To ask what your relationship with your own mother is like?

[Lia29]

Posting here for traffic. Never knew my dad so my mum was my only bio parent and was a single mum for many years (but she did have a fair few boyfriends in that time) until she met my stepfather when I was about 10. I didn’t have the best childhood but won’t go into the details here today.

Anyway, I feel like relationship with my mother is abnormal. When she met my stepdad she ended up having more children - my much younger siblings when I was a teen. Her life was all for my siblings than. I understand that little children take up so much time being a parent myself but she never made any time individually for me. I felt all my friends were going shopping, watching movies and had bonds with their mum. I felt like I lacked that. She was also very controlling. I moved out at 18.

We aren’t on bad terms as such, we haven’t fallen out in many years. I don’t think we would anything to fall out about because we don’t really communicate. We speak quite often but it’s very basic, more like friends but not close friends. I tell my friends more than I do her. I don’t feel able to talk to her about anything or everything.

We are complete opposites in our personality. She is outgoing and likes being the centre of attention, I do not. I don’t think she ever accepted how different we are. I think she wanted a ‘mini me’ and I never lived up to that. She doesn’t like people who don’t fit inside of her idea of normal and I guess I’m outside of that.

During adulthood I’ve never just been able to pop to my mums for a cuppa or met up with her. We’ve never just chilled together or been shopping.

I only see her when it’s with my children, her grandchildren. It seems she’s not interested in me but my children.

She can be generally hard work and ‘toxic’ but that’s another post.

I have a wonderful dp and children but I just feel like I’m lacking a relationship with anyone other than that. I do have some good friends but we are so busy with life, now lockdown we don’t get to see each other that often.

My younger siblings are a lot closer. I guess I’m a little green eyed. They are much more like her and I guess she likes that..they also get everything given on a plate where I had to earn money for everything I’ve ever had. But again that’s another post. I’m the only one with children. I’m treated so differently than my siblings. I know I’m older and moved out and I don’t need her as much but I feel like I don’t have her guidance at all!

I appreciate some people have lost their beloved mothers and probably feel in being a bit heartless posting this but I’m just feeling so glum that I haven’t got a mum j can just pick up the phone and speak to her.

Mil can be a nightmare sometimes but she has such a brilliant bond with all her children despite having quite large age gaps herself and I’m envious. I’m envious of the relationship she has. Particularly with her daughters - they go shopping, spa days, out for lunch etc and I’ve never had that. I know it’s not about material things but even a cuppa would be nice.

My own mum isn’t the easiest person to speak to so that makes it harder.

Any advice? Anyone else been in this situation? How do you deal with this?

The worst thing is it’s turning me into an anxious mess of a mum. Constantly worrying I’m not doing the best by my kids and it will go the same way for me and them! Stressing that I’m not a perfect parent 😩

I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. That took me until my late 30s to realise. I don’t enjoy her company and we have nothing in common. Time spent with her alone is excruciating, and that’s before we get to my childhood. I know she had a crap childhood herself, and that she struggled with PND but none of that was my fault. My overriding emotion when I think back was that we were just an inconvenience, we made her tired and took attention from her.

I dread her being the parent that is left because I just know she will expect me to be there for her, especially as - unlike my siblings - I don’t have children. She’s made it quite clear on several occasions that I am not the woman she expected me to be, and I’m sure that will extend into her expectations that I will care for her when she’s old, not least because she’s made it clear that children are expected to look after their parents. Do I think she’s earned that right? Do I fuck.

My family refuse to accept my feelings on the matter, my siblings had better relationships so they don’t see what I experience, and other relatives excuse her behaviour. I just don’t know how to process it all.

I don't really have that sort of relationship with my mother either, although she was generally a very loving mother (although not perfect, she did get things spectacularly wrong sometimes). She is elderly now but even when she was younger and it would never have occurred to us to have a day out together to be honest. And I never shared my problems with her or anything.

Your relationship with your mother does sound difficult though and I don't mean to diminish that.

To ask what your relationship with your own mother is like?

My M was an absolute b*h but I do understand when a few posters say that they are jealous of people with good relationships with there DM, I often longed for this.
I was sexually abused by one of her long term boyfriend's, whom she went on to have 4 other kids with, she was the one who initiated the abuse then just let him get on with it. I really feel like she hated me!
As I grew up and had my own wonderful family she would talk about my childhood like it was perfect and spoke of things we'd done together, this never ever happened but she just blocked out all the bad stuff.
She adored her other 4 kids but just let them run riot. I was always a good kid!
Sorry for the long post but just wanted to get it off my chest.

Similar story. My mum remarried when I was 10, she was a single mum to me and my sister. She had 2 more children, uprooted us from our friends and school and moved us 200 miles away to live with him. My step dad didn’t want to uproot his children so it was never an option. When I was 16 she decided she didn’t like it much and moved back to our home town leaving me and my sister, then 19 (we didn’t want to move back). About 3 weeks later My sister moved In with her boyfriend so at 16 I found myself living alone. I’ve always idolised my mum but after a fallout with my sister A few years ago, my mum took her side. Our relationship has been strained since then. I realise looking back she never put me first. She is also very controlling. I can take her or leave her. See her every couple of weeks. I don’t does speak to any of the rest of my family, just my mum.

It is what it is. I’m gave my own family and children

Thepollonator
That's awful.

My mum is amazing. My dad, who died when I was in my early 20's however, was a twat.

I have 3 sisters and 1 brother who was 11 when my dad died, so he isn't aware of how much of a shit dad he was.

My mum was mum and dad and she is just so amazing. Can go to her with anything.

I'm NC with my mother now. She was emotionally abusive & controlling but careful to rein it in when my Dad was home & not travelling for his work. Things came to a head after my Dad died & she wanted me out of the picture as she'd met someone. I decided I was done. I had a good relationship with my Dad, similar interests etc,would go to the pub with him, so I suppose I didn't look to my mother for that closeness because he provided that . He was funny, clever & interesting to talk to. My mother was bitter, not very bright & had nothing to talk about. I do have older platonic male friends a lot, I think due to considering my Dad a friend ,not just my Dad .

I don't really have that sort of relationship with my mother either, although she was generally a very loving mother... She is elderly now but even when she was younger and it would never have occurred to us to have a day out together to be honest. And I never shared my problems with her or anything.

This is me as well. I love my mum and we have a good relationship. But we don't go for days out together. We spend a lot of time together but in the same way you see your mother - in family get together type situations. She knows what's happening in my life but I wouldn't confide in her like a friend. If I had some problem she'd just get either upset for me, angry at me that I'd done that thing, etc.

Your situation does sound tough and I also don't want to diminish that, but maybe it would help to seperate the two ideas. You wish you were closer and things were different growing up (fair enough), but it doesn't necessarily follow that you'd have a close friend type relationship with your mum now if that had happened.

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum. Much better since she divorced my dad 20 years ago. He was controlling and we were never allowed round.

We've been away for weekends and holidays (me and mum; and me mum and DS) and she is heavily involved with my DS. My DH also gets on brilliantly with her. We talk every day.

We have our moments but she really is the best and like a best friend to me

Will miss her when she's gone.

I went NC with my mother when my kids were little. She'd been physically and emotionally abusive when I was young but once I left home we managed to have a cordial if not close relationship, mostly based on me not doing or saying anything that would challenge her and ignoring she'd done that would have upset me. Once I had my kids that became impossible to manage - as a PP said she seemed jealous of the care I gave the kids and it seemed to bring out the worst in her, and then finally she engineered a situation to upset my wee daughter and inadvertently gave away that she was enjoying herself, and I just never contacted her again after that. I went to counselling for a while and that was very helpful, not least in that the counsellor could see the pattern in her behaviour (most of the things she did were absolutely horrible if deliberate, but also plausibly deniable) but actually also (to come to the point of answering your OP!) I really enjoyed counselling because it was so helpful to have the advice and listening ear of an older woman who had my best interests at heart. Just a shame it cost so much money! But it made me realise what I missed out on, apart from the stress and unpleasantness of having my mother in my life, which I was glad to be rid of, it also pointed out to me what I'd missed out on. I mean my dad was alright, and I miss him (he died 10 years ago) but he was so scared of my mum that she always dominated, even when she wasn't there. I remember when I passed my PhD viva, I phoned up my dad to tell him, and he'd had a fight with my mum, and that's what we talked about. He hardly acknowledged the PhD at all. I think as a kid I was desperate for any sort of parental love so I was very attached to my dad and I had this view of him as a really good dad but the truth is, while he was pleasant enough when I was around, his life was fully taken up with the psychological workload of being in a coercive control relationship with my mother and I have a lot of sympathy for him and the way his life went, but I couldn't in all honesty say he was a great dad because I was just never that interesting compared to my mum's latest mood.

I feel it's very hard to admit that don't have a close relationship with your mother, especially if you're a woman. The popular image is of this close bond and it's everywhere, in films, TV, books plus every advert seems to feature this close, loving, bond cobblers.

I never mention my feelings to my friends as they are all so close to their mothers, they ring them every day and run to them with every problem. On birthdays they seem to honour them like royalty and "Mum" is put on a pedestal. I just don't get it.

My mum was a good provider, I was fed and clean and clothed and she did love me. But I was completely ignored. I have no memories at all of any close, loving moments, never held her hand or hugged her, I don't ever remember even being alone with her, never read stories or played a board game with me. She was just so detached and uninterested in me, I was just a nuisance. My dad always came first, still does.

Now I don't know how to have a relationship with her, we talk about the weather and the news. We never say I love you. I'm grateful for social distancing as it means we don't have to have an awkward hug instigated by me. I don't know who she is or how she feels about anything, when we're together I feel like I'm at a job interview.

It's very reassuring to read here that others don't have a Hollywood perfect relationship with their mum. I've always blamed myself as I don't think my siblings feel like this.

Thanks all 🌸

Hi op its hard with families. Mine would be hard work late 70s. You wont change them. Limit time spent with them. Envy those with close bonds. Dont holiday with her as her own way. Some people are lucky with theirs.

I would say our relationship is very good. We can spend holidays together and get along well.
I know I could go to her if I was in trouble and I can rely on her to help me out and support me.
Our relationship has changed a bit since I had my own children and I have been helping her care for my grandparents.
However, I wouldn’t say it’s a ‘best friends’ relationship. She’s my mother. There are certain things I wouldn’t discuss with her - sex for example!
We disagree sometimes and upsetting her still distresses me a bit but I’m much better at saying no to her than I ever was!

Mine does not like the word no! Its great with covid less stress to visit in general!!!

@dayswithaY

I feel it's very hard to admit that don't have a close relationship with your mother, especially if you're a woman. The popular image is of this close bond and it's everywhere, in films, TV, books plus every advert seems to feature this close, loving, bond cobblers.

I never mention my feelings to my friends as they are all so close to their mothers, they ring them every day and run to them with every problem. On birthdays they seem to honour them like royalty and "Mum" is put on a pedestal. I just don't get it.

My mum was a good provider, I was fed and clean and clothed and she did love me. But I was completely ignored. I have no memories at all of any close, loving moments, never held her hand or hugged her, I don't ever remember even being alone with her, never read stories or played a board game with me. She was just so detached and uninterested in me, I was just a nuisance. My dad always came first, still does.

Now I don't know how to have a relationship with her, we talk about the weather and the news. We never say I love you. I'm grateful for social distancing as it means we don't have to have an awkward hug instigated by me. I don't know who she is or how she feels about anything, when we're together I feel like I'm at a job interview.

It's very reassuring to read here that others don't have a Hollywood perfect relationship with their mum. I've always blamed myself as I don't think my siblings feel like this.

Oh my goodness so much of this rings true with me! On Mother's Day I simply cannot bring myself to buy her a card with anything like "special Mum" on it or one with words bestowing how wonderful she has been because she simply hasn't! I have never confided in her or shared anything important to me with her because it literally goes in one ear and out the other. I just tolerate her now, but will never understand her attitude.

Non existent! Has been that way for 30 years and I am over 60 now so don't know if she is still alive or not.

My situation was very similar to OP but extremely abusive and toxic. Never knew my father either.

Thank God I married a terrific man and we have a fabulous adult dd. The day I finally cut my mother and all of her family out of my life was one of my best days ever.