with my PND and generally thought DH and DS would have been better if I left. Clear headed now, that was PND talking, not me

YouJustDoYou · 01/02/2021 07:14

My oldest was exactly the same. He's almost 8 now, and leaves me little letters telling me how much he loves me, wraps his little arms around me for long hugs, tells me I make him so happy etc hang in there op, the baby stage can be horrible for some of us, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

ivegotaheadacheneedabaguette · 01/02/2021 07:15

I felt the exactly the same when my DS was a baby. I had undiagnosed PND. My DS is now 11 and we have such a strong bond. Be gentle on yourself. You are his mummy and you and daddy will always be his world Thanks

Imapotato · 01/02/2021 07:16

He’s a baby. He doesn’t have the capacity to hate you. If he’s spending all day with his dad it’s natural that he will gravitate more towards him as the main care giver. But it doesn’t mean that he hates you. Also not all babies of this age like to be cuddled. Some are just too busy exploring their world to wang to be pinned down for a hug.

Don’t worry and don’t be hard on yourself. You’re his mum and he needs you. Soon enough I’m sure he’ll have a change of heart and you’ll be the favoured parent. Babies are fickle like that.

EggscellentEggplant · 01/02/2021 07:20

He doesn't hate you and as PP has said could it be PND making you perceive it this way?

I have a 6 month old (granted a bit younger) who I spend 24 hours a day with, she is always hitting and scratching me or trying to gouge my eyes out. It is just the way they explore not in the least being malicious. She also rubs her face on me, again she's just exploring and often burying her face into me because she is tired.
I reslly think you should set aside more playtime for just you and him, maybe an online baby class? They've been brilliant for helping me find new ways to play with my daughter x

Marley20 · 01/02/2021 07:21

He honestly doesn't hate you. Mine went through this and I was with them everyday so even if you weren't working this may have happened. They get over it, it's like they can only really focus on one person at a time sometimes. Keep cuddling/interacting and showing love as normal and I promise he'll snap out of it. Don't take it personally (although I know it's really hard not to) you're really not a rubbish mum, it's a completely normal phase xx

OloBo · 01/02/2021 07:23

Yup, all normal behaviour and there is no hate or intent behind it, they don’t have that mindset or level of control. My youngest went through a phase of beating me up. It’s obviously made worse because you’re not with him all day and not getting the nicer parts of the day to balance it.

He might be daddyfied at the moment, partially because he’s with him more, but mine have gone through stages of wanting mummy and daddy more.

You’re doing great and he loves you. Please try not to worry!!!

PartyofPun · 01/02/2021 07:27

Our amazing NCT teacher always said don’t sweat the small stuff or worry about what you’re doing wrong as to the baby, you are everything. You are what they need

I think 10m is a tricky age anyway as they’re getting bold without the ability to be to independent (Many aren’t walking etc.) Plus lockdown/weather/you’re trying to concentrate on work. They change so quickly so if anything it’s a phase. I hope you can try the gp or get some time to relax a bit.

Clydie89 · 01/02/2021 07:34

It's a development phase, if you look up wonder weeks app (it's free) it talks you through all the phases etc.

My DD did all this at the same age... But I was with her 24/7 during lockdown whilst on mat leave and my DH was working long hours. Its tough but it's more to do with their little brains working things out and trying to gain a bit more independence rather than any ill feeling towards you x

Blueberriesonmyshreddies · 01/02/2021 08:49

They have a favourite for a few weeks/months then it changes. They also learn to play one off against the other, all your weak spots and what to guilt trip you on. Carries on until they leave home 😊

Keep doing what you are doing, it will be your turn soon promise.

KatyClaire · 01/02/2021 09:41

He doesn’t hate you, and he’s not deliberately upsetting you. He’s a baby - he doesn’t have the capacity for that.

I wonder if this is a touch of PND and your baby is picking up on those feelings and reacting to them? Have you spoken to a GP or your partner about how you are feeling?

corythatwas · 01/02/2021 09:58

Yes, children do go through phases of preferring one parent. But the fact that you suspect a 10mo of deliberately wiping his dirty face on you to make you unhappy suggests that there is something else going on here and that it is to do with you, not with him. I would definitely see a doctor here. This is not a normal or rational way to be thinking, but it is the kind of thing PND can do to you.

It needs to be dealt with: not only is this horrible for you, but it's probably not all that nice for the baby either. As others have said, he will be picking up on your feelings and feeling afraid and confused.

What he is not capable of doing, however, is directing his scratching and gouging in some kind of deliberately hostile manner. He uses his hands to explore because that is what he is geared up to do, he rubs his face against you for comfort. He won't have any concept of "dirty" or "sharp" to help him understand your reaction- all he will experience is that you stiffen up and reject him when he does normal baby things.

bloodyhairy · 01/02/2021 10:04

It's an age & stage thing, and WILL pass. It's only because your partner is currently seeing more of your baby. They're fickle wee creatures - must be a survival thing!

yoyo1234 · 01/02/2021 10:21

Can you have time just you and the baby? We do this in our household. DH works really long hours mainly away from home. Each evening for circa 4 hours he has time with the baby ( I try to get some sleepSmile). Things change, can you speak to your health visitor?

Original poster
Betteroffwithoutmetbh · 01/02/2021 18:02

Hi everyone, I wrote this after a sleepless night at 6am not thinking clearly. I do have PND. I spent a lot of time with DS today and he laughed and giggled and cuddled me and has been looking for me whenever I’ve left the room. I feel okay after today.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 01/02/2021 18:16

Hooray - thanks for updating us!
There are always good days and bad days - perhaps take some photos or video on the good days to remind yourself with on the bad ones!

Emeraldshamrock · 01/02/2021 18:18

Both of our DC played up like this with their dad as he was working 45 hours a week.
They definitely love him more now.
You need a little break some time off if possible I'm sure your baby adores you if he doesn't show it yet he will soon.

Emeraldshamrock · 01/02/2021 18:18

Awh lovely update. ❤

JovialNickname · 01/02/2021 18:21

I'm really glad to hear you're feeling a bit better xx

Might it be worth contacting your GP about the PND anyway, just in case you start feeling bad again?

Hope you have a lovely and peaceful evening x