Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not messaged my condolences

43 replies

SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:30

Hi guys. Really would like to know your thoughts on this issue as my dp is currently fuming at me because of this and I don’t think it’s fair to be.

His cousin passed away on the weekend just gone. Dp lives 2 hours from me and we aren’t currently seeing each other due to lockdown. So I could only offer support over the phone. Ive been trying my best and just saying the usual stuff that one says to someone when they’ve lost a loved one, including asking how his family is and keeping them in my thoughts and prayers - genuinely btw, not just for the sake of saying it.

Now I’m apparently a nasty vile person because I haven’t directly reached out to his family to offer condolences? Confused Firstly, I’m not close to his family really and don’t have any form of contact. In any other circumstances I would have been down there to offer my condolences personally but due to lockdown this is not possible. Secondly, when my Dm passed away 6 months ago none of his family reached out to me. I’m not saying this is why I didn’t reach out I’m just making the point that there seems to be some double standards going on here. I assumed he would pass on the condolences from me onto his family as I have been very verbal about how sorry I am for him and them.

Please tell me I’m not going mad.

OP posts:
BananaPop2020 · 30/01/2021 19:33

Your partner is being completely unreasonable, especially if you are not even close to his family.

LIZS · 30/01/2021 19:34

Ott. All sounds rather melodramatic. Had you even met the cousin?

StCharlotte · 30/01/2021 19:34

My cousin died this week. I wouldn't expect my DH to get in touch with our family.

Your DP and his family are being dicks.

Mischance · 30/01/2021 19:35

I think that when someone dies you want those closest to you to be in touch - vague acquaintances or people you do not know well are simply burdensome.

HTH1 · 30/01/2021 19:35

DM’s death trumps a cousin’s. YANBU!

Minky37 · 30/01/2021 19:36

But you have sent your condolences to the family, I.e. through him and to him?!
He’s being really daft about this.

happytoday73 · 30/01/2021 19:37

Ridiculous....
"Sorry I didn't think it was appropriate or needed... I judged what your family would expect on their response/communication to me after my mums death...."

Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:37

Thanks for the replies guys. @LIZS I’ve seen him a few times but never even had a conversation with him. His family aren’t particularly my biggest fans so I’m assuming I’m probably being used as a scapegoat for how they’re feeling....gotta be mad at someone right?

OP posts:
Same4Walls · 30/01/2021 19:38

Of course you're not being unreasonable but grief often makes people unreasonabl. Whilst it's obviously unfair he is getting cross at you is it possible that this anger is coming from a place of grief?

Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:38

@happytoday73

Ridiculous.... "Sorry I didn't think it was appropriate or needed... I judged what your family would expect on their response/communication to me after my mums death...."
Brilliant Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:39

@Same4Walls

Of course you're not being unreasonable but grief often makes people unreasonabl. Whilst it's obviously unfair he is getting cross at you is it possible that this anger is coming from a place of grief?
Yes I did assume this that’s why I haven’t really responded, but it’s also unfair that suddenly I’m the target
OP posts:
Same4Walls · 30/01/2021 19:41

Yes I did assume this that’s why I haven’t really responded, but it’s also unfair that suddenly I’m the target

Of course it's unfair you're the target but like you acknowledge how we act when we grieve is often unreasonable and he will probably feel mortified when he starts to process how he's behaved.

Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:43

@Same4Walls I hope so.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 30/01/2021 19:43

Don’t engage OP. Take a step back, you’ve offered your condolences and he’s now lashing out at you for no reason.

Step away for a bit, you’ll be damned if you say anything back as they’re grieving and you’ll be damned if you don’t say anything.

So I’d just leave it now.

Is he and his family usually nice to you?

Aprilx · 30/01/2021 19:45

I have lost both parents and a sibling since I met DH. The family have not contacted me directly and nor did I expect it, they passed on their wishes through DH. I think your partner is being unreasonable.

Aprilx · 30/01/2021 19:46
  • His family.
Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:49

@frazzledasarock thank you, I haven’t even responded as like you said I assume if I express my opinion I will be the bad guy either way. And haha, no. Most of them are extremely fake and have a lot to say about me behind my back.

OP posts:
besos21 · 30/01/2021 19:50

Firstly, I am incredibly sorry to hear about your DM, sending some very unmumsnetty hugs Thanks

That said, I think the situation sounds very tit for tat - there are vast portions of my fiancé's family I don't know hugely well/have never met due to them living across the globe, however they've recently gone through a number of bereavements (some of people I've never met/probably would never have met) but the first thing I've always done is get their contact details from my fiancé and send a message of condolence.

As a PP said however, grief does make people do some very odd things.

Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:51

@Aprilx apologies for your losses. I agree, I didn’t expect them to reach out when dm died but it just came to me that they have a bit of a nerve to be causing such a fuss over me not reaching out despite them also not doing that themselves. As I said I expressed myself to dp and would have expected him to pass that on to them.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 30/01/2021 19:51

How long have you been with your P?

They really don’t sound nice and your P doesn’t sound like he has your back.

Is your P worth all this aggro?

InTheDrunkTank · 30/01/2021 19:52

If he thought his family would appreciate your condolences he should have suggested you send a text. In your situation I can totally see why you didn't text of your own accord since you're not close to them.

Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:52

@besos21 thank you for your response Smile I guess I could have but just knowing how much they don’t like me, I would have felt a bit awkward getting into contact although maybe that’s just my own pride...

OP posts:
Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:55

@InTheDrunkTank

If he thought his family would appreciate your condolences he should have suggested you send a text. In your situation I can totally see why you didn't text of your own accord since you're not close to them.
Hiya, thanks for the response. Well according to him, he “shouldn’t have to tell me” Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:56

I do agree that this is all very over the top and has been blown greatly out of proportion but I was genuinely perplexed at dps comments so just had to gather some other opinions to ensure I wasn’t going mad. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 30/01/2021 19:57

I’d be texting him a goodbye message