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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you’ve been a shit friend do you know you were a shit friend?

45 replies

Bamechage · 31/01/2021 21:27

Not saying which side I’m on here but if you had say ivf or the death or a partner or illness and you couldn’t deal with things and let a friendship slide then do you feel bad?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 31/01/2021 22:09

Friendships come and go only the strong ones built off mutual understandings and respect survive.
If a friendship fails because I cannot commit then no I wouldn't feel bad they either drift or drop.

HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 22:13

I'm confused by the question do you mean the friend was going through a serious life event and put the friendship to one side as a result? In that case I'd not feel too bad and I'd expect my friend to have some patience. Or was it that the friend failed to support her friend who was going through something serious just because she didn't feel comfortable? If I was the friend in that scenario yes I'd feel very bad and think I'd been a rubbish friend.

HibernatingTill2030 · 31/01/2021 22:15

If I'm the one who had a bad experience and let it slide... no. I don't feel bad.
I would feel bad if I hadn't reached out to someone having a bad time and let them know I was there for them.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/01/2021 22:16

I've arguably been a shit friend and aware of it, but in all cases, it either wasn't really a friendship because neither of us really liked each other that much, or I wasn't aware that the other person thought we were closer than we were.

None of this has happened for a long time, though.

Original poster
Bamechage · 31/01/2021 22:16

If you’ve had a really shit time but been a really bad friend do you feel bad or do you think that if the friendship was meant to be it would have lasted?

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 31/01/2021 22:19

I was a shit friend to one person.
The friendship had run its course and was far too intense and toxic but I treated the person badly at the time and I regret it.
I have been treated the same by another friend in recent years and it was horrible. I wish I could get in touch with the person I was awful to and apologise but I doubt they would want to give me the time of day.
I would never act this way now.

Ohalrightthen · 31/01/2021 22:20

@Bamechage

If you’ve had a really shit time but been a really bad friend do you feel bad or do you think that if the friendship was meant to be it would have lasted?
I'd feel bad if i were a shit friend, no matter the reason, but if it were due to shit circumstances I'd try to apologise and rebuild afterwards.

IMO communication is the most important thing. If you can't be there for your friends because everything has gone to shit, tell them so. A text to say "I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now so will probably be hard to reach for a while, please don't take it personally" takes very little time and effort and covers a number of sins. I've done that and had it done to me multiple times, no bother at all. Just disappearing off the face of the earth and ignoring people is much less reasonable IMO.

Scottishskifun · 31/01/2021 22:20

Yes and apologised for it all I got was a barrage of hurtful untruth and attacks!

My friend said I wasn't there for her when I had a lot of ill family members (2 in hospital one in critical care). Between them working ft and caring for a toddler I didn't have the head space or energy for anything else (oh and was pregnant with low BP and bad morning sickness).
I realised through all her attacks actually she hadn't bothered to contact me I had always contacted her and she expected me to do the running.
Not friends anymore I feel bad that I appeared to be a crappy friend but actually it's far better and I realised her selfish attitude since I'm not as stressed anymore or constantly thinking I should try and spend a day of my weekend with them so that they aren't alone etc. She wanted one on one time I have a young toddler and work ft actually I want to spend my free time with my young child about!

HibernatingTill2030 · 31/01/2021 22:20

I would (and do) feel bad, but I think most people would understand.
I had a severe bout of depression a few years ago and ghosted most of my friends. It was a horrible thing to do, but I was very unwell at the time.

Ohalrightthen · 31/01/2021 22:21

I'm taking "been a bad friend" to mean "not got in touch" rather than "fucked your husband" btw.

Mildredandmaud · 31/01/2021 22:21

Not sure how to vote on this.

But, when I was going through a perios of intense stress, I was a shit friend. I let my best friend down badly.
I didn’t realise at the time how much ot hurt her, and of course it wasn’t intentional, but I did realise very soon afterwards.

I have spent the last 18 months making up for it. I think my friend may never fully forgive me, but then, there’s nothing more I can do. I have apologised and done what I can to put things right. Ball is in her court really.

These things happen. People aren’t perfect. Sometimes we hurt people without meaning to. Life is complicated.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/01/2021 22:23

@Bamechage

If you’ve had a really shit time but been a really bad friend do you feel bad or do you think that if the friendship was meant to be it would have lasted?
Sounds like you should talk this out with the person in question. If they're prepared to talk to you, there's hope. If not, you may have to accept it ran its course and only you know whether you did your best and were authentic to what you both thought the friendship was.

I can certainly understand someone needing to go off grid for a while if they're struggling but I won't be anyone's emotional punching bag.

CoronaIsADick · 31/01/2021 22:26

Yep. I've distanced myself from friends when I had multiple failed IVF cycles and couldn't handle being around their pregnancy announcements. The friendships ended due to this. I do regret it but at the time I felt I was doing what I needed to do to protect my mental health and if they couldn't understand that then I suppose the friendships werent really that good to begin with

MissMarpleDarling · 31/01/2021 22:26

I'd feel bad but I have let friendships slide but my best friend who I ignored for about a year when my mental health was really bad and i couldn't cope with life, was always there. Always checked in on me even if it took me a month to reply. I make it a point to check in on her every sunday now. She is fabulous. I feel really bad though. When my anxiety starts I shut down and don't speak to anyone.

itsgettingweird · 31/01/2021 22:29

I may have been both sides.

Friend having a shit time and I supported her.
She then was too consumed in her own problems to support me when mine got shit. (That's being generous because I'd still drop things if she called but it wasn't vice versa)
Saw her out and about and she filled me in on her latest.
I text to suggest coffee - but again she was too busy.
I know longer contact even though I know she's still struggling. Every now and again I bet a text to ask how I am. Answer is always fine thanks you? And texts like "I never hear from you anymore" are answers with "same here".

Imo the friendship just took its course. I felt I wasn't getting an equal share from it and pulled back. But it's questionable if this makes me a bad friend because she was struggling - but so was I.

One of us was dealing with child having a diagnosis of a degenerative condition.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 31/01/2021 22:31

My closest friend from uni married an overbearing oaf....he would constantly lecture dh & I about all sorts of things...I then slowly moved the friendship to arms length and it’s now dwindled. I feel bad in a way but I do think some friendships do drift - I made a real effort at the beginning but my patience ran out. But, let’s be clear - I was never unpleasant, I was never ‘mean’ but they wanted to socialise as couples not independently and I got fed up.

WayTooSoon · 31/01/2021 22:31

When I was pregnant with my first DC, I was quite unwell & kind of dropped off the radar as I had no energy to see other people or even talk on the phone. Once my baby arrived, he was very colic-y and I was recovering from quite a traumatic birth, blood transfusions etc and I didn't fancy meeting up with anyone and when I did, I was so sleep deprived I just didn't have much energy for making conversation. I was slow to reply to texts as a lot of my time was spent googling various milestones and illnesses and worrying whether my baby was ok. A few friendships did slide and I do feel bad for being a shit friend. My son is 4 now and the friendships have never really recovered. I do take the responsibility for this as my friends were making an effort to keep in touch but I didn't put in the effort back. Unfortunately, I don't really know what I could do now to recover them.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 31/01/2021 22:32

I have been both the shit friends and had a shit friend. For most people it is the cycle of life and learning about relationships.
I had a best friendship that was toxic and needed to end probably a year before it did, I grieved the friendship initially but now see it for what it was.

And as above I take being shit friend as not replying, having rows/bickers about things.

Not sleeping with husbands, that's beyond shit and I've never done that.

tatutata · 31/01/2021 22:33

Female friendships are so strange compared to male ones. Blokes seem to make about five friends over their entire lifetimes, and can quite happily pick up where they left off even decades later.

NotFabulousDarling · 31/01/2021 22:36

Surely anyone thinking a friend going through a tough time is a "shit friend" is, in fact, the one who is a shit friend? Hmm
How can anyone be so self centered?

Hydrate · 31/01/2021 22:39

A friendship is a relationship, if you take it for granted and do not nurture it may die. A friend may forgive neglect when there is a good reason for it, but it doesn't mean they are content to have a friend who is always wrapped up in themselves and has no time for others.

Emeraldshamrock · 31/01/2021 22:40

If I knew I'd been a shit friend towards someone due to circumstances I'd apologise and try talk it out I'd hope they'd understand if not at least I'd tried.

Hydrate · 31/01/2021 22:41

Whether the person knows they've been a poor friend or not depends on how aware they are of other people's feelings and of how they appear to other people. Some people are so self-absorbed they only think about themselves.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2021 22:42

@NotFabulousDarling

Surely anyone thinking a friend going through a tough time is a "shit friend" is, in fact, the one who is a shit friend? Hmm How can anyone be so self centered?
I agree with this.
Blimeyoreilly2020 · 31/01/2021 22:43

HibernatingTill2030 - this happened to my dh too...he just couldn’t cope at the time so refused all phone calls and none of them lived near to bump into etc. I did try to explain to his best mate when he rang to complain to me about dh’s lack of communication but I got short shrift. After that I decided they couldn’t really be particularly great friends if they couldn’t grasp that the usually dependable easy going bloke might be struggling and need support. Hope you have a good friend or so in your life now💐