To ask what your relationship with your own mother is like?

[Lia29]

Posting here for traffic. Never knew my dad so my mum was my only bio parent and was a single mum for many years (but she did have a fair few boyfriends in that time) until she met my stepfather when I was about 10. I didn’t have the best childhood but won’t go into the details here today.

Anyway, I feel like relationship with my mother is abnormal. When she met my stepdad she ended up having more children - my much younger siblings when I was a teen. Her life was all for my siblings than. I understand that little children take up so much time being a parent myself but she never made any time individually for me. I felt all my friends were going shopping, watching movies and had bonds with their mum. I felt like I lacked that. She was also very controlling. I moved out at 18.

We aren’t on bad terms as such, we haven’t fallen out in many years. I don’t think we would anything to fall out about because we don’t really communicate. We speak quite often but it’s very basic, more like friends but not close friends. I tell my friends more than I do her. I don’t feel able to talk to her about anything or everything.

We are complete opposites in our personality. She is outgoing and likes being the centre of attention, I do not. I don’t think she ever accepted how different we are. I think she wanted a ‘mini me’ and I never lived up to that. She doesn’t like people who don’t fit inside of her idea of normal and I guess I’m outside of that.

During adulthood I’ve never just been able to pop to my mums for a cuppa or met up with her. We’ve never just chilled together or been shopping.

I only see her when it’s with my children, her grandchildren. It seems she’s not interested in me but my children.

She can be generally hard work and ‘toxic’ but that’s another post.

I have a wonderful dp and children but I just feel like I’m lacking a relationship with anyone other than that. I do have some good friends but we are so busy with life, now lockdown we don’t get to see each other that often.

My younger siblings are a lot closer. I guess I’m a little green eyed. They are much more like her and I guess she likes that..they also get everything given on a plate where I had to earn money for everything I’ve ever had. But again that’s another post. I’m the only one with children. I’m treated so differently than my siblings. I know I’m older and moved out and I don’t need her as much but I feel like I don’t have her guidance at all!

I appreciate some people have lost their beloved mothers and probably feel in being a bit heartless posting this but I’m just feeling so glum that I haven’t got a mum j can just pick up the phone and speak to her.

Mil can be a nightmare sometimes but she has such a brilliant bond with all her children despite having quite large age gaps herself and I’m envious. I’m envious of the relationship she has. Particularly with her daughters - they go shopping, spa days, out for lunch etc and I’ve never had that. I know it’s not about material things but even a cuppa would be nice.

My own mum isn’t the easiest person to speak to so that makes it harder.

Any advice? Anyone else been in this situation? How do you deal with this?

The worst thing is it’s turning me into an anxious mess of a mum. Constantly worrying I’m not doing the best by my kids and it will go the same way for me and them! Stressing that I’m not a perfect parent 😩

Sorry this is a bit long!

I don't have that kind of relationship with my mum. I actually had a nice childhood, she was a great mum, but as I've gotten older I've realised that she is quite a difficult controlling personality and we differ on our opinions in just about everything unfortunately.

Just wanted to chime in and say you're not alone, I feel envious of friends who have mums they are close with, but such is life. Count yourself lucky you have a great dh and kids - grieve for the idea of the mum you wish you had and move on, that's my best advice

I barely have one with mine. She can go months without contacting me while she speaks to my sisters weekly.
A few years ago I decided to stop putting the effort into out relationship, it was taking up too much of my head space and making me feel like shit.
All that had happened is that we have even less contact now than before, but for me I feel more in control.

My mum was a lovely mum growing up. She adores and loves us all dearly. She drives me mad though , she lives down the road but never leaves the house (even pre COVID) talks about missing us but makes 0 effort , wants me to go there but I work full time and have kids who have clubs/bedtimes etc so it's hard. Now not seen her in almost a year , she gushes how much she misses us but I know minimal effort will be made once we're allowed contact again. She's quite bitter about a lot of things and I can't cope with it. I'd love us to be closer but I'm just intolerant of the drama .

My mum died in an accident just when I’d started uni. My dad was bereft and very quickly found a girlfriend, sold our family home and bought a new house that he lives in with her. Just so thankful they were too old to have kids together (she’s already got 5 of her own!!). He quickly became immersed with all of them and I never wanted to stay there for more a few nights and it felt uncomfortable). Luckily I didn’t need to move back after uni, as I had a grad job lined up.

So it’s different circumstances, but I understand the jealousy about other people’s lovely relationships with their mums. It’s really upsetting, as I mourn for a relationship I don’t have. My approach now is to be an amazing mum to my own DC and hopeful to grow old and enjoy time with them that my own mum never had.

Thank you all 💗 I’ve actually been much more relaxed in some ways during lockdown. Before lockdown id always feel obliged to take the kids to visit(she never came to us). But it’s been nice to spend some time at the weekends just the 4 of us! No family visits or stress has been nice!

@PeachPiePip

My mum died in an accident just when I’d started uni. My dad was bereft and very quickly found a girlfriend, sold our family home and bought a new house that he lives in with her. Just so thankful they were too old to have kids together (she’s already got 5 of her own!!). He quickly became immersed with all of them and I never wanted to stay there for more a few nights and it felt uncomfortable). Luckily I didn’t need to move back after uni, as I had a grad job lined up.

So it’s different circumstances, but I understand the jealousy about other people’s lovely relationships with their mums. It’s really upsetting, as I mourn for a relationship I don’t have. My approach now is to be an amazing mum to my own DC and hopeful to grow old and enjoy time with them that my own mum never had.

I am really sorry to hear about your mum! 💗 that sucks about your dad!

I’m not usually a jealous type person but I can’t help feel a little jealous sometimes when it comes to families etc!

I feel the same about people with amazing dads too. My dad is terrible. He doesn't even like us I'm sure. He never contacts us , if he does it's cos he's bored for 5 minutes and that's probably twice a year. When people say their dad is their world I feel so envious I just want my dad to love me and want to see us more.

I love my mum very much and she loves me, but we have relatively low contact. I probably speak to her on the phone once every two weeks, visit for a brew (literally 45 minutes) once a month to six weeks. We're just very very different people and we've always rubbed each other up the wrong way, so this way we can be nice and friendly when we do see each other rather than spending too much time and ending up sniping at one another. She has a completely different and very close relationship with my sister, which suits them.

I've got friends who speak to their mums for an hour a day on the phone every day and I've got friends who see their mum at Christmas and birthdays only, there's a huge range.

Love your children unconditionally, treat them equally, let them make their own decisions as they get older, and don't lie to them. I think that pretty much covers all the reasons I know of why friends I have don't have much contact with their parents - otherwise I'm sure you're doing absolutely fine!

Wow I cannot believe how similar our experiences have been, OP. You have my full empathy. I’m not sure what to add, but I have considered seeking counselling just to talk through my experiences, mostly because I’m so so scared of the impact it’s had on me as a mother. My mum was very strict and terrified me into succeeding in my education (despite being, like yourself, pretty neglected as a teenager as she focussed on my sibling who was 11 years younger). It’s made me an anxious wreck about my own children’s education and I don’t know how to break the cycle.

It's a bit of a intense relationship I guess due to my mum divorcing my dad and never remarrying. I love her to bits and am very protective of her because I do see how vulnerable she can be. It pains me how much she is hurt my father and her family which is something that has been very difficult because she values family so much. I do try my best to not cause her any more pain and do feel guilty for the pain I do cause her by living in a different country and the fact that long term she can drive me insane making me very reluctant to be within walk distance of her once she does move here to the UK (that is the plan). Communication wise we do very much clash I think as we both can easily be hurt and take what the other person says personally. She is also very much the typical asian mother where any criticism is meant out of love or worry for me rather then trying to hurt me. Unfortunately it does in return take me a lot of control to not retaliate right away etc and saying something that will equally hurt her. It can be frustrating to this day she can act as if she knows what is best for me and will keep banging on about it until I give in etc. Interest wise there are some overlaps but I think it was disappointing that I do not share her deep love for music and the music lessons I had until the age of 19 were wasted on because I have not touched a flute or piano since. I have recently tried learning the tin whistle and kalimba so maybe there is still some hope for her lol

@oopsiedaisie1

I feel the same about people with amazing dads too. My dad is terrible. He doesn't even like us I'm sure. He never contacts us , if he does it's cos he's bored for 5 minutes and that's probably twice a year. When people say their dad is their world I feel so envious I just want my dad to love me and want to see us more.

I don’t know my dad and I can’t miss what I do not have but I can relate somewhat. Dp is a great dad and it’s lovely my children have a great dad but I feel emotional when I never experienced the same but that’s a whole different story! I think it sucks more for those like you when you knew your dad but he wasn’t around much but in my case I never knew him at all!

I feel bad for saying it but I don't think I even love my Mum. Hard to explain how she is but mainly very clueless & devoid of any idea on how to parent. There's nothing bad about her, she's just useless! She's a taker in that she always jumps at an invitation to dinner, social events etc but never ever reciprocated. Pre Covid if there was ever a celebratory get together everyone else attending bought along something like wine, flowers etc but as per usual my Mum came empty handed. Nothing is ever her fault and she loves to play the martyr, she never ever puts herself out for anyone but listening to her speak to others you'd think she was Mother of the year!!!

Another one with a controlling mum. Basically you did what she wanted or she'd throw a temper tantrum, possibly including hitting you. So I was a nice conformist child, to keep the peace, and it took me ages to wean myself into making my own decisions, regardless of my mother's approval.

My mother has openly said to me that children are much more interesting before they start developing their own personalities and ideas, which possibly explains why she lost interest in me once I got to about age 10 (a pattern she's repeated with her grandchildren).

I say as little as possible to her, certainly not anything meaningful or it would be taken down and used against me! I actually can't think of a single time when it was just the two of us doing something together.

I'm very envious of those who have close bonds with their mothers, but come to realise that I just drew the short straw and didn't get one like that. Best thing I did was to realise that she wouldn't change and that I just need to have a relationship at a fairly superficial level.

@ServeTheServants

Wow I cannot believe how similar our experiences have been, OP. You have my full empathy. I’m not sure what to add, but I have considered seeking counselling just to talk through my experiences, mostly because I’m so so scared of the impact it’s had on me as a mother. My mum was very strict and terrified me into succeeding in my education (despite being, like yourself, pretty neglected as a teenager as she focussed on my sibling who was 11 years younger). It’s made me an anxious wreck about my own children’s education and I don’t know how to break the cycle.

Thank you. My mother was actually the opposite to strict. She had no boundaries at all but could be very controlling if that’s even possible to be both. I was of an average intelligence at school and generally enjoyed it but she never encouraged me to do anything or have any ambitions. I don’t feel like I am good at anything and don’t have confidence as was never encouraged. Saying that parents shouldn’t push too hard either though. It’s about being in between being too pushy and being relaxed I guess.

I think counselling could help. I was referred last year but then covid lockdown number 1 happened and I’ve never managed to speak to anyone. I don’t have much advice for you either, sorry! 🌸 some families make big age gaps works. Mil did. There’s 20 years between her oldest and youngest but the 20 year was moved out when she had youngest. I guess I was a teenager who still needed my mum! 😭

Forgot to add I had a landmark birthday back in the summer & very kindly friends, colleagues, family members gave me some lovely gifts. What did I get from my own Mum, yep absolutely nothing, zilch, nadda, zero.... but she came to my party and enjoyed everything on offer!!! Perhaps it's me and I just expect too much!

@Miggymoggymugwumps

I feel bad for saying it but I don't think I even love my Mum. Hard to explain how she is but mainly very clueless & devoid of any idea on how to parent. There's nothing bad about her, she's just useless! She's a taker in that she always jumps at an invitation to dinner, social events etc but never ever reciprocated. Pre Covid if there was ever a celebratory get together everyone else attending bought along something like wine, flowers etc but as per usual my Mum came empty handed. Nothing is ever her fault and she loves to play the martyr, she never ever puts herself out for anyone but listening to her speak to others you'd think she was Mother of the year!!!

Wow. Sounds very similar. I didn’t add it to my op but I’m not sure I feel any love for mine either. That sounds awful, I guess I do care but I’m not sure about loving her. That sounds awful I know. I can’t really explain.

My mum is similar. Nothing is ever her fault but the way she talks she makes everyone think she’s a great mum. She’s Always had a good way of hiding what things are really like behind closed doors!

@Miggymoggymugwumps

Forgot to add I had a landmark birthday back in the summer & very kindly friends, colleagues, family members gave me some lovely gifts. What did I get from my own Mum, yep absolutely nothing, zilch, nadda, zero.... but she came to my party and enjoyed everything on offer!!! Perhaps it's me and I just expect too much!

I can relate. I don’t get much if anything from mine either despite that I get them all gifts for birthdays and Christmas. My siblings have so much bought for them . I don’t expect much being older and having my own dc but a token gift would be nice!

Mine is strained. She drank a lot throughout my childhood but doesn't/can't admit to it which is a bone of contention in our family. Very controling, put all of my self-worth into how much I weighed and openly mocked me about my weight hoping I would hate myself enough to lose some.

I remember asked her why we never shop or have coffee like other girls and their mums and she said it's because I don't like you, I'll never be your friend, only your mother. I don't know if she loves me. I'm not sure I love her.

I'm no contact with my mother, haven't seen her since my early 20s, now 39. She attempts to friend request me on Facebook now and again but I don't respond. Lots of issues with my childhood which resulted in a long battle with depression, low self esteem and entertaining unhealthy relationships, people pleasing etc.
Her most recent attempt at contact, at the beginning of contact I was finally able to point out all the reasons we don't have a relationship, which she denied. She's never met any of her 4 grandchildren and she avoids my brother, don't know what that's about as his experience was very different to mine.
For a very long time I was envious of my friends who had good relationships with their mothers, but even they're not perfect. This was exacerbated when my grandma died, who I was very close to. Sadly decent adult role models, particularly women have been absent in my life.
I now have some great supportive female friends and an aunt related by marriage who I can reach out to.
My relationship with my dad has improved as I've got older and felt more confident in speaking my mind and not feeling responsible for his issues, drink related.
I guess I've come to accept my lot, appreciate the good relationships I have and not dwell on the things I don't have.

Mixed.
I have some unpleasant memories from childhood which I have tried to discuss with her but she has minimised them or explained them away as just how things were in those days. She would describe herself as good at reading people and is a self appointed fixer in her family when siblings have issues. Growing up I always felt she didn't like me and didn't have much in common with me, and as a result I was either trying to please her or tired of trying to be something I wasn't. My dad opted out somewhat when we were younger which want easy for her and as I get older and my own kids are growing up I'm more forgiving about some things. Other things I'm more angry about than I was at the time. Even as a child I swore to myself if and when I had my own kids I'd do things thr exact opposite to her and I have. Arr we close? I don't know. I've taken control after huge introspection by deciding not to confront her about the past any more. She is a good grandparent but I have very firm boundaries around what she says to them.

My relationship with my mum is fairly superficial. I've never been able to talk to her about anything remotely personal, the few times I tried as a child/teenager I was shut down so never had much of a relationship with her.

We talk on the phone every couple of months now and could sit and chat over a coffee. There's no bad feeling, just not much of a relationship.

I have siblings who she is much closer too, I'm definitely the outsider in my family.

I do feel sad about it sometimes, although this has lessened now I have my own adult daughter who I am close to

I love her and am grateful to her for giving me life and loving me and raising me to the very best of her ability. My Mother has been dead for 42 years.

I also grew up with a brother (golden child) who was allowed to be lazy. If she needed a pint of milk I was expected to go to the shop for it, didn’t matter if I was doing my homework and my brother was playing computer games I was expected to do it and told it wouldn’t take me long.

Growing up there was a lot of interfering and controlling. She wouldn’t even acknowledge that I had my own ideas about thing. I remember having to make a glove puppet for college - I chose my design and was happy to get on with it myself but she wanted me to do a different design and kept pushing. That was the first time I really stood my ground with her, she cold shouldered me.

Having my own children made her even worse. She was very pushy about how I should do things, I carried on doing my own thing. Her behaviour towards me became very spiteful and vindictive. She used to phone me expecting to have half hour chats with me during the day when she knew I had a toddler to look after - she expected me to ignore him, her wants came before his needs. When she visited she expected me to run around after her, I remember sitting down to feed DS and her expecting me to stop and go and get her something from the other room. The look she gave me when I said no, I was feeding DS - she really resenting me putting either mine or my children’s needs and wants before her wants.

We’re now non contact - she made my life hell after I had DC2, the demanding of my attention, the lack of respect towards mine and my children’s needs, the resentment she had towards my children I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. She refuses to apologise for her behaviour so I want nothing to do with her, luckily I live the other end of the country so I won’t run the risk of bumping into her.

@Lia29 yes I suppose that makes sense. For some reason I am desperate for my dad to just love us. Like if he rings I'm so sad if I miss it and when we go there I long for him to just be chatty but I don't mind not talking to my mum which is so mean because she would sacrifice life for her children. I suppose there is something deeply psychological and to be honest I wonder if not having the parent there are all is less hurtful but I guess it's so personal .