Page 2 | To think that this is worrying from a nearly 4 year old?

Topsyswervy · 2021-01-29T22:23:42+00:00

My dc has just told me that 'I'm not very clever', 'not very good at doing things' and that they 'do better things than me'. The other day they held up their (dinner ) knife and said 'I want to hurt you'. They have never come out with anything like this before. They are a very affectionate child and usually full of compliments. I would have been less surprised if they were a teenager ( I don't include the knife comment in this! ) but all of these comments were completely out of the blue and unexpected. AIBU and reading too much into this, or AINBU and right to consider that this is potentially concerning?

RJnomore1 · 29/01/2021 23:38

Ok honestly this concerns me a bit. Small children have an urge at times to be best and are ya toes with it but usually they think their parents are great

At that age it’s usually my dads bigger than your dad and no threats of violence with tools. I’d at least chat to your health visitor.

RealisticSketch · 29/01/2021 23:40

Sounds like a combination between testing boundaries and personality. I wouldn't think it was darkly sinister, but I would take the opportunity to state that we don't talk to people that way and you can be proud of yourself without putting someone else down. Don't overreact but don't tolerate it.

bitliketonyhares · 29/01/2021 23:46

Um, if my dc held up a knife and said I want to hurt you, I'd be seeking some therapy or professional input - not saying, "that's not kind". Am I the only one who thinks this isn't Normal behaviour?!

RealisticSketch · 29/01/2021 23:50

My children make jokes like these. They are definitely joking it is usually hammed up for comedy dramatic effect, but they're older and able to get that across better.
It all depends where it's coming from really.
I suppose I said don't worry because it's common for children to try out saying stuff, but it could be something more worrying. If he had a violent dad for instance or watched horrible TV.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/01/2021 23:56

Have you asked why they want to hurt you? Need to rule out them hearing voices.

AIMD · 29/01/2021 23:56

My son can be a bit like this at time about me or other people, saying things like “I’m a better at drawing though” or “my present was better”.
I have interpreted it as a sign that he is feeling insecure and using it as a way to make himself feel better. Dunno if that’s right or not but that’s my gut feeling as to why my son says things.

I wouldn’t worry so much about the actual things your sons say, more about what might be behind them, if that makes sense.

My kids are really struggling at the moment with lockdown 3, as are several adults I know. It’s a hard time so maybe this is a reflection of that?

Partedinsurprise · 29/01/2021 23:57

Um, if my dc held up a knife and said I want to hurt you, I'd be seeking some therapy or professional input - not saying, "that's not kind". Am I the only one who thinks this isn't Normal behaviour?!

I'd be concerned if it was happening all the time and was coupled with out of character withdrawn or aggressive behaviour (among other things) but as someone working in child psychology I assure you that what the OP has described is not concerning to me unless there were other factors at play. Children say the most outrageous things. The other day my 5 year old looked me dead in the eye and said "you know mummy, not all fires start by accident"

Then merrily carried on with his playdough.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/01/2021 00:05

@Partedinsurprise

Um, if my dc held up a knife and said I want to hurt you, I'd be seeking some therapy or professional input - not saying, "that's not kind". Am I the only one who thinks this isn't Normal behaviour?!

I'd be concerned if it was happening all the time and was coupled with out of character withdrawn or aggressive behaviour (among other things) but as someone working in child psychology I assure you that what the OP has described is not concerning to me unless there were other factors at play. Children say the most outrageous things. The other day my 5 year old looked me dead in the eye and said "you know mummy, not all fires start by accident"

Then merrily carried on with his playdough.

This made me chuckle. I said that to my nan at a similar age when I finally figured out matches. She didn’t take me seriously until I almost burned her bed.

Twillow · 30/01/2021 00:12

@WithinAForestDark

Is it a girl or a boy? Your gender non-specific OP is a tad irritating.

How is it at all relevant? Would you think it's ok for a boy but weird for a girl, for example??

bitliketonyhares · 30/01/2021 01:57

@Partedinsurprise

Um, if my dc held up a knife and said I want to hurt you, I'd be seeking some therapy or professional input - not saying, "that's not kind". Am I the only one who thinks this isn't Normal behaviour?!

I'd be concerned if it was happening all the time and was coupled with out of character withdrawn or aggressive behaviour (among other things) but as someone working in child psychology I assure you that what the OP has described is not concerning to me unless there were other factors at play. Children say the most outrageous things. The other day my 5 year old looked me dead in the eye and said "you know mummy, not all fires start by accident"

Then merrily carried on with his playdough.

Ok kids are terrifying 😂 I hold my hands up, I've no idea what's deemed normal - but this has made me laugh when I needed it 😂

Lass67 · 30/01/2021 03:04

It is normal for a 3 year old to push boundaries and say things like that- because they don’t understand the consequences and what they are saying. They have only just started down the road of moral development.
You do not need to rule out hearing voices!!! That’s pretty much a non - existent possibility in a three year old!

Your child is totally ego centric at that age and is working on boosting that ego. He doesn’t really understand that you have feelings too, and the only ‘right and wrong’ he will know is what he gets rewarded and punished for. You are doing the right thing- say that’s not kind, that hurts my feelings, that’s not nice. If he threatens you then be more firm. Don’t make it a ‘good boy’ ‘bad boy’ thing- make it about the behaviour rather than him. If he is pleasant then make a big deal about it and say how lovely that is and how nice it is for others to hear nice things. Do something he likes and make it clear nice things happen when you are kind.

I would also (if you haven’t already) buy him a doll and work on playing looking after it. It’s something that develops his idea that others have needs and can help him with nurturing and caring.

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 04:19

Sounds about right to me. My step brother was like this from about age 8 to 13. Utter contempt for me and thought I was stupid and couldn't possibly know what photosynthesis was 🙄 Also got the occasional 'I could kill you if I tried'.

Little fucker never tried it though because I was a foot taller than him.

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 04:19

I do love him btw he was just very very anti-me for years as a kid. Still not sure he respects me now. Don't blame his mum as me and her are great friends and she's very respectful of me.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/01/2021 04:29

@WithinAForestDark

Because if it doesn't matter why doesn't OP just say?

It's pretentious and twee especially when discussing a 4 year old.

So very true. I am sick of this kind of wokeness. if the child makes a choice it is one thing, but parents who pretend they don't know the sex of the child --- using the "they" pronoun all the time makes me think they have twins.

NiceGerbil · 30/01/2021 04:31

Honestly? That would really bother me

Where have they learned this?

The kid is only 4. Yes that would worry me a lot.

SeasonFinale · 30/01/2021 07:46

Out of interest is your DH/DP on the scene and does he belittle you at all? Perhaps DS is mimicking the behavior of DH/DP?

(Other than the knife thing)

inquietant · 30/01/2021 07:48

@WithinAForestDark

Is it a girl or a boy? Your gender non-specific OP is a tad irritating.

because if it's a boy it's fine? If it's a girl it's not? Or the other way round?????

Originalusername2021 · 30/01/2021 07:54

I always use DC in my posts because it’s less identifying and also because why would it matter?

NotanotherSAHM · 30/01/2021 08:25

@Lass67

It is normal for a 3 year old to push boundaries and say things like that- because they don’t understand the consequences and what they are saying. They have only just started down the road of moral development. You do not need to rule out hearing voices!!! That’s pretty much a non - existent possibility in a three year old!

Your child is totally ego centric at that age and is working on boosting that ego. He doesn’t really understand that you have feelings too, and the only ‘right and wrong’ he will know is what he gets rewarded and punished for. You are doing the right thing- say that’s not kind, that hurts my feelings, that’s not nice. If he threatens you then be more firm. Don’t make it a ‘good boy’ ‘bad boy’ thing- make it about the behaviour rather than him. If he is pleasant then make a big deal about it and say how lovely that is and how nice it is for others to hear nice things. Do something he likes and make it clear nice things happen when you are kind.

I would also (if you haven’t already) buy him a doll and work on playing looking after it. It’s something that develops his idea that others have needs and can help him with nurturing and caring.

This. Children are learning and it’s our job as parents to shape and guide them. Try to use every issue like this as an opportunity to discuss and educate them in correct responses.

My DD is 4 and we had similar when she started preschool and later, school. Talk of “killing” etc which she obviously picked up from other children (probably from older siblings that have seen those things on tv) we just explained calmly that it isn’t something we say and it’s not nice etc and it stopped after the novelty had worn off. She didn’t understand what she was saying as she had no concept of death/ dying etc at that age.

Similarly, at Christmas we had a bit of ungrateful behaviour when she received a duplicate gift, my husband was mortified but why would she know how to react and not just blurt out that she already had one? It’s a learned response that we use to protect others feelings, these things take time.

Re the competitiveness, it’s human instinct- survival of the fittest. Maybe play lots of board games and practice taking turns. Don’t always let them win and use it to say “I understand you are upset that you didn’t win but we had fun playing, didn’t we?! Shall we play again- you might win next time”
It’s only now at nearly 5 that DD will say well done to the winner and enjoy the playing of the game- these things take time to sink in.

I do also think that unfortunately, they need to experience some of these feelings for themselves to understand that what they are saying is hurtful. In the first few weeks of reception, we had lots of “X said they aren’t my best friend anymore” and it was awful to see her so upset but now she understands what it feels like to have her feelings hurt and we’ve explained why she shouldn’t say those things to others and remember how it felt.

Lass67 makes a good suggestion re the doll. I also have a DS and so many boys toys have aggressive tendencies and references- pirates, knights, dinosaurs etc
It’s important to balance that with talk of feelings and compassion. Care and respect for animals is also a good way to open up conversations if you have pets...

It is all completely normal and you have done nothing wrong, it’s all about how you deal with these things when they come up 🙂

Hilarias · 30/01/2021 08:28

I knew it would be a boy from the Op refusing to say at first.

SeahorseoramI · 30/01/2021 08:30

my Dh does sometimes insult me in a joking way
Do you find this funny?

BoKatan · 30/01/2021 08:31

I remember when my son turned 4 and it was like someone flipped a switch with him. He went from a loving and adorable little boy to a still loving and adorable but also occasionally downright horrible little boy. He's 8 now and mostly lovely again and not a sociopath, but that phase was not pleasant! As others have said, I think it's about pushing boundaries, and also becoming more aware of things other people say around them etc.

MissyB1 · 30/01/2021 08:38

Christ why would it matter if it’s a boy or a girl??! Surely it’s not desirable behaviour in either?
OP work on your child’s empathy skills. You can do this through play with small world play toys/ dolls, role play, or by watching some (appropriate) TV, C beebies often have shows that help promote conversations about feelings.
It’s also about social skills, what’s appropriate and inappropriate to say to people. At 4 they are still very much learning this, but they need our help and guidance.

Bluesheep8 · 30/01/2021 08:47

Do you put yourself down a lot op? Has the child heard you doing this maybe?

Stroppyshite · 30/01/2021 08:52

Hi.Childcarer of 20 plus years here. I wouldn't be overly concerned by this, but I would question whether someone has said something to them, just in case. Is he at school at the moment? Has he watched something to inspire this?
4 is an age, in my experience, where they do start to challenge adults more and they can start to be a bit full of themselves (excluding the wanting to hurt you comment). They have worked out that you can be wrong about things/have imperfections and some seem to revel in being 'the best' at everything.Could he be putting you down to big himself up in this way?
Investigate a bit, but otherwise point out how he would feel if this was said to him and reward/praise kind actions and words. They don't really get empathy so you have to spend time getting them to think outside of themselves.