To be annoyed that he has drunk all the gin again?

[alittlebitofbreadandnocheese]

My DH is a drinker. He rarely goes out (when we could go out that is) and drinks at home. His weekly consumption spread over Thursday to Sunday is 6 bottles of wine. I think he drinks too much but after trying to discuss it with him many times have given up hope of him ever cutting down.
I on the other hand would rather drink on a night out and only occasionally have a G&T at home. I had some gin left after a Zoom quiz last week and had just discovered that he has finished it along with the wine he buys! AIBU to think this is out of order? I want a drink only occasionally and yet there is never any left because the greedy twat has drunk it all!

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

You help people in this situation. You know what you need to do, what's stopping you?

What should she be doing? She won’t be able to stop an alcoholic drinking.

As someone who grew up with a "functioning" alcoholic DF, please be under no illusions that it does/or certainly will affect your children.

He IS an alcoholic.
You're in a codependent relationship.
He'll only get worse.

I don't think its up to anyone here to decide if he is an alcoholic or not.

Maybe its just his choice to drink that amount.
Maybe he has lost slight control but I don't think sticking a label on him is helpful.
Anyway, we've all lost some sense of control over it at one point or another..... be it one glass more or a bottle more. That doesn't make us all alcoholics.

Stop judging. Whose to say he couldn't stop drinking tomorrow?

Small minded and far to quick to point the alcoholic finger on here.

@Gin4thewin4

I don't think its up to anyone here to decide if he is an alcoholic or not.

Maybe its just his choice to drink that amount.
Maybe he has lost slight control but I don't think sticking a label on him is helpful.
Anyway, we've all lost some sense of control over it at one point or another..... be it one glass more or a bottle more. That doesn't make us all alcoholics.

Stop judging. Whose to say he couldn't stop drinking tomorrow?

Small minded and far to quick to point the alcoholic finger on here.

Quite funny with your username... touch a nerve?

OP, you’re right, he has a problem with alcohol.

As another with a gin based user name...

He is an alcoholic and OP cannot help him if he is pushing her offers away.

All OP can do is decide for herself what she can and cannot live with. Her decision will have to be for herself and her DC alone as she cannot make decisions for her DH.

His reaction to whatever she decides will be come entirely from him. He has to decide to change for himself, nothing else will work.

That's why so many of us exhort partners if alcoholics to cut ties sooner rather than later. It gives everyone a better chance at living a better life.

Codependency, aka just living with it, helps no one!

So many misconceptions about what an alcoholic is here.

Alcoholics don't have to drink every day. My Dsis' partner is an alcoholic - he hasn't had a drink for 10 years. He's still an alcoholic and would tell you as much, because he can never drink again. He isn't able to take it or leave it the way most of us can.

My late husband was an alcoholic. He went through rehab and didn't drink - but all the addict mindsets and behaviours were still there. He was always an alcoholic, even when he wasn't drinking.

Lastly, just because OP's husband is OK with his drinking, that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. That's the daftest definition of 'not an alcoholic' I have seen in my life. In fact, one of the questions on the AUDIT (which is a tool used to assess alcohol dependency) scores on whether the drinker's family or friends have a problem with their drinking. It's a factor in deciding whether or not there is a problem.

I second contacting Al-Anon for some support, OP. This kind of drinking doesn't get better unless he wants to tackle it, and he doesn't. My husband died at 58, having had two stints in rehab and having lost everything - his job, his house, his family. Nothing stopped him drinking.

The one positive was that my DDs and I got out, and our lives are so much better without him. Be prepared for that to be you.

Sounds like my DP. I'll buy small bottles of wine for cooking - he'll drink them, promise to replace and 'forget'. I had a few bottles of spirits that are hard to come by in this country. He doesn't like them but I knew they weren't safe, so hid them in my office at work!

I have just been through his car. Two empty small wine bottles in the central console

@alittlebitofbreadandnocheese

I have just been through his car. Two empty small wine bottles in the central console

This isn't surprising. If you look, you will find more evidence of secret drinking.

Please get help. Please start making plans to leave. You can't help him, but you can help yourself and your DD.

At least you now have confirmation that you are dealing with something more than the irritation of him drinking your gin.

You will have more knowledge about this and what your / his options are than me OP.

Good luck.

I remember going to fetch the kids bikes. They were a little wedged down the side of the shed. With them stood watching, I pulled the second bike free and out with it came a mountain of beer cans, cider bottles, glass bottles.

I'd known DH had issues with alcohol, but it didn't seem to be causing any "problems" other than me worrying about his health. I knew then just how serious things were.

He refused to get help because as far as he was concerned, he had a wife problem, not a drink problem. Shortly after, I asked him to leave. That's when the shit really hit the fan.

Anyway, it's been 20 months since he moved out. 17 months that he's been sober now. I can tell you that when you look back you think "how on earth could I have thought that was ok??". I couldn't even see all of the ways that his drinking was impacting us, but believe me, it does. The children too.

It took the shock of me kicking him out (and a period of mad self destruct mode) for DH to seek help. I was enabling him by helping to maintain the lie that everything was ok. He had his job, a family, a roof over his head etc. Why change?

You would be mad to be signing a commitment for a new kitchen OP.

I cancelled the appointment with the kitchen people and we have had a conversation about my concerns. He denies that he has a problem which is what I expected. I asked him to prove it and not drink for two weeks and he agreed. However I have a colleague who works in substance misuse services so I will get some advice from on Monday. Thank you all for your comments, you have all given me things to think about!

He has an alcohol problem.
You can’t change this.
It will affect the whole family.
Your only choice is to decide what you will do about it. Personally I would leave.
Telling him not to drink for two weeks is pointless. He will either do it and claim he doesn’t have an issue then get right back on drinking and say you’re unreasonable to comment as he CAN stop. Or he will hide the fact that he’s still drinking and claim he doesn’t have an issue.

He will just drink behind your back.

He sounds just like my spetm donor father, hes dead now, nothing stopped his drinking until he stopped his kidneys, and waited a whole extra day to go to hospital because he wanted 1 more night to drink!

This is a really difficult situation OP, as someone who had 2 alcoholic grandparents, still has an alcoholic father and previously was in a relationship with a drug addict. I think two things to be realistic about are a) he's very likely to keep drinking over the next 2 weeks and hide it, you'd be amazed how good someone can be at hiding it if they want to be. Also, at the amount you've described him drinking over a week units-wise it might not actually be safe for him to just go cold turkey, especially as you have reason to believe he's consuming more than you openly know about. He doesn't sound ready to recognise a need for, or commit to, change. I'd consider reaching out for support for yourself from a charity or friends you trust and consider the impact staying as things are will have on you and DD. My dad had a very similar drinking pattern to your husband and it really affected me growing up and although I love him it still impacts on my relationship with him now as an adult.

Good luck with that.
He'll just drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink - just as soon as you turn your back on him.

What's two weeks to him anyway when he still has a lifetime of boozing ahead of him? Happy daze for him. Yay.

That's all he wants - booze.
You are very, very, very, very far down his list of priorities.
And besides, you are in a co-dependent relationship anyway.
He knows you'll never leave him.

Will you?

Tbh I am not sure if I will leave him. It all depends what happens now. I am not totally without understanding of addictions and realise that I can't do this for him. However I also believe that people have the capacity to change and I see it happen with the families I work with. I now have to try and support him IF he acknowledges there is a problem.

Giving him a chance is fine. I did that.

Just be mentally prepared for it not to work. You've challenged him, he's denied he has a problem, he now thinks that if he doesn't drink for 2 weeks, he's off the hook and can go back to his old ways.

If you understand addiction, you will know that isn't how it works. He might not even last the two weeks - how many opportunities for secret drinking has he got? You can't police them all.

And ultimately, you need to think about the impact on your DD of growing up with an alcoholic father. My two are still living with it almost 3 years after his death.

Good move on cancelling the kitchen appt and havong an honest conversation with your husband.

He denies a problem so you have your answer. His drinking is not a problem for him but it is for you.

Stay focused on improving your life rather than trying to fix his, that is where you can succeed. Trying to get him to "admit" or "face" his drinking is you trying to fix him, it won't happen. Millions have been where you are, and many get past it but never in the history of drinking problems has a partner been able to engineer a fix. Stay focused on what you can do.

My ex smashed the bedroom door and attacked our teenage son while drunk . The police advised I move my son out . The poor lad was 17 and ended up in a flat alone while I could get our stuff out and find us somewhere to live. When the police came if they had looked behind the sofa they would have found the pile of empty wine bottles. He was holding down a responsible job and respected by many . He loved the drink more than us .