I really hope this reply doesn’t sound offensive in anyway because I think your feelings must be so hard to have right now and I would only want to be kind.
My baby doesn’t hate me but she can behave like this. I am one of ‘those’ mothers who breastfed her exclusively (we stopped around 18 months naturally) we co-slept to a year, I work from home so she’s never been to nursery. I am her primary caregiver and because of covid, she’s never been apart from me even for a few hours. If she DID hate me, I’d be pretty pissed off after all that.
She’s not terribly cuddly a lot of the time. Not the way I expected babies/toddlers would be. If I try to cuddle her properly she will pull her face away or hit at me. But if I leave her be, she will sometimes rest against me and she likes to be physically close to me.
I’m not sure if this will be at all helpful, but she’s my first child and I definitely don’t find that she ‘cuddles’ into me the way I would have assumed they would. She also will pull away if I kiss her face or anything.
I’ve realised that maybe that all comes when they are older , and that for now, she doesn’t really recognise the same affection behaviours as adults do. She gets it from eye contact and laughing/playing , being carried around and I feel like she just finds me grabbing at her and squeezing her to be really annoying so far.
I mean maybe she hates me and I’m naive haha. But I don’t think she does. (She could be absolutely sick of the sight of me and desperate to meet someone she’s less bored of!)
I’m sure your baby doesn’t hate you at all. They just show affection differently I think. Until they are old enough to learn what cuddles and kisses mean. Was glad to read your update and hope you have all the support you need and fully deserve. He is not better off without you. Ever! You MADE him! He’s a very lucky baby to have a mother who would be sad to think he didn’t like her. Some parents couldn’t give a shit whether their baby likes them or not.