To be annoyed that he has drunk all the gin again?

alittlebitofbreadandnocheese · 2021-01-29T21:55:52+00:00

My DH is a drinker. He rarely goes out (when we could go out that is) and drinks at home. His weekly consumption spread over Thursday to Sunday is 6 bottles of wine. I think he drinks too much but after trying to discuss it with him many times have given up hope of him ever cutting down. I on the other hand would rather drink on a night out and only occasionally have a G&T at home. I had some gin left after a Zoom quiz last week and had just discovered that he has finished it along with the wine he buys! AIBU to think this is out of order? I want a drink only occasionally and yet there is never any left because the greedy twat has drunk it all!

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 22:00

He has a drinking problem. He drank your gin, I assume, because he’s addicted.

44PumpLane · 29/01/2021 22:03

1.5 bottles of wine a night for 4 consecutive nights per week is a drinking problem..... Plus whatever else he hoovers up including your gin!!

YANBU to want to be able to have an occasional drink if you feel like it. But given you live with an alcoholic it may be best (for you in terms of the occasional enjoyment) to hide your own gin and mixers for it. Or buy pre prepared cans of G&T and lock them away/hide them so you know there will be one available should you fancy.

I am a rare drinker and fancied one tonight, I wpiod have been incredibly pissed off if my other half had drunk the house dry.

Whatisthisfuckery · 29/01/2021 22:12

55 units of alcohol over 4 nights is a drink problem. YANBU for being pissed off the old soak has guzzled your gin.

LemmysAceCard · 29/01/2021 22:15

DP is the same, he can drink a lot. For his birthday he was given 2 big bottles of rum, within 3 weeks he had drunk it all.

I am not a big drinker but do sometimes drink at home. For my birthday I got a few bottles of gin. After he drank his rum he has drunk a couple of bottles of my gin. I wouldn’t mind if it was bought to stock up, but they were gifts. So selfish. He didn’t even ask me.

I told everyone not to get me gin for Christmas as I didn’t want him to drink it for me.

Original poster

alittlebitofbreadandnocheese · 29/01/2021 22:16

I am totally pissed off by this! I have been working flat out and just really fancied one drink. He has form, drank a bottle of champagne to himself that we were bought as a wedding present. He just does not care or see how selfish he is being. And it's not just the excessive drinking, he is overweight, over 50 and a smoker. It really worries me.

OP posts:

sandgrown · 29/01/2021 22:17

My ex did this all the time. I would have one glass and he would polish off the rest. He would drink things he didn’t like and take gifts I had been bought. I could never have booze in in case anybody called as he just drank it all. I hid things and watered spirits down but he just kept drinking. We are now separated and it is so nice to be able to have a drink if I fancy one.

Original poster

alittlebitofbreadandnocheese · 29/01/2021 22:19

*Lemmysacecard
*
Love the user name! Yes I'm the same. I have poured bottles of alcohol down the sink that have been bought for me just so that he didn't drink them!

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 29/01/2021 23:20

He's an alcoholic, and that can lead to some really bad behaviour. By calling him greedy and selfish, in a way it's tricky if he has limited ability to control his drinking right now, but maybe it's also a way for you not to acknowledge that it's not just greed, it's a serious addiction.

Does he acknowledge that his drinking is a problem?

Lalliella · 29/01/2021 23:33

He’s not an alcoholic. It would take more than that, and he wouldn’t be able to have the 3 day gaps. He does have a dependency though and he is greedy and selfish. Sadly only he can do something about it, and he has to want to change. You need to talk to him when he’s sober about this you feel.

Original poster

alittlebitofbreadandnocheese · 29/01/2021 23:51

I agree that only he can change. I think that the worst of it all for me is that I am a social worker and know that he is dependent. I spend my days dealing with families torn apart by substance misuse and end up with someone who could be on my case load!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 30/01/2021 00:00

Not good OP.
Protect yourself.

Andante57 · 30/01/2021 00:03

Op please go to al Anon - or a zoom meeting at the moment. You will find help and support there.

Midlilfecrisis37 · 30/01/2021 00:10

"just really fancied one drink"
just discovered that he has finished it along with the wine he buys!
You are lucky -you can take it or leave it. An alcoholic drink may be equivalent to a sweet addict to a bowl of ice-cream, although they eat less ice-cream than alcohol.
You are aware of the dangers of substance abuse from your job and are wary, which I admire.
Your partner has a very common addiction to the drug called alcohol - in years to come alcohol will become the same demon as cigarettes used to be many years ago, I hope. Your gin is the same as a last mars bar in the cupboard to a person who adores chocolate.

He is in a wonderful place of denial which I like to visit alot. He, with your help, needs to see that he is addicted to alcohol -this is a slow non-pressured process but is within the person's realisation. You are very entitled to choose not to accept this but please recognise alochol addiction as similar to cigarettes - they all bring denial and pain. Plant the seed of a problem but realise that by the time you are really into alcohol you are a bit addicted and it's a difficult conversation. Please take that from someone who knows. Best of luck.

ShinyBeans · 30/01/2021 00:24

@Lalliella

He’s not an alcoholic. It would take more than that, and he wouldn’t be able to have the 3 day gaps. He does have a dependency though and he is greedy and selfish. Sadly only he can do something about it, and he has to want to change. You need to talk to him when he’s sober about this you feel.

That's not true at all and could stop people seeking help. Alcoholism doesn't just mean daily drinking. It comes in many forms.

OverTheRubicon · 30/01/2021 07:37

@Lalliella

He’s not an alcoholic. It would take more than that, and he wouldn’t be able to have the 3 day gaps. He does have a dependency though and he is greedy and selfish. Sadly only he can do something about it, and he has to want to change. You need to talk to him when he’s sober about this you feel.

That isn't true.

He's drinking very large amounts. It doesn't need to be daily either for a doctor to.diagnose alcoholism, though if he continues on this path it will be (it might be already, given that extra alcohol is secretly going missing as well as the 6 bottles you know about).

Do speak to a doctor, or at least try to get to an online Al-Anon meeting, to support the loved ones of those with an alcohol problem. MN has a funny thing about alcohol. Some people are quick to diagnose someone who likes to drink a bit much once every month or two as alcoholic, but far more have funny alcohol relationships themselves and assume that if you're not incapable or getting caught drunk driving then you can't be alcoholic...

www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcoholism

peak2021 · 30/01/2021 08:13

I think he has a drink problem. Hope you can find appropriate support.

Therealjudgejudy · 30/01/2021 08:20

@Lalliella, you need to educate yourself a bit before you post. You dont need to drink every day to be an alcoholic.

OP, does he acknowledge he has a problem?

Alexindiamondarmour · 30/01/2021 08:26

Agree OP this is really fucking rude. My DP does it too, drinks the one wine I like (he will drink any wine) and doesn’t say when there is none left until the Friday evening when I go to open the fridge and he’ll say oh there’s none of the wine you like left.

He does this with food as well as wine so it’s not just alcohol. It’s not having respect for the person you’re living with.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/01/2021 08:26

You help people in this situation. You know what you need to do, what's stopping you?

ukgift2016 · 30/01/2021 08:29

OP if you are a social worker who works with clients with substance misuse issues, you know what to do?

Is this really about him drinking your gin and being a greedy twat? Or is this about a man who is alchol dependant?

Oly4 · 30/01/2021 08:32

He’s got a drinking problem

Original poster

alittlebitofbreadandnocheese · 30/01/2021 08:36

His drinking is not at a level where it is affecting our DD but it is killing the respect I have for him. I know he needs help but he will not acknowledge that he has a problem and accuses me of trying to 'social work' him. I am so sad that it has got to this. I am supposed to be going to sign an agreement for a new kitchen this morning and I just don't want to. It feels like another tie to someone who is just not interested in his family and would rather spend his free time getting pissed

OP posts:

changingmine · 30/01/2021 08:42

Here's the thing. Your partner doesn't appear to have a problem as he seems contented with his drinking behaviour. Rather it is you who has the problem. The good news is that when you take ownership of it in this way you are then empowered to make change.

Do you continue to accept his behaviour or do you declare a boundary? How much are you willing to accept?

One thing is certain, if you both keep up this pattern, nothing will change.

You cannot change his behaviour but you can change yours. Decide where your boundary lies (I'm not suggesting this is easy) and then you can decide on what you will do if/when the boundary is crossed.

BogForLife · 30/01/2021 09:03

@Lalliella

He’s not an alcoholic. It would take more than that, and he wouldn’t be able to have the 3 day gaps. He does have a dependency though and he is greedy and selfish. Sadly only he can do something about it, and he has to want to change. You need to talk to him when he’s sober about this you feel.

If there is a 3 day gap.

I bet he drank the gin Sunday-Thursday.

Unanananana · 30/01/2021 09:05

You are obviously very aware of the issues surrounding his drinking which is a start. Him drinking your gin is just selfish but that is the nature of addiction. As an adult, you can make your own choices with regards to this. Personally, I'd be leaving.

Is that how you want your DD to remember him? Is that what she should see growing up? Because if he carries on like that, thats what will happen. He'll die young and in pain. My own father died at 57 partly due to drinking (exacerbated his heart condition). My DC only remember him drinking. He drank throughout my entire childhood and it has damaged me. I barely drink and cannot tolerate drunks, be they friends, partners, whoever.

Does your DH work or does family money pay for his booze?
Does he drive? If so, he is putting more than just himself at risk.