Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Everyone treats my SD different to my DC

27 replies

MrsGrif1992 · 30/01/2021 14:40

AIBU to expect everyone treat all my DC (inc SD) the same?
I’ve been with DH for 8 years (SD is 9 so have always been in her life)
Before we had our own children she was the only grandchild so understandably spoiled. We now have DS4 & DD who’s 2 and yet it feels like SD is still the one who’s given everything. And not just from DH family! My own dad will buy her bags of sweets to take home to her mums and little bits like this, yet said at Christmas “I’m Not getting DS & DD anymore toys they’ve got enough”
MIL (pre COVID) specifically requested to have SD For the night/weekend etc regularly. My daughter has stayed at her house once!! Once we even asked MIL to babysit, but said she couldn’t as working only to them volunteer to have SD the same day!
My DH aunty is SD god mum so always buys her a charm for her bracelet for birthdays and Christmas which is fine. I think it’s a lovely tradition. What really annoys me is that she’ll then get an extra present on top of that whereas my 2 DC are given a card and then a “family” gift card. I don’t particularly care about the value of presents but it’s heart breaking to explain to a 4 year old that his sister has got presents to open on Christmas Day that he doesn’t. I should also point out that it’s not like SD only gets treated like a queen when she’s with us, she’s an only child at her mums and the only grandchild there too so she wants for nothing.
Luckily SD loves her brother & sister and always offers to share anything and loves playing with her toys with them.
I’m not suggesting that if one gets a Barbie they should all get the exact same Barbie, but AITA for wanting people to largely treat them all the same!

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/01/2021 15:09

I buy extra for my god children, I don’t see why I should have to buy non god children the same as I’m not their god mother.

Your mil likely is trying to ensure she has a relationship with her as she lives with her mum and times she can see her will be limited.

LouiseTrees · 30/01/2021 15:11

I think the taking her at the house is easier a 9 year old than toddlers but the gifting is unfair. However the “ family” gift card should just be given to the birthday child as theirs.

Cocomarine · 30/01/2021 15:17

You’re creating problems where there aren’t any. How and why did you put a 4yo in the position of knowing that their sister had a present on Xmas Day and they didn’t? There’s no way all your family were together this last Xmas, is there? And even if they were, it’s easy to manage present distribution with small children, distracting and substituting 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re the one who created an extra present giver in the godparent.

Comparing wanting an 8yo for a sleepover to a 4yo is just silly.

Fastedbrownie · 30/01/2021 15:18

There's a big age gap. I have a decent (not huge, but larger than average) gap between my first crop of children and my second, and they get treated differently because they are at different stages in their lives. You buy a 9 year old expensive charms because they will appreciate them. For a 2yo, they're a choking hazard. 4 and under, I always just buy a bag of junk from poundland because they enjoy it more than expensive plastic and that's about the extent of their attention.

AStudyinPink · 30/01/2021 15:23

That’s a bit rubbish. Is she a particularly lovely kid? Sounds like she’s the favourite rather than it being ‘blood-family’ type favouritism.

ivfbeenbusy · 30/01/2021 15:23

Sometimes the novelty just wears off after the first grandchild/child in the family? I've very much noticed this

Cocomarine · 30/01/2021 15:27

It’s odd that you want to make a comparison between some sweets to take home to her mum’s for an 8yo, and not buying toys at Xmas for a 2 and 4yo who already have plenty. The 2yo wouldn’t even really know who the present was from!

Your dad perhaps makes a special effort - with the sweets - to make sure this child who is no blood relative of his doesn’t feel pushed out. The sweets are for a specific occasion - going back home. Which isn’t happening to your younger children. It’s not like he’s coming in with sweets to have there and then, for her to eat in front of their Oliver Twist eyes, is it?

The only thing that sounds rubbish is refusing to babysit then offering to have the 8yo later. Maybe something changed... or maybe an 8yo is fun and a 4yo is work?

Indecisive12 · 30/01/2021 15:32

An 8 year old having a sleepover is far easier and far more enjoyable than having a 4 year old over.

Original poster

MrsGrif1992 · 30/01/2021 16:15

I get why she gets the extra Pandora charm as a godmother gift, that’s lovely as I said.
And it’s not limited time at her mums. MIL and DH ex have a close relationship. She’s often got her on times where it’s not our weekend for SD. Plus pre COVID we would all go round to MIL every Sunday so no real excuse to want to see SD more and exclusively on her own.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGrif1992 · 30/01/2021 16:18

They knew as we only got the presents from aunty today because of COVID. So SD was given 2 presents to open, while DS & DD didn’t have anything. If I’d have known I wouldn’t have taken them, but all we were told is that there were some presents waiting from Christmas. We naturally assumed this would be for all the children

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGrif1992 · 30/01/2021 16:19

As for enjoying time with 9 year old over my 4 year old. One it’s completely unfair for a grandma to openly and so obviously have a favourite like that.
Secondly, the requests for sleepovers with SD have been consistent her whole life, not just as she’s got older.

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 16:25

Not sure i would want my dc unsupervised with such a woman.. Blatant favouritism stinks.
I pulled my dm up on it back in the days she did see my dc.. Never alone, having dd on a throne under my nose...

PurelyT · 30/01/2021 16:29

You'll get people like the first poster saying 'why should X get the same as Y' when they'd probably be saying the complete opposite if your parents treated your DSD differently to their biological DGC.

Fwiw, no I don't think YABU. But you won't win this one on here.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2021 16:41

Looking after a 9 year old is easy compared to a 4 and 2 year old. It could just be that she is oldest grandchild. Mil favours our eldest child. Not in a hugely bad way but she just has a stronger bond with him and finds his company the easiest. He happily goes for granny sleepovers and she said he is lovely company, where his younger siblings are more hardwork and a bit clingy to me.

Cocomarine · 30/01/2021 16:48

@MrsGrif1992

What actually happened? Because in your previous post about the godmother aunt’s presents, you were pulling the extra “on Xmas Day” heartstring? 🤨

If this happened today, your younger 2 got cards each and a family gift card which you could get them to open together, with plenty of, “ooooh, Auntie has go you a voucher so you can choose the toy you’d like - that’s kind! What would you like to get?”

It certainly does sound lazy to do a present for one but gift card for the other two - but it still sounds like you’re talking it up into more than it is.

Why don’t you tell the aunt that at this age, the younger ones prefer something to unwrap if that’s what their sister has - so you’re happy to provide suggestions instead of the gift card.

MissMarpleDarling · 30/01/2021 16:57

My nephew at 9 is fine to look after but at 4 I didn't want to babysit him. Hard age.

MissMarpleDarling · 30/01/2021 16:57

At 2 he was even worse.

HorseOfPhillipMoss · 30/01/2021 17:01

I'm much closer to my grandparents than my other cousins, I was the first grandchild, DF also used to work away and my grandma was a nursery teacher so mum and I spent a lot of time there especially in the holidays. Grandma was also my nursery teacher. My brother is a few years younger and has a good relationship with them but not as close. My other cousins have good relationships but again there's something special about the relationship I have with them. As adults it is in part because I make a consistent effort with them as an individual, my cousin's are still added to cards etc from their parents and rarely go to visit unless a special occasion, pretty sure none of them just call for a chat. I do.
Having said all of that we have always been treated identically in terms of presents etc.

Fastedbrownie · 30/01/2021 22:14

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

I'm much closer to my grandparents than my other cousins, I was the first grandchild, DF also used to work away and my grandma was a nursery teacher so mum and I spent a lot of time there especially in the holidays. Grandma was also my nursery teacher. My brother is a few years younger and has a good relationship with them but not as close. My other cousins have good relationships but again there's something special about the relationship I have with them. As adults it is in part because I make a consistent effort with them as an individual, my cousin's are still added to cards etc from their parents and rarely go to visit unless a special occasion, pretty sure none of them just call for a chat. I do. Having said all of that we have always been treated identically in terms of presents etc.

You will probably find that second part is directly correlated to the first part. Reap what you sow sort of thing.

Pippa234 · 31/01/2021 01:16

YANBU OP, Honestly I think you either need to confront these issues or pull back.
Playing favourites isn't very kind.

Shaniac · 31/01/2021 01:23

Op yanbu. Mn has a huge issue with step mothers and believe step children should be put on a pedestal and have superior treatment to any subsequent dcs you have with their father.

In reality they should be treated equally as you say. If one gets they should all get.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 31/01/2021 01:35

Have you addressed it with anyone ?
I buy for my godchildren who have siblings that I don't buy for ( not my neice and nephew ) but did you day dh aunt? So maybe if she wasn't dsd godmother she wouldn't buy normally for great neices/ nephews but gets something ?? Or is it dh sister so aunt ?
Your dad maybe he does it so he doesn't get accused of being biased to his gc , do you let yours have sweets ?
Mil having 9 year old is easy and she may of had her when younger but she also would of been younger .
Just looking at other side her , all that said if your 4 year old is noticing then maybe discuss with them how they feel and that they have commented? What does your dh think ?

sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2021 01:53

I think leaving any child out is dreadful, whether it's the stepchild or younger children. There's no need for it and it causes divisions and resentments that don't need to be there.

What does your DH think about it? Could he speak to his parents about it, and you speak to your Dad?

We have a situation where DH's mother openly favouritises DS1 over DS2, because she thinks he's more academic, more hard-working etc. It's bloody horrible, and DH has pulled her up on it. We have very little contact with her now, because she hasn't earned a good relationship with DS2, he doesn't like her, and we don't want either of them exposed to it.

XelaM · 31/01/2021 02:05

I was the oldest grandchild for my mum’s parents and even though they had 5 other grandchildren, I was always and by far their favourite and my grandmother never even tried to hide it.

Gor my dad’s parents their oldest grandchild (my cousin) was by far their favourite.

That’s just how it goes.

XelaM · 31/01/2021 02:10

The thing is, there is just nothing you can do about it. Sometimes grandparents just love one grandchild over the others and no amount of talking will force your MIL to feel otherwise.

Flip

1 2