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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New identity and new life or just move out?

33 replies

RunAwayForever · 30/01/2021 13:02

I’ve just read the thread on running away and it’s opened up a can of worms. My plans have just opened up to more possibilities. I’d be grateful for anyone’s thoughts.

I’m in an emotionally abusive marriage. I don’t have my own children but my situation is compounded by adult step children and an ex wife who have destroyed me almost to the point of no return.

Why am I still here? Because I am risk averse to the point of ridiculous and my anxiety stops me from making the big step out.

I couldn’t face the thought of living anywhere I couldn’t close the door on a home that I didn’t have to share with anyone. I don’t have friends and family to call upon.

So I’ve worked three jobs and saved and saved and I am now in a position to make a decision. I have £18k in savings - it’s taken two years to get here and a lot of hard work so I think you’ll understand I don’t want to waste it.

I can’t share a room, I just couldn’t do it, so my bare minimum would be a studio flat.

I have an enjoyable and fairly well paid job. That’s the only thing keeping me in this area.

Should I relocate to a new city and potentially take on a new identity? Or should I stay at my job, rent a local flat and risk him persuading me to come home?

How easy is it to relocate? Sorry if this sounds silly. I feel a bit silly writing it.

OP posts:
heidbuttsupper · 30/01/2021 13:04

Move to a new city. Start afresh Thanks

MsJaneAusten · 30/01/2021 13:09

Just you and him? No kids? No family nearby?

Move. You don’t need a new identity necessarily, but change your social media name, maybe use a nickname.

Rent first (quicker and easier to sort without him knowing). Keep saving. Then when you know the area a bit better you can buy.

MsF1t · 30/01/2021 13:10

Are you doing the kind of job where you can work from home? If so, I'd be tempted to move, but keep the job for now, until you find something else. Good luck!

VanGoghsDog · 30/01/2021 13:13

I moved to a totally new area and it was fine. I could still commute to my job, in fact I was technically closer though the journey was only a bit less.
My ex wasn't going to chase me so I didn't have that worry. But I don't think you need to change you'd name, just reduce contact possibilities by blocking his number, and email, and not giving him your address. Delete mutual friends from Facebook etc.

CrotchBurn · 30/01/2021 13:16

Move to a new city for sure. No question.

Is there anywhere you have always been inexplicably drawn to?

InescapableDeath · 30/01/2021 13:16

I'd move and start afresh if you can get references and stay in the field you enjoy.

SwanShaped · 30/01/2021 13:21

It depends how big your city is. But a new place would mean you weren’t looking over your shoulder. Then change social media to be a nickname and not your photo as a profile pic. Can you commute or wfh?

Aimee1987 · 30/01/2021 13:21

I would also say new city new start. Also if you move out of that city might your savings offer a better opportunity. Mabey more then just a studio flat.

Grooticle · 30/01/2021 13:30

I’d move. New start.

It’s actually very easy to legally change your name if you want to.

Can you keep your job if you move away?

BlueSuffragette · 30/01/2021 13:36

I'd move away. New place, new start. Good luck. x

underneaththeash · 30/01/2021 13:38

Depends where you are - London is so big that you wouldn't be easy to find anyway and there are more career opportunities there too. But, otherwise, yes - I'd just go and have a fresh start elsewhere.

CrotchBurn · 30/01/2021 13:41

I wouldn't go to London straight away though unless you are from there. With all you have been through you might need somewhere a little cosier feeling like bristol or Sheffield or brighton

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/01/2021 13:44

I moved to a new area where I knew no one. I would've moved to the moon if it meant I was away from exh and his family.

I say move away and start fresh. You don't need a new name or identity.

TreacleHart · 30/01/2021 13:46

You don't have to get a new identity . When you are ready to leave, inform the police you are not a missing person you are just leaving your relationship and don't want them to know of your location. That way of your ex were to report you missing they would just say you are not.

natalienewname · 30/01/2021 14:03

Unless there is a compelling reason to stay in your city I would consider a fresh start.

You can be anyone you want to, take up new hobbies, explore new interests.

Could you move somewhere more rural, like a large village, where it might be easier to meet people? (I've never had to many friends as when I moved from London to a village although granted I know not everyone feels the same way)

You've been really brave in making this decision to leave, and clever to save up. Without being flippant, as I absolutely don't want to be and know you've obviously had a tough time, it sounds like the making of a novel.

I think many of us would envy the chance to start again, do what pleases us most rather than trying to please everyone else.

Good luck

Cottagepieandpeas · 30/01/2021 14:06

@TreacleHart

You don't have to get a new identity . When you are ready to leave, inform the police you are not a missing person you are just leaving your relationship and don't want them to know of your location. That way of your ex were to report you missing they would just say you are not.
I’ve never heard this advice before but it’s so helpful.
Original poster
RunAwayForever · 30/01/2021 14:16

I think London and south east will be too expensive.
Does anyone know Norwich area and what the job market is like?

OP posts:
Original poster
RunAwayForever · 30/01/2021 14:16

Thanks for all the advice it’s really helpful.

OP posts:
grassisjeweled · 30/01/2021 14:18

Can you get a transfer through work?

honkifyourtired · 30/01/2021 14:21

I live in Norwich. There are plenty of retail jobs available. Good luck op! I hope you get out safely! A fresh start is just what you need Daffodil

natalienewname · 30/01/2021 14:28

I've got family in Norwich area, they love it, very happy there. Moved fairly recently and made lots of friends.

I can't advise on jobs, but generally the east of England has low unemployment. Perhaps also consider Bury St Edmonds, or Ely if your budget would stretch.

What kind of work do you do/would you want?

BonnieDundee · 30/01/2021 14:34

If youre worried he'll persuade you to come back I think I'd go where somewhere he didnt know so he couldnt contact me. Close down all social media. Good luck Flowers

Mildredandmaud · 30/01/2021 14:39

Well done for saving all that up OP!
Some great advice here! I can’t add anything except to agree with others - no need to change identity, but definitely move away. I’m a single person and I’ve moved town/city lots of times.
Great idea with telling the police before you go! You could also ask the police to give you some advice about how to prevent being traced by your abusive H. Things like not joining the electoral roll/open register and being x-directory.

Good luck!!

Els1e · 30/01/2021 14:42

What about getting a live in job until you decide where you want to go. There are agencies that specialise in live in housekeepers etc. Good luck 💐

user13752257 · 30/01/2021 14:43

One thing to consider is any support you may need to help you as you recover from the abuse. As well as your plan/position re divorce.

Have you been able to discuss any of this with Women's Aid?

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