Parents and finances

[Friendlyfires1]

I'm looking for some advice. Myself and my partner have a 10 month old and live together.
Since childcare is so expensive we can only afford for me to work part time.
We both pay an equal amount to household bills and childcare fees.
However I earn around a third of what he earns on a good month.
Is it right that we both pay the same amount?
If I was to return to work full time he would struggle to cover his half of the costs whereas I would be around £400 better off every month.

No, clearly this isn't right.

No definitely not, you shouldn't be paying 50/50 if you are only earning a third of what he is.

Of course it isn't right.

Either you should share left over money, or share the part time work, or your partner as the lower earner should go part time.

You should also look at the benefits of being married. At the moment you are losing out financially and career wise by being part time without the backup of marriage.

Of course this is not right. Does he really think it's fair? If so, you really shouldn't have another child with him.

No way. You pay a % based on what you earn. Or everything goes into a pot as joint money and you both take out the same amount for personal spending.

Nope it's not on.

You work out the scenario that's best for you all as a family, (whether that's full time work, part time work etc) then you rejig the budget to ensure you both get a fair share.

How do you feel OP?

Is it fair?

Firstly, are you using tax free childcare if you are entitled?
Secondly... Are you married? If not, don't sacrifice your career for his.
Thirdly... 'fair' would be paying proportional to income.

All money is family money and you should have equal disposable spends

Oh god, I’ve just seen you’re not married. You need to protect yourself financially immediately- either get married or go full time

You earn 66% less than he does but you pay 50% of the bills
Who came up with that plan?

Are you renting?

grim state of affairs, you have a child, you need to put all the money in a pot and pay the bills out of it, put some of what is left in savings and then split the remainder equally.

Get married
Pool your money

No, you are a family - you shouldn’t be struggling at the end of the month while he’s comfortable.

And let me guess - you do absolutely everything in the house and all the work related to the baby ?

Were not married, and every time it gets brought up he always says he has the same finances left as me when everything is paid up because he's clearing off old debt. I have no idea if this is true or not and don't feel comfortable asking for proof. I also feel why should me and his son be short changed whilst he's trying to sort out the financial mess he got himself into before he even met me? Is that a really harsh feeling to have? It feels quite harsh 🤦🏻‍♀️
I also just suggested I go back to work full time and he said 'well then you will have to make up the rest of it that I can't afford'.
So when the shoe is on the other foot it's left to the higher earner to make up the shortfall, but just not when he is the higher earner?!?

@nimbuscloud, the house is on a mortgage in my name, so should the worst happen and we split me and my son will still have a house over our head, providing he didn't have any rights to make a claim on the house which I have no idea whether he would be able to or not

You need a clear picture of his finances.

Start there.

[quote Friendlyfires1]@nimbuscloud, the house is on a mortgage in my name, so should the worst happen and we split me and my son will still have a house over our head, providing he didn't have any rights to make a claim on the house which I have no idea whether he would be able to or not [/quote]
Keep paying the full mortgage, OP.
Don’t let him pay anything towards the mortgage - just bills, child expenses, food.

Did you own the house before he moved in? What is he paying towards, it should be rent and spare if bills plus childcare.

He needs to be open about his debts as otherwise there is no trust.

@Friendlyfires1

Were not married, and every time it gets brought up he always says he has the same finances left as me when everything is paid up because he's clearing off old debt. I have no idea if this is true or not and don't feel comfortable asking for proof. I also feel why should me and his son be short changed whilst he's trying to sort out the financial mess he got himself into before he even met me? Is that a really harsh feeling to have? It feels quite harsh 🤦🏻‍♀️ I also just suggested I go back to work full time and he said 'well then you will have to make up the rest of it that I can't afford'. So when the shoe is on the other foot it's left to the higher earner to make up the shortfall, but just not when he is the higher earner?!?

It sounds like you have a very awkward and limited communication I think you need to address that first

which I have no idea whether he would be able to or not

You need to find out. Don’t be so passive about such an important issue. It also puts a different slant on the situation. There are regularly recent threads on here where women are advised that they are very vulnerable if their name is not on mortgage or tenancy. Is your partner protecting himself financially in case you split.
You have a child with this man and yet you don’t feel completely asking him about his financial situation. That’s nuts.
Sit down and talk to him.

He's been contributing towards the mortgage for just short of a year as my maternity pay was just not allowing me to cover it all myself, I was always under the impression that if we were married then he would have a claim but after reading your responses I feel I've been very naive about the whole thing and I don't know how I've got myself into this situation