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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not messaged my condolences

43 replies

SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 30/01/2021 19:30

Hi guys. Really would like to know your thoughts on this issue as my dp is currently fuming at me because of this and I don’t think it’s fair to be.

His cousin passed away on the weekend just gone. Dp lives 2 hours from me and we aren’t currently seeing each other due to lockdown. So I could only offer support over the phone. Ive been trying my best and just saying the usual stuff that one says to someone when they’ve lost a loved one, including asking how his family is and keeping them in my thoughts and prayers - genuinely btw, not just for the sake of saying it.

Now I’m apparently a nasty vile person because I haven’t directly reached out to his family to offer condolences? Firstly, I’m not close to his family really and don’t have any form of contact. In any other circumstances I would have been down there to offer my condolences personally but due to lockdown this is not possible. Secondly, when my Dm passed away 6 months ago none of his family reached out to me. I’m not saying this is why I didn’t reach out I’m just making the point that there seems to be some double standards going on here. I assumed he would pass on the condolences from me onto his family as I have been very verbal about how sorry I am for him and them.

Please tell me I’m not going mad.

OP posts:

NovemberR · 30/01/2021 19:58

I think I'd just end the relationship, to be honest.

He's two hours away and sounds a bit of a dick. If I'd lost my mum 6 months ago I couldn't be doing with all this drama around his cousin. The comment about being nasty and vile would have had me blocking him.

Eleoura · 30/01/2021 20:00

I'm sorry for your own loss OP. And so recently too

Sounds like you have rung and given your condolences already! What does your DP expect you to do? Does he think you should visit the relatives, drive there, do something more??? If you had been close, or knew the family better, I would send flowers or just a sympathy card. But it would usually be from us as a couple. I wouldnt expect him to send something, provide condolances AND you also! Especially as you arent close to them, have no direct contact.

I also agree with the reponse from 'happytoday73' and see what he says!

IMightCry · 30/01/2021 20:04

Is this a new relationship? I don't think he is being fair on you.

IMightCry · 30/01/2021 20:04

P.S I'm sorry about the loss of your DM

BeautifulStar · 30/01/2021 20:07

How do you know his family dislike you so much?

katy1213 · 30/01/2021 20:09

I don't think I'd be taking this relationship any further - do you want to end up with this demanding bunch of drama queens as your in-laws?
And how much 'support' do you need for the death of a cousin for heaven's sake.

littlepattilou · 30/01/2021 20:12

@SomewhereOverTheRainybow YANBU of course!

I think I would be distancing myself from this man, AND his family. I know they are grieving, but their attitude towards you is horrible, and from what you have said, I reckon they would be hostile and sniffy with you anyway, no matter what you did - or didn't do.

Seriously, do you really want to be part of this family?

littlepattilou · 30/01/2021 20:14

@SomewhereOverTheRainybow

Oh I forgot to say ... I am very sorry you lost your mother 6 months ago.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Housing101 · 30/01/2021 20:14

YANBU. Why would you contact his family about it if you're not close/ usually in contact

besos21 · 30/01/2021 20:39

@SomewhereOverTheRainybow I totally understand that - my fiancé's family also actively dislike me (religious issues) but I just have to tell myself sometimes that I am the bigger person!!

Chocomel · 30/01/2021 20:46

You've done nothing wrong. Would to calm things to pop a card in the post and say you think is will arrive shortly?

ColdCottage · 31/01/2021 00:16

Yanbu.

Merryoldgoat · 31/01/2021 00:59

Is this really a family you want to be entangled with?

When my mum died I was so busy being upset I wasn’t really aware of who sent condolences or anything. They sound like a group to avoid.

billy1966 · 31/01/2021 01:05

OP,

He's completely unreasonable and sounds like a nasty petulant prick.

This isn't grief.

This is him showing you EXACTLY who he is, and what his family are like.

Just awful.

You would be very wise to take note.

Sorey for the loss of your mother.

RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 01:20

@SomewhereOverTheRainybow

Thanks for the replies guys. *@LIZS* I’ve seen him a few times but never even had a conversation with him. His family aren’t particularly my biggest fans so I’m assuming I’m probably being used as a scapegoat for how they’re feeling....gotta be mad at someone right?

So this is deeper than the OP appears.

NotFabulousDarling · 31/01/2021 01:28

So his family doesn't like you and your DP uses you as a whipping girl (and not in a fun way) at the first opportunity? I mean seriously, the loss of a cousin? That's not grief, that's an excuse to be abusive.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
At this point I'd cool things off and find someone who holds you close in their heart when the chips are down, not someone who turns on you.

EerieSilence · 31/01/2021 20:04

He is ridiculous and you should probably take the time to start thinking about the future of your relationship.
Sorry about that.

KathleenTurnerOverdrive · 31/01/2021 20:07

YAB Why have you not gone to the nearest lampost to where the deceased lived, tied a football scarf to it and written a mawkishly sentimental tribute on your Facebook page about how he's 'wiv the angles.'

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