Page 2 | If you’ve been a shit friend do you know you were a shit friend?

hammeringinmyhead · 31/01/2021 22:50

@tatutata

Female friendships are so strange compared to male ones. Blokes seem to make about five friends over their entire lifetimes, and can quite happily pick up where they left off even decades later.

My friendships are like this. I have 4 best friends, all from different stages in my life and none living close by. We see each other maybe yearly but are barely in touch inbetween. We have a weekend away or at one of our homes, catch up, and that's it for months.

I'll always be there if a friend has a problem but I don't really believe in "bad friend" meaning someone who doesn't get in touch all the time during normal, everyday life. That said, if I had a bereavement or similar I couldn't ignore them and yes, I would feel bad even temporarily cutting them out.

Ladyface · 31/01/2021 22:51

I was the shit friend that didn’t give the right support when needed. Even with hindsight though, I don’t think I could’ve done things any differently. Her expectations and what I could give were too far apart.

Pinkchocolate · 31/01/2021 22:53

I have a close group of five girls that I’ve been close to since our teens, we’re in our forties now. All of us have been a shit friend to each other at some point and we have acknowledged it, apologised and moved on. I was a shit friend after I miscarried because I was too wrapped up in my grief, another was a shit friend when someone in the group got bad news. I think it’s natural in a friendship that lasts a long time, you just need be honest with each other, don’t let resentment build when it could be sorted with a simple conversation.

Original poster

Bamechage · 31/01/2021 23:04

I tried for ages and then had a shit time myself and after years of being the one who gave the support got nothing back as they are too wrapped up in their own shit time to realise anyone else might be having a shit time.

I never told them because they never asked and it’s too late now, the friendship is over.

It’s absolutely broken my heart.

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 31/01/2021 23:06

@Hydrate

A friendship is a relationship, if you take it for granted and do not nurture it may die. A friend may forgive neglect when there is a good reason for it, but it doesn't mean they are content to have a friend who is always wrapped up in themselves and has no time for others.

That was my circumstance.

I know I was there from the start. But it was hard knowing it wasn't reciprocal when I needed support.

itsgettingweird · 31/01/2021 23:08

@Bamechage

I tried for ages and then had a shit time myself and after years of being the one who gave the support got nothing back as they are too wrapped up in their own shit time to realise anyone else might be having a shit time.

I never told them because they never asked and it’s too late now, the friendship is over.

It’s absolutely broken my heart.

Exactly my situation.

It hurts. Both knowing you couldn't be enough for your friend but also knowing they couldn't or didn't want to be enough for you.

heatherafter · 31/01/2021 23:15

@Bamechage

I tried for ages and then had a shit time myself and after years of being the one who gave the support got nothing back as they are too wrapped up in their own shit time to realise anyone else might be having a shit time.

I never told them because they never asked and it’s too late now, the friendship is over.

It’s absolutely broken my heart.

I had a similar situation to this.
I had a terrible year or two, one thing after another culminating in almost losing one of my children. I was a shit friend during that time but I did explain why, I tried to communicate. It wasn't enough I don't think. The friendships, some of which I'd poured decades into, crumbled. I felt let down.
One friendship in particular I still grieve for now, not sure I'll ever get over it.

LunaHeather · 31/01/2021 23:17

@Bamechage

I tried for ages and then had a shit time myself and after years of being the one who gave the support got nothing back as they are too wrapped up in their own shit time to realise anyone else might be having a shit time.

I never told them because they never asked and it’s too late now, the friendship is over.

It’s absolutely broken my heart.

I've been there I can only sympathise

HeidiHaughton · 31/01/2021 23:22

The loss of a friendship is hard to grieve. But it was a kind of grief for me. I was too embarrassed to talk about it.

Hydrate · 01/02/2021 00:56

I'm sorry for your pain.

steppemum · 01/02/2021 10:14

If you are going through a shit time, and let thefriendship slide as a result. That is no problem. If your friends get upset by that then that is on them, they should be more understanding and supportive.

If your friend is going through a shit time and you have let the friendship slide, then yes that is being a shit friend, but actually, sometimes it just shows that that friendship doesn't have any further to run.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/02/2021 10:21

Like any relationship if it's good you can weather the odd shitty patch and make up for it at another time. If someone is consistently a shit friend it doesn't take much for the friendship to fail.

SushiSoozie · 01/02/2021 10:23

ot saying which side I’m on here but if you had say ivf or the death or a partner or illness and you couldn’t deal with things and let a friendship slide then do you feel bad?

So if my partner dies and I don't have time for a "friend" and their needs, I'm a shit friend? And youre asking do I feel bad?

There is so much wrong with that question I honestly don't know where to start. How unbelievably strange other people can be.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2021 10:28

I was not a good friend to someone about ten years ago who was very needy. She was not a super close friend but became very demanding of my time and expected to spend hours on the phone with me a lot.

She was going through a very difficult period in her life and had no-one really to talk to so from that perspective I feel quite guilty. On the other hand her lack of self-awareness and respect for my time started to really grate on me after a while and there came a point where I had to put boundaries up to prevent her draining all my time and energy. She would call three times a week and expect to speak for over an hour at a time -- I had a small baby and a full time job and I just didn't want all my free time to be earmarked to listening to someone else's problems.

It's a difficult call in situations like this: sometimes people do desperately need support but manage to alienate the people who they need most. I don't think there's an obligation to give yourself endlessly to someone who lacks the self-awareness to realise they are taking up far too much of your time and ultimately you need to step away to protect yourself.

I suppose if I had the time again I would have sought to be more direct about the impact that the demands she was making had on me.

changingmine · 01/02/2021 10:34

I have to admit that I was not there for a friend of 6yrs when she was dealing with cancer. One of my children was extremely unwell and between that and work stress I was barely getting by. I did call, text, take flowers and food but not at all to the extent that I would have liked. Further down the track I also apologised for not being there for her.

Since then, however, I have stopped wanting to be friends with her. It's weird. When the going gets tough you find out who your friends are and equally, when the going gets tough for other people you realise how much they actually mean to you which in this case turned out to be less than I had thought.

HighlightedTrees · 01/02/2021 10:34

I was the shit friend but it was never explained to me what I did or why I was shit. AFAIK the 20 plus year friendship was lanced because I 'went too far' on one evening out where I was sober and she had downed 8 pints. I still do not know to this day what 'too far' means. I have had to reconcile with a difference in opinion about 'too far'.

To me going 'too far' with a friend would be insulting their family, or them, flirting with their partner, putting them down or ignoring/dismissing someone's opinion, not listening, lying to them or stealing from them. I 100% did none of that. I genuinely can not think of one thing that evening that I did or said and neither can my DP. I think what is hardest to come to terms with is not knowing what or why I was a 'shit friend'. Wracked my brains for a long time but I had to park it as it was upsetting me too much.

peak2021 · 01/02/2021 10:36

I acknowledge that the end of several teenage friendships was much more down to me than the former friends. Only a pity they did not feel able to tell me why at the time.

plumpootle · 01/02/2021 10:37

I think the framing of the post is problematic. Sometimes you can meet your friends needs, sometimes you can't and vice versa. I try not to put unreasonable expectations on people in my life and I don't expect my friends or family to lay more on me than I can deal with. In my view nothing good comes from rules about what people have to do to be worthy of friendships. Of course there are rules about negative behaviour and I would never bully or seek anyone out to be nasty. But my mental health and happiness is first and foremost my responsibility.

Fairystory · 01/02/2021 10:43

I lost a close long term friend last year. We had been there for each other both practically and emotionally. Last year she cut me off completely after she asked me for something really major which I could not accept. I felt I was being assertive to clearly say sorry I cannot help and she obviously thought I was a bad friend.
I would say no again and am surprised that I don't miss her as much as I thought.

CaptainVanesHair · 01/02/2021 11:18

I had an incredibly close friend who went through two traumatic losses (one mirrored one I had had a few years prior) and then became a parent. Her whole life changed and it seemed I wasn’t allowed to be a part of it anymore. We still message occasionally but I did feel a lot of hurt. I’m sure she thinks I wasn’t there for her during her second loss but from my side, she didn’t open up that space to make it possible because she was filling it with all her new friends who were also new parents and my experience with grief meant that I didn’t want to push at all. Maybe I should have...

I love her very much and would always be here if she wants to reach out, but I don’t want to crowd her or make her feel that she owes me anything, and I think the most important thing for me is that I imagine she sees the overall picture in exactly the same way as me and knows that I wouldn’t harbour resentment over the fact she’s pulled away. Because it was her and I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

That’s not to say I didn’t go through some tough times missing her and realising I’d been replace with very wealthy, land owning new friends etc that made me think maybe I’m not good enough.

Life can change us, it doesn’t have to be a big falling out. Sometimes it just becomes difficult for whatever reason, and that is heartbreaking but it is what it is.