Parents and finances

[Friendlyfires1]

I'm looking for some advice. Myself and my partner have a 10 month old and live together.
Since childcare is so expensive we can only afford for me to work part time.
We both pay an equal amount to household bills and childcare fees.
However I earn around a third of what he earns on a good month.
Is it right that we both pay the same amount?
If I was to return to work full time he would struggle to cover his half of the costs whereas I would be around £400 better off every month.

Maybe he doesn't want to pay towards something he does not own

No this isn’t right.

My house is the opposite. I foot most of the expense - which includes eye watering full time nursery places - as my partner earns quite a bit less. He contributes as much as he can, it’s maybe 70/30? It will go up to 60/40 when covid allows.

You definitely need to address the wider financial picture. Yes childcare is expensive but the longer term picture might mean it makes more sense for you to do that sooner than you think.

Ultimately if he refuses to approach finances FAIRLY then that tells you all you need to know.
This is really serious. You cannot have a successful relationship with someone who

1. will not openly discuss practical matters (even if they are sometimes a bit awkward and uncomfortable)
2. refuses to try to find a fair resolution to issues preferring for the other person to make all the compromise

he's clearing off old debt. I have no idea if this is true or not and don't feel comfortable asking for proof
why have a child with someone you don't trust and feel unable to have an open conversation with about finance?
Doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

Why are y oh with this man? He doesn’t sound very nice - and it doesn’t sound like he is very supportive of you.

If he has lower earnings why doesn’t he go part time and you go full time?

He sounds manipulative and controlling.

Would it work if you went full time and he went part time?

We have had conversations about finances in the past and he assured me he was on top of them. Obviously it has come to light that was not true. I was simply asking for advice and I'm getting some very snippy responses. Thank you to those who have given me some really helpful and supportive advice, but to the others, you should check you have your own lives totally in order before you start judging mine. No need for cattiness or using my post for your own self righteous comments.

I also just suggested I go back to work full time and he said 'well then you will have to make up the rest of it that I can't afford'

I wouldnt.be happy about this. He is basically saying if you earn less than him due to childcare responsibilitiesyou need to pay 50/50 but if he earns less than you he shouldnt have to pay 50/50.

It might be a good idea to think about the whole relationship and what you are getting out of it.

If his debt is true, then you're the one paying it off at the moment by subsidising his bills!

I think if he wants you to factor his debt into your arrangements, he needs to give you full transparency on his finances.

As for the rest of it, you and he need to agree some ground rules:

• Bills AND childcare is split 50:50. That means that he needs to cover 50% of the childcare (2.5 days excluding weekends) himself, or by paying the cost of nursery.

• Alternatively, he can pay more bills and you can take on more of the physical childcare (i.e. by going PT). This might be a more efficient way of doing it for both of you. But the additional days you cover childcare for, he needs to pick up bills for.

• Alternatively, you can both pay bills proportional to your incomes.

It doesn't really matter how you agree to do it, as long as you both start from an equal footing - both in payments and in childcare. It sounds as if he's on the verge of saying that childcare is your problem, not his. That path leads to a very unhappy relationship.