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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what my DP just said?

40 replies

Friendless00 · 29/01/2021 17:56

We were just chatting (together for 6 years) and having a laugh whilst having a few drinks...
We got on to the subject of friends and he said “not that you’d know, you don’t have any”

This has always been a touchy subject for me. Due to many reasons over the years I have lost contact/stop contacting friends. I found that the constant upset from being let down, ignored, used by them was more hassle than it was worth. I guess to some extent I’ve shut myself off to people. I have plenty of acquaintances but not really any ‘real friends’.

I have a real problem trusting people and find it easier to just stick with my family that I can trust.

So AIBU to be a bit upset by what he says? Perhaps it was the way he said it, with the disapproving eye roll that hurt more?

OP posts:
tortiecat · 29/01/2021 17:57

YANBU, that's hugely unkind Confused

tortiecat · 29/01/2021 17:58

Have you indicated that you found that hurtful; and if so how did he react?

Standrewsschool · 29/01/2021 17:59

He’s hit a raw nerve there. Do you think he was criticising you, or just stating a fact?

SushiSoozie · 29/01/2021 18:01

Well, its not the nicest thing, but if you were talking about friends and you don't have any, it might have been a valid point.
Is it the comment that upset you, or are you really upset because you have no friends?

blisstwins · 29/01/2021 18:02

I would be upset, but to be honest, ability to make friends and sustain friendships is something I judge people in. It may bother him.

Bleepers · 29/01/2021 18:02

Not nice but he probably said it without thinking and didn't mean to hurt your feelings, although I understand why you are.

M0rT · 29/01/2021 18:03

Your reasons for letting friendships go are possibly all because you had/have poor boundaries.
I'm not saying this to be critical but I was very unassertive when young and in my late twenties lost some friends who didn't like the adult version of me who was not prepared to dance to their tune anymore.
I was fortunate that other friends who hadn't taken the piss were glad I'd finally grown a backbone.
But it has made making new friends difficult.
I'm just wondering if this low boundaries/lack of assertiveness had made your DP think it's acceptable to say hurtful things to you?
You don't have to answer here, but have a think about how respectfully he treats you in general.

mysonsnose · 29/01/2021 18:04

@blisstwins

I would be upset, but to be honest, ability to make friends and sustain friendships is something I judge people in. It may bother him.
Some of us just weren't taught that skill as a child. Thanks for the judgement
Original poster
Friendless00 · 29/01/2021 18:05

I’m not upset about having no close friends, no. It’s a decision I made to protect myself I think. I guess that as he has lots of friends he finds it hard to understand my reasons why.
I think it just caught me off guard and stung a bit because I presumed he’d always known why I don’t have close friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendless00 · 29/01/2021 18:06

@M0rT that makes a lot of sense, thankyou.

OP posts:
SushiSoozie · 29/01/2021 18:07

Some of us just weren't taught that skill as a child. Thanks for the judgement

Few people were. Like most things, you can learn as you go through life, should you wish to make the effort

pollylocketpickedapocket · 29/01/2021 18:10

@blisstwins

I would be upset, but to be honest, ability to make friends and sustain friendships is something I judge people in. It may bother him.
I’ve got no friends, can’t really be arsed to make any, would rather spend my time with family. I’ve just got back in touch with my best friend from school, we had a silly row and stopped speaking 10 years ago. We can still chat for hours, nothing wrong with my ability to be friends and make friends, you’re wrong to judge people from the little you see.
AlternativePerspective · 29/01/2021 18:10

Tbh, being happy to have no close friends is one which people find difficult to reconcile, especially when you say by your own admission that you regularly drop friends.

Many people do find it hard to make friends, and many people are happy to have a couple of close friends and don’t feel the need to be part of a clique, but if you’re regularly dropping friends because they don’t fit with what you want, then you come across as being someone who cares about no-one, and who almost judges people who do have friends.

As that upset you this maybe isn’t the case and you need to have a look at whether you have potentialy been too quick to discard friends in the past and have therefore alienated others including your DP because you put out the message that you don’t need friends. And presumably that means him as well.

Does your not wanting friends affect you as a couple? Do you ever go out with anyone apart from each other? Or do you expect him to mix with his friends on his own because you’re not interested?

Original poster
Friendless00 · 29/01/2021 18:15

@AlternativePerspective I’ve always mixed with his friends, I get along well with most of them and they seem to like me. I feel I get along better with men than women. I’ll happily go out with him and his friends and have a great time, I guess I feel there’s no pressure there, as they’re HIS friends.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 29/01/2021 18:52

@SushiSoozie - it's not always lack of effort - it can be due to personality disorder or ASD for example.

AIMD · 29/01/2021 19:03

That does sound hurtful. Did he mean it to be hurtful or was it thoughtless.

My husband said something similar to me recently .

Luxplus · 29/01/2021 19:09

Perhaps he like you to have your own friends to go out with so you don't have to tag along with his when going out.

VetiverAndLavender · 29/01/2021 19:10

@blisstwins

I would be upset, but to be honest, ability to make friends and sustain friendships is something I judge people in. It may bother him.
Hmm If it bothers him, he needs to get over it, or at most, speak to OP about it in a kind and open-minded, nonjudgmental way. He should be coming from a place of care, not throwing out insulting, passive aggressive digs.

I have the ability to make friends and sustain friendships, but as an adult, I've chosen to cultivate the relationships that matter to me, and casual friendships simply don't, right now. I have a husband and family. I don't need anything more.

However, if someone genuinely lacks the "ability to make friends", it's not very nice of you to judge them for it. It's not always a person's fault that they have no friends. Why would you care whether or not someone else has friends, anyway?

TheWernethWife · 29/01/2021 19:13

I don't have a lot of friends just a select few. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just not a social butterfly.

Laiste · 29/01/2021 19:14

I'm fantastic at making friends but utterly crap at being bothered to keep them. I go through whole chunks of my life with no mates and then everything changes and i have a close one or two again for years.

I have a large family and a busy life and i am guilty of letting people slide away IF whatever got us together in the first place stops. ie: school mum friends - some have been close and wonderful but once the kids leave the school ... d.r.i.f.t Work mates - same.

Own it OP. If you're genuinely happy without female mates of your own then accept it. Throw away comments about it wont upset you if you're happy in your own skin with how you are.

The only time it stung a bit was when my second wedding coincided with a no mates phase Grin Good thing was that DH also is shite at friendships so we were both billy no mates!

WunWun · 29/01/2021 19:15

I think that's an unforgivably horrible thing to say :(

Original poster
Friendless00 · 29/01/2021 19:34

@WunWun I’m beginning to think that too

OP posts:
VeganCow · 29/01/2021 19:38

He wasn't being kind. But as an aside, friends are vastly over rated. Will take family every time.

pheonixrebirth · 29/01/2021 19:45

I had the same said to me but in an argument, as in "no wonder you've got no mates"! And yep it stung like a bitch.
A lot of the same reasons as you OP. Drifted away from school friends when I moved area, had kids young so not much socialising, had a group of school mum friends/clique but fell out with one, so that was me out. A couple of them tried to back in touch but the hurt of being ignored was too much for me to get past. My best friend in adulthood was a member of my XH family, she was there for me throughout everything, encouraged me to leave him, reaffirmed how shitty he treated me and when I did leave him started to distance herself from me. 🤷‍♀️
I tried to reach out and we had a few meet ups for drinks which I initiated, I also invited her to some family parties to which she would show her face for half an hour then leave. I stopped trying because I felt like I was forcing her, and clearly she's not bothered to reach out either. It's sad!
These days I keep to myself and I'm ok, I've got a good family and I count them as my friends too so I'm lucky in that way.

2020iscancelled · 29/01/2021 19:47

I think it’s a very tactless and thoughtless thing to say to someone in general as a throw away comment because it is ultimately implying that “no one likes you” - because if they did, you’d have friends.

So just generally it’s thoughtless definitely.

But if he knows that you have some struggles around the subject and he knows that it’s a deeper issue for you then this goes further than thoughtless, it becomes down right nasty and spiteful.

He certainly owes you an apology and to do some serious reflection as to why he thought it either appropriate or funny to make a dig at a sensitive and personal part of your life.

However if he doesn’t know that it affects you, or you haven’t told him to the extent of how you feel about it... then it could be just a bad attempt at a joke.

But either way YANBU to feel upset.