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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like I hate him for this

45 replies

georgarina · 29/01/2021 19:00

For context, I went through a lot of severe abuse from my stepfather (including SA) and mother when I was young, and then went to live with my dad after. He was fully aware of everything I went through.

When I was in my 20's I found out I was pregnant and was not married or in a relationship.

When I told my dad he said all kinds of horrible things to me, but one thing that stuck in my mind was, 'Now you're not even good enough for your stepfather.'

He said it in front of my grandparents and they didn't react. Later on they just said, 'Well he needed to scare you/he had a right to react that way.'

The way he and my whole family treated me put me under so much stress I almost lost the baby.

Now I'm pregnant again and the memory has resurfaced really strongly. I haven't told any of them because I don't want to go through it again. It always bothered me but I had pushed it to the back of my mind. I have brought what he said up to him, and the fact that it bothered me, but he ignored me.

What would you do? AIBU to feel like I hate him for what he said (even though it was years ago)?

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 29/01/2021 19:03

Your father is a cunt. I'm sorry, but it's true.

What he said was utterly unforgivable, and you deserved so much better. I am so sorry for everything you've been through, i hope you've found some peace and happiness since.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/01/2021 19:03

You are allowed to hate him. Parents aren't meant to say things like that. It isn't how caring people act.

Givemeabreak88 · 29/01/2021 19:07

I couldn’t forgive that

TheWernethWife · 29/01/2021 19:09

What a twat!!!

thelegohooverer · 29/01/2021 19:12

That’s just awful.
The attitudes towards pregnancy outside of marriage were bad enough but to reference sexual abuse in that way is breathtaking. It’s crosses every line of basic human decency.

I’m so sorry for what you suffered at the hands of your stepfather and mother. I’m so sorry that your father could think, never mind say something so deplorable and base. And I’m so sorry that even your grandparents couldn’t step up for you.

You deserved and deserve so much more.

You have every right to be angry.

Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 29/01/2021 19:12

Jesus I hope the 11% of utter pricks who voted YABU come forward and explain what is wrong with their mindset. YANBU and I hope you have made a lovely life for yourself and your child and congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

Polomints · 29/01/2021 19:20

What a vile thing to say. Don't feel you have to tell them anything, the choice is yours. Are you in contact with them generally?

Morana23 · 29/01/2021 19:33

That is a disgusting thing to say. Your father should have protected you and reinforced that none of what happened was your fault, and done everything he could to build you back up and help you live your best life. A loving parent would do that.
You are definitely not being unreasonable in feeling the way that you feel towards him. I'm very sorry Flowers I hope you've found happiness in your life.

OwlLovesTea · 29/01/2021 21:26

Wow, that was a horrible horrible thing to say. Words fail me. 💐😢

OwlLovesTea · 29/01/2021 21:29

I agree with a poster upthread. You have a right to be angry. What the f%$# was he thinking when he said that?

And your grandparents ssying that he needed to scare you. What. What purpose was scaring you going to serve?

Foofer · 29/01/2021 21:35

I’d hate him too. I don’t know what your situation is but it sounds like you’d be better off away from all of them. I’m really sorry you’ve been so failed by your family Flowers

Bootikin · 29/01/2021 22:15

Horrified to see this. You’ve been treated so horribly. Huge solidarity with you.

Would def urge you to reduce / avoid contact with people who have treated you so badly.

Hope this pregnanacy is a time of joy going forward, but given the dreadful experience you’ve had, would encourage some kind of counselling perhaps? You deserve so much better than terrible relatives like this.

NotMyPremium · 29/01/2021 22:18

What an utterly vile thing to say! I wouldn't have been able to get past this or forgive any of them. It sounds like your whole family have badly let you down.

Have you sought help? I'd need to as I bet there is a lot more given those are the attitudes they have.

Princessbanana · 29/01/2021 23:03

Honestly? You are older and wiser now, you know you can stand on your own two feet! Cut him off! I would not want him in my life or my kids lives! I am so sorry for what he said, if he was my son and he said this to my granddaughter, I would be in a jail cell, I would honestly have beaten him black and blue. You don’t need him in your life and you really will feel better when you cut him off.💕

Princessbanana · 29/01/2021 23:06

Also, I would look into counselling and talk to someone about it. I would probably cut him off first and then deal with it all in counselling. Could you imagine him saying this to one of your children if they had been through the same? That’s why you need to cut him off.💕

ItsAllComingBackToMeNow · 29/01/2021 23:07

No that is awful OP. No one deserves that. You poor thing. As I read that you were sexually abused by your step father, I felt relieved that you had a DF who could look after you. And then when he said that awful thing to you I felt sick. He should have looked after you no matter what. And the fact that your grandparents heard him say it... I’m so sorry.

You and your future baby are better off without the lot of them.

bitliketonyhares · 29/01/2021 23:18

I'm so sorry op this is disgusting. I hope you are ok, and wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy x

Ileflottante · 30/01/2021 00:11

It sounds like every single person in your family failed you. I’m so sorry.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 00:13

YANBU. These people might be related to you, but none of them are your family. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.
Flowers

Germolenequeen · 30/01/2021 00:17

So sorry - totally unforgivable thing to say

blubberyboo · 30/01/2021 00:24

I’m so sorry they treated you this way and you have every right to be angry.
It’s sounds like every adult in your life has no comprehension of SA and instead they victim blame. They aren’t saying it directly but they are implying you are somewhat to blame.
You absolutely don’t need that kind of judgement in your life , nor should you have to endure the feelings they have thrust upon you
I hope you find a way to purge them from your life and form healthy relationships

thosetalesofunexpected · 30/01/2021 00:48

@georgarina.

I am sorry that your family are Total Arseholes like this!Cake

You deserve so much better.xxxDaffodilBrew

AbsentmindedWoman · 30/01/2021 00:55

Jesus, that's revolting. Your dad is an arsehole of the highest order.

I am so, so sorry Flowers

yaboo · 30/01/2021 03:15

The expression 'a shower of shits' comes to mind. If you don't actually need them in your life, I'd be tempted to fuck them all off. Leave them and their backward attitudes in the past. Don't let them poison your future.

grapewine · 30/01/2021 03:23

That's vile and cruel, and he deserves only contempt. Your grandparents are shitty too. Absolutely awful.

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